And Now Yet Again Still Even More Fragments
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: And here we are again for even more fragments from my ADHD riddled mind.
1. False Starts

**Disclaimer: I own no commercial entertainment property, seriously, zip, zilch, nada! This is also not a commercial property. Please don't sue.**

 **False Starts**

"I had this whole section on-" the Mayor began, but stopped with a confused expression on his face.

"What did you do?!" Buffy demanded, as she and the rest of the Slayerettes spun around wildly, seeing that the crowd of students around them were as still as statues.

"It wasn't me," Richard Wilkins the Third, Second, and First complained, "I need a full eclipse to transform. Having things frozen like this isn't helping me at all."

A circle of black flame flared in front of the stage while a pillar of heavenly light descended from the skies.

"This is either really good or really bad," Buffy decided.

The light faded away as the flames died down revealing a man and a woman in matching blue suits who bore a noticeable resemblance to each other.

"Probably bad," the Mayor decided.

"Yes and no," a familiar balance demon said as he separated from the crowd.

"Whistler," Angel said.

"Hey Rat Breath," he replied with a wave, "no time to gossip, the bosses got me hoppin'."

"Do you know what's going on?" Buffy asked Angel.

"Not a clue," he replied taking off the cloak he'd been using when he found the sunlight didn't burn him.

"Everyone listen up," Whistler began loudly, waving his arm to get everyone's attention. "We have a flag on the play, there is a technical foul."

"What did you do?" Buffy demanded, glaring at the Mayor.

"I've been planning this for well over a century, Miss Summers," the Mayor replied, "I assure you that I have dotted all my Is and crossed all my Ts."

"Xander Harris will you please step forward," Whistler requested.

"Me?!" Xander asked in bewilderment, as he slid through the crowd. "What did I do?"

"You came up with a workable plan to kill an Old One," Whistler explained.

"Him?!" the Mayor demanded. "But he's a nobody!"

"Just because you weren't smart enough to read-" Xander began and then forced himself to stop.

"Read what?" Giles asked as everyone waited for an answer Xander obviously wasn't going to give.

"Never explain to your enemy any mistakes he's making, just take advantage of them," Whistler quoted with a grin as Xander refused to speak. Whistler winced. "No need to yell," he told the two blue suited beings, who seemed to be silently watching the proceedings.

"What rule did I break?" Xander asked.

"Technology isn't allowed in the big face-offs," Whistler explained. "At least, not yet. Basically we're looking at a three yard penalty and a time out."

"Which would mean what, exactly?" Giles asked.

"It means we rewind things to the Slayer's arrival and Mr. Harris is removed from play," Whistler explained.

"You can't just kill Xander!" Buffy yelled, gesturing angrily with her sword.

"Who said anything about killing?" Whistler defended himself. "We're simply allowing him to trade in all the good karma he made in this life for an easy one elsewhere."

"But what about Willow and Buffy?" Xander demanded.

Whistler glanced at his bosses. "Mundane lives, Summers becomes a prom queen, Red heads up Microsoft's R&D."

"What?" the two girls chorused.

"They get completely benched, no demon can touch them," Whistler promised.

"Whoa!" Buffy said. "Let's not get crazy now."

"You can't just make those decisions for other people," Willow lecture Xander.

"He's not," Whistler said, "it's part of the rewind. The two of you have enough good karma that Summers dying shortly after she moves here and you getting vamped… is inappropriate."

 **AN: A solid start, but I didn't have a story to go with it and I have quite a few stories with similar starts already**

 **Halloween Leftovers**

"Death is my gift," Buffy explained to Dawn before turning to walk out and leap into the portal, acutely aware that Xander wasn't far behind her.

 ***Clang***

Xander had reached the top of the scaffolding just in time to see Dawn nail Buffy in the head with a pipe.

Buffy dropped like a stone.

"Dawn, are you possessed?" Xander asked cautiously.

Extradimensional energy lanced out of the portal, crawling across the metal framework like it had just been struck by lightning and was drawn to the two people still standing.

Xander and Dawn shuddered as it shot through their past and grounded itself in a Halloween that Dawn hadn't existed for, making changes to their present through a crack Janus had opened that night.

"No, I'm not fuckin' possesed!" Dawn yelled. "The ditzy bitch was going to sacrifice her life on the off chance that it would close the portal, when we all know it's gotta be me!"

Xander looked out at the portal. "Hope you don't mind company, Girl. Cause you know there's no way I'm letting you go alone."

"You know it's probably going to kill us," she said seriously.

"Only one way to find out."

"Come on, Ass," she said with a sigh and a sad smile.

He looked at her and then glanced at the pipe she was holding.

"Fine," she said as she realized he knew what she was planning. "I won't knock you out and go alone."

Xander just waited until she finally sighed and dropped the pipe.

"You are a pain in my ass," she said with a sigh.

 **AN: This scene popped up when I thought about how Buffy's big sacrifice would have changed if Xander and Dawn had dressed as Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl for Halloween and then I figured they'd never have gotten into that mess in the first place, so I scrapped it.**

 **Quitting Your Day Job**

 **TN: Ok, I read the title and then the first two paragraphs and got this big expectant grin on my face.**

Loki grinned and readied his mystic might to complete the spell while the Wrecking Crew fought to keep the Avengers and Spider-Man from interfering,

It was a chaotic battle and Spider-Man was just a hair too slow to dodge the Absorbing Man's ball and chain, sending him flying right into the sacred circle Loki had prepared just as he'd finished his spell.

"Arise! Awake! Be reborn!" Loki chanted, eldritch flames obscuring the view of the figures within for a moment before dying down, revealing a dark clad individual standing within.

"I, Vlad Dracul am reborn!" he exclaimed, arms outstretched and fangs growing as he laughed maniacally.

"No!" Captain America shouted. "We're too late!"

 ***Splorch!***

Spider-Man's fist exploded out of the front of the vampire's chest, covered in gore and holding a blackened, shriveled lump that beat wetly for a second before he clenched his fist, wiping it from existence and turning the reborn vampire king into ash once more.

"No!" it was Loki's turn to yell. "You'll pay for that you fool!"

Webbing splashed off the mystic shield surrounding Loki.

"As if mortal weapons could harm me," the trickster god snorted. "You'll pay for your actions this day, you and everyone you've ever loved!"

Spider-Man leapt, stealing Crusher's mystically enhanced crowbar from his hand and smashing him in the knee with it in passing.

Crusher howled and fell clutching his knee.

Loki suddenly found himself having to reinforce his shield as Spider-Man started wailing on it with his stolen weapon.

 **AN: Didn't have a story to go with this, I just thought that if Spider-Man was willing to sacrifice his relationship with MJ for Aunt May, then threatening her would be a really bad idea.**

 **TN: No, really? What's that quote I saw once while surfing the net…..? Oh yeah (With some paraphrasing), "Family threats to heroes, like red flag to bull." - Old Criminal Saying.**

 **Phoning It In- Shades of HP (Discarded)**

Merlin felt a pull, like someone was attempting to contact him via a trump, and as he was currently wearing the shape of a leopard while waiting for a pack of wolves to get bored and leave, he had plenty of time to talk, so he allowed the contact.

He realized his mistake when his surroundings dissolved into smoke before reforming into the familiar looking front room of Grimmauld Place where he found himself in the center of a pentagram and completely surrounded by the members of the Order of the Phoenix.

"H-Harry?" a red-haired woman asked anxiously, the rest of the group didn't do a thing, waiting for a response.

Realizing what had happened, he decided to play along. He shape shifted into Harry Potter, taking details of his appearance from those around him.

"What is so important that you would pull me from my world?" he asked, slipping a hand into his pocket and reaching through shadow for a pair of glasses that fit their perceptions of what he should be wearing.

"Harry!" the woman exclaimed before pouncing on him.

He absently patted the woman who was now crying on his shoulder while he looked around for answers.

"You've been summoned to fulfill a prophecy," Albus Dumbledore explained. "The spell was designed specifically to summon a Harry who had no parents and would be happier here."

Merlin looked down at the runic scrip painted on the floor, slowly turning with the women clinging to him, until he read the appropriate section. 'I suppose this is better than being up in a tree surrounded by wolves, at least in the short term which is all this ritual could read,' he thought to himself.

"Harry?" an older copy of himself asked hopefully.

"My friends call me Merlin, but not the Merlin you are thinking of, the Merlin who is Corwin's son," Merlin explained, not wanting to go by a different name but not wanting to deal with people accusing him of having a massive ego either.

"That was rather…" Remus trailed off confused, but it was like a dam had broken as everyone started trying to talk at once.

Merlin now had two people clinging to him and crying while dozens of people tried to speak to him at once.

 ***Bang***

Dumbledore lowered his wand. "I appreciate that we're all excited, but I believe young Harry is owed some explanations. So if everyone will take their seats."

"I'm assuming these are the Potters?" Merlin asked.

"You're a Potter too, son," the older version of himself said firmly, tears in his eyes as he and his wife slowly released him.

Seeing that Merlin wasn't quite in agreement with that statement, Dumbledore spoke up to defuse any arguments before they began, "So, an animagus at sixteen? That's impressive."

"And a great cat no less," James Potter said proudly.

"Did your Hogwarts have an animagus program?" Lily asked, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief.

"No idea, I never went to Hogwarts," Merlin said, using his courtly training to lie without lying, just in case someone had a means of catching falsehoods. "It's hardly a secret that the Dursleys-" Merlin had to wait for Lily's sobs to grow quiet as James comforted her before continuing, "Between those peoples' hatred of magic and everything and one connected to it…" He sighed and shook his head, leaving everyone to answer their own questions on the subject.

"I set out traveling at the very first chance I got," Merlin said honestly. "I met people who were much more welcoming than the… those people. While I planned on entering the Wizarding World eventually, in the meantime I learned magics that did not require a wand. I received a lot of my knowledge from this one family and if you asked them who I was most like in their family, they would tell you it was Merlin. Never got to meet Merlin, but I found the name infinitely preferable to being called Freak or Boy."

"Were you happy?" Lily asked.

"As a preteen, traveling the world has its dangers," Merlin admitted, "but I have really enjoyed it and had a lot of fun. I have zero regrets. When you summoned me, I was having a relaxing lunch."

"I thought the spell required him to be happier here?" Remus asked Dumbledore.

"Just because I was content that doesn't mean I can't be happier here," Merlin replied. He'd been planning on learning HP magic and going to Hogwarts anyway and this way, there were a large number of people who had a vested interest in helping him learn.

Taking care of Voldemort and his Death Eaters was a small price to pay for quality training. It might be a different matter if Voldemort was competent, but what were the odds of that?

"Just because one isn't miserable does not meant they are happy," Dumbledore added.

"That does make sense, thank you," Remus said apologetically. "The morality of this… still concerns me."

"What are the particulars of my summoning?" Merlin asked, even though he could feel the details of the new geas laid on him.

"Please understand," Dumbledore said, trying to break it to him gently, "we would not have summoned you without great need."

Merlin waved him off. "That's already understood, no one does a blind summoning on a whim. No, what I need to know is the exact wording of the binding."

Dumbledore nodded, relieved that Harry both understood and accepted what had happened. "A threefold spell, the missing child who is missing his parents in return, happiness lost through events shall through this event return, a prophecy undone shall be fulfilled by his return."

Merlin laid his will upon reality, shattering all bindings upon himself. It took a moment for him to realize he'd broken the geas the ROB had laid upon him as well.

"How?!" Dumbledore exclaimed as everyone stared at Merlin in shock, having felt the bindings come apart.

Merlin beamed feeling truly free for the first time in this life. "I can't believe I forgot that I could only be bound until I decided not to be," he said, a basic fact that all of the Court of Chaos knew. "Ok, now of my own free will I will rid this world of Voldemort, moral quandary solved."

"You can't just break a threefold binding like that!" Bill Weasley exclaimed.

"No, you can't," Merlin corrected, "clearly I can."

"The power he knows not," Dumbledore said in wonder.

"I can see why they'd call you Merlin," Tonks said.

"I don't think you've met him," Merlin said. "Merlin loves sugary cereals for breakfast, playing with computers and was a bit of a baby when sick. We were practically twins."

"You were named for a different Merlin," James said, thinking briefly of what his 'son' had said earlier.

"Not being able to be bound is also something we have in common," Merlin said. "Anyway, remember that I go by Merlin and not the one you guys swear by."

"I don't care what I have to call you, I'm just glad I have my son back," Lily said, wiping her eyes.

"What did happen to me here?" Merlin asked, wondering how Harry had bit it, among other things.

"The Dursleys," James said softly.

Merlin looked at Harry's parents. "If you two weren't killed and Sirius framed for it, why was I at the Dursleys?"

"My fault, I'm afraid," Dumbledore said with a heavy sigh. "I had thought that you'd be safe at the Dursleys' while Rose was being trained to fulfill the prophecy."

Merlin recognized the plot elements from a number of fanfictions he'd read and hoped it wasn't as bad as he feared. "But that was a decoy action as you knew who the prophecy was about and wanted to make sure the 'Chosen One' was sufficiently humble and modest."

Dumbledore winced, but didn't deny it.

"You knew?!" James demanded.

Merlin ignored the Potter's looks of betrayal and the mutterings of the crowd. "Just to be sure, the Potters didn't get swelled heads and become the Light Side version of the Malfoy's right? And by that I mean stuck up ponces."

"A touch openly proud of their daughter but nowhere near that level," Dumbledore assured him.

"Thank the gods," Merlin said. "Dealing with neo-Malfoys would have been a deal breaker."

"You said Harry would grow up in a normal home while we ensured Rose would survive the prophecy," Lily said softly, glaring at Dumbledore.

"And he believed that," Merlin assured her, much to everyone's surprise. "He honestly believed that the Dursleys would treat their own flesh and blood decently if a bit stricter than most. He also thought Rose would be a prime target and since she wasn't protected by the prophecy she would need extensive training to survive."

"How are you piercing through my Occlumency barriers?" Dumbledore asked in shock.

"A power you know not," Merlin replied softly, before grinning. "Actually, this was all really, really obvious." And for one with training from the Court of Chaos, that was true. "While I never joined the British Wizarding World or attended Hogwarts, I did read the papers occasionally and listen to the gossip."

"I don't know how to feel about this," Lily told James.

"He did what he thought was best, but really should have told you the reasons behind everything," Merlin replied with a shrug. "If the Dursleys were't more vile than he believed possible things would have worked out."

 **AN: Way too much exposition and there was a lot of details that should be revealed in-story, not simply dumped on the reader. I'll have to redo the whole thing.**

 **TN:Just a touch.**

 **AN2: And this batch of random half formed ideas is what I chose to start the new Fragments file with!**

 **AN3: OK, I just wanted to get it done quickly so I could post things faster.**

 **AN4: Lord Circe came up with the latest Fragments title!**

 **Typing By: Lost Worlds**


	2. Hum a few bars 4

**Hum a few bars 4**

 **Previous chapters AYASEMF 68, 70, 71**

"I love that movie," Amy said as the ending credits ran.

"So do I," Xander agreed, "it's the ultimate wish fulfillment movie. No people, but everything still runs. You have everything you ever need, but don't have to deal with the bills, bosses, or waiting in line."

"What movie should we watch next?" Amy asked.

"How about a horror movie?" Gwen suggested.

"Cheesy horror movie?" Xander asked Amy, recalling some of the titles he'd run across.

"It's a good excuse to jump in your dates lap and get some groping in," Harmony pointed out.

Xander looked from Harmony to Gwen. "Which one of you jumps in the other's lap?"

"She jumps in mine," Harmony said firmly, refusing to be the submissive one.

Gwen's eyes widened and she blushed, unable to think of anything to say.

"Why did you try to clear out a nest without anyone's help?" Willow demanded, the Scoobies having moved up rows while the movie was playing.

"You'd be jumping in my lap," Cordelia told Buffy.

"As if," Buffy replied. "I'm the slayer."

"I've got like a foot on you," Cordelia said.

"Four inches at most," Buffy grumbled back.

"I had Amy to help me," Xander told Willow, ignoring his ex arguing with Buffy, as neither was willing to give ground. "Besides you guys wouldn't have helped me, you'd have tried to stop me, so your 'help' would have been worse than useless."

Amy pulled Xander to his feet. "Enough arguing, let's go pick the next movie."

"They have a number of Tromaton movies as well as the popular slasher series," Xander said as Buffy and Cordelia wrested for a moment before Buffy pulled the larger girl onto her lap with a "Hah!"

Cordelia just glared at Buffy until she realized what she'd done.

"Sorry," Buffy apologized and let Cordelia get up. "But you know it's true."

"I know no such thing," Cordelia said, "and anyway we're not here for that!"

"Why are you here?" Gwen asked.

"Why are you here?" Cordelia fired back.

"We're on a date!" Harmony snapped out the first excuse she could think of.

"What?!"

"Friends can go on dates," Gwen said firmly. "We overheard what the two had planned and decided to invite ourselves."

"They are rude enough," Willow muttered.

"And why are you guys here?" Harmony asked with a smile.

"We… are also on dates," Willow replied, pulling Oz's hand.

"That's right," Buffy agreed grabbing Cordelia's.

"As 'friends', just like you two," Cordelia added.

Gwen slipped an arm around Harmony's waist and put her arm around her shoulder. "Really?"

"Really," Buffy said as she and Cordelia awkwardly wrestled to try and get the superior position on one another, and Buffy lost as Cordelia's height made it easier to get her arm around her shoulder.

Oz pulled Willow with him as he slowly backed down the row, careful not to make any sudden moves. Willow was so stunned at the two 'couples', who she hadn't even suspected were 'that way' that she quietly followed. "Never get involved in lover's quarrels," he whispered in her ear as he lead her to the back of the theater and pulled her into his lap.

'Lover's quarrels?!' Willow thought to herself wondering what all she'd been missing.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Are they making out down there?' Amy thought as she looked over the theater while Xander changed reels.

"Evil dead 2," Xander said with a grin.

"Oh," Amy said. "Next time I'm bringing soda!"

"I'll get the soda," Xander said. "How do you do that popcorn thing anyway?"

"If you've got something with a strong enough connection you can create a phantom of it," Amy explained, happy to talk shop.

"So… it's not real?"

"Eating popcorn isn't about being hungry, and it's practically an illusion itself, mostly air and salt," Amy replied.

"And you don't get butter everywhere," Xander realized.

"Or have to clean up," Amy agreed.

"Can you teach me how to do that?" he asked with a grin.

"Sure," Amy said. "It'll take a bit of effort, but I've got time, and then you can help with the spellcasting."

"Baby steps," Xander said. "Let's see if I take to it better than math."

Amy giggled, thinking he was making a joke, since they were both in AP classes.

"And we're live," Xander said as he flipped a switch and the opening credits started.

The two returned to their seats exchanging surprised glances at the four females cuddling in the row behind them.

 **Ten minutes later**

A teen in dirty and torn clothes jumped out of the screen. "I'm free!" he yelled with a mad cackle before running out of the theater.

"Was that David Klienman?" Harmony asked in disbelief.

"Didn't he vanish last Halloween?" Gwen added.

"Who did he dress as for Halloween?" Xander asked.

"Billy from The Last Action Hero," Amy replied. "I remember because he accused several people of being better actors in their last movies, it was pretty funny."

"Oh!" the Scoobs chorused in understanding.

"That's all you're going to say?" Harmony asked annoyed.

"If you are really that curious ask after the movie is over," Xander said. "Now, shush!"

 **A little later**

"Eeep!" Amy squeezed under Xander's arm. Xander leaned down and whispered. "I have a hard time believing you are scared of this movie."

She nuzzled his neck. "You're so brave," she said in a scared little voice before whispering, "I know, I'm just messing with them, play along."

Xander pulled her onto his lap. "Don't worry, I've got you."

Buffy made a squeaking noise. "Hands!" she hissed.

Amy pretended to nibble on his ear as she whispered, "She probably just did that to see if you'd look."

The two pretended to be a sickeningly sweet couple, and had a hard time not laughing at some of the over the top corny lines each said as the movie progressed, while ignoring the sounds of the two couples in the row behind them.

"Hail to the king, Baby!" Xander said along with Bruce on screen, and kissed Amy as the movie ended, both trying not to laugh.

"Wanna watch another movie?" Amy asked.

"I was promised some answers," Harmony reminded them, as she and Gwen straightened their clothes.

"Yeah, you were," Xander agreed. "Well, I need to shut down the projector, so Buffy can explain it to you."

"I'll help," Amy said, "projectors are tricky things."

Xander grinned and the two returned to the projection room.

"Want to check the arcade?" Amy asked.

"Let's check the office behind the concession counter first," Xander said, "they may have the keys to the machines."

"Good idea," Amy said, "saves on quarters."

Xander picked up his backpack, which he'd left next to the projector. He handed her the large wooden cross from his bag and took out a couple of stakes for himself. "Just in case."

"You really planned this out," Amy complimented him as they returned to the lobby.

"Murphy has it in for me, so I try and work out what he's planning in advance," Xander replied.

"Paranoia, a Sunnydale survival trait," she said shaking her head.

"This town is out to get us," Xander reminded her as they entered the lobby, "it's just really impersonal about it."

"Impersonal?" she asked.

"All the traps are labeled 'to whom it may concern'," he explained, making her giggle.

The pair stopped at one of the doors behind the counter and Xander slowly turned the knob before throwing the door open… revealing a large room with shelves on one side and a white board on the other over a counter that held a microwave and a sink.

Xander flipped on the light and ducked his head so he could look under the table in the center of the room before they entered it.

"Looks like they converted the storage room into a breakroom, at least in part," Amy noted. "Hey, cups!"

"Yes, but do they have an ice machine?" Xander asked as he poked around the boxes and cupboards.

"Behind the door," Amy replied. She lifted the hatch on the front. "And it's full."

"And keys," Xander said cheerfully, finding a pegboard with job titles and keys above the microwave.

"To the arcade," Amy said cheerfully.

"Let's check the other door real quick," Xander said, "just to make sure it's empty."

"Alright," Amy agreed, flipping off the light behind them.

This time when Xander threw open the door they didn't have to look under anything.

"Bathroom, single person," Amy noted.

"So the staff didn't mingle with the quests," Xander guessed. "I think a lot of businesses do that."

"Why did they clean the men's room if they had a bathroom like this?" Amy asked.

"Vamps are morons, don't expect them to do anything logically," Xander warned.

"I tend to avoid them, so I'll take your word for it," Amy said.

The pair had just started up the stairs to the second floor when they heard a scream.

"Crap," Xander said and dashed up the stairs faster than Amy could follow. Busting into the arcade he saw Buffy facing off against a trio of vamps, Oz and Cordelia tag teaming one, and Willow holding off another with a cross to protect Harmony and Gwen who were hiding behind her.

Xander pulled out a squirt gun and sent several streams of holy water towards the vamps facing Buffy, before tossing it towards Oz. Pulling out a stake he rushed the one facing Willow.

Even half blinded by the cross thrust in its direction the vampire was aware enough to spin around and face Xander, who tackled it, sending them both rolling across the floor, with the vampire coming out on top.

Oz caught the squirt gun with the side of his head, causing him to stumble back. Quick as a flash, the vamp was on Oz who was barely managing to hold him off.

Buffy didn't have the attention to spare to quip as she faced off the three vamps who were much too close for comfort, depriving her of most of her arsenal of kicks and throws.

"Flamare!" Amy gasped out as she reached the top of the stairs, causing the nose of one of the vampires Buffy was facing to catch fire.

Xander could feel the vampire's fangs graze his neck as he struggled against it, when Harmony snatched the cross out of Willow's hand and shoved it down the back of the vamp's pants. Xander took advantage of the distraction to grab a communion wafer out of his jacket pocket and slam it into its mouth while reciting the one Latin prayer he knew. There was a flash of blue light and the vamp fell limp as a corpse.

Cordelia had somehow gotten the vamp she and Oz were facing in a full nelson, while Oz stabbed it repeatedly in the chest with a leg broken off the pool table. "More to the left!" Cordelia ordered.

Buffy had used the brief distraction of one of the vamps catching fire to stake one and was working on another while the third was punching itself in the face frantically.

Xander kicked the cold limp body off himself and scrambled for his stake, not sure how long whatever he'd done would keep the vamp down. Finding his stake he quickly put it to good use… which did absolutely nothing to the demonic corpse.

"Wow, vicious," Gwen muttered impressed.

"Any time now!" Cordelia yelled as the vamp struggled and Oz poked yet another hole in its chest.

Xander rushed over to help, handing Oz a proper stake, which he promptly slammed into its heart, dusting it.

"About time!" Cordelia growled out, as Buffy staked her second vamp.

"Why isn't it burning?" Buffy asked as she and Amy watched the vamp repeatedly punch itself in the face to try and extinguish the fire on its nose.

"Illusions are easy," Amy said, having caught her breath, "but elemental conjuration takes me a couple of seconds. Flamare!"

The vamp flared up in a pillar of flame and collapsed into dust.

"This isn't wood," Oz noted as he examined the pool table leg he's been stabbing the vamp with.

"Realistic wood grain pattern though," Xander offered as he retrieved his squirtgun.

"You forgot to yell catch," Oz told him, sounding a little annoyed.

"A vamp was attacking Willow," Xander replied.

Oz nodded and held out his arms for a hug, which Xander responded to without thinking about it. "Thank, Man," Oz said sincerely.

"No problem," Xander replied.

"What did you to this vamp?" Buffy asked confused as she examined the vamp Xander had consecrated.

"I have no idea," Xander replied. "We should probably call Giles."

"Vampires?" Harmony asked. "The big reveal has to do with vampires, right?"

"That's part of it," Buffy agreed.

"All the supernatural stuff exists," Xander said. "Last Halloween everyone turned into their costumes thanks to a chaos worshipper, so our David who dressed as Billy jumped into the movie and got trapped somehow, probably when they switched reels."

"Ah… I have no idea how to handle that without panicking," Harmony said, "and I've already panicked tonight so that's out."

"Sticking that cross in his crack was inspired," Xander told Harmony. "Thanks!"

"Really? Thanks," Harmony said, being honestly complemented on quick thinking was somewhat rare for here.

"I've got Giles, you explain it to him," Cordelia said, handing her phone to him.

"So, vampires are real and you still went off into -" Gwen began.

"A nest, they deliberately entered a vampire nest," Buffy growled.

"Yeah, taking care to seal all portals against them as we went," Amy said. "We weren't planning on coming up here until daylight." She gestured to the skylight above them.

"He had it all planned out," Harmony said impressed.

"Everything," Amy lied. She pulled out a piece of paper and showed it to everyone. "We got the deed to the place for next to nothing."

"Of course they sell it for next to nothing, because everyone they took here died, so it was worthless to them," Willow realized.

"Ok, found out what happened," Xander said, "and what to do about it." He went through all the corpse's pockets.

"Are you mugging him?" Buffy asked in disbelief.

"Why should I let his money dust with him?" Xander replied before putting the body on his shoulder. "Now, Giles said he'll dust with sunrise, but wasn't sure if he needed direct exposure to sunlight, so where's the roof access?"

"Everyone look for the stairs up, yell if you get attacked," Cordelia said dryly before stepping off to see where the various doors lead.

"Janitor's closet," Gwen called out as she checked a door behind a bank of videogames.

"Buffy, you may want to check this out," Willow called out from one end of the room, her and Oz having decided to check behind the authorized personnel only sign.

"What is it?" Buffy asked.

"Looks like private apartments," Oz guessed.

"Electrical room," Amy told Xander as she came out from behind a crane machine that was devoid of prizes. "The only way up seems to be through there. She gestured towards where the others had gone.

"They said it was private apartments," Harmony said. "You guys are so lucky. You should try having some parties here, it would really raise your standing."

"If you've actually sealed it against vampires it would be a lot safer than anywhere else," Gwen said with a shudder, she was seriously considering buying a flamethrower and carrying it everywhere.

"Or I could stop by a couple of times a month and seal the bronze," Xander said to the three girls following him.

"Yeah, a better idea then inviting a bunch of drunken teens into our place," Amy agreed.

The door into the private apartment lead to a living room with a second door and a hall leading off from it.

"Room one clear, but not clean," Buffy said.

"Vamps aren't the best housekeepers," Oz added.

"Found the stairs," Cordelia called from the end of the hall.

"Good, he's getting heavy," Xander said.

Buffy hurried past him. "Slayers first."

"Whoa," Buffy said from the top of the stairs.

"What whoa?" Xander asked as he climbed the stairs.

"Someone built a patio up here," Buffy replied.

Xander stepped out onto the roof behind her and looked around, dropping the corpse in the grass. "I was wondering where the third floor was. I had thought they'd simply taken up the first two with the theater because of the high ceilings."

"That was only half of it," Willow said having followed behind them with Oz. "That and the projector booth, which are on the second floor would only take up half of it, the small arcade and apartment take up the rest."

"Astro turf is so tacky," Cordelia complained.

"Sun deck, tanning area, hot tub, and bar-b-que grill," Oz listed off as he looked around. "If not for the skylight sticking up in the middle of the lawn it'd look like 50's suburbia."

"They lined the wall that looks like a third floor with a fence to complete the illusion," Amy said.

"Can't have a backyard on a theater, it'd look strange and take up parking space," Harmony said.

Xander placed a wafer on the door and recited the Latin prayer while the others poked around.

"And you got this place how cheaply?" Harmony asked.

"Not telling," Amy replied with a grin.

"Can we please watch another movie?" Gwen asked Xander.

"Sure," Xander agreed.

"Do you have the Princess Bride?" Willow asked.

"I don't think so, but we can check," Xander said, waving everyone inside.

"Is that a hickey on your neck?" Willow asked Buffy as they went down the stairs.

"It's a bruise!" Buffy exclaimed. "From the vampires!"

Amy was the last one in and Xander smirked. "An illusionary deed?"

"You're the only one who ever sees through it," she said with a shrug.

"Do you think we could buy this place?" he asked.

"Only if you can come up with about thirty grand," she replied.

"I'll get back to you on that," he said, closing the door to the roof behind them.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**


	3. There is nothing wrong with your TV

Control Freak stepped back into the television as he thought about what Xander had said. He really hadn't been using his ability to its full extent, barely even scratching the surface as he screwed with the Titans to help stabilize this branch of reality.

Sure it was an important job, but there were better ways to go about it.

Though admittedly being a comic villain who had great powers and bumbled around seemed to suit him, it certainly offered the greatest reward for the least amount of effort.

Plus, villainous rants were a lot of fun!

He took a seat in a 50's diner and ordered lunch.

"You're in my seat."

Control Free looked up and saw four middle class suburban teens, it was still too early in the timeline for them to be called preppies.

It was a standard opener, extending the clenched fist of friendship as they marked their territory and checked to see if he was worthy of respect. 'I've watched way too many animal documentaries,' Control Freak thought to himself.

"I don't have the patience to deal with this crap right now," Control Freak said, staring their leader down, "try it some other time."

The owner delivered Alex's lunch before they could respond and the teens backed off, not wanting to get an adult involved who would call the police if he felt it was needed.

"Smells great," Control Freak said, his mood instantly improving. 'They knew how to cook back in the Fifty's!'

"Dig in," the owner said, smiling widely as he returned to the grill, happy to have his hard work appreciated.

"This is my booth, but I don't mind sharing," a young man in a black leather jacket and a white undershirt said, sliding in the seat across from him.

Control Freak looked up from his meal. "Thanks, Fonzie, I appreciate that."

Fonzie took a second look at Control Freak, taking note of his manner of dress which in no way fit the locale. "You wouldn't happen to be friends with a guy named… Mork, would you?"

"No, but I have heard of him," Control Freak admitted.

"So you're not here to do anything freaky?" Fonzie asked cautiously.

"Just came here for the food and a chance to think about some things," Control Freak replied.

"The food is good," Fonzie agreed before his hand. "Arthur Fonzarelli, call me Fonzie."

Control Freak wiped his hands on a napkin before shaking Fonzie's hand. "Alexander Weston, call me Control Freak or Alex since it fits this place better."

"Alex it is," Fonzie said, snapping his fingers.

The owner of the diner, Al, set a glass of milk in front of Fonzie before vanishing back behind the grill.

He took a large drink of milk before asking, "So, what's on your mind? Anything I can help with?"

"I don't know if you've got the frame of reference to understand it," Alex said, "it's pretty out there."

"So waste a breath telling me and let's see," Fonzie suggested, legs stretched out on the seat as relaxed as a great cat on a tree limb.

Alex chuckled. "Alright, there is a tribe of Amerinds who have this giant stone clock that is powered by water and they believe that if they ever stop keeping it running, time itself will end."

"Amerind?" Fonzie asked.

"American Indian," Alex explained. "In the future we use the term Amerind because Indian is considered offensive."

"Like we use the word colored since that other word was used disrespectfully by some heinous people," Fonzie said, letting the 'future' bit pass without comment.

"Exactly," Alex agreed, "of course the term colored is going to be considered disrespectful in a couple of decades since those same people will still put a sneer in it like they were saying the other word and in the end they'll simply change it every couple of decades to something new. Anyway, back to my main point."

Alex stopped and took a drink of soda. "Imagine that they actually did keep time running by doing that."

"Heavy," Fonzie said with a nod as he contemplated it. "Are we sure they don't?"

Alex smiled broadly. "Actually, they do, but they aren't the only ones. The beams that support reality usually have a lot of backups, so it's not all on one group… unless that reality has 'moved on' due to age or because of breakers. Time of course is one of the main beams of any reality."

"That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die," Fonzie quoted with a shudder.

Alex sighed. "The destruction of that reality echoed through over half of creation."

Fonzie froze. "That's… real? Cause I gotta tell ya, I only heard that poem once, from this college girl I was seeing, and it creeped me out and stuck in my head ever since."

"It was real, but it's best not to think about it," Alex said. "Anyway there are groups and sometimes individuals that support the beams and keep the worlds turning. Now I know a group that is just starting out and I encourage them by pretending to be a bad guy and letting them defeat me after putting them through their paces."

"Like a trainer," Fonzie said in understanding. "And this helps keep the world turning?"

"It does," Alex agreed, "but a… friend of mine," he smiled. "A friend of mine pointed out that I could do so much more. What I'm doing is just scratching the surface of my abilities and I realized I could support the world a lot more if I just manned up and got it together."

Fonzie nodded. "Sounds like you've already made up your mind on what to do. So, what's the question?"

Alex opened his mouth, paused, and then laughed. "I have made up my mind, I guess I just had to talk it through with someone who understood."

"Not sure I understood, but thanks," Fonzie said with a smile.

Alex grinned and stood up. "It was good talking to you, but I gotta go get my butt kicked now."

"You need a hand?" Fonzie asked.

"Nah, you can't be a man if you're afraid of a little rumble now and then," Alex said. "Besides, it's a good way to clear my head."

"True, but you aren't exactly…" Fonzie tried to think of a nice way to phrase it.

"I'm shaped like a potato," Alex said, amused.

"Yeah, a bit," Fonzie agreed.

"That's why I'm going to get my ass kicked," Alex said as he stretched, "which will help encourage me to do something about it."

"I'll just make sure they keep it fair," Fonzie promised, getting up.

Alex exited the diner and found the four teens waiting for him in the parking lot, but they stopped and looked nervous as Fonzie followed him out. "Relax, he's just here to make sure it's fair, in other words no weapons."

The four looked offended.

"I don't know you guys well enough to know if you're stand up guys or not," Alex explained, causing the teens to relax and getting several agreeable nods.

"OK, there are four rules," Alex said soberly, "to Fight Club!"

 **5 Minutes Later**

Alex hit the ground hard, but rolled over and pushed himself back to his feet. Chad was wavering on his feet and he was pretty sure he could take him before facing Mark.

"You don't hit for shit, but man can you take some punishment," Craig said from where he was leaning against his car, nursing a split lip.

Chad swung, telegraphing his blow, Alex deflected it with a mental 'wax off' and rabbit punched him in the kidney.

Chad collapsed with a groan. "I'm done," he announced after he tried and failed to get back up.

"I told you, stop with the long wind ups, it's a dead giveaway," Alex pointed out, wiping the sweat from his eyes and flinching from brushing his swollen left one.

"Yeah, got it," Chad said, not moving from the pavement as he tried to catch his breath.

"Next," Alex said, looking at Mark and Steve.

"I don't know," Mark said, "I mean you look pretty worn out. It wouldn't feel right."

"It's to help motivate me to get in shape," Alex said. "Now, would you mind helping kick my ass?"

Fonzie laughed and the other guys quickly joined in.

"How can I refuse to help a guy in need," Mark said rhetorically. "OK," he passed his jacket to Steve, "let's do this." He three a quick jab towards Alex's face.

Alex threw his arms up to protect his face, but it turned out to be a feint as Mark's fist nailed him in the stomach and knocked the wind out of him and everything went grey around the edges as he sank to his knees.

"When he gets back into shape he's going to be one hell of a tough," Mark said with a grin as Alex slowly fell sideways to collapse on the ground.

"How do you feel?" Fonzie asked as he looked Alex over.

"Like I just got my ass handed to me," Alex said, making no move to rise.

"Nice one," Chad said with a grin.

"You motivated now?" Mark asked curiously.

"Oh, yeah," Alex agreed, still too weak to move. "I haven't felt this motivated since the orphanage I was in was gassed."

"You're an orphan?" Chad asked. "Tough break."

"Who would gas an orphanage?" Steve asked in horror.

"A complete lunatic," Alex replied, recalling the Joker's mad laughter. "And in a complete change of subject, thanks for the help, I really do appreciate it."

"Any time," Chad said as he and his boys got ready to leave. "You know, I like that Fight Club thing."

"Rule one," Alex said, nodding to some approaching teens.

"Gotcha," he replied. "See you on the flip side."

Three younger teens approach cautiously.

"Hey Fonzie, do you need any help?" one of them asked nervously, clearly afraid but not letting it stop him.

"It's cool Cunningham, this was just some friends demonstrating a little lesson in self defense," Fonzie said as the four left and he helped Alex to his feet.

"Looks like he failed," the red head with the big ears said.

"Ralph!" Cunningham exclaimed.

"What? He's got a point," his dark haired friend agreed.

"Yeah, but it's rude to point that out, Potsie," Cunningham said.

"He took out two of them, so I think he did OK," Fonzie said with a grin. "Let's get you cleaned up," he told Alex.

"He took out two?!" Ralph exclaimed in disbelief. "But he's a potato!"

"Ralph!" Cunningham exclaimed again.

Alex laughed. "I am a potato, but I'm a potato who has had lessons in karate."

"I'll take you back to my place," Fonzie said. "You good to ride?"

"I'll give him a ride Fonzie," Cunningham offered.

"Thanks," Fonzie said, leading Alex to a mid 50's red Ford convertible.

"Try not to bleed on the seats," Ralph said.

"Ralph!" Cunningham complained.

"What?" Ralph said cluelessly. "Richie, I'm the one who has to clean them and you can't get chicks in a blood stained car."

Alex laughed. "You I like," he told Ralph. "I'll try not to make a mess. Besides, my nose stopped bleeding a minute ago."

Fonzie revved his motorcycle and Richie pulled out to follow him.

"So what was the fight about?" Potsie asked curiously.

"Just the typical pecking order behavior," Alex replied. "They didn't know me and wanted to see what I was like."

"Seriously?" Ralph asked.

"Pretty much," Alex replied. "I proved I was man enough to take what they could dish out and gave back some in return and next time we run into each other they'll probably buy me a drink."

"Looks like a lot to go through for just a soda," Potsie said, shaking his head.

"So they'll respect you now," Richie said.

"Exactly. Fight once, earn their respect, or cower away and get hassled all the time," Alex replied. "It's a simple system, but it works."

"I think they would have pounded me flat if I tried that," Ralph said.

"Probably, but as long as you kept getting up, they'd respect you," Alex replied.

"Well, I'm a lover not a fighter," Ralph said.

"Fighters get the chicks," Alex said, as Ralph's friends laughed.

Ralph was silent for a moment. "So… how hard is it to learn karate?"

Alex grinned. "Exercise, work out, and learn boxing," he suggested. "It works better for one on one and is easier to find a trainer for."

"Sounds like a lot of effort," Ralph said slowly.

"How much is your self respect worth?" Alex asked.

"A pint of blood tops," Ralph quipped.

"How much is getting chicks like Fonzie does?"

"And suddenly I feel the need to train," Ralph said brightly.

"It'll help with the ladies?" Potsie asked seriously.

"Definitely," Alex said, thinking about Starfire. "Women love warriors."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"He really rang your bell," Mark told Craig.

"Yeah, he was fat, but he had some moves," Craig agreed cheerfully.

"That Fight Club thing…" Chad trailed off, causing the others to look at him. "I don't know, but it really spoke to me."

"Yeah," Craig agreed. "I mean, how often do you get a good fight without some bozos interfering or hassling you?"

"We could start our own," Steve said.

The guys began to grin.

"Invitation only, out at the old quarry," Mark said, warming to the idea.

"Yeah!"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Fonzie handed Alex a wet washcloth to clean the blood off his face as Alex looked around his place.

"TV?" Alex asked.

Fonzie opened a cabinet revealing a 19 inch rounded green tinted cathode ray set. "Got it from a guy for fixing his jalopy," Fonzie said. "It had a short in the plug, but the girls seem to like it, so I fixed it."

Alex finished wiping off his face and returned the washcloth to Fonzie. "Want to see something rad?"

"Rad?" Fonzie asked curiously.

"Cool," he explained.

"I'm always up for something cool," Fonzie replied easily, still a bit distracted by what they'd talked about earlier.

Alex turned on the TV and waited for it to warm up. "Trust me, you'll love it," Control Freak said with a grin as he heard the theme song from I Dream of Genie come through the speakers.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	4. Morty to the Infinite Power

**Morty to the Infinite Power**

"Hey, Rick?"

"Yeah, what Morty?" the old scientist replied as he made some minute adjustments to his portal ray.

"What's Project Phoenix?"

"How the ***BURP*** hell do you know about Project Phoenix?!" Rick demanded waving a flathead screwdriver in a threatening manner.

"Easy!" Morty held his hand up defensively. "You mentioned it while destroying your clones after the Tiny Rick clone situation."

"The one where you left me to die in a tube, I remember," Rick said with a glare.

"I trusted you when you said it was safe and you had it all figured out," Morty replied. "Are you saying I should think I know better than you?"

Rick looked thoughtful, burped, and scratched his ass with his screwdriver. "Ok, you have a point there."

"Thank you," Morty said. "Now, what was Project Phoenix?"

"Why the sudden interest?" he asked before taking a hit off his flask.

"I dunno, it just seemed like something to ask," Morty replied.

"Hmm," Rick said suspiciously for a moment before shrugging. "I suppose the odd of us being in a simulation are remote and Project Phoenix is a bust… wait! Did you hurt your right wrist?"

"It's kinda sore," Morty admitted.

"That ***BURP*** explains why you're bored," Rick said amused.

Morty groaned. "Can you please explain Project Phoenix to me?"

"Eh, sure, what the hell," Rick said, hitting a button on the counter and sending the garage sinking into the ground like an elevator.

The front of the garage slowly ambled upwards revealing Rick's cloning lab. The shattered tubes filled with destroyed Rick clones were thankfully gone.

"I had originally planned on making backups in case we died, but the Tiny Rick situation showed me that transferring memories does not transfer consciousness. The clones wouldn't be me, even if they had all of my memories, they'd be more like identical twins ***BURP*** who had no lives of their own."

"We' died?" Morty asked. "Did you make clones of me?"

"Did I make clones of you Morty… Hahaha!" Rick laughed nervously and flipped a switch lighting up row after row of tubes filled with Morty clones and almost all of them… different.

"I… I," Morty fell silent for a moment. "Ok, why is there so many different versions of me? Is that one a rabbit? Hey, that's a catgirl!"

"Well… I got this idea while you were involved in that Poke the Mom game," Rick explained.

"It's called Pokémon, it has nothing to do with Poking any Moms," Morty said.

"Are you sure?" Rick asked. "I mean ***BURP*** it is Japanese."

"Yes, Rick I'm sure," Morty said. "Wait?! Were you making Pokémon versions of me to battle to the death in some sort of blood sport?"

"No! Come on, this is your Grandpa Rick. I wouldn't do that to you," he said earnestly… an almost sure sign he was lying, "unless we really needed to."

Morty considered that and eventually gave a small nod.

"Anyway, as I said, I got the idea while you were playing that game, not that I copied it. At the time I thought it was possible to move consciousness from one body to another, so I thought 'What if I had clones evolved to blend in, in different environments' and I got a bit carried away."

Morty looked over the hundreds of altered clones of himself and slowly shook his head. "Wh-what are we going to do with them all?"

"We could just kill them," Rick suggested.

"Rick! We can't just kill them, they're family!" Morty exclaimed.

"Alright, alright," Rick said holding out his palms, "just calm down. It was only an idea."

"Well come up with a better one," Morty said, "you're a genius, it shouldn't be that hard."

"Well.." Rick said thoughtfully, figuring out how to make Morty happy and offload all the work onto him, "I could scan your brain, implant your memories into them, and you could find worlds where they would be happy."

Morty perked up. "That's a great idea, Rick!"

"Yep, ***BURP*** it's a genius idea," Rick said, smugly. "Now you go play while I get everything set up."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Morty looked at the six-foot-tall monitor connected to a complex console with a comfy chair. "Wow!"

"Use the console to find the appropriate dimension, hit the big red button to turn it into a portal, hit it again to close and voila!" Rick said, before taking a pull off his flask.

"And they already have my memories?" Morty asked.

Rick picked a helmet up off the chair next to the console. "Put it on, wait thirty second until it dings, put it on the clone."

"I can do that," Morty said brightly. "Thanks, Grandpa Rick!"

"Don't ***BURP*** mention it," Rick said, happy that he wouldn't have to do any grunt work. "Later."

Morty sat at the console and put on the helmet. There was a strange floating feeling for a few seconds and then he heard a loud ding. He took off the helmet and set it to the side before turning to the monitor. "Now… what should I look for?"

"How about a world just like this one except I just died in an accident?" he said aloud, remembering how he and Rick had taken over their counterparts' spots when they arrived here.

Examining the tubes he found two child version of himself, one male, one female, and six teen version of himself, three of each sex.

"I guess I'll start with the kid me," he decided, hitting the button to wake up the clone.

The fluid draining from the tube before the tube sank into the platform, leaving a naked child version of himself lying bonelessly on the floor. Morty put the helmet on and there was a slight hissing sound before the kid sat up.

"Why does everything look so big? Wait! Why am I a child? Rick must have made some kid clones. Why would he make kid clones? Why does Rick do anything?" He took off the helmet and handed it to his older self. "Now what?"

"Now we find a world who's Morty just bit it and swap you out," Morty told him.

"Getting to redo my life from age… five?" he guessed. "I can handle that."

"Let's see what we can find," Morty said cheerfully, typing in a search command and causing the monitor to light up, showing hundreds of smaller screens.

"Eliminate ones where our family is having money problems," Kid Morty said.

"Ok," Morty replied, typing in a few more command and cutting the number of available worlds to a third.

The number cut down to four.

Kid Morty watched them carefully. "Let's go with number three, it's raining, and no one saw him getting struck by lightning."

Morty triggered the portal and retrieved his dead younger self so the clone could put on his clothes and take his place. "It is really fucked up that this doesn't disturb me," he said, stripping the corpse of clothes.

"You know the answer to that," his younger self said, getting dressed.

"In a fucked up world, not being fucked up, would be fucked up," Morty said.

"Yep, now wish me luck," Kid Morty said, before hopping through the screen and heading for 'home' the rain pouring down around him.

Morty shut down the portal and pulled his young corpse off to the side. He'd rather deal with them in piles, it was less personal that way.

He looked at the five year old female clone of himself and then at the helmet in his hands. He wasn't sure giving her his memories would be a good idea. He knew he'd be unhappy to sudden find himself genderswapped.

The air next to him shimmered and a female version of him stepped out of it holding the same helmet.

"I look pretty good as a girl," he said, trying to break the silence before it got awkward.

"I'm not so bad as a guy either," she replied, blushing slightly. "Morticia."

"Morty," he replied. "Switch helmets?"

"Yeah, we can just reprogram them with our own patterns after we've dealt with all the opposite gender clones," she offered.

"Or get Grandpa Rick to add a selector switch so we can simply switch back and forth," he said thoughtfully, thinking it would be easier to go by mutations rather than gender.

"I think I'll just go by gender," she said, as they switched helmets.

"Suit yourself," Morty said unconcerned and gave her a wave as she stepped back into the shimmer and vanished.

"Hey, Grandpa Rick!" Morty called out as he went in search of his grandfather.

 **Half an hour later**

He placed the helmet on Young Morticia's head and waited.

Young Morticia sat up and looked around. "Why is everything so big? Why am I naked? Oh yeah, clones, I'm the young clone of myself. Wait! Why are you male?!"

"I got a copy of female me's brain," Morty told her. "Ready?"

"Yeah," she agreed taking off the helmet. "I think I've got it. I really should have updated the pattern after I had the idea for it, so I wouldn't be so confused though."

"Probably," Morty agreed, turning to the console and searching for compatible worlds where she had just died.

"See if there's one where Summer is my older brother," she suggested. "As an older sister she was a complete bitch to me."

"Alright," Morty agreed, cutting down the option to under a dozen.

"That one," Young Morticia said, pointing to a limp body in the shower. "Slipped and drowned in the bath means I don't have to strip a body."

"Got it," Morty said, opening the portal and retrieving the body which he set on top of the other corpse.

"Bye!" she said with a wave as she stepped into the shower.

Morty closed the portal, careful not to get any water on the console. "I need a towel," he noted, before going to dry off.

 **Ten minutes later**

"Why am I naked? Because I'm a clone," the second Morty realized.

"Yeah, and I've got several options ready for you," Morty said. "We have rich and a world where they have hoverboards. You broke your neck on one just a minute ago."

"I'll just have to be more careful than that one of us was," the clone said, stepping through the portal and retrieving the body so he could put on its clothes.

 **Next clone**

"Why am I naked? Because I'm a clone," Morticia realized. "Why are you male?"

"Got a copy of one of my female selves," Morty said, trying not to stare at his naked female clone.

"I should have updated the pattern after we had the idea to prevent confusion," Morticia said. She turned to the console. "Why are all my other selves naked on the monitor?"

"So, we don't have to strip them," Morty replied. "I've concentrated on same family, and we have money."

"Got one where I'm the older sister?" she asked.

"Let's see," Morty said typing away and reducing everything to three screens.

"Number two," Morticia said. "Auto erotic asphyxiation is pretty easy to avoid, so I don't have to worry about copying her."

"Got it," Morty said, locking it down and retrieving the body, his nose wrinkling in distaste at the smell of sex and death as he dragged the corpse over to the others.

"Thanks, bye!" Morticia said with a wave as she stepped through the portal.

 **Next Clone**

"I want to be the older brother," Clone Morty told him. "I bet Summer is easier to deal with as a younger sister."

"Sure," Morty agreed. "Rich?"

"Of course, or at least well off. I don't want to have to work my way through college," the clone replied.

"Gotcha," Morty said. "Preferences on dad?"

"Not really," the clone admitted.

"Ok, broken home, rich, older brother… auto erotic asphyxiation…" Morty said with a sigh.

"Well, at least I won't have to strip him," the clone noted, retrieving the body to drop with the others.

 **One hour later**

"Hey, Morty," Rick said.

"Yeah, Rick?"

"I'm your grandfather and I'll love you no matter what, but why is there a pile of clones of you that look like they were strangled to death while having sex?"

"They were the easiest to replace with live clones," Morty said. "Apparently auto erotic asphyxiation is really dangerous."

"Ah," Rick said sounding relieved.

Morty turned around and saw the blaster in his grandfather's hands. "What happened to 'I'll love you no matter what'?"

"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to put up with all their sick shit, Morty," Rick explained.

"Huh," Morty said as he considered that. "That makes sense and I wouldn't want serial killer version of me running around either."

"I'm glad ***BURP*** you agree, Morty," Rick said. "What are you planning on doing with all these corpses of yourself?"

"Either some awful practical jokes or dump them in a world with a shortage of vital organs," Morty replied as he typed away. "I was going to look for a world with the dead rising, but I don't want that stuff to get over here."

"Good thinking, Morty," Rick said proudly, "but I installed a bio-filter on all my portal devices after that thing with the parasites, so it's perfectly safe."

"Zombieland it is then," Morty said. "Do we have a wheelbarrow anywhere?"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: Pocket Mortys was a fun game and what would you do with a portal device and multiple clones of yourself?**

 **TN: I agree Pocket Mortys was fun, but it didn't hold my attention too long. If I had access to the same setup, I'd probably do the same thing for the clones that Morty is doing, but would probably just sacrifice the outfit the clone was wearing and chose other deaths. And with access to a portal gun, I'd probably go find worlds where I had recently/just died and loot things. Use dead counterparts credit card to buy up a ton of booze, electronics and such. Clear out bank accounts, then come back and figure out a way to never have to work again, without the government arresting me for tax evasion or something along those lines. I would feel so bad for any of my clones that had to go back to school, god, memories of dealing with high school and college bs, then going back to school? No thanks, find a nice post apocalyptic world for them to survive in.**


	5. Morty to the infinite power 2

**Previous chapter ANYASEMF004**

"What are you doing?" Summer asked curiously.

"Finding places to switch out my clones with ones who have died after giving them copies of my memories," Morty replied distractedly.

"So, you haven't been kidnapping alternate versions of yourself to strangle while having sex with?" she asked hopefully.

Morty sighed. "No, it's easier to use worlds where I died via auto erotic asphyxiation because I'm alone and naked, so I don't have to worry about witnesses or having to strip any dead mes."

"That makes sense," Summer said relieved.

Morty turned around and saw Summer had a stun gun in her hand. "Going to kill me if I turned out to be a kinky sex freak mass murderer?"

"What? No!" Summer sounded horrified. "I was simply going to knock you out and then chain you up in the basement for the rest of your life."

Morty smiled. "I love you too, Sis."

"Enough to chain me up in the basement for the rest of my life?" she asked.

"I… you want me to chain you up?" Morty asked, blushing.

"No! I mean if I was a serial killer you'd chain me up and keep me safe, right?" she quickly explained.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Morty said. "Though I'd probably get Rick to make some sort of neural chip so we wouldn't have to use chains and build a replica of the house on an empty world. I think that's about the best I can do to keep you safe and free off the top of my head."

"Turning me into a sex doll?" Summer asked with a smirk.

"What? No!" Morty said. "Huh, deja vu." He shook his head. "Where did you get sex doll from?"

"Well," she said with a shrug, "if you put a chip in me to make me obey you and you were the only other person I saw… I'd only have you to provide me with love and affection. I'd still need human contact, so… it would just be a lot easier if you programmed that in so I'd have at least some semblance of a life. Is the idea really that repulsive?"

Morty just stared at Summer in complete disbelief before sighing. "Let me guess, you aren't sure whether I'm being honest about what I'm doing so you want to check by seeing if I have any deviant sexual desires."

"I was that obvious?" she asked.

"You've got a white knuckled grip on the stun gun," Morty explained. "And I would just like to point out, that even if I harbored sexual feeling towards you, that would not make me a serial killer."

"Have you seen the guys I've dated?" Summer asked. "Remember the thing with the devil?"

"I… I think that has more to do with your taste in men than who you attract," Morty said. He frowned. "So really the question is… what would you do with me if you had me chained up in the basement?"

Summer frowned and seemed to be debating something in her head.

"Look, just go check with Grandpa to see what's going on, ok?"

"Alright, but the incest thing wasn't checking you to see if you wanted me, I just thought that if you were strangling your clones to death during sex it would be incestous," she explained.

"No, they are me so it'd be more like masturbation, except for the strangling part," he explained.

"Even the female ones?" she asked.

"Ok, that would be a little like incest, but since they're still me it's still masturbation," Morty said.

"Well… you do masturbate a lot," Summer pointed out.

"I'm a teenage boy," Morty said, "and since your room is right next to mine do you really want to argue about it?"

"Fine," Summer groaned. "So, why are all the screens filled with… zombies?"

"I'm looking for a world where the dead rise up but aren't mindless," Morty explained. "I figure I can put all the dead mes there so they can have a second chance."

"You have a strange mind, little bro," Summer said.

"Yeah, I can admit to that," he agreed, turning back to the screen. "This one looks good."

"How can you tell?" Summer asked, leaning over his shoulder.

Because they are mostly just walking around and even nodding at one another," he explained. "I don't see any swarming or violence."

"Probably because there aren't any people," she pointed out. "Plus, those grey skeleton ones look mean."

"Yeah, but as ravaging hordes of undead go they look pretty content," he said. "You can't really expect a lot in this sort of situation."

"How are you going to make sure it doesn't spread here?" Summer asked. "Most zombie movies have some sort of plague."

"Grandpa Rick put in a biofilter," Morty explained, fetching a wheelbarrow and filling it with dead Mortys.

"I can't believe so many of you died from masturbating while choking themselves," Summer said, making a face at all the naked and sticky dead bodies.

"Infinite means everything happens a lot," Morty replied.

"You don't…"

"No, I may do a lot of things, but I have never tried strangling myself, and after seeing all the dead mes I'm not going to," he assured her.

"Oh, good," she said.

It took a dozen trips before he finished and a simple tap of the big red button closed the portal so it was view only.

"Why a bed store?" she asked.

"No zombies to attack us," watching as the Mortys woke up and untangled themselves before going right back to what they were doing when they died.

He quickly switched view to the world where Morticia was switching clones out with their dead counterparts. He saw she'd been going much slower and had a machine that made clothes so they didn't have to be stripped.

"How many clones do you have left?" Summer asked.

"A lot," Morty replied. "I've just finished the normal clones of me, and I have to deal with the mutant clones Rick made, and after that there are the clones of you and Mom."

"What?"

"Grandpa Rick made clones of all of us, when he thought he could use them to bring us back from the dead, but since consciousness doesn't transfer they have to be taken care of. What did you think I was doing?"

"Well… I had thought you were a serial killer I was going to have to chain up in the basement," she reminded him, "and then I thought you were making clones to replace dead yous so other versions of our family wouldn't be sad you were gone."

"Oh," he said. "Well, I'm actually doing that, just using clones Rick already made."

"And you're going to do that with clones of Me and Mom as well?"

"They deserve a shot at life and it's one less sad version of our family in the multiverse," Morty pointed out.

"Well… let me know when you start on the clones of me and I'll help, alright?"

"I will, in fact I'll have to since I'll need to get a scan of your memories to give them," he replied. "Now go check with Rick to make sure I'm telling the truth."

"I'm pretty sure you're on the level with everything," Summer said.

"Summer, our family are champions at overthinking things and having second thoughts, so please go and check with Grandpa Rick."

"You've got a point, alright, see you later."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Why am I naked? Why am I a rabbit person? Oh yeah, the whole cloning thing," Rabbit Morty realized as he removed the helmet.

"Want me to find you a rabbit world?" Morty asked.

"Yeah… no," Rabbit Morty decided. "Find a world where they have legends about Rabbit people being good luck, great lovers, and all that. If I'm going to be a rabbit person I might as well enjoy it."

"Yeah, that would be a better idea," Morty said thoughtfully. He found an appropriate world and opened the portal.

Rabbit Morty drug the dead analogue out of the bathroom and into the lab. "Thanks Morty, I really appreciate this."

"You'd do the same for me," Morty reminded him as he stepped through the portal. He moved onto the next clone.

"Why am I naked? Why am I a Rabbit? Why are you male?" Rabbit Morticia asked. "Nevermind, I get it," she said as she realized what was going on and removed the helmet and forced herself not to blush.

"Want me to find a world where Rabbit people are considered lucky and excellent lovers?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Sounds like too much pressure, give me a world where rabbit people are the norm," she requested. "After a moment's though she added, "also one where Summer has smaller breasts than me."

Morty nodded and searched for the appropriate world. 'I'll never understand women, not even when I am one.'

"That looks good," she said as he narrowed it down to a few.

He entered the portal and picked up the still twitching corpse of a Rabbit Morticia and carried it into the lab.

"Thanks," Rabbit Morticia said before entering the portal.

Closing the portal he check to see what was next and found himself just staring at the next two clones. "Ectoplasmic? How did he even make ghost clones?"

Searching the tube he found a number of cables labeled memory matrix and followed them to the control panel that had a slot for the helmet.

Morty sighed. "Of course Grandpa Rick wouldn't rely on manual downloading of memories when he could automate the process. I should have thought of that sooner."

 **Five minutes later**

Morty hit the button to release the ghost Morty and Morticia at the same time.

"Who? What? How? Oh yea," the pair chorused before examining each other.

"Do you guys want to haunt somewhere? Or maybe a ghost version of our family? Because I don't think we are going to find dead ghosts to replace," Morty said.

"Danny Phantom," Ghost Morticia said. "Danny Phantom had the Ghost Portal device so we could use that to do a reverse of what he did."

"Better than what I was thinking," Ghost Morty admitted. At their questioning glances he replied, "Beetlejuice or Scooby Doo and the Ghoul School."

"Grandpa Rick could make a ghost device," Morty pointed out.

"He could, but getting him to do it would be a problem," Ghost Morticia said. "He doesn't consider clones people. Look at what he did to his own."

"Dealing with all the other Ricks didn't really help his opinion of other possible Ricks," Ghost Morty pointed out, "but yeah, I gotta agree. It's going to be easier to use their portal and probably more fun too."

"Separate worlds?" Morty asked.

The two exchanged glances. "No, I'd like some backup dealing with this mess," Ghost Morticia said.

"All for one and all that," Ghost Morty agreed.

"Let's see what I can find," Morty said and started pairing down worlds. "Did you want a world with some version of our family there?"

The two looked at one another.

"Is that even possible?" Ghost Morty asked.

"Infinity is a pretty big place," Morty said, and started typing away. "And… you've gotta be kidding me."

"What?" Ghost Morticia asked.

Morty sighed. "You guy are twins and you both just died by… auto erotic asphyxiation."

"Wait, together?" they chorused.

"No, just at the same time," Morty assured them.

"Did we leave ghosts?" Ghost Morticia asked.

"Yeah, it looks like it," Morty said setting up the portal. "Looks like there'll be four of you if you don't mind helping your native selves."

"Of course we'll help ourselves," Ghost Morty said, "we like us."

Morty stepped through the portal and into a girl's bedroom.

"Morty!" a female ghost squeaked. "Don't look! I don't want you to remember me like this!" she begged tears in her eyes.

"Sis, relax," Morty said, while scooping her naked body off the bed. "We can fix this, just follow me."

The crying ghost followed him through the portal and into the lab. "What?" she asked as she saw the two other ghosts.

Morty gently set her body with the others, taking the time to undo the belt around her neck. "I'm going to go get the other Morty now, you guys explain things."

It was a lot easier emotionally to retrieve the other Morty in the back of a van in the garage as he let the ghosts talk and he located the Phenton ghost portal and moved the portal exit to the lab right next to it.

"So, you guys decide to stick it out together?" Morty asked, seeing his ghost-self comfort the recently dead sister.

"With four of us we can cover for two of us ghosting," Ghost Morticia said, "it should make things a lot easier."

"I can't believe we both died…" the other Ghost Morticia trailed off blushing.

"There is a lot of that going around," Morty told her. "Now, I'll activate the ghost portal and you guys run through it, then get back here, I don't know that they have alarms on it, but they'd be stupid not to. We'll use the portal in the lab to get you guys home before anyone knows you're missing."

"So, we put this portal behind it so it's a straight shot," Ghost Morticia said.

Morty paused. "Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking," he lied, moving the portal. "Ok, I'll flip the portal on, you guys leap through and into the lab. I'll then turn it off and follow. Should take us all of two seconds."

The ghosts all nodded and followed Morty into the Phenton's lab.

"Ghosts detected!" the security systems announced before sirens went off and several machines started powering up.

Morty hit the switch and the glowing green portal snapped on. "Go!" he yelled.

The four ghosts dove through the two portals, sucking Morty along in their wake.

"Close the portal!" Morty called out to the Morticia closest to the panel.

She smashed the red button closing the portal to the lab but letting them view the Phenton's dimension were the automated security drones searched for ghosts.

"That was a close one," Morty said, looking at the others and smiling as he saw they were human again.

Summer stepped into the lab and stared.

The four naked teens and floating ghost Morty grinned nervously. "Hey, Summer," they chorused.

 **Typing and omake by: fyrewolf5**

 **The start of this chapter made me wonder how things could have played out differently.**

 **Omake: Shoot first, ask questions later.**

Morty was focused on the console looking for the right zombie world to drop off the first bunch of his dead alternates so they'd have the best chance at a good second life. He had just narrowed down the list to a few possibilities when he heard a loud zap and felt a powerful jolt of electricity hit him.

As everything was fading out he could just hear Summer telling him, "It's going to be alright, I'll take care of everything little bro."

The last thing Morty thought was 'Crap, Summer went insane from another boyfriend dumping her and killed me, well at least I didn't die from auto erotic asphyxiation.'

Morty slowly came to, feeling disoriented and confused since he was neither dead, nor in a bed. Which meant the electrocution wasn't from something of Grandpa Rick's exploding and nearly killing him again. Trying to stretch and work out the stiffness from sleeping in an odd position due to his forced nap, he realized he was chained up in the basement. Looking around he saw everything had been cleared out beyond his reach and that the chain was firmly attached to an eyebolt in the wall that he'd never noticed before. "I hope Mom and Dad weren't using this as a kinky sex dungeon," Morty said with a horrified shiver.

A few minutes later the door at the top of the stairs opened, and Summer rushed down with a stun gun in one hand and a bag of packaged food and soda in the other. "Summer, what the hell is going on?" Morty asked.

"Don't worry bro, you may be a perverted serial killer strangling your alternatives to death while having sex with them, but you're still my brother and I won't let the Council of Ricks kill you," Summer said sincerely.

"I may not be able to trust you and let you out of here for the rest of your life, but at least you'll be alive. Now I just need to figure out how to break this to Mom, I'm sure Grandpa Rick won't be that surprised," Summer explained.

Morty couldn't help but groan. "Summer, I didn't kill my alternatives, they died of auto erotic asphyxiation," Morty explained.

"So, you just watched them die then tossed them into a pile? What were you doing while they were dying?" Summer couldn't help but ask in horrified curiosity.

"No, I was swapping out alternatives that died with clones Rick made. It was just easier to go for naked clones, so I didn't have to strip them for their clothes," Morty tried to explain again.

"Really?" Summer asked hopefully.

"Really, go ask Grandpa Rick, he made all the clones and knows what I was up to, and once I finish with my clones we'll need to do the same for your's and Mom's" Morty told her.

"Ok, here are some snacks while I go check with Grandpa, if you're telling the truth, I'll let you go, if you're lying no more treats for a week," Summer promised.

Realizing he hadn't eaten in a while, since he was distracted dealing with his clones, Morty got a snack and a drink from the bag, then started to inspect his current confines to see if there was a way to escape incase Summer had gone insane and decided to keep him locked up. Looking closely at the shackles and eye bolt he soon realized that they were both recent additions to the basement and seemed to be properly secured. Which raised the questions of how Summer had got everything set up so quickly, and more concerning why did the shackles fit him so well? Best not to consider that line of thought too deeply while he was still chained up.

Several minutes later Summer returned looking relieved and a bit sheepish. "Sorry about that little bro, but walking into Rick's lab and seeing you staring at a screen of yous, with a pile of dead naked yous that had been choked to death nearby made me think you had finally lost it from one of Rick's adventures," Summer explained as she came over and released him.

"I guess I can understand how it might have looked that way without having any details," Morty agreed. And now that he didn't have to risk being left chained up if she didn't want to answer, Morty had to ask, "So why was I chained up in the basement anyway, were you planning on turning me into a sex slave or something?"

Summer blushed and managed to splutter out, "What?! No! Why would you think that?"

"Well, it just seemed like the obvious option, chained up in the basement, unable to interact with anyone besides the family, having to do what I was told if I wanted to have food. Sounds like sex slave training to me," Morty explained. "Plus, I'd never have been able to leave you, seemed like something you might do to an ex that tried to break up with you, or someone that rejected you."

Summer was frozen with a shocked, yet thoughtful expression on her face as she considered it, before shaking her head and trying to clear out the ideas that were spawned from that line of thought.

As Morty started walking up the stairs out of the basement he saw Summer start to recover from the shock and called back over his shoulder, "Well if you do ever try to make me a sex slave, at least promise me you'll do your best to get Jessica and maybe Tricia to come over and use me for their pleasure as well," causing Summer to freeze again while he made his way back to the lab to continue helping the clones.

 **AN: *snicker* The corruption of my typist seems to be coming along nicely.**


	6. Lunch Times

**Lunch Times**

"If we were stuck in the Atlantic in sub-arctic conditions, would you let me on the door or leave me to freeze in the water?" Ron asked in the middle of lunch.

Kim put down her manwhich. "What?"

"If we were in the same situation as Rose and Jack, would you leave me in the water?" Ron asked.

"Ron, there wasn't enough room for both of them on the door," Kim said.

"Wade ran a scan of available surface area, there was enough room for both of them. Heck, they would have been warmer with two of them huddling for warmth," Ron replied.

"Seriously?" Monique asked.

"Told ya," Felix said. "No way was a door that big only large enough to fit one skinny girl on, it could easily fit two."

"The door didn't have enough buoyancy," Kim said. "They both tried getting on it several times and it just wouldn't hold."

"They could have shoved some dead bodies under it, that would have given it enough buoyancy," Felix said.

"Easily," Monique agreed. "I mean, half of the corpses were wearing life jackets. He coulda made a raft out of the bodies."

"True, but they didn't think of that," Kim said. "Now, having no way to keep the door afloat with both of them on it he decided to sacrifice himself to save her."

"Why is it always women and children first?" Felix asked.

"Because women didn't get to vote," Monique said, causing everyone to turn and stare at her. "Listen, with rights you get responsibilities. The men got to make the big decisions, so they got to make the big sacrifices."

"I suppose that's fair," Ron allowed. "Wait! Women can vote now, how come it's still women and children first?"

"It's a woman's world. You're just living in it," Monique said, stealing one of his fries.

"Eventually they're going to round us up and put us in camps," Felix said.

"Will you at least make sure it's a nice camp?" Ron asked.

"Of course," Kim said, "don't sweat it."

"Girl, you can't be burning all your woman cred on getting your male friends put in nice camps," Monique disagreed.

"Especially since I'd be burning credits to get him sent to the worst," Bonnie said. She wasn't sure what they were talking about, having just walked up with Tara to hand Kim the latest cheer schedule, but any chance to take a swing at Ron she'd take.

"Sorry bro, between the two of them I think your options are a little slim," Felix told Ron who groaned.

"Women rule the world, men are enslaved," Monique told Tara, seeing the confused look in her eyes.

"So, we get personal slaves right?" Tara asked.

"No reason to enslave all of mankind otherwise," Bonnie said.

"Ron will be my house slave then," Tara said. "He's a good cook, which no one can deny, and I have some other ideas for things I can have him do around the house."

"Kim would make sure you got in a good camp, but Tara would make sure you were her personal slave," Felix said. "It's easy to see what the better deal is."

"Hey!" Kim complained. "I could so make him my slave!"

"Tara called it first," Bonnie disagreed. "You snooze, you lose."

"What kind of foods do you like to eat?" Ron asked Tara. Everyone turned to look at him. "If I'm going to be her personal slave, I really should know her preferences."

"He's already half-trained and he hasn't even been through indoctrination yet," Monique said.

"What about the rebellion?" Felix asked Ron.

"I'm not really feeling it," Ron replied.

"We're slaves, how can you not be feeling it?!" Felix demanded.

"I've got a pretty cushy life," Ron replied. "I cook, I clean, and all I have to do is make Tara happy. My life is set. She's the one who has to go out and deal with all the pressures of life."

Tara frowned and turned to Felix. "Can I join the rebellion?"

Felix nodded and held out a fist. "Right on, sister. Down with the matriarchy!"

"So much for a women's world," Kim said. "When you lose the middle class like that it soon becomes anarchy."

"And men rule again," Monique said with a sigh.

"This is so stressful," Ron complained. "I don't want to decide how much we need to tax steel imports to insure a proper distribution on the tax curve!"

"What if I made your favorite foods and gave you a backrub?" Tara asked.

"That would help," Ron said, perking up a little.

"Aah, back on top," Felix said with a grin before frowning. "Which means a shorter male lifespan due to stress and workplace fatalities."

"You just can't win for losing," Kim said.

"What if we had both parents work?" Felix asked. "We even the field, no one sex is in charge."

"I'm still keeping my perks for being female," Bonnie said.

"They are kinda hardwired in," Kim admitted.

"Unfair, but not a completely one-sided deal," Felix said. "I don't have to get married after all."

"What?" the girls chorused.

"Well think about it," Felix said. "As a man I am no longer king of the castle, but I'm expected to work just like I am. Since the alpha position is gone, what do I have to gain?"

"A family?" Kim replied, as if it were obvious.

"You've seen the statistics, I get to be a father for three to five years tops! After that, its weekend dad at best and three quarters of my money gone," Felix replied. "I'd rather room with Ron and play video games for the next fifty years."

"I don't think I'd leave Tara," Ron said honestly.

"Yeah, but statistically, she'd leave you...probably for Mankey."

Ron looked offended by the very idea, if he had pearls he'd have clutched them.

"I'd never!" Tara exclaimed white faced.

"You would," Felix said with a sad sigh. "See, you've encouraged Ron to get ahead, so he's getting long hours in at work and in the meantime Mankey has been 'running into you' whenever you go out. It seems coincidences, but come on, why would he join yoga for moms?"

"It's a good program," Tara defended it.

"See?" he said to Ron. "Easy prey for Mankey while you are doing everything you can to give her the perfect life."

"While I say her life would be better without him in it, it's clear he's neglecting her in favor of work," Bonnie pointed out. "It's only natural she has to seek satisfaction elsewhere."

"Fifty years of freedom and videogames with me," Felix told Ron with a grin. "Maybe more if we actually watch our health."

"Ron?" Tara asked teary eyed.

"Sorry Bro, still gotta go with Tara," Ron said, causing here to squeal and hug him. "Besides, I don't have to spend all the time at work, I'm already rich."

"I thought Drakken stole it all," Kim said.

"No, all he got was the initial payment and projected yearly profits," Ron explained. "It's been steadily pouring in for the last three years and shows no signs of stopping."

"And what about Mankey?" Bonnie said, drawing Mankey's attention as he saw his girlfriend with her arm around Stoppable.

"What about me?" Mankey asked.

"I'd have him vanished," Ron said, startling everyone. "Do you know how many people I know who would gladly make someone vanish just for a favor from me?"

"Or to repay a favor they owe you," Kim added. "You saved a lot of villains' lives, now that I think about it."

"You'd kill him?" Tara asked wide-eyed.

"Wouldn't need to," Ron said, "I can have his memory wiped, gorilla DNA added, and roaming the southwest being chased by Bigfoot hunters with a snap of my fingers."

"Well...as long as he's not dead," Tara said.

"Babe!" Mankey complained.

"Sorry, but you really shouldn't have tried to come between us," Tara said, "and at least he agreed not to kill you."

"I... I gotta go pack," Mankey said. "Tara, I'm moving to France and don't believe in long distance relationships, bye." He quickly strode off.

"That was rude," Monique said.

"I told you he was a flake," Bonnie said.

"And I'm single again," Tara said with a sigh.

"Want me to come over and cook for you tonight?" Ron asked Tara.

"I'd like that," she said with a big smile.

"Ok, new plan," Felix decided. "Hey Bonnie, wanna play video games for the next fifty years?"

"Me?" she asked in disbelief.

"Why wait for a string of failed marriages and an alcohol dependency problem?" he asked. "Skip it all and do your liver a favor."

Bonnie thought about that for a minute. "Fine, but you better learn to cook because I'm only handling laundry."

"Deal!"

"So, what's your fifty-year plan?" Monique asked Kim.

"Ever seen Buckaroo Banzai?"

Monique nodded. "Rockstar, brain surgeon, philanthropist."

"Might as well go for the gold," Kim said.

"That's going for the gold, silver and bronze," Bonnie disagreed. "Leave something for the rest of us."

"You snooze you lose," Kim said, taking a moment to eat some lunch.

"You can't do everything at once," Bonnie disagreed.

"I can try," Kim argued.

"Ok, looks like Possible is going to be our burnt out overachieving friend," Bonnie said. "Who's got a couch for her?"

"She can babysit the kids for us on date nights," Tara said.

"I'll have enough money not to need to couch surf," Kim said.

"Yeah, but you'll be emotionally numb for having tried to do too much all at once," Monique replied. "Crashing on the Stoppable couch and caring for their kids will help you come back emotionally."

"We can make a movie out of it to show the dangers of overachieving!" Bonnie said.

"When are we having kids?" Felix asked.

"When they figure out a way for the man to give birth," Bonnie replied.

"So... surrogate?" he asked.

"I can accept that," she agreed.

"Not me," Monique said. "I'm old fashioned."

"It would probably help me recover from burnout," Kim admitted, "plus seeing Ron and Tara's kids would make me crave my own."

Zita joined the group, sliding in next to her boyfriend Felix. "What did I miss?"

"Kim has agreed to be a surrogate mother for me and Bonnie to help deal with emotional burnout from being an overachiever," Felix explained.

"That would probably do it," Zita agreed. "How did we get on this topic?"

"Ron asked me if we were in a Titanic situation if I would let him on the door," Kim explained.

"She'd have to," Zita said.

"What? Why?" Kim asked. "And remember women still didn't have the right to vote back then."

"Yeah, but you're forgetting one very important fact," she said.

"What?"

"Ron wouldn't be wearing any pants," Zita pointed out.

"Ohh," the group chorused.

"Yeah, you'd have to switch with him," Monique agreed.

"It would be too cruel," Bonnie admitted.

 ***Ring***

"And that's the bell," Zita said with a sigh. "Next time I'm not dealing with yearbook class until after school."

 **Typing By: lostbetweenhereandthere**

 **AN: Been sick the last five days and for some reason, my fevered brain came up with this!**


	7. Monkeying with Fate

**Monkeying with Fate**

Ron opened his eyes, he was lying on a really comfortable bed in a room with a serious amount of orange on the walls. His last memory was of facing down Monkey Fist and Yono, to save the world, but more importantly to save his little sister. A sacrifice had been needed and he'd made it.

He stretched and put his hands behind his head. It had been a good life and he had no regrets. Well, except the fact that he'd never gotten close enough to someone to make love. He'd had a number of gorgeous intelligent women in his life and he'd never gotten more than a kiss!

He closed his eyes, meditated the way Master Sensei had taught him and the world lit up around him. There was magic everywhere he looked. As his aura reached out to touch the walls he could feel the magic, young and eager like a puppy.

It was quite different from his last life where all the magic he found was old and dignified, like an elder statesman or possibly a duck.

Ron's eyes snapped open as he felt the magic within himself, a spark of creation with no direction. He paused and examined that thought. It had no direction, but it did have a nature or maybe just a slight inclination to home and family, love and fertility.

He smiled at that. It looked like this life would definitely have what he'd missed in the last one.

And finally, he turned his attention to his memories of this life, which he'd unconsciously avoided. The silvery mass of thoughts and memories was small, much smaller than he'd expected in fact, his memories of nearly twenty years of life as Ron Stoppable dwarfed the tiny silver ball.

With a mental shrug he swallowed it and experienced the life of Ron Weasley.

It became immediately apparent why it had been so small, Ron Weasley had not been a deep thinker and he was only eleven fricken years old!

"I'm not going to get laid for like half a decade," Ron groaned as he got up.

He examined himself in the mirror on his bedroom door. "Puberty better be kind to me or I'm going to register a complaint."

"It's done alright by Charlie and Bill," his reflection replied, "so it looks like as long as you get a lot of physical exercise and don't sit around like a lump, you'll be fine."

"Good point," Ron said, deciding he'd have to train like he had at Yamanouchi. Well, eventually. To be fair his body was in no way ready for what he'd gone through in his last life and wouldn't be for years.

Looking out the window he realized he was up hours before everyone else, so he got out his school trunk, an old battered one that Bill had passed down to him.

Recalling Bill's interest in Runes long before he'd gone into ward breaking, Ron took a second look at his trunk. Bill had said he'd reinforced its structure and stability so he didn't have to worry about breaking it or anything inside spilling while moving it around, but that seemed a bit tame for someone who went into a rune intensive field like ward breaking.

Emptying the trunk he searched it, running his hands along all the surfaces on it to search for hidden runes.

He found runes aplenty, not that it did him any good, as he realized he didn't know anything about runes, so he couldn't figure out what each of them did, but he found that knocking on the back panel of the trunk gave off a hollow sound that you didn't get knocking on the outside.

An exhaustive search located two identical knotholes, one on either bottom corner. Putting his index finger on both he pushed them and the panel swung loosely like it was on a hinge.

Ron checked to make sure he hadn't broken anything, but the other side was fine, he'd discovered an expanded space inside his trunk!

Climbing inside he pushed it open revealing… a lot of empty bottles and trash.

"You've got to be kidding me," Ron groaned.

With a sigh he climbed out of his trunk and went down to the kitchen to get some trash bags. It looked like he had some cleaning to do.

It took Ron well over an hour and four trips downstairs with full bags to clean out all the trash. He had no idea how much Bill drank while in school, but he was pretty sure it wasn't nearly enough to explain this amount of empty liquor bottles.

The top layer had been mostly butter beer with a few fire whiskeys for variety along with a lot of candy wrappers, broken quills, and crumpled up parchment, some of which were attempts at love letters.

He set the parchment aside to go through later. A little blackmail material on his older brother could come in handy the next time he visited.

The deeper he'd gotten the older the bottles had been. He'd ended up putting a couple dozen of the oldest ones in his closet as they looked like they were worth some money.

There were a stack of books and magazines scattered among the trash. None of the books were for the classes he was taking and the magazines definitely weren't, but he decided to keep them anyway, leaving them in the corner of the now empty compartment which turned out to be a five foot square cube.

A load of gold, or the secrets of magic would have been great, but he supposed a stack of porn and some extra space wasn't bad either.

He used some of the extra space to take along things he wasn't sure he'd need before closing the compartment and repacking his trunk, discovering he'd forgotten a number of things when he'd packed it last night.

He collapsed on his bed with a sigh.

 ***Knock*Knock***

"Time to get up," Molly said cheerfully as she peeked her head in his room and was pleasantly surprised to find Ron already awake and his trunk apparently packed as nothing was laying out. In fact, much to her shock, his room appeared to be clean.

"Dibs on the shower," Ron said, getting up. He smiled, memories of absent parents and weeks spent alone in an empty house washed away by loving and chaotic ones.

"Breakfast will be ready when you're done," Molly promised.

That put a spring in his step and Ron hurried to wash up, his stomach demanding a sacrifice.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Molly raised an eyebrow as Ron was clean and dressed in a lot less time than expected and had started setting the table without being asked. She made him a plate to tide him over while she finished up.

"Thanks, Mum." Ron beamed. This is what he'd wanted in his last life and had almost found with his best friend's family.

His father came down next. "Ready for Hogwarts?" he asked Ron, before receiving a kiss and the morning paper form his wife.

"Everything but the sorting, which the twins have told me horror stories about," Ron replied.

"The sorting is nothing to be worried about," Molly assured him, "it's simply tradition that you don't know about it in advance. It's more fun that way."

"So, it's not painful or dangerous and you can't be flunked out before classes even start?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Those boys," Molly said shaking her head.

"It's none of those thing," Arthur assured him, "and that's all we'll say on the matter."

"That's fine," Ron said relieved.

Percy came down a few minutes later followed by Ginny and then the twins and Ron soaked in the chaos and banter with a grin.

 **0o00o0o0o0o0o00o0**

"I wanna go too," Ginny complained as they got ready to depart and were standing by the car.

"Next year you will," Ron assured her. He didn't like the memories he had of how he'd treated her before, as half of them had him treating her like a pest as he got older and didn't want to be treated like a child or be seen doing girly things.

Ginny looked surprised that he was being so nice and he knew he deserved it, which made it hurt that much more.

"But what if I don't get my letter?" she asked worriedly.

Ron pulled out his wand. It was old and bound with spellotape, but it worked. "Lumos," he said, causing it to light up before passing it to her.

Ginny held the wand and look at him confused.

"Go ahead, say it," he encouraged her.

She took a deep breath. "Lumos," she incanted intently, and the tip flickered and lit up, but it wasn't nearly as bright as her smile.

"I'll definitely be seeing you in school next September," Ron told her, before she nearly tackled him in a hug.

Ron hugged her back, eyes a little damp, it was good to have family!

Getting to the train station turned out to be more difficult than expected as they kept having to go back for things up to and including one of the twins who'd been overlooked in the rush. Ron and Ginny relaxed through it all, sitting in the corner of the backseat in the magically expanded car and talked. Ginny looked a thousand times more relaxed now that she no longer had to worry if she was a squib or not.

Molly helped some orphan kid get through the wall to reach the platform while he talked with Ginny and she made him promise to write.

"Every day," Ginny said.

"Every week," Ron corrected. "Every day would feel like a chore and be really boring, but every week should have enough stuff to write about to give you a decent letter."

"Ok," she agreed after a few seconds of thought.

"You're up Ron," Arthur said, smiling proudly at how his youngest son had cheered his little sister up.

Ginny gave him one last hug before he ran through the barrier and onto the platform.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Mind if I join you?" Ron asked. "The other compartments are either full, have people I wouldn't get along with in them, or are further away requiring me to drag my trunk even further, and my arm already feels like it's about to fall off."

The boy laughed. "Sure, come on in."

"Ron Weasley," Ron introduced himself.

"Harry Potter," the boy replied.

"Are you having me on?" Ron asked surprised.

"No, see?" Harry moved his hair aside to reveal a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead.

"Oh, well sorry for being surprised but it's kinda like running into… Freddie Mercury on a bus," Ron said, picking a famous muggle singer from Britain.

"I suppose it would be a surprise," Harry agreed.

"Just so you know, a lot of people are going to ask you loads of stupid questions," Ron warned him.

"Yeah, I'm kinda dreading that," Harry admitted.

"And I am one of those people," Ron said. "So, let's begin."

"Wait, what?"

"Does your scar do anything?" Ron asked with a grin.

"It hurts occasionally. What could a scar actually do?" Harry asked confused, as the train started moving.

"In the wizarding world? Who knows?" Ron replied. "Magic is awesome and confusing." He stuck his head out the window and waved at Ginny and his parents.

"Can I ask some questions?" Harry asked as Ron closed the window and sat down.

"Sure, I'll answer even stupid questions, since I ask enough of them," Ron replied.

Harry laughed. "I've only seen a little of the magic world, what's it all like?"

"That's a tough one," Ron said. "Let's see… It's pretty much like everywhere else in some ways. I mean you have good people and bad, rich and poor. From what I've seen of the muggle world, the magical world is something like the middle ages. See magical people live longer, so we change slower as the older generation holds on to the reins of power and stays in political seats for centuries. Magic makes so much easy that a lot of things haven't needed to change." Ron gestured to the lamps in the car. "No need for light bulbs that have to be replaced because magic keeps them lit."

Harry nodded slowly.

"I'm probably making a mess of this," Ron said, "but that's because I've never really thought about it. Ok, let me put it this way. We still have duels, political marriages still happen, and the papers can print all sorts of lies."

"That's awful," Harry said.

"Yeah, that's the downside," Ron agreed. "The upside is living a couple of centuries and a load of awesome things you can't even imagine right now. Magic is…"

"Great but terrible?" Harry guessed.

"It can be great, it can be terrible," Ron agreed. "It's like… life turned up to eleven, everything is magnified. Muggles wonder if they'll ever meet intelligent non-human species, we have tons of them. Muggles have all these stories about people with special powers saving the day, but every single witch and wizard has them beat."

"Teleport?"

"Apparation is what we call it. You have to be sixteen and get licensed," Ron explained.

"Flying?"

"On specially made brooms and carpets," Ron said.

"Super strong?"

"Re'ems blood, which is restricted," Ron replied.

"Breathing underwater?" Harry asked, recalling Aquaman.

"Bubble head charm," Ron replied. "It also helps when someone drops a dung bomb or messes up a potion."

"Wow, that's a lot," Harry admitted.

"That's just scratching the surface," Ron assured him. "Life is what you make it and magic makes that more than a saying. Decide what kind of world you want and if you've got the balls you can create it."

"Ok, you've sold me," Harry said, "Magic is awesome!"

"Yeah, it's only terrible when people like -" Ron began.

The compartment door slid open with a bang interrupting him and revealing three young boys, one a thin blond boy and two larger dark haired ones behind him.

"I heard Harry Potter was on the train," the blond said stepping into the compartment uninvited, "are you him?"

"I am," Harry agreed standing up, "and this is -"

"Shabby clothes, red hair, more kids than money," blondie interrupted rudely with a sneer, "obviously a Weasley."

Ron grinned and waved, completely unaffected.

"Well I'm Draco Malfoy," the blond boy introduced himself, a bit off balance by Ron's cheerful response, "and I can introduce you to all the 'right' people." He offered his hand.

Not liking the way Draco had insulted his new friend Harry ignored the hand. "I think I can decide the right people for myself, thanks."

Draco began to turn red when Ron spoke up. "Malfoy, Harry has not been trained in the social niceties. Harry, even if you dislike his politics you still shake his hand, because not shaking his hand is like spitting on him. Unless you suspect someone is trying to trick you or you plan on killing them, always shake their hand."

Both boys looked surprised at that and Ron wondered if it was different in the magical world than it was in his first life. Global Justice had made him sit through a lot of lectures, sometimes twice!

Harry quickly shook Draco's Hand. "I doubt we'll be friends, but I don't have anything against you."

"Likewise," a confused Draco replied before retreating.

As the door closed Harry turned to Ron. "Thanks for that, I almost made an enemy for life."

"He's probably still going to end up your enemy, you just don't have to make it personal," Ron said. "See, we got the Dark families who vote to try and make it so anyone who isn't pureblood is a second class citizen, if they are allowed to exist at all, and then we have the Light families who try not to judge people solely by blood purity. Guess which side Draco's family is part of?"

"The Dark families," Harry said.

"Exactly," Ron said. "It's all a lot more complicated of course, but I refuse to learn anything more about it, I hate politics."

"So, people are going to look down on me because my mum was muggleborn?" Harry asked nervously.

"Harry, there are people who will look down on you for the color of your hair or because you aren't kissing their arse, some people just suck," Ron said. "Of course that makes it easy to tell who is not worth your time."

"Everything good and bad about the world turned up to eleven," Harry said as he sat down.

"Exactly," Ron said cheerfully.

"Know anything about the sorting?" Harry asked hopefully.

"It's not painful, difficult, and you can't screw it up," Ron replied. "Also, they think it's fun to keep it a secret."

"That's a relief," Harry said. "So, which house do you think you'll be going to?"

"Gryffindor," Ron replied.

"How do you know?"

"Because all my family goes to Gryffindor," Ron replied. "See, Slytherin is for the ambitious, so you get all the Dark families or at least ninety percent of them. I suppose they might have one or two decent people. Malfoy is definitely going to end up there."

"Doesn't sound like some place I'd like," Harry said.

"Ravenclaw is for the bookworms," Ron said, "it's like fifty fifty Dark as knowledge is power."

"I'm not a bookworm, but I do want to learn all the magic I can," Harry admitted.

"Same here," Ron agreed. "Hufflepuff is like eighty twenty Light as it's about hard work and loyalty… think sheep."

"Doesn't sound like I'd like that either," Harry said.

"And finally, Gryffindor is the house of the brave and is ninety five percent Light," Ron explained. "My family always goes into Gryffindor."

"I hope I get that house," Harry said.

"So do I," Ron said. "If I get Slytherin I think I'd withdraw and ask to be homeschooled, though I guess Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are alright."

The door slid open and there was a lady with a trolley there. "Do either of you children want anything off the cart?"

"Want? Yeah," Ron admitted. "Afford? Nope."

"I'll take a couple of everything," Harry said as he saw his first chance to buy wizarding candy.

After the trolley had left Harry saw Ron glance at the pile of sweets and offered him some.

"Only if you'll accept a roast beef sandwich," Ron said pulling out his lunch and offering half to him.

"That sounds great," Harry said, his stomach growling at the sight of real food.

Once they'd finished the sandwiches and had started in on the candy Harry asked, "So why do so many people follow this blood purity nonsense?"

"Because it lets them feel special and there's something to it, just not a lot in most cases," Ron replied.

"So pure bloods are better than muggleborn?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"Nope, not even a little," Ron assured him, "but pureblood lines can carry magical traits that muggleborns don't get. Like I said, it's not all that important in most cases."

"Like what?" Harry asked.

"Metamorphs are one of the big ones, but that only allows you to change how you look at will and we have potions and spells for that," Ron explained. "Like I said it's really not a big deal, but they like to claim it is."

"Good, I'd hate to find out they were right," Harry said.

"Bigots rarely are," Ron assured him.

"Has either of you seen a toad?" a bushy haired girl with buck teeth asked, making them wonder how long she'd been standing there.

"Nope," Harry replied while Ron just shook his head.

She stepped back outside, sliding the door closed.

"Quiet little cat feet," Ron suggested with a shrug.

"Or we were just too distracted talking to notice," Harry said.

"Mine's funnier," Ron replied with a grin.

Harry rolled his eyes and grinned.

"Wanna break out the books and see what superpowers we can gain before we get there?" Ron asked.

Harry grinned. "Sounds like fun."

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5 (for the first time ever, I think I deciphered everything correctly)**

 **AN: Ginnymylove left a review wanting to replace Ron Weasley with Ron Stoppable so here it is.**

 **TN: Well this was an interesting one, and makes me wonder who other people from the KPverse would be reincarnated as in the HPverse. Drakken as Snape, would probably dramatically improve the quality of the class (bonus points for listening to monologues without falling asleep), DN Amy as Hagrid, gender swapped or not. Rufus as Dobby? For crackyness Shego as Hermione; "Ronald Bilius Weasley, I said this is your study schedule, you will follow it, or we'll play 'Ron goes ouch' understand?" Ron sits on a couch in the Gryffindor common room with a quidditch magazine staring in horror, as Hermione's hand glows a green far more terrifying than even the dreaded killing curse, watching as his last chocolate frog slowly burns away.**


	8. Going Solo

**Going Solo**

"Telekinesis?" Xander asked Willow intently. "The first witchy power is telekinesis?"

"Yeah, why?" she replied before realizing where he was going with this. "No, Xander, just no!"

"What are you two arguing over?" Buffy asked as she saw Xander smiling evilly while Willow looked annoyed.

"Willow just introduced me to a brand new hobby," Xander explained.

"Magic is not a toy," Willow said. "Miss Calendar made me promise to take it seriously and approach each spell cautiously."

"And I'm not planning on casting a single spell," Xander assured her.

Willow groaned. "There is something deeply disturbing about how obsessed you are with Star Wars."

"What am I missing?" Buffy asked.

"Studying magic gives you telekinesis," Xander replied. "Think about it, you drop a stake while fighting a vamp and ***BOOM*** you can call it back to your hand."

"That would be handy," Buffy agreed.

"You can't learn magic just to do that," Willow complained. "That's like learning auto mechanics to listen to the radio!"

"I like music," Xander said cheerfully.

"Music is good," Buffy agreed.

"Magic is about so much more than just moving stuff around without touching it though," Willow explained.

"Yeah, and that stuff is dangerous and requires a high diet of moral fiber," Xander said, "That's why I am only interested in the introductory course where you learn party tricks that in no way endangers your soul."

"I can't believe you are seriously going to limit yourself that way," Willow said, shaking her head.

"But I am," Xander assured her.

"I mean I can't believe you are crazy enough to limit yourself that way, not that I can't believe you would," she explained.

"Ow," Buffy said, following that train of thought.

"Do you think I should get into magic and spellcasting?" Xander asked Willow.

"Not really," she admitted, "You'd be a really poor fit for it."

Xander nodded. "Exactly, Magic is a poor fit, but the telekinesis I can do."

"Fine," Willow said with a put upon sigh, "but I really doubt you'll get anywhere with it as it takes a lot of patience and meditation."

"Excitement, adventure… a Jedi seeks not these things," Xander said grandly, making Buffy laugh and Willow drop her head to the table with a thunk.

 **One Month Later**

Giles stepped out of his office and saw Xander and Buffy had set up a chess set on one end of the table and were playing a game.

To his surprise, neither one touched the board and the pieces appeared to be moving on their own.

"Before I go spritzing everyone with holy water and calling for priests, might I find out what is going on?" Giles asked dryly.

"Ha, you owe me five bucks," Xander told Buffy. "I told you he'd stay calm and threaten us with something horrific."

"Fine," Buffy conceded with a sigh. "I thought he'd at least raise his voice."

Xander accepted the five with a grin. "Remember how Willow started learning magic a couple of months ago?"

"Yes… are you two studying magic as well?!" Giles shook his head. "You really should have said something. Learning magic, much less learning magic on the Hellmouth, requires a number of precautions."

"We aren't learning magic," Xander said firmly.

"Pardon?" Giles asked.

"All we were interested in was the first exercise," Buffy explained, "none of the complicated corrupting stuff."

"That… that's… I don't know what that is," Giles said, cleaning his glasses. "It's rather like getting a license as a doctor to trim your toenails."

"You and Willow shop at the same store for your trains of thought," Buffy said, shaking her head.

"We aren't going into practice," Xander said, "so it's more like learning CPR to change the channel on the TV without the remote."

"I see," Giles said thoughtfully. "I did notice the pair of you seemed more calm and centered lately, I simply misconstrued the reason."

"Also makes it easier to pass notes in class," Buffy said.

"In class? What if someone sees you?"

"I tell them I used fishing line," Buffy replied. "What? Do you think they are going to argue that it wasn't a trick and I have actual magical powers?"

"I hadn't thought of that," Giles admitted. "I can see how that would work. Still, do be careful, please."

"We are," Buffy promised, "besides, we have to be calm and spend like five minutes thinking about our belly button before we can actually move anything."

Giles considered correcting her about what finding your center and navel gazing actually meant but decided not to bother, after all, it seemed to work for them and that ultimately was all that mattered.

"Of course if nothing exciting is going on it's kinda easy to stay in the right mindset," Xander said, turning back to the board and making all the pieces move back into place.

"Excellent progress, though I suppose concentrating on just the one exercise does have that benefit," Giles said thoughtfully.

"Like knowing who has touched something last," Buffy said.

"You've developed psychometry?" Giles asked, surprised.

"Psycho- what?" Buffy asked.

"You are able to read the history of an item by touching it," Giles explained.

"Oh that, yeah," Buffy replied.

"It's a rare and useful talent," Giles explained.

"It also lets me know if anyone has messed with my stuff," Buffy said. "I have avoided two pranks and one perv."

"A very practical gift," Xander said.

"No cheating," Buffy said with a glare as one of his defeated chess pieces was sneaking along the side of the board.

"If you don't catch it…" Xander began with a grin.

"Then it's not cheating," Buffy agreed, "but I caught it, so back!"

"I'm surprised you both have the patience for that sort of thing, neither of you has struck me as the meditative type," Giles admitted.

"If we fail to meditate we get a nice nap, win-win," Buffy said.

"That I could see," Giles admitted.

"Have you guys picked your Halloween costumes yet?" Willow asked as she entered the library.

"No, there's a new place that's opened up on Main," Buffy replied. "I want to see what they've got before I make a decision."

"I'm thinking Jedi," Xander replied with a grin.

"Yes, but which one?" Willow asked.

"They all kinda look alike," Xander admitted, "or at least the costumes do unless you go for non-human, which requires a lot more work."

"So… non-specific Jedi?" Buffy guessed.

"Jedi Master Xander it is," he agreed.

"Checkmate!" Buffy said with a grin.

"What?" Xander turned back to the board and saw that Buffy had moved the pieces while he was distracted. "Curse your sneaky Slayer ways!" he said melodramatically.

Willow rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you two are still doing that. I mean, you sleep more than you practice."

"And what a shame that is," Xander said with a grin.

"Our grades have actually improved," Buffy pointed out. "So I'd say nap time is a good idea."

"We should bring milk and cookies next time," Xander said.

"Ohh!" Buffy said. "Chocolate chip?"

"Of course!"

Willow dropped her head to the table making the two laugh.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Something damn manly," Xander said, grabbing the front of Larry's shirt.

Seeing Xander about to get flattened by the much larger football player, Buffy quickly pushed in between them to protect her friend, but almost stumbled as she felt Xander's outrage as she touched him. It took all of half a second for her to realize the faux pas she was making and came up with an excuse.

"You can't hurt him," Buffy said urgently to Xander, making sure she was loud enough to be overheard. "Remember what you did to the guy who tried to grab Willow last weekend?"

"That was his own fault," Xander said with a wince, remembering the wet snap of bone as it had torn through flesh when the vamp had gotten bodychecked by Xander with its leg half way in a storm drain.

"You crippled him," Buffy said with a glare making Xander shrink back.

Larry began to get nervous as he saw the two weren't acting, Harris had actually crippled someone. Of course the fact that they had apparently tried to assault Rosenberg just made it that much more believable.

"Promise me you aren't going to hurt one of the students," Buffy said, "I know you rarely lose your temper, but I don't need one of my best friends getting kicked out of school for maiming someone."

"Buffy, it was an accident," Xander said, almost whining.

"And his friend's arm?" Buffy asked.

"Was completely deserved," Xander said, glaring back. "You do not touch a girl that way against her will."

"I understand and I agree," Buffy quickly said, "but once again you crippled him."

"I'm not apologizing for that one, I did it on purpose and I'd do it again in a heartbeat," Xander said.

"Agreed," Buffy said. "Now, does Larry deserve any of that?"

"What? No!" Xander said, horrified.

"And can you guarantee you won't accidentally cripple him?" Buffy asked.

"Almost certainly," Xander said firmly.

"That's not a yes," Buffy said. "Now, since he doesn't deserve it, how about you both say sorry and shake hands?"

Xander sighed and his shoulders slumped. He offered a hand to Larry. "Sorry, but I really wasn't planning on anything like that, I was only a little mad at you."

Larry swallowed and shook his hand. "Yeah, and that was probably my fault."

"It happens," Xander said, waving it off. "We cool?"

"Yeah, we're cool," Larry said, turning and leaving.

"Sorry about that, but let's face it, neither of us should be fighting civvies," Buffy said, happy to have avoided making things worse for her friend.

"I know," Xander admitted. "You know I wouldn't cripple him. Right, Buff?"

"I know you wouldn't intentionally," Buffy said. "Just… no fighting in school, ok?"

"Alright," Xander agreed with a heavy sigh and a bit confused as to how it had come to this.

Buffy kept her amusement to herself, already knowing how the gossip mill was going to spin this. She decided it might be a good idea to have Giles train Xander a little.

"Ready to go get our costumes?" Willow asked as she approached, wondering what all the whispering in the hall was about.

"I believe we are," Buffy said, eyes dancing with mischief.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"They have Darth Vader," Buffy pointed out.

"They have Han Solo," Xander replied.

"Harrison Ford is cool," Buffy admitted. "I could do a decent Han Solo."

"We could all dress as Harrison Ford characters," Xander said. "Dibs on Indiana Jones!"

Willow laughed. "They really only have costumes of the two unless you want us to double up on them."

"The Han Solo Trio!" Xander said with a grin.

"That sounds so wrong… let's do it," Buffy said.

"The Lone Rangers," Willow said before bursting out laughing.

"The Lone Rangers?" Buffy asked, wondering why that sounded so familiar.

"Those three guys who took over a radio station in LA last year," Xander said. "Their music is actually pretty good, but they are completely nuts."

"Too bad they don't have costumes for them," Buffy said as she recalled listening to them and laughing.

"The Three Solos it is then," Xander said. "To the counter!"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Han Solo?" Joyce asked, surprised.

"What? Did someone else steal my idea?" Xander asked, pretending to be shocked as Joyce let him in.

Buffy came down the stairs having heard Xander. "You too? One of us is going to have to change."

Willow followed her down the stairs also in an identical outfit. "I could go as a ghost," she offered.

"It looks good on you," Xander assured Willow making her beam.

"You all three decided to dress as Han Solo?" Joyce asked with a grin.

"It's a nice, simple, and recognizable outfit that Snyder can't complain about and the kids will love," Buffy said.

"The Three Solos," Xander said grandly. "All for one, and one for all!"

"Hear, hear!" Willow and Buffy chorused, holding up their blasters.

Joyce laughed.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Han Solo drew his blaster and spun around trying to see everything at once. It was pure chaos wherever he was and he didn't remember getting drunk enough to black out, so what was going on?

A couple of blaster shots at the ground scared off some of the more hostile wildlife as he tried to find something familiar.

He quickly gave up on that and instead followed that little buzz of intuition that he knew was a latent Force ability to somewhere he would find comfortable…

 **Half an hour later…**

"The Farm Boy is a good kid," Solo said before taking a drink.

"The Princess deserves someone like him," the red headed Solo agreed.

"Now, don't start counting us out yet," the blonde Solo disagreed. "I say we give him a shot, maybe even help him out, but if it doesn't work…"

"Then we make our move," the dark haired Solo agreed.

Spike grinned as he spotted the Slayer. Dru had said she'd be weak tonight. Of course she also said she'd be all alone, but the other two were simple humans, so it was all good. He tossed his duster to the side. "Slayer!" he called out with a leer.

 ***ZAP***

Three simultaneous blaster bolts skewered the master Vamp, reducing him to ash.

The three continued their conversation unconcerned while Willy swept up the mess.

"Ok, that's our love life settled, what else we got?" the blonde Solo asked.

"A bit much to drink," the dark haired Solo said, tossing some credits on the table and discovering he had an unfamiliar wallet on himself. "I think this is me," he said. "Not sure where the address is."

"Can't be that hard to find," the blonde Solo said with a shrug.

"It is when I can't read the language," the dark haired Solo said with a smirk.

The red haired Solo pointed at a nervous looking alien. "You! Yeah, you. Tell us how to get to this address."

The Brachen slowly approached. "That's half way across town."

"Give em a ride and I'll cover half your tab," the bartender said urgently.

"Yeah?" the demon asked, perking up before turning back to the three trigger happy humans. "Take me less than ten minutes to drive you there."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Three teens woke up at the same time with the same hangover in the same bed under the same blanket.

"No yelling," the three whispered in chorus.

There were three identical stunned silences.

"I… hope we aren't going to do that a lot," Willow said slowly.

"Agreed, too wigsome," Buffy whispered.

"Anyone got to go anywhere?" Xander asked.

"Mom's in LA for a couple more days," Buffy said.

"Convention in Fresno," Willow said, telling them where her parents were now.

"I think mine are in Vegas," Xander offered.

"Sleep more?" Willow asked hopefully.

"Yes, sleep more," Xander agreed.

"Agreed, night," Buffy said.

"Night," the two chorused back.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Giles let out a sigh of relief as the three teens entered the library looking none the worse for wear though a touch ragged around the edges. "Thank heavens you are all alright, I checked all your houses but no one was in residence."

"We were at Xander's," Buffy said, "passed out."

"Passed out?" Giles asked.

"Everyone turned into their costumes and Han Solo decided to go drinking and sort out his emotional problems," Xander explained.

"And we were all dressed as Han," Willow explained.

"So you were affected by the spell," Giles said. "Makes me wish I had hit Ethan harder."

"Ethan?" Buffy asked as all three looked to Giles.

"Yes, Ethan Rayne, a chaos mage," Giles explained. "He cast a spell to turn everyone into their costumes."

"That would explain things," Willow said. "Of course we'd all figured out the 'become our costumes' bit when we woke up, but then there was the hangover so we went back to sleep."

"Thank god for Slayer healing," Buffy said.

"And Harris' constitution," Xander added.

As everyone looked to Willow she simply shrugged. "No idea, I just feel better now."

"I know how to fix and maintain futuristic high-tech stuff with no knowledge of how to build it," Xander said thoughtfully. "It's kinda like being a TV repairman in the fifth century."

"Yeah, but there was a lot of math involved, so there's that," Buffy said.

"Yes, math is no longer a problem," Xander agreed cheerfully.

"Lots of knowledge, not a lot of it useful," Buffy said with a shrug.

"I think we should be grateful we came through it mostly unchanged," Xander said.

"Amen," Buffy agreed.

 **That Weekend**

"I broke it off with Angel," Buffy announced as she entered the library.

Willow and Xander had been squeezed together in a single seat, working on something, but they'd both sat up when Buffy entered.

"Why?" Willow asked, unsure if she should be comforting Buffy or plotting revenge on the souled vamp.

"When I touch things I get… emotions and impressions," Buffy explained. "It used to be just when I meditated and concentrated, but it's all the time now."

"And touching Angel made it impossible to pretend Angelus wasn't there," Xander said.

"Bingo," Buffy said. "Plus… that man needs some serious therapy."

"Pardon?" Giles asked, not wanting to interrupt, but needing to know if he was a threat.

"When I'm wearing a low cut shirt and tight jeans, no man should be moping about how the world is passing them by and clothing styles are changing," Buffy said.

"Poor Buffy," Xander said, holding out his arms for a hug.

"Yes, poor Buffy," Buffy agreed as Xander and Willow hugged her. After a minute she let loose and took her own seat. "At least you two get it."

"So, your talents have gotten stronger?" Giles asked.

"Easier to use as well," Buffy said, levitating a donut to her.

"I hadn't checked," Xander admitted as a donut floated to him. "Yeah, way easy."

"We are still going to keep up our daily meditations," Buffy said firmly.

"I'll bring the cookies," Willow promised.

Giles rolled his eyes but smiled. "What would you attribute to the boost in your skills?"

The three shrugged in unison.

"Yes, well that was helpful," Giles said dryly.

"Probably Halloween," Willow said. "It's the only thing of note that has happened lately."

"Was Han Solo… Adept?" Giles asked, searching for the right term, as it had been quite some time since he'd seen any of the films.

"I'm pretty sure he had a touch of the Force," Xander said, "mostly latent."

"He had pretty good intuition and danger sense," Buffy offered.

"That may account for it," Giles decided.

"So, what are you two working on that's got you all excited?" Buffy asked, the two girls lightly cuffing the back of Xander's head before he could say anything.

Xander looked smug at that response rather than annoyed.

"Pricing ships," Willow said.

"Ships?" Buffy perked up and scooted closer to the two.

"We figured we'd start out small," Willow explained, "something large enough to carry a bit of cargo or ferry a couple of passengers."

"We could make runs during the weekends up to LA or down to Mexico," Xander said. "There are some interesting opportunities to transport patients from hospitals in Mexico up to LA."

"Mostly American tourists who don't trust foreign doctors, but the money is good," Willow said.

"Tell me more," Buffy said as the three squeezed together so tightly they were practically on the same seat.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: "I can't believe you are seriously going to limit yourself that way," Willow said, shaking her head.**

 ***record scratch* … Must… resist… urge… to throttle… neck… ARGH! I know it's in character I know it's in character I know it's in character I know it's in character… *repeats mantra several times before calming down* Willow, honey, if you were a scientist talking about science and you said that, do you know that would make you? AN IMMORAL SCIENTIST! Just because part of something is of the good doesn't mean ALL OF IT IS! Xander LITERALLY JUST SAID that you could risk your freaking SOUL with the more 'advanced' stuff! Now call me crazy, but that sounds BAD. Like EVIL bad! So like, why don't you do a bit more research and stick to the stuff that's neutral and good that won't threaten to destroy your soul, morals, or sanity? Hmmmm!? *deep breaths* Zen…. Ooooooommmmmmmmm…. OK. Back to writing.**


	9. Morty to the Infinite power 3

**Morty to the infinite Power 3**

"I… What?" Summer asked as she stared.

"Turning ghosts into people is complicated," Morty complained.

"But now you're a ghost," Summer said eyes tearing up.

"Hold on!" Morty concentrated and a wave of green and white energy ran over his limbs turning him human again… and dropping him on the floor on his ass. "Ouch!"

Summer hugged him tightly. "Don't scare me like that!"

Morty stood up with her still clinging to him. "Sorry, Sis, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Is your Summer that affectionate?" one of the naked Mortys asked another hopefully.

"No," Morticia admitted, "but we haven't spent a lot of time with her lately."

"Do we have to haunt her or hug her to get closer to her?" the other Morticia asked.

"Just spend some time with her," Summer said, not letting go of Morty. "Find things you can do together."

"Fine, but if we have to fake our deaths and haunt her, we will," one of the Mortys said before turning into a ghost.

"Just make sure you're wearing pants when you do it," Summer suggested, making the four realize they were still naked.

"Let's go home and get dressed," one of the Morticias said, switching the portal to her room. "Bye, thanks for all the help. I don't think we can ever repay you."

"Live good lives, have lots of fun," Morty said as the four entered Morticia's room. He closed the portal and switched the view to an empty world.

"The ghost thing is temporary right, you're really OK?"

"I'm fine and I can switch at will. I don't know if that would let come back from the dead, but it should help protect me from getting killed," he offered rubbing her back.

"Good," Summer said letting go and turning around to rub her eyes.

"You do know I'm not your original brother right?" At Summer's shocked look he quickly added, "Remember when I explained about me and Grandpa replacing the originals after an accident? I mean, you did dig up Rick to get a portal gun."

"Oh," Summer said calming down. "Yes, I remember that, and I wasn't as close to that Morty as I am with you. I know it's horrible to say… but I'm glad you're my brother and we're close because of all the stuff we've gone through together. I wouldn't want another Morty to take your place."

"Thanks, Sis," Morty said turning away to wipe his eyes. "Do you want to help me replace some clones?"

"Sure, what do we do?" she asked.

"We pick a clone or two, in case of twins, and then we download their memories and wake them. I like to let them pick the world they want and then we make the switch," Morty explained. "Really the order isn't important."

"And once we have a load of corpses we dump them in that one world," Summer said with a nod. "OK, how about a world where we are twins?"

"I haven't looked for one, but it is infinity," Morty said typing in the search parameters.

The two stared at the world that had popped up.

"How about one where we didn't die of auto erotic asphyxiation together?" Summer said slowly.

"That is a lot of alcohol bottles," Morty said as he looked at the floor around the bunk bed. "Mom is going to freak."

"Shit, that would destroy her," Summer realized. "OK, I'll get the bodies, you get the clones."

"Put this on," Morty said, handing her a helmet.

"What's this?"

"It copies your memories," Morty explained. "I upload it to the memory matrix and it downloads them to all your clones in one shot."

"Cool," Summer said, putting on the helmet.

 ***DING***

"I'll get the clones now," Morty said, heading off.

Summer stepped through into the bedroom, wincing at the smell of sex and alcohol that completely eclipsed anything else. "Wow," she said shaking her head.

The bedroom door opened and a teary eyed Beth came in and froze. "S-Summer," she stuttered out. "I… what am I seeing? You and your Brother… But you're alive and … older?"

Summer scrambled to find an excuse. "Time Travel!" she blurted out. "I've come from the future to fix this!"

"How can you fix something that's already happened?!" Beth asked completely horrified.

"Time Travel," Summer said firmly. "If we hadn't undone this I couldn't be here now. Don't ask me to explain it Grandpa Rick came up with it."

"B-but Dad's dead!" Beth burst out in tears clutching Summer who held her and rubbed her back.

"What happened?" Summer asked.

"Don't you already know?"

"Me and Morty completely wiped this from our memories so it could never occur again," Summer said. "As far as we're concerned this never happened. Now, how did Grandpa Rick die?"

"I… I don't know, we just found him with his head in a machine and a-ashes where his head had been. We think it had something to do with an ex girlfriend."

Summer nodded. "So not a problem."

A pair of naked fourteen year old clones stepped through the portal.

"Kids?" Beth asked hopefully.

"Mom!" they chorused, before hugging her tightly.

Summer quickly grabbed the corpses and drug them through the portal. "Bro, we need a Rick now!"

"On it," Morty said as she added the bodies to the pile. "Rick who has lost his family and wants to find a world with them."

As soon as Morty hit the button, Summer stuck her head through, "Grandpa Rick!"

"Summer?" he asked, eyes lined with unshed tears as he sat on the edge of a crater.

"Yes, now come on, Mom is drinking herself stupid over your death!"

He followed her into the portal and Morty switched the settings to the last world. "There, one complete family, but lacking a Grandpa Rick."

"Kids?" he asked confused.

Morty smirked. "Ricks are a dime a dozen, but that doesn't mean us Mortys don't appreciate them. Now, go be their Rick."

Rick blinked and then grinned widely and hugged them both tightly. "Chips off the old block," he said before going through the portal.

"-and you are both getting your own rooms," Beth said as they closed it down once more.

"That was both mentally scarring and disturbing while at the same time being kinda uplifting," Summer said.

"Yeah," Morty agreed. "Quick thinking on the time travel bit."

"Thanks," Summer said. "Wanna go make Grandpa Rick take us all out to some cheesy family restaurant and tell them it's his birthday so we can embarrass him?"

Morty grinned. "Yes, yes I do."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday… Rick Sanchez! Happy Birthday to you!" the animatronics sung as the bear in a top hat presented a cake filled with birthday candles.

Rick gave a weak glare at his grandchildren as they grinned evilly back and Beth burst out laughing.

"Happy Birthday, Gramps," Summer said cheerfully. "Blow out the candles."

Rick sighed heavily, but they could see the amusement in his eyes as he took a deep breath and blew on the candles…

 ***BOOM!***

...causing a huge fireball that singed everyone's hair and blackened the top of the cake.

"Kids, never expose your grandfather to open flame," Beth said before bursting out laughing along with Rick.

"Well played old man," Morty said, trying and failing to keep a straight face.

"We really should have seen this coming," Summer admitted.

"Got to get up pretty early ***BURP*** to put one over on me," Rick said smugly and patted his hip flask.

"Cut the cake!" Summer ordered.

The family quickly devoured most of the cake and a large pizza while talking about various things.

Summer elbowed Morty. "Looks like you're got an admirer." She gestured behind him.

"Really?" Morty turned around and saw a yellow bird animatronic wearing a bib staring blankly in their direction.

"Ha ha, very funny," Morty said, rolling his eyes.

"Well she is a cute 'chick'," Summer joked.

Morty shuddered. "I like anthropomorphic species as much as the next guy," he began before summer pointed to the next booth where there was a thin man with his hair up in a man bun sketching a picture of the bear animatronic and drooling slightly.

"OK, not nearly as much as him," Morty said. "I like cat girls and androids and such, but animatronics kinda freak me out."

"I know what you mean," Summer said, "I can take tentacled horrors and wasteland mutants without batting an eye, but I'd probably wet myself if I ran into one of these in the dark."

"Exactly, there is the uncanny valley where something is real close to human and just enough off to make you… twinge and then there is…" his voice trailed off as he tried to figure out how to put it.

"The Himalaya of creepiness where it is so obviously a machine trying to look like it's alive that you can't help but feel it's up to something," Summer said.

"That's it," Morty agreed. "Himalaya of creepiness isn't as good as uncanny valley though, we can probably come up with a better term for it."

"Hidden Horror?"

"No… too blatant, but two words is the way to go," Morty agreed.

"Metallic something," she offered.

"Inorganic disconcerting," Morty countered.

"Too many syllables," she disagreed.

"Relax kids, you can figure it out over the next week," Rick said as he filled out some paperwork and passed it to a human waiter.

"Huh, why?" Morty asked.

"Because it's my birthday and since my grandkids didn't see fit to get their dear old grandad anything I decided to get a present for myself!" Rick said with an evil grin while their mom was laughing so hard tears were coming from her eyes.

"And that is?" Summer asked.

"I got you two part time jobs as security guards at this fine establishment," Rick said. "The job is only a week ***BURP*** or five days so it won't mess with your weekend plans."

"That's not too bad, I guess," Summer said, "walking around the outside of the building and getting paid."

Rick's grin grew wider.

"What?" she asked.

"You two are going to be night security guards and patrol the inside of the building," Rick explained. "Any questions?"

"Why do all your birthday presents end up with someone needing therapy?" Morty asked.

"Because Morty, revenge is always the best present you can give yourself," Rick replied with a smirk and a burp.

"I'm going to remember that for my birthday," Summer warned.

Beth sighed happily. "You don't want to know the things I did growing up to try and get back at dad for one thing or another, none of them worked. They were fun though."

"I was so proud of your science fair experiment when you made that heat seeking bee cannon," Rick said smiling fondly at his daughter.

"I only got first place cause everyone else ended up in the hospital," she waved it off with a smile.

"We are going to be inside here at night, alone with these things," Morty said with a shiver.

"Can we fake our deaths and hide out in Mexico?" Summer asked.

"Not when you say it right in front of them," Morty pointed out.

"Sorry, kinda freaking out here."

"I understand, me too," Morty agreed.

"Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!"

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Maybe it won't be so bad," Morty said trying to be cheerful as the staff locked up and left.

"Are you kidding?" Summer deadpanned. "Look at how nervous the staff are."

Morty caught the keys the manager threw to him before fleeing out the back door. "OK, you may have a point there, plus it's kinda cold." His breath caused a small cloud of mist.

Summer took a deep breath and blew out, but no mist appeared. "Weird."

"Let's go to the office," Morty said, "we're supposed to monitor everything from there and they probably have a handbook or something."

"At least this is a pretty easy job," Summer said, "just sitting around all night."

"Creepy but quiet," Morty agreed. "We can play cards or something."

"Do you have a deck of cards on you?" she asked as they entered the security office and looked around.

"I got caught in a time bubble in the lab, where all I could do was wait for a week," Morty reminded her, "if not for a deck of cards I would have gone insane from boredom."

"How can a deck of cards keep you entertained for a week?" Summer asked. "I mean you can't even play poker since it's only you there and there are only so many games of solitaire anyone can stand."

"I can do card tricks, build houses of cards, throw cards," Morty listed off, "I also invented several new versions of solitaire."

"All in a week?" she asked doubtfully.

"The bubble kept me from getting hungry or thirsty and needing to use the restroom, but it also kept me from sleeping, so I was wide awake for an entire week straight," he explained.

"That's why you slept for three days!" she realized.

"Grandpa Rick said it was only mental stress, but I was really tired," Morty said.

"Hey, this says to push play," Summer said, clicking on a tape player.

"Hello, Hello? Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night…"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: I'm sure absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong over the next 5 nights, I'm sure the animatronics will turn into nice friendly people overnight and spend their time hanging out with Morty and Summer, possibly even some flirting, while the kids try to break the curse that's turning them into animatronics during the day.**

 **AN: Bwahahaha!**


	10. There is nothing wrong with your TV 2

**There's nothing wrong with your Television 2**

 **Part 1: And Now Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 3**

Fonzie stared at the bottle.

Alex grinned. "Open it."

"There is a genie in there," Fonzie said, unsure what to think.

"Specifically, Jeannie," the heavy-set teen agreed.

"And you're entrusting me, Arthur Fonzarelli with… with that much power?" he asked in confusion.

"Someone has to water the clock," Alex replied.

Fonzie blinked and tilted his head like a dog listening for something. "This helps wind the clock on the world?"

"Unless you decide to destroy everything," Alex said amused, "but come on, you aren't a breaker, you're a bearer."

"A bearer?" Fonzie asked curiously.

"A bearer," Alex repeated, "one of those who help support the beam."

"Me? I don't recall doing anything like that, I'm just a grease monkey," Fonzie denied.

Alex laughed. "Fonzie, the weight of the world is born on the back of the population as a whole."

"So, everyone is a bearer?" Fonzie asked, looking relieved at the thought.

"You can't support the world on one person's back," Alex told him, "it's just that some can take more weight than others. The people who carry the most weight I call bearers."

Fonzie took a deep breath and slowly let it out regaining his cool. "I can take some weight," he agreed, "just not the whole world."

Alex nodded. "It's not all on you, a lot of people are watering the clock and it's not the only clock in the world being watered either."

"Alright, that is a massive relief," Fonzie admitted.

"Cunningham is a bearer," Alex said, "and he carries a lot more weight than you."

"Cunningham?" Fonzie asked in disbelief before a look of understanding came on his face. "Yeah, I can see that. Richie helps people and even when he's afraid, he doesn't let it stop him."

"Exactamundo," Alex said. "So, what will you do with a genie?"

"I could make life easier for everyone," Fonzie said with a smile.

"And that would help them bear the weight of the world?" Alex asked.

Fonzie paused. "I've met guys who were given everything to them their entire lives… it did not make them strong," he thought aloud. "But if I'm not supposed to help people, what am I supposed to do?"

"You've almost got it," Alex assured him, "think it through."

"There is a difference between helping people and doing everything for them, people have to pull their own weight or it… damages them," Fonzie said beginning to pace.

"You're getting there," Alex encouraged him.

"I can help those who are given too much weight," Fonzie said, "make a little adjustment here and there like tuning up a car. Lighten the load a little here and encourage someone else to do more, take on a little more weight over there."

"Now you've got it," Alex said with a nod. "I knew you were a good choice."

"I don't know if I'm up to it," Fonzie admitted. "I mean, I'm going to make a lot of mistakes starting out."

"That's part of life," Alex waved it off. "Start off small and try to think long term. Don't worry about making mistakes, worry about fixing them."

"I can do that," Fonzie agreed. "So, what do I do now?"

Alex gestured to the bottle.

Fonzie nodded and picked up the bottle from the coffee table. He took a deep breath and pulled out the cork.

Pink smoke billowed out of the bottle reforming into a blonde haired, blue eyed vision of beauty dressed in a pink and red harem outfit that before now had only really existed in the fantasies of men.

"Master?" she asked as she looked up into Fonzie's eyes, her voice filled with yearning.

"Call me Fonzie," he told her, setting her bottle down.

"Master!" she exclaimed and threw her arms around him.

Fonzie was surprised at her response but his arms reflexively wrapped around her.

"She's spent centuries alone with no love or affection," Alex told him. "I always thought Major Nelson was a dick in how he treated her. I trust you won't have that problem?"

Jeanie turned in Fonzie's arms, content to keep them around her to see who was talking. Her eyes widened as she spotted Control Freak.

"I've never had a problem showing a beautiful lady love and affection," Fonzie assured him, making Jeanie squeal happily.

"Good, then my job here is done," Control Freak said. "I'd suggest your first wish be to speed up time in here, so you have a week or two without interruptions to get to know one another and catch her up on recent events."

"I can do that!" Jeanie said excitedly, crossing her arms and nodding her head, altering the flow of time. She looked up into Fonzie's face seeking approval.

"Very cool," he assured her with a smile as he gave her a squeeze.

Control Freak took out his remote and changed the channel, the screen becoming color. "I'd say treat her well, but you know better how to do that than I do. Remember to listen to her, while she is excessively optimistic, sometimes that is exactly what the situation calls for. Later!"

Control Freak stepped into the screen and the TV shut itself off.

Fonzie looked down at Jeanie. "Now, what is your first wish?"

"Could…" She licked her lips nervously. "Could we cuddle?" she asked.

"Your wish is my command," Fonzie said, snagging her up in a bridal carry.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Control Freak extended a hand letting a blue and red spider land on it. "Bite me," he said poking the spider. He winced as the annoyed arachnid did as requested.

"Why did you do that?!" a mystified Peter Parker asked.

Control freak dumped the spider on Peter's collar.

"Argh!" Peter yelled as the spider bit him too and scurried off. "Why?"

"I'll tell you later," Control Freak promised before stumbling off, his blood feeling like it was on fire.

"Peter!" Someone yelled behind him as the teen collapsed.

Control Freak managed to stumble to a security monitor and hit the favorite button on his remote control before collapsing into the screen.

'Captain America is good, but Spiderman is awesome,' he thought to himself as everything faded to black.

He awoke in a pile of pillows with a yellow and pink blur in front of his face mopping the sweat from his brow. "The fever is breaking, you should be ok. Just rest for now."

As he drifted in and out of consciousness he couldn't help but wonder if he'd hit the wrong button by mistake, as Star Trek would have him in a proper hospital bed not a pile of pillows and blankets.

The voice sang a gentle lullaby as she cleaned him and he slowly woke up.

"Where am I?" Alex asked before realizing exactly where he was.

"You're in my cottage," a small butter yellow pegasus said kindly. "I've been taking care of you while you were sick."

Alex noticed he was naked, which wasn't surprising considering she'd just been giving him a sponge bath, but that was immediately pushed aside by the realization that he had muscles and big ones at that!

"My name's Alex," Control Freak introduced himself and offered a hand, "thank you for caring for me."

"Oh, it's no problem," she said cheerfully touching his hand with a hoof. "My name's Fluttershy. What species are you? The closest I've seen is a monkey, but you don't have a tail and unless you are suffering from some sort of mange, which I have seen no evidence of, you have a lot less fur."

"My species is related to monkey, but way far back," he assured her, "we are closer to apes. Hairless apes is one of the most used names for us by the other apes."

"Ah, that is a nice name," she said with a smile, "very descriptive."

"Thanks," Alex said. "I feel like a million bucks… like a fortune. Can I have my clothes?"

"Ah, Twilight has them," Fluttershy said. "If you're feeling better we can walk over to her place and retrieve them."

Alex considered that for all of half a second. "Umm, my species has a pretty strong nudity taboo."

"Oh," Fluttershy said. "Should I not have removed them then?"

"You're a caregiver, you are exempt from the taboo," Alex explained, "but I can't be naked around people I am not in a close relationship with."

"That's why you're exhibiting sexual arousal, a conditioned response!" she said excitedly.

Alex looked down and then back up at the curious equine. "Actually, that means I have to pee."

"The bathroom is just through that door," Fluttershy said, gesturing to the side of the room.

 **A few minutes later**

"See, all better," Alex said. 'Thank god! For a moment I was worried I was that kind of Brony! In your face Magnolia-fan!'

"But you're still presenting," she noted. "Are you in season?"

"Presenting?" he rolled the question around in his mind before realizing what she meant. "We don't have a season, we can mate year round and our genitals are always out, they don't retract."

"Hence the nudity taboo," she realized.

"Precisely," Alex agreed.

"Is your species sensitive to cold?" Fluttershy asked.

"We are sensitive to nearly everything," Alex replied, "that's why we cover most of our skin."

"Are you amphibious?" she asked eagerly.

"We like to play in the water and sometimes we hunt in it," Alex replied, "but really it come down to personal preference. Hairless apes tend to adapt to any environment we move into."

"What is your diet like?" she asked. "I fed you some vegetable broth while you were sick as it was the softest food I could think of, and you were losing so much weight I had to feed you something!"

"We are omnivores," he explained. "As long as it isn't intelligent we will eat it."

Fluttershy took out a notebook and wrote some things down. "I'd love to talk more about your species, but I really should feed the chickens."

"If you have a sheet or blanket in my size, I can fashion a toga out of it and give you a hand," he offered wanting to stretch his legs.

"Are you sure you'll be OK?" she asked concerned.

"Your clothes were a lot more durable and covering than a simple sheet would be."

"I'll be fine," he assured her, "those clothes were designed for protection in dangerous situations, not just sitting around the house or working in the yard."

"Oh, OK," the little pegasus said, retrieving a sheet from another room.

It took Alex a few minutes to make a functional toga, Fluttershy had to help as she seemed to get the concept better than he did.

"I always thought it was easy to make a toga," Alex said, "but I never did try before."

He helped her feed the animals, of which there were many, and was pleased to find that things he would have struggled with before were easy now.

"That went a lot faster than usual," Fluttershy said brightly. "Is the toga enough of a covering to be seen around strangers in? Because if it is we can retrieve your things now."

"The toga is fine," he assured her.

"What about your hooves?"

"My hooves? My feet," he corrected her. "My feet will be fine."

"You had some fairly hefty covering on them," Fluttershy pointed out.

"In case of harsh terrain," he explained, "cobblestones and grass are fine."

"Alright, let me get my bag," Fluttershy disappeared into her cottage and returned a few seconds later wearing a pair of saddle bags.

They walked down a well-worn path, passing an old pony who was squinting through his glasses as the angry rabbit he'd been watering who was slowly reaching for the hose.

"You mentioned that your species hunted in the water," Fluttershy said, "can you tell me about your species hunting patterns?"

"Sure," Alex agreed, surprised at how inquisitive Fluttershy was. "In the water we often fish using poles, spears, nets or even sometimes just our hands in shallow enough water. Land and air hunting are also something we do. These days we mostly use farms to grow our food, so hunting is rare, but a lot of us like to keep our hand in by fishing if nothing else."

"Twilight did say you appeared to be from a very advanced tool using species," Fluttershy noted.

"Intelligence, tool use, and endurance are our three main traits," Alex agreed. A pony stared at the pair as they reached the outskirts of Ponyville.

"Endurance?" Fluttershy asked.

"Oh yeah," Alex said with a grin. "Hairless apes are famed for our endurance. Before we developed all our tools we hunted by chasing down prey. We aren't the fastest or the strongest and we have almost no natural armor but there was not a creature in existence that we couldn't chase until it died of exhaustion."

"Hold on," Fluttershy stopped and took out her notepad from her bag and made some more notes before putting it away again. "I really envy Unicorns being able to write and walk at the same time," she admitted with a smile.

"We aren't in any rush," Alex assured her. "It's a nice day." A few young ponies followed them at a distance whispering to each other.

"Thank you," Fluttershy said, "and thanks for putting up with all my questions, it's really quite nice of you."

"You took in a strange mammal who was sick and nursed him back to health," Alex pointed out, "this is the least I could do."

"Oh, it was no trouble," she assured him.

"So what else do you want to know about my species?"

"What is your diet like?" she asked.

"Meat heavy and high in sugar and salt," Alex replied. "It's not really healthy for us, but it's cheap and quick. We really should eat more white meat and less red, avoid so much salts and preservatives and increase our vegetable intake, but my species can be pretty lazy at times."

"So, the vegetable broth was OK?" she asked.

"While a meat broth would have been a bit better, it was just about perfect," he assured her. "My kind can subsist almost entirely on vegetables if we eat enough nuts to make up for the lack of meat, at least in the short term."

There was a screech of fright from a pegasus who came around the corner of a building and spotted them before it took to the skies in fright.

The pair ignored it.

"What kind of animals do you harvest meat from beside fish?" she asked.

"All types," he replied. "Where I am from we have unintelligent animals that resemble most all the types you know."

"Are you sure they're unintelligent?" Fluttershy asked. "They could just be a mute variant or not have been taught to talk."

"Our version of chicken have been known to stand in the rain and stare up at the sky until they drown," Alex replied.

"Definitely not intelligent," Fluttershy admitted.

"We have some arguments on the intelligence level of a handful of animals and have moved them off the list," he explained. "Out three main food animals are superficially similar to chickens, cows, and pigs."

"Do you have anything similar to ponies?" Fluttershy asked as they reached a huge tree that had been turned into a library.

"Horses are about three times your size and the colors are limited to white, brown, and black for the most part. We ride them and have a symbiotic relationship with them. They have no horns or wings, most resembling Earth ponies," he said.

The door opened and a purple unicorn was revealed. "Fluttershy and…" she trailed off waiting for an introduction.

"Just a second," Fluttershy said distractedly as she wrote something down.

"Alex," he introduced himself, "and you must be Twilight."

"I am," she agreed, "and it's very nice to meet you. The things you were carrying on you are simply fascinating!"

"Yeah, my people developed physical sciences to compensate for an almost complete lack of magic," Alex replied, trying to see if from the point of view of a pony.

"Really?" she asked excitedly, practically vibrating in place.

"Really, really," he replied, making a pop culture reference even though he knew she wouldn't get it.

"Come inside, you'll have to tell me all about it!"

"As soon as I get dressed," he assured her.

"Everything is on the table," Twilight replied, "except for the candy bar you dropped when you arrived, Spike ate that."

"Candy bar?" Alex asked, biting back a groan as he knew where this was going.

"Some type of chocolate with traces of metal according to Spike," Twilight replied.

"He really shouldn't eat things off the ground, but he's still just a baby," Fluttershy said with a giggle as they entered the Library.

"I wasn't carrying a candy bar," Alex said with a sigh.

"What were you carrying?" Twilight asked.

"My remote control."

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5 (damn new gmail layout, completely missed this chapter for a few days because of the layout and getting multiple emails in a row)**


	11. Morty to the Infinite Power 4

**Morty to the Infinite Power 4**

 **Previous chapters ANYASEMF004, ANYASEMF005, ANYASEMF009**

 **1st Night**

"You're getting soft, old man," Beth teased as they drove home.

Rick laughed, happy to see the playful side of his daughter make an appearance. It had been a long time since he'd seen it, something he laid squarely at Jerry's feet. "Maybe a little, ***BURP*** but the kids could use a little more bonding time."

Beth laughed. "That is evil."

"It'll be like the Thunderdome in there," Rick said, "two children enter, one child leaves!"

"Or they'll learn to get along a little better," Beth said hopefully.

The two adults looked at each other and burst out laughing.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"You are so lucky we aren't playing for money," Summer said with a grin as she laid down her hand.

"You have the luck of a Rick," Morty said ruefully, hitting a button and closing the hallway door in the face of a fox animatronic.

"I don't know how you do that," she said as she reshuffled the cards.

"Neither do I," Morty admitted, "I can just sense them when they're close by."

"And what's with the doors needing power to stay closed? Who designs something like that?!"

"I don't know, but tomorrow night I'm bringing some electromagnets to seal the doors so I don't have to keep hitting the button," Morty said, closing the door in front of the female bird animatronic.

"Told you she had a thing for you," Summer said as the yellow animatronic just stood there and stared at him through the window.

"Not my type," Morty replied as he looked at his cards.

"I don't know…" Summer teased, "I seem to recall one of us having a robo-whore and it wasn't me."

"Really?" Morty asked with a grin.

"Um… yeah," Summer said, confused at his response.

"From the ages of eleven to thirteen all my electronics that used double A batteries kept going dead because someone, and I won't say who, was stealing the batteries and leaving dead one in their place," Morty said.

"That's not the same thing," she said, hiding her face behind her cards.

"Mine was simply more complex and fusion powered," Morty said. "Full House!"

"I'm surprised you didn't drain its batteries," Summer said, "and that you haven't replaced it."

"Fusion core has a lifespan of sixty nine years," Morty said, "and I haven't figured out how to deactivate its pregnancy mode."

"So you do still have it," Summer said smugly. "Wait, didn't Grandpa Rick wipe its baby factory?"

"He removed the alien cells," Morty explained, "but that just caused it to look for another source of female DNA to use."

Summer groaned knowing there was only two sources of female DNA in the house and her room was the closest to his. "We need to get you a girlfriend."

"Hold on," Morty said standing up and looking around.

"What's wrong?"

"I can sense one close by, but not in the hallways," he said confused.

 ***CLANG***

The sound of the vent cover in the back of the room falling to the floor revealed the grinning face of the one-eyed, hook handed, fox animatronic just before it leapt out at them.

"Ahhh!" the pair screamed.

The animatronic reached for them, Morty shoving Summer out of the way so it could only grab one of them.

"Fuck, it's got me!" Morty exclaimed, struggling in its iron grip.

"Let go of my Brother!" Summer roared as she leapt on its back and wrapped her arms around its head.

The blinded animatronic stumbled around until with the sound of tearing metal Summer fell off with its head in her hands, hitting her own head against the side of the desk.

"Summer!" Morty yelled in a panic, green and white energy outlined his form for a second before he ghosted through its grip and kicked the headless animatronic out into the hall.

"Morty?" Summer asked, blinking her eyes and rubbing the back of her head.

"Sis?" he said worriedly hovering in the air in front of her. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah, just hit my head," Summer said. "Aww crap!"

"Crap?" Morty asked before seeing where her gaze was. He spun around and saw the blue bunny animatronic. "You stay away from her!" he yelled trying to cover her body with his own as it lunged forward.

 ***Thud***

The blue animatronic thudded through the pair of them and into the desk.

"OK, I did not expect this," Summer said, standing up with a translucent ooze covering her.

"Sorry," Morty apologized realizing he'd just slimed his sister.

"It's OK, I hear this stuff is great for the skin," she deadpanned.

Morty laughed nervously as the blue animatronic waved a hand through them and then wandered off.

"I think it's time for a smoke break," Summer said turning and walking through the wall like she'd been doing it her entire life with Morty floating after her.

 **8am**

"Time to go back in," Summer said, putting the cards back in their box.

"Give me a second," Morty said closing his eyes and concentrating before flying through his sister.

Summer wiped goo from her eyes. "You could have just ghosted through the door and opened it for me," she pointed out with a sigh.

"Sorry," he apologized before floating through the wall.

"Oh well, at least this is good work experience for if I ever decide to go to work in the Japanese porn industry."

Summer walked through the wall and a few others only to find a confused Morty looking around the empty office.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I can't find the fox's head and his body isn't in the hall," Morty said.

Summer checked the cameras. "He's back on stage, they must have fixed him."

"They aren't designed well enough for that," Morty said with a frown.

"Yeah, they really aren't," Summer agreed wiping ectoplasm from her hair as she thought about it.

"Let's get some sleep," Morty said, "we can research it later."

"Fine, but tonight we're bringing a set of full body animal costumes," she decided.

"You must need sleep worse than I thought," Morty said concerned as he floated over to examine her.

Summer rolled her eyes. "Think, Bro. The animatronics only attack people who aren't dressed up like they are. If we get some mascot outfits they'll ignore us."

"That's brilliant!" Morty said.

"Threats of death and other things does bring it out of me," she agreed modestly while wiping off her arms.

"I was just thinking about sending mutant clones in our places," Morty said, "but your idea is much better, we're a lot less likely to get caught."

"Now the only question is where we get the costumes from," Summer said.

"Portal machine," Morty said as if it was obvious.

"Portal machine?" Summer asked.

"Sure, we just look for a place with a closed down or abandoned amusement park and pick up a couple of free costumes," Morty said.

"That portal machine is so much better than Grandpa's portal gun," Summer said with a grin as she considered the uses they could put it to.

"Yeah, you can see where you are going before you decide to go through it and the console allows you to search for what you want without needing to know the coordinates," Morty agreed.

"But why is the portal machine so much better than the portal gun?" Summer asked. "I mean there has to be a reason grandpa sticks with it."

"We can ask him when we get home," Morty said, "for now let's just clock out and get some breakfast."

"Yeah," Summer agreed. "Um, you might want to resurrect yourself first."

"Resurrect? Oh," Morty said getting what she was talking about. He made sure to put both feet on the ground before becoming human this time.

Seeing Morty was human again Summer stepped forward and wrapped him in a tight hug, practically smothering him in her chest. "I'm so glad you're OK," she said.

Once she'd released him Morty said, "It's OK Sis, you know while I tend to bruise easily I'm kinda hard to break." He wiped goo off his face.

"I know, I just worry," she said giving him another hug.

"Wait a minute," he said suspiciously. "You stood on your tiptoes the first time to mash my face in your… chest. You did all this just to slime me?"

"Bro, I did it because I love you and I was worried about you," she said earnestly, "revenge was a secondary consideration."

"But still a consideration," he said with a grin.

"Well, I am my grandfather's granddaughter, and you did goo me unnecessarily not five minutes ago."

"Yeah, that's fair," Morty admitted. "Let's go get breakfast."

 **After breakfast**

"Grandpa Rick, why does the portal machine work so much better than the portal gun? I mean I know it's bigger, but you can miniaturize anything," Summer said.

"Oh, well that's because of the power source, honey," he said with a proud smile. "And I can't miniaturize that without causing the summoning of tentacled horrors."

"What?" Summer asked.

"I was thinking it was nuclear or something like that, I guess I was way off," Morty admitted.

"Way, way off," Rick agreed. "See I got the idea from this group of wannabe gods and their leader Dark… speed? Anyway, Darkspeed ran his technology off of the souls of tortured puppies."

Rick's grandkids looked at him in horror.

"Naturally I thought that was completely fucked up, it was almost as bad as old Rusty Jr's dream machine that was run off the heart of an abandoned child." Rick shook his head.

The kids let out a relieved sigh.

"Then I thought, what if I combined the two technologies!"

The kids went back to looking horrified again, Morty grabbing Summer's hand and the two clinging together.

"So, what I did was find a crippled kitten," Rick said proudly, seemingly unaware of his grandkids mounting horror.

"A-a crippled kitten?" Morty stuttered out.

"The more miserable and crippled the better," Rick said before taking a hit off his flask. "I wire the cripple kitten into a pod… like in that movie The Matrix. You've seen that, right?"

The two nodded slowly.

"And then I program it to keep the kitten alive as long as possible while providing the best simulation of a perfect world for it."

"So, the machine is powered by…" Summer said unsure.

"The absolute joy of a crippled kitten," Rick said. "Well there is some loss of power through the dimensional matrix so I find it best to use multiple kittens, you know in case one dies of bliss."

"Oh," Summer said as she and Morty released each other.

"That explains why it sounds like it's purring sometimes," Morty said making a mental note not to ask any more questions about how Rick powered anything, as the answers were always disturbing.

"How was work?" Rick asked with a smirk.

"The animatronics kill anyone they find after midnight, due to a programming error, so we have to hide in the security office," Summer explained.

"And since they are always looking for a way into the office it's a bit nerve wracking," Morty admitted.

"What's worse is the doors need power to keep them closed and everything is run on batteries at night," Summer said. "It's like some bizarre experiment."

Rick paused as he'd been about to take a hit off his flask and look at it suspiciously.

"Anyway, we're going to go use the portal machine to get a couple of mascot outfits, so the animatronics will ignore us," Summer said.

"And then get some sleep," Morty reminded her.

"Yeah, I am bushed," she said with a sigh.

"Night, Grandpa Rick," Morty said.

"Night Grandpa," Summer added and the two left.

"Computer," Rick said, "make a note mixture 1256B causes vivid and bizarre hallucinations. Move it to the list of 'only drink if really bored' and get me a flask of 259p."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Let's get this done, I am so sleepy," Summer complained.

"OK, find me a world where me and Summer wear animal outfits but don't need them anymore," Morty said. "This way we know they'll fit."

"Good thinking," Summer said before they saw what came up on screen. She sighed. "I'll get the clones."

"I'll get the bodies," Morty said. "I'm glad they took the suits off first," he muttered.

 **Ten minutes later…**

Morty shut the portal and switched the view back to Morticia's portal room, where she was eating breakfast and looked half awake.

"Why do you keep switching the portal back to there?" Summer asked as she examined her fur suit. "What even is this?"

"Some type of… hedgehog?" he guessed. "Wait, I remember it's from a video game that's a bandicoot."

"A bandicoot?" she asked. "Never heard of it."

"Kind of a mix of dog and fox," Morty replied with a shrug.

"Better than shivering outside all night," Summer said.

"I'm pretty sure mine was based on Luigi in a raccoon suit," Morty offered.

"That would explain the nose and mustache," she said. "Well, if we're done, I am going to go sleep for about ten hours."

"Um," Morty stood up and held out his arms.

Summer hugged him. "What's wrong?"

"Just not used to handling your corpse, that's all," Morty said, turning his head to press his ear to her chest.

"All out of comforting wisdom," Summer admitted as she stroked his head. "Everything I can think of saying is trite, but I'm here for you little brother and I'm alive and well."

Morty sighed and reluctantly let her go. "That does make me feel better, thanks."

"Anytime," she promised. "Come on, I'll help you dispose of my body."

"It's OK, I'm good now," he promised, "but let's update our memories so the clones are less confused."

"Sure," Summer agreed as he retrieved the helmet.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Morticia looked up from her cereal as a portal opened in the room. "Morty?" she asked surprised.

"I wanted to update the memories so the female clones aren't so shocked," Morty explained. "Are you OK? You look tired."

"I am tired," she agreed. "It's a long slow process and moving bodies who are often bigger than me doesn't help."

"And I have Summer to help me while you don't because you don't get along," Morty realized.

"How did you know?" she asked.

"Clones talk, not to mention what type of worlds they've requested," Morty said. "One thing we can take care of right now is the main memory download console. It allows you to program a bunch of clones at once."

"That would help," she said with a bright smile and followed him into the tangle of cables coming off the pods.

Morty set the helmet on a silver sphere that stuck off the console. He hit a few buttons. "All the clones of me are done. Want me to program all of Summer's clones with my Summer's memories? They'll be a lot more cooperative."

"Please," Morticia said.

He hit a couple of buttons. "And done!" He handed her the helmet. "Let's update yours before we download your memories to them."

She accepted the helmet and put it on, taking it off once it dinged and handing it back.

Morty placed it on the silver globe and hit a couple more buttons. "And done." He retrieved the helmet and they walked back to the console.

"Thank you," she said, "this is such a huge help. I don't suppose grandpa hid any automatic body disposal units around?" she asked hopefully.

"No, but that's pretty easy to handle," he promised. "Just ask a Morty to help, I've gotten pretty used to handling bodies, sad to say."

"I should have thought of that," she said with a groan.

"You did think of that," he told her, setting the helmet down and stepping forward to give her a hug.

"Morty?" she asked confused.

"You looked like you needed a hug," he said not letting go.

Her arms came up to encircle him. "I'm glad I'm so perceptive today," she said voice shaking a little.

Morty sat down and pulled her onto his lap, not saying a word.

"I-I hadn't realized how big reality was until I started looking at all the worlds," she said, squeezing him tightly. "In the face of infinity does anything we do matter?" she asked, her tone promising tears.

"It matters to me," he said and stroked her back, "and it matter to the infinite other us'es that are out there wondering the same thing. Infinity goes both ways, if we are infinitely small in comparison we are infinitely large as well."

Morticia pulled back and looked him in the eye. "That sounds like an infinite pile of bullshit."

"Do you feel better?"

She considered that and smiled. "I do."

"Then that's all that matters," he said. "I'm not the kind of person who can deal with the big questions, I prefer the small ones. Does truth and beauty exist separate of our perceptions of them? I don't know, but I do know that one day I am going to lick a bead of sweat off Jessica's heaving breasts."

"I've actually done that," Morticia said.

"Really?!" he asked in disbelief.

"Girls shower room after gym, she slipped and landed on me while I was yawning."

"You are awesome," Morty said. "Anyway, see? I said one day I would and here I already have. You've got to find a way to let out some of the stress and worry, I find hugs work well."

"They do," she agreed giving him a squeeze. "Well, I'm going to go… freshen up. Don't leave until I get back."

"I won't," Morty promised.

Morticia got up and went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face and fix her hair a bit. She didn't want her other self to leave thinking she was a slob.

Once she felt she was presentable she returned to the lab only to stare in horror at what she found. Her older sister was flirting with Morty!

And worse it looked to be working.

She grit her teeth in anger as Summer leaned down to tie her shoelaces, bending at the waist right in front of Morty.

"I am just so clumsy today," Summer said with a giggle as she re-tied her shoelace, making sure to give her little sister's friend an eyeful.

"Oh, I know how that goes," Morty agreed pretending to be fascinated by her cleavage while plotting revenge. "I once almost blinded a girl I was… involved with because of… excessive volume," he said with a leer. "Wanna see how?"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: I wonder how many perfectly good mixes Rick will mark as causing problems before this is over, then what will happen when he goes to try them later expecting interesting results, only for nothing to happen.**


	12. Hum a few bars 5

**Hum a Few Bars 5**

 **Previous chapters AYASEMF068, AYASEMF070, AYASEMF071, ANYASEMF002**

The credits rolled and Xander and Amy got up to shut down the projector.

"And that ends our broadcast day," Xander said. "You guys know the way out. See you all later."

The pair vanished up to the projector booth to put things away.

"What's next?" Amy asked Xander.

"Simple rituals to create a threshold and strengthen it," Xander replied, opening his backpack and handing her the book he'd borrowed from Giles.

Amy opened it and paged through the various spells, noting the ones Xander had bookmarked. "Did you read all the details or just glance at them?"

"Just glanced," Xander replied as he tried to make sense of how the movies were organized, if they were organized.

"I thought so," Amy said.

"I looked for common and affordable ingredients among the spells that I could afford and marked the spells that only required those," Xander explained finally realizing the movies were organized by studio and release date. "I can easily keep warding the doors so this was just a 'if you feel like it' kinda thing."

Amy grinned. "Are you a virgin?"

"Um… yeah, unless oral counts," he admitted. "Do some of those require that?"

"A few drops of virgin blood of both sexes on one, just virgin's breath on another," Amy answered.

"Seems easy enough," Xander said. "If you want to cast one, just let me know what I need to do."

"I think the easiest one is simply sleeping in the same bed," Amy said. "No hanky panky needed, just the trust to sleep close together."

"That's all?" Xander asked surprised.

"A couple of chants, blow out some candles, burn some herbs… the usual," Amy explained, "but then we simply sleep in the same bad and boom, accelerated threshold buildup."

"I don't mind if you don't," Xander said, "but I don't want to push you into anything."

"It's just sleeping," she assured Xander, "and I know you're trustworthy."

"Ok, I can handle that," Xander said.

"There is a ceremonial washing of feet in the morning to complement it. Are you ok with that?" Amy asked shyly.

"I don't have a problem with it," Xander assured her.

"Good," Amy said turning away to hide her blush. "So, where are we going to sleep?"

"I have a sleeping bag, though it's a bit of a tight fit for two," Xander said.

"Let's see what the apartment has available," Amy suggested.

"Alright, though I'm looking for clean sheets before we use a bed a vamp has slept in," Xander said.

Amy's face scrunched up. "Or just go without."

"I wonder if they have a laundry room?"

"They'd have to, wouldn't they?"

"After all the work they did putting a backyard on the room," Xander said. "Yeah, it's a given. Now, where would they hide it?"

"Either on the roof or in the basement," Amy guessed.

"The basement means they'd have to climb two flights of stairs every time they did laundry," Xander said. "This being Sunnydale I'm betting they did that rather then put it outside, even if it was on the roof."

"Yeah," Amy agreed. "Did we find the stairs leading down to the basement?"

"The janitor's room is actually just the top landing on the stairway," Xander replied, "the stair on in the back of it."

"Well after we saw the roof we knew this wasn't a conventional house design anyway," she replied.

The pair paused in the arcade.

"I'm going to have to fix that leg Oz busted off," Xander noted looking at the pool table. "Shouldn't be too hard."

"There's the jukebox, I think," Amy said pointing to an arcade machine that looked like someone had taken an arcade game and tried to mate it with a jukebox and some rock concert speakers.

"Weird, but workable," Xander said. "It's all video game soundtracks," he noted as he looked at the selection.

"We can switch out the music pretty easily, I think that's just the default listing for when no one's paying for anything in particular," Amy said.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, looking at the band names on the front of the machine all done in their own personal styles. "Let's go do laundry."

"What do you think we'll find in the basement?" Amy asked, as they entered the apartment.

"Unexpected cheerleaders," Xander said surprised.

"What?" Amy asked before noting the gang was all sitting in the living room. "Why are you all still here?"

"Vampires," Harmony and Gwen chorused.

"We couldn't agree who was supposed to walk who home," Buffy admitted.

"Morbid curiosity," Oz deadpanned.

"It's safer to wait for the morning," Willow said.

"So, what are you two planning?" Cordelia asked, trying to sound casual while inspecting her nails.

"Doing laundry," Xander said causing everyone to stare at the two. "I am not sleeping on sheets a demon infested corpse has laid on without running them through some hot water and a vial of holy water."

"That's a good point," Harmony said. "Would you mind showing me how to do laundry?"

"This would be a whole lot funnier if that had been a euphemism," Gwen said, "but yeah, please show us how to get clean sheets."

"Vampires don't shed or get dandruff," Buffy said, "and their vampiric aura kills off any bacteria or viruses."

"Don't care, hot water and holy water are a necessity as far as I'm concerned," Xander said firmly.

"We should probably do the same," Cordelia told Buffy.

Buffy looked surprised but before she could say anything everyone had went to check the various bedrooms and strip the beds.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"I'll go first," Buffy said, passing the sheets to Cordelia and pulling out a stake as they entered the janitor's closet and closed on the stairs going down.

At Harmony's nervous look Xander passed her a large wooden cross from his bag. She gave him a grateful smile as did Gwen who moved closer to Harmony as they followed down the stairs.

The basement was huge, dark, and poorly lit… until Xander flipped the light switch and multiple banks of florescent tubes came on showing clean white walls, an overly large laundry area, and a multiple rows of boxes and shelves.

"Oh," Buffy said, putting her stake away.

"Movie memorabilia and advertising," Willow said going to poke through the multitude of boxes.

"We've got two industrial sized washers and that's good," Xander said as the Scoobs minus Cordelia went to look at stuff.

"Why?" Gwen asked. "We only have four sets of sheets and pillowcases, that's not a lot."

"Because you guys have whites while we have colors," Xander said. "If we tossed a red silk sheet in with all the whites they would come out pink."

"Silk sheets," Cordelia muttered softly, glaring at them as Xander stuffed them in one of the machines.

"Now, with white clothes you want to set it on hot and add a cup of bleach," Xander said as the girls watched like he was revealing the secrets of the universe and Amy was trying not to snicker.

"And 'Dry Clean only' can't go in the washer," Harmony said, recalling learning that lesson very clearly.

"Always check the tags, some have special instructions especially if it's expensive material," he agreed as he poured a vial of holy water in the washer and started it up.

"I learned that lesson the hard way," Cordelia admitted.

"Now for colors you usually use cold water or warm at most, but since I don't care if the colors fade so much as the vampire cooties are gone I'm going to set it to hot as well," Xander explained.

"And no bleach," Gwen noted.

"But still with the holy water," Xander agreed finishing it off and starting it. "There is usually a chart on the inside of the lid of household washers that tells you what size you should put it on, but I always put it on large, so I don't have to worry about there being soap left on anything."

"They should teach this in home Ec," Harmony complained. "I mean, I can order out for food, but laundry gets done at home."

"Yeah, I think that course was designed before washers and microwaves and all that," Cordelia said. "They never bothered updating it, but at least I can sew on buttons and make a decent coffee cake."

Oz came back wearing a Santa hat. "Found the seasonal decorations."

"How long does it take to do a load and why does our housekeeper joke about the spin cycle?" Gwen asked.

"And now I'll turn you over to my lovely assistant while I go with Oz to look through decorations," Xander said moving a giggling Amy in front of him.

"Smooth," Oz said to the blushing Xander.

"Just show me to the Santa hats," Xander said.

 **Ten minutes later**

"Why do they have Chucky dolls?" Xander asked.

"I think there was a giveaway that was cancelled because the Mayor thought the movie was a bit too gory for public advertisement," Oz said. "Pretty sure these are valuable collector items now."

"There are a number of boxes of stuff like that down here," Xander noted.

"There is a horror convention in LA next month, you could open up a booth and make a killing," Oz said.

"You provide the van and I'll cut you in," Xander offered.

There was a feminine squeal from the laundry area followed by a lot of female laughter.

"So how about those Mets?" Xander asked.

"I've never trusted them" Oz replied, both of them doing their level best to ignore the squeals and laughter.

"You don't trust the Mets?" Xander asked surprised.

"I don't trust a team named after a past tense verb, especially when it's not singular," Oz explained. "It's like they're hiding something."

"Steroids?" Xander suggested.

"Without a doubt," Oz agreed, "but what else?"

"They don't win enough to have made a deal with the devil," Xander pointed out.

"I don't know about that," Oz disagreed. "Who's to say multiple teams haven't made deals with multiple devils? Maybe that's why selling your soul to the devil is so rare these days, they are all struggling against one another to uphold sports sponsorships."

"What the fans do can be considered worship… That's a lot of power they are vying for," he admitted seriously considering the issue.

There was the sound of a pair of buzzers and Xander closed the box he'd been looking through.

"How do we use the dryers?" Harmony called out.

Xander rejoined the girls, seeing that Buffy and Willow had joined them and was slightly unnerved by how well they were all getting along now; usually that meant danger to all lone males and he had to force himself not to back against a wall. "Since we used the large setting to make sure all the soap was washed off your load it would take care of any remaining bleach as well, so we can dry them together… or we could have if they weren't made of different materials," he explained.

"Like when my wool sweater got shrunk!" Gwen exclaimed.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "Cotton can go on high heat, but silk goes on low at most."

"And no heat is Tumble Dry?" Cordelia asked as she read the dial.

"Yeah, you can sometimes cheat and use that setting for stuff you'd normally hang on a line and air dry," he said, "but that's a bit risky. I mostly use it to help remove wrinkles if I've left the laundry sit too long in the dryer after it's finished."

"It's best to fold or hang clothes the moment they come out of the dryer," Amy added, "it prevents wrinkles."

"And that's laundry," Xander said. "Any questions?"

"How come your clothes are always wrinkled?" Harmony asked.

"I'm lazy so I don't really put a lot of effort into it," Xander admitted.

"But why not look your best?" Harmony asked.

"People who only care about looks aren't the types I want to hang with," Xander admitted. "The stuff I get into is dangerous, I need to know who's really a friend and who's going to bail."

"You'd never know that until disaster strikes anyway," Gwen said. "Looking good isn't solely about… looking good." She sighed unsure how to phrase it.

"Looking good means you value yourself," Harmony said. "Look good, feel good, do good things."

"It's not just showing off," Buffy said, realizing Xander may not have gotten this speech as a kid… and maybe Willow hadn't either. "You take pride in your appearance, so people will know you will work hard."

"I'm missing something there," Xander said.

"Proud people work hard to do the best they can," Buffy explained. "Pride in your work isn't just a phrase."

"Are you saying people evaluate your competency based on your appearance?" Willow asked in disbelief.

"Pretty much," Buffy agreed.

"Of course it's situationally appropriate at times," Cordelia admitted. "Hard physical labor requires different clothes than stock brokers."

"I also use my clothes to blend in and get overlooked," Xander pointed out. "Sometimes I need people to dismiss me as unimportant."

"What?" Willow asked looking shocked as she started thinking about things in the past and trying to see where his attitude came from.

"I slouch so I look shorter, I wear clothes that are baggy to hide my build," Xander explained. "Vamps dismiss me as a threat till I blindside them."

"What about before the vamps?" Willow asked.

"Jessie was trying to catch Cordy's eye and I was kinda overshadowing him," Xander admitted. "Plus, I didn't get challenged to as many fights, so my parents didn't have to come to school as often."

Buffy could see something go through the native Sunnydale girls' head from the slight expression of understanding they all got before Amy changed the subject, "It's just school anyway, most of what happens here doesn't matter, no one really checks your permanent record, not even the CIA."

"Oh no, it is important," Cordelia disagreed, "the people you know and the contacts you make can help you tremendously. It's all about networking."

"So many popular actors and comedians don't come from the same high school because it has a great drama club," Buffy agreed. "People know people, who know people. It's like the six links to Bacon game."

"Kevin Bacon," Cordelia clarified.

"I'm smart enough I can write my own ticket," Willow pointed out. "I've already been scouted by some big tech firms and given warnings by some three letter agencies."

"We aren't," Gwen said flatly. "Most people have to do the stuff we do, show they can get along with people they hate, to get stuff done so we'll have solid futures."

"Don't look at me, I was raised to be a human sacrifice, so I didn't get told all this," Amy admitted.

"I've already passed my life expectancy," Buffy said, "so I hadn't really thought about talking to you guys about any of this."

The dryers buzzed.

"And let's drop that topic and get to bed making," Xander said, relieved he didn't have to think about the future, much less his future prospects.

"That we know," Harmony said. "I always helped the maid when I was little."

"It also helps when you need to straighten things up, so it doesn't look like you had someone in your room," Gwen added.

"I love when they're warm like this," Harmony said burying her face in them for a moment. She looked up embarrassed, but then noticed the others doing it as well.

The group of teens returned to the apartment and Xander and Amy disappeared into the master bedroom closing the door behind them.

There was a moment of awkwardness as the 'couples' stood there but Gwen broke the silence, "Slumber party rules?" she suggested.

Buffy and Cordelia exchanged glances. "Cheer Camp rules," they chorused.

"Agreed," Harmony said looking relieved and pulling Gwen towards their bedroom.

"Cheer Camp rules?" Willow asked.

"What happens at Cheer Camp, stays at Cheer Camp," Buffy explained, before going to make her bed, Cordelia reluctantly following after giving one more glance at the master bedroom's closed door.

Now that they were alone and about to share a bed Willow got nervous. "Um."

"We'll just sleep," Oz promised her.

"Just?" she asked disappointed.

"There will be snuggling," he promised.

Willow perked up. "What's your opinion on groping?"

"I'm very pro groping," he promised as he followed her into their bedroom.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: It's always the quiet ones ;-)**


	13. Going Solo 2

**Going Solo 2**

 **Previous chapter ANYASEMF008**

"Aren't you a little young to be buying a boat?"

"Possibly," Buffy admitted, "but considering Slayer lifespans I don't see waiting as a viable option."

Giles winced, but nodded. "I see your point. If you need someone to cosign for a loan, please don't hesitate to ask."

"We'll keep that in mind," Buffy assured him.

"I like this one," Xander said, tapping an ad.

"It's almost a barge, no it is a barge, with a tug built into it," Willow said, looking it over.

"Great stability but very slow," Buffy guessed.

"It's cheap because it needs a major overhaul," Willow said as she read the details.

"We can only afford very cheap and this will give us experience with the technology," Xander pointed out.

"Not to mention the modifications we can make during the rebuild," Buffy added.

"Goes without saying," Willow said absently as she copied down details to look up.

It's within our budget," Willow said, "and dock space in Sunnydale is cheap for some reason."

"Yeah, imagine that," Buffy said with a snort.

"If we make regular use of the living quarters will it keep vamps out?" Xander asked Giles.

"Only for the internal spaces," Giles replied, "the deck would still be vulnerable just as vampires can enter the grounds of a property."

"We can get a priest to bless it," Willow said. "Doubt it'll be as good as consecrating the ground, but it should still make them uncomfortable."

"This deal looks too good to be true," Buffy said suspiciously. "A rebuild shouldn't lower the price that much."

"Wooden deck and a large engine," Willow said. At their confused expressions she explained, "The equipment needed to lift the engine would shatter the deck, so the usual method is to use a crane and remove part of the deck to lift it out, making overhaul an even more expensive prospect."

"They wouldn't have that problem if they used Wroshyr wood," Buffy said, shaking her head.

"If only they'd had the foresight to travel to a fictional planet to collect non-existent wood," Willow said dryly.

"Exactly," Xander said cheerfully, "it'd have made things so much easier on us. So, what's the plan to avoid the cost of tearing apart half the ship?"

"Plan? You have a plan?" Buffy asked.

"She always has a plan," Xander said with a grin.

"No, you always have a plan," Willow disagreed, "and I always have to fix your plan."

"Potato, tomato," Xander waved it off. "Now, what's the plan?"

"Buy the ship, rent a dock, mark it as slayer territory to keep demons out or at least make them cautious," Willow said, then waited for the questions she knew were going to come.

"Slayer territory?" Giles asked.

"You want her to pee on the nearby buildings?" Xander asked.

"This ought to be good," Buffy said, leaning back in her chair and waiting for the explanations.

"There is a vampiric script, but only the oldest vampires use it, and it has a glyph for Slayer," Willow explained. "We tag the area and make an example of any demons caught trespassing. It'll increase the fear of the Slayer and should make the area safer, lowering our costs overall. You'll have to ask Angel if Slayer pee scares off vampires, but I kinda doubt it, though it would be a clear sign of which marks she made."

"I am not peeing in public," Buffy said, rolling her eyes.

"They have sprayers for that," Xander waved it off.

"Sprayers for urine?" Buffy asked doubtfully.

"It's how hippies keep animals away from their crops," Xander explained.

"Zoos sell lion urine and the smell scares off all the herbivores," Willow explained his explanation. "But we're getting off track." She waved a hand and Xander and his chair started floating.

"Shouldn't Buffy be The Great Golden One?" Xander asked amused as she floated his chair several feet above the table.

"We float the engine out," Buffy said with a grin.

"That would take enormous amounts of power," Giles warned.

"Or three witches working together," Willow pointed out.

"Which would necessitate finding three... " Giles voice trailed off. "I suppose technically all three of you could serve, even if you have not moved past the first exercise."

"I can see right down your shirt from up here," Xander said cheerfully.

"Which of us?" Buffy asked amused.

"All three," Xander replied cheerfully, "and Giles you have an impressive forest in your shirt."

Giles moved back and clasped the neck of his shirt closed making the three teens laugh and Willow drop Xander.

Buffy leapt forward, her chair falling to the ground, to catch Xander and slowly lower his chair to the floor.

"Why do they have to remove the engine anyway?" Buffy asked before picking up her chair and sitting back down.

"No idea," Willow admitted. "Xander?"

"I assume there are lots of things you have to do to it that there just isn't a lot of room to do in the engine compartment," Xander said, "but what those things are, I am a little fuzzy on."

"Something else to study," Willow said.

"I wonder if there are any ways to fix and improve an engine with magic," Xander said thoughtfully.

"If only we knew a techno-pagan who could help us out," Buffy said with a melodramatic sigh.

Willow and Xander exchanged rueful glances.

"I'll ask Miss Calendar," Willow said.

Giles turned away to hide his smile, amused to see the way the three played off one another and reminded of some of the better days of his own youth.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Xander picked up the chalk and solved all three problems on the board, much to the teacher's surprise.

"It's nice to see you've started to apply yourself," Mrs. Jensen said, deciding not to challenge the perfect score he'd gotten on the latest test.

"Willow threatened me with violence," Xander replied.

"You can't prove that," Willow replied with a smirk.

"Keep up the good work Miss Rosenberg," Mrs Jensen said cheerfully making the class laugh just before the bell rang. "Page 236, all the odd questions," she said, "class dismissed."

"You really threatened him with violence?" Cordelia asked Willow curiously as they gathered their books.

"Not him personally," Willow said, "I took hostage some of his possessions."

"I still say a bribe would have worked just as well," Xander said as he joined them.

"I've tried bribery before," Willow replied, "it was of limited effectiveness."

"Depends on the bribe," Cordelia said, before leaving.

"True," Willow said thoughtfully.

Xander shivered, his eyes darting around looking for whatever had set off his danger sense.

"Come on," Willow said grabbing Xander's arm and pulling him to their next class.

Xander relaxed at her touch, deciding it must have been his paranoia.

"Did you do your history homework?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, but my essay descended into a criticism about the tactics used by the French against the Germans," Xander said.

"The French are very passive aggressive," Willow said, "and it shows in their tactics."

"It was probably more effective," Xander admitted.

"We have a major history test coming up," Willow said as they entered the class and took their seats.

"And?" Xander asked, knowing there had to be more to it from her tone.

"Get an A, not an A-, a solid A or above and I'll… well, I won't say what your bribe will be, but if you fail you will be kicking yourself for missing out," Willow said.

"Really?" Xander asked.

"Really," Willow assured him.

"Alright I'll bite," Xander said. "I'll shoot for an A or better, but you get to grade it."

"Don't trust Mr Johnson to give you a fair grade?" Willow asked.

"I've been sleeping through class and just barely scraping by, I figure if I work hard and get an A he'll probably assume I was cheating and give me an F on it," Xander said. "It's what I'd do in his place, because what's more likely one of your students who was a constant slacker decided to work hard or they decided to slack off even more and cheat?"

"A very good point Mr Harris," Mr Johnson said from behind him, "but if I observe you putting in real effort in class I'm going to assume you actually did do the work, because it's harder to fake paying attention and taking note than to actually do it."

"Give me a second for my heart to start beating normally again," Xander said, having jumped when Mr Johnson had spoken up. "Alright, I accept your challenge, I will get an A or better," Xander told Willow.

"Good, your constant snoring was affecting the class," Mr Johnson said as he waved everyone to their seats.

"I don't snore," Xander said defensively, before turning to Willow. "Do I?"

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"This is where you two have been hiding out?" Buffy asked surprised.

"Hiding out?" Xander asked confused.

"It's lunchtime and I find you two studying in the library when you should have been joining me for lunch and meeting the latest threat, though not much of one," Buffy explained.

"Make with the explainey," Willow ordered.

"You first," Buffy countered.

"I'm being bribed with an unspecified reward to get an A in history," Xander said. "Now give!"

"Unspecified?" Buffy asked

"He's more motivated that way," Willow claimed.

Buffy's look promised a massive interrogation later, but for now she relented. "One of the students from Hemery High said he's transferring here, but the truth is he's dying of cancer and in a lot of pain. His scrambled brain has come up with the idea of trading me to a vamp for immortality, but he's also kinda hoping for a quick death to end it all."

"That sucks," Xander said after a few seconds.

"So… what are you going to do?" Willow asked.

"I'm torn," Buffy admitted. "On the one hand he's trying to betray me and on the other…"

"And on the other?" Willow asked.

"He's a rich asshole," Buffy said bluntly.

"It's not like he can take it with him," Xander noted.

"I feel like I should be shocked and appalled," Willow said.

"But?" Buffy asked.

"I take betrayal very personally, especially when it's a friend of mine who's been betrayed," Willow admitted.

"Right there with ya," Xander said with a fond smile at her vengeful nature.

"Of course, we also have to take into account the fact that he is not firing on all cylinders," Willow quietly added.

"Point," Buffy admitted.

"So… make him aware of exactly what's going on and what he's doing, so he understands and can make an informed decision?" Willow suggested.

"That works for me," Xander said. "I'll buddy up with him, let him know a few home truths."

"And when he dies we'll forge some checks in his name," Buffy said with a nod. "Sound like a plan."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"The Crimson Dawn?" Willow said in surprise as they read the name written in gold across the back of the ship, the letters faded and peeling.

"Good name," Xander said with a smile.

As they rounded the corner and saw the setting sun illuminate the ship Willow laughed.

At Xander's, raised eyebrow she explained, "He built it out of redwood, the deck and railing at least."

"It looks good," Xander said.

"It looks like a pirate ship," Willow countered. "Why does it have a mast and sails when it has an engine? And why wasn't that mentioned?"

"Well, either we're looking at the wrong ship, or it is being sold by some dealership who never even looked at it and just went by old paperwork," Xander guessed. "Is it just me or does it look familiar?"

"It's not just you," Willow agreed, "but then superficially it looks like a pirate ship."

"We're buying a pirate ship?" Buffy's voice came from just down the dock as she appeared with a dark haired young man.

"Looks like it," Willow said. "Our current guess is that the seller never laid eye on it."

"Can we get a look onboard?" Buffy asked.

"I don't see any cops about," Xander replied, heading for the mooring ropes.

"No cop, no crime," Buffy agreed, to Ford's surprise.

"How are you planning on getting aboard?" Buffy asked Xander.

"Just watch," Xander said with a grin. He tested the thick hemp rope with his foot to see how much give it had before sticking his hands in his pockets and casually walking across it to the ship and hopping over the rail.

"Whoa," Ford said impressed.

"I can do that," Buffy said, testing the rope with her foot before slowly walking across it, arms outstretched as she had to continuously adjust her balance as the rope sagged. As she neared the ship, where the rope sloped sharply she kept sliding backwards until finally she took a few steps back, moved forward and leapt ten feet into the air, doing a full flip before landing precisely on the rail. "Tadah!"

"Wow!" Ford said in awe.

Buffy and Xander looked over at Willow and waited.

"I'm not showing off," Willow said firmly, before gesturing and causing the gangplank to slide into place so she could climb aboard.

"Holy shit!" Ford quickly followed Willow aboard.

"How Buffy got on board was easy to see, but how did you?" Willow demanded.

"Yeah, how did you?" Buffy added.

"I used a little mojo to keep myself in balance and to make my shoes stick to the rope," Xander said with a smirk. "Lesson one for the win!"

"I didn't even think to do that," Buffy complained.

"No, which is why what you did was awesome," Xander assured her.

"Thank you," Buffy said smugly.

"And how did you move the ramp?" Ford asked Willow eagerly.

"Meh, I used telekinesis," Willow said waving it off.

"No Meh!" Ford said shaking his head. "Telekinesis is not a Meh it is a wow and a cool!"

"I like him," Willow told Buffy. "Who is he?"

"Oh, right," Buffy said. "Ford this is Willow and Xander. Xander and Willow, this is Ford."

"Nice to meet you," Willow said shaking his hand.

"Any friend of Buffy's is a friend of mine," Xander said shaking his hand.

"How much you want to bet there is a vampire or demon inside?" Buffy asked.

Xander and Willow rolled their eyes. "No bet," the two chorused.

"Um, should we be worried?" Ford asked.

Xander took out several stakes and began to juggle them. "I think we got it covered."

"How long have you been practicing just to causally do that?" Buffy asked with a grin.

"He hasn't been practicing," Willow said eyeing him suspiciously before stepping forward and grabbing his arms. "He's cheating!"

Xander grinned as the three stakes continued to bounce in the air as if they were being juggled.

Buffy pouted. "I thought you could juggle."

Ford just stared in shock. "How is that not more impressive?"

Buffy waved it off. "We already knew he could do that."

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**


	14. Of all Possible worlds 4

**Part 1 : And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments 62**  
 **Part 2 : And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments 63**  
 **Part 3 : And Yet Again Still Even More Fragments 75**

"Ladies," Ron greeted the prostitutes he'd hired from the front desk.

Alice and Janine entered the motel room, they were both dressed in tube tops and mini-skirts that were probably in fashion in the eighties.

"What can we do for ya?" Alice (according to her nametag) asked.

"You are both trained in massage, right?" he asked, knowing it was one of the common covers for prostitutes.

"Yeah, but most people don't exactly hire us for our hands," she said with a smirk.

"Well I am," Ron replied. "These two lovely young ladies need foot rubs."

"Seriously?" Janine asked in disbelief.

"Seriously," Ron said. "You are actually being hired for massage services."

"Is that allowed?" Alice asked Janine who shrugged.

"Also, I wouldn't mind learning to give a decent foot rub myself," Ron said, "so I'll pay double."

"Double?" Janine asked, surprised.

"In cash," he promised.

Alice cracked her fingers. "Watch and learn."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"What do I do?" Kim asked Wade over the kimunicator.

"I… I don't know that there's anything you can do," Wade admitted, "not without getting arrested as well."

"This is so out of character for him," Kim complained.

"It really is," Wade said with a frown. "Hold on I'm going to tap into the listening devices the vice officers are wearing."

"Can you do that?"

"It's not even encrypted," Wade replied connecting with a few simple clicks.

"Harder!" Bonnie demanded before letting out an orgasmic moan.

"You're amazing for a first timer," an unknown female voice said.

Wade cut the audio feed. "Ok…"

"How in the world hasn't he been arrested already?" Kim demanded. "I thought the police busted them before any sex occurred!"

"They're supposed to," Wade agreed. "Maybe he talked them into it?"

"Ron?!" she exclaimed in disbelief. "Wait, a uniformed officer just knocked on their door," Kim said. "Now he's going inside.

After a few minutes of silence Wade asked, "And?"

"No 'and', he went inside the room and hasn't come out," Kim said.

"Want me to tap into the listening devices again?"

"Ok, but just for a second," Kim said.

"That's the spot," a male voice moaned before Wade cut the feed.

"I've got to be dreaming, no way is this happening," Kim said.

"You've fought a professional wrestler possessed by the spirit of an Egyptian deity," Wade pointed out, "and this is too strange for you to handle?"

"A female officer just went in while you were talking, and yes, Ron having a three way with Bonnie and Tara before turning it into an orgy by seducing a pair of vice officers and the uniformed officers who are working with them is where I draw the line," Kim said, "reality officially no longer makes sense!"

Wade was quiet for a moment. "Maybe he was tired of holding back and just decided to cut loose for once?"

"How do you mean?" Kim asked.

"Listen, we both know Ron rarely does his best," Wade said. "When he pulls out all the stops he can do some amazing things."

"I'm not arguing about that," Kim said, "I mean, how does that apply to this situation?"

"Teenage males can be really… hormonal and yet Ron rarely even dated," Wade explained. "I'm guessing something happened to convince him to cut loose and obey his hormones."

"Or someone," Kim said with a groan, wishing she could go back in time and kick her own ass.

 **Two hours later**

"I have never seen so many happy police officers," Kim said, feeling numb.

"Maybe it's the hero thing," Wade suggested.

"Hero thing?"

"He's saved the world and everyone knows it," Wade pointed out, "so a chance to 'celebrate' with him…"

"Yeah, and the police would actually appreciate the danger he put himself in and understand it so it would mean more to them," Kim said.

"Ron's a special guy," Wade said.

Kim winced. "Yeah, he is," she admitted, keeping her voice from wavering by force of will. "Wade, you can drop surveillance on him, he seems to be fine so I'm going to head home."

"Call if you need anything," Wade said.

"Will do," Kim promised, "but the only thing I need right now is a few pints of ice cream and a time machine."

"A time machine?"

"Not important at the moment," Kim said, making Wade chuckle. "Later."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Ok I'll bite," Shego said as Ron got out of the truck, "why did you have multiple boxes of female undergarments shipped here?"

"Clones are even less likely to melt if they have material that can soak up moisture. I also picked up the additional hair samples so we can have the clones look and dress in different ways. With any luck, no one will suspect they are clones even if they came onboard and walk around," Ron explained.

"Damn, you are really on the ball, Stoppable," Shego said, impressed.

"Ron," Drakken said cheerfully. "What brings you by?"

"Clothes to help disguise the clones," Ron replied.

"Brilliant," Drakken said, immediately seeing the use in it. "We can treat them to repel water and better protect the clones."

"Scotch guard?" Shego asked.

"I have a laundry additive that serves the same function," Drakken replied.

"Going to stay the night or head on back?" Shego asked.

"I've got a couple of friends with me," Ron said, waving towards the truck, "so I gotta head back, but I'll be here bright and early Monday morning so we can head to the bank and start searching for a ship."

Drakken used the intercom to call for some clones and half a dozen Kim-clones entered the hanger bay and started unloading the truck.

"Tattooing equipment?" Shego asked, surprised as she saw what was being unloaded.

"Bonnie agreed to donate her hair if she got to help give the clones a makeover and she wants to see how Kim and herself would look as punk rockers," Ron explained.

"Tattooing is an art, you can't just pick up a tattoo gun and go to town," Shego said, "you guys are going to need to practice."

"I hadn't thought of that," Ron admitted. "Can I borrow some clones to practice on?"

"Sure, in fact since we need to test the clones anyway, give me your DNA samples and I'll run you off one of each," Drakken offered.

"Sounds good," Ron said, handing him a bag with three bundles of hair inside.

"I'll send a Kim as well," Shego said, "skin coloration and texture also play a role."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Bonnie and Tara watched as clones of themselves and Monique filed past and climbed in the back of the truck before Ron hopped in.

"We need to practice tattooing," he explained before they could ask.

"I hadn't thought of that," Bonnie admitted before smirking. "My parents are gone for the week and I have chores that need doing."

"I'm texting my parents to say I'm staying over at your place," Tara told Bonnie.

"Tattoo party at your place?" Ron guessed.

"And you're invited," Bonnie agreed.

"This is turning out to be a great weekend," Tara said, bouncing in her seat.

"Life isn't normal around you… and I'm not so sure that's a bad thing," Bonnie admitted. "Wish I'd realized it earlier, but I was only around for the 'attacked by weird creatures' bits."

"Yeah, I can see where that would put you off," Ron said.

"Yeah, but now I also get the 'learn new things' and 'experience events I would never have believed possible' bits," Bonnie said. "I think it's worth more than an attack or two."

"You have been a lot more relaxed lately," Ron noted, the question clear in his voice.

"High School is over with and I no longer have to worry about my family being on my case," Bonnie said, looking like a prisoner given a new lease on life, "and whatever college I attend, they'll only care what my grades are."

"No more queen bee?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"Don't get me wrong, I still like being in charge, but now I can expect the people I work with to be adults and do their part without being threatened," Bonnie said happily.

Ron considered the adults he'd worked with, but decided not to say anything. 'Let her dream.'

"Did we pick up any books on tattooing?" Tara asked.

"A very basic how to guide that came with the kit," Bonnie replied, "but I think one of my cable channels is devoted to it, so we should be fine."

Tara yawned. "Excuse me."

"A good night's sleep, then some research," Bonnie decided. "Do clones sleep?"

"I don't know," Ron admitted. "My experience with clones is kinda limited to distract or destroy."

"We'll just have to assume they do too," she decided. "What dissolves them?"

"Carbonated beverages," Ron replied. "Salt water also isn't good for them but doesn't instantly destroy them."

"Good to know," Bonnie said before yawning herself. "A good night's sleep is definitely in order."

"We'll be home in a matter of minutes," he promised as Tara leaned against him and her eyes closed.

"Good, because if it takes much longer you'll be carrying two sleeping girls inside to put to bed," Bonnie said.

"I have clones for that," Ron said smugly, making her snicker.

"Unless they have fallen asleep too," she teased. "I'll have to be awake to deactivate the alarm anyway."

"And we're here," Ron said, turning to find both girls were sound asleep.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Ron woke up in a pile of bodies as a couple slowly stirred.

"Ron?" Bonnie asked.

"Yeah?"

"Did I stay awake long enough to deactivate the alarm, because I don't remember it," Bonnie admitted.

"No, you fell asleep and would not wake up," he replied, "but it was a simple alarm system."

"From the crowded bed, I'm guessing clones do sleep," she said.

"I ended up carrying them in too," he admitted, making her laugh into her pillow.

"I'm surprised my bed fits seven people," Bonnie said.

"It doesn't, it fits five," Ron said. "Clonique and Clim are on the couch."

"How did that happen?" Bonnie asked, waking up enough to realize there was a Tara snuggled up to her back and on the other side of Ron.

"I put everyone in the living room and was planning on just putting you and Tara in your bed, but I couldn't find the light switch in the living room so I put you, Tara, Clara, and Clonnie in here. Then when I went to leave, you pulled me into bed."

"It was probably my clone," Bonnie said quickly.

"When I tried to leave, she gripped me tighter and threatened to shiv me in the shower if I didn't go to sleep," Ron said with a grin.

"Sounds like clone talk to me," Bonnie replied. "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

Ron stifled a laugh.

"Bonnie?" Tara asked from Ron's side.

"Yes?"

"If you're you then who is cupping… me?" Tara asked.

"My prison talking clone," Bonnie said, making Ron laugh.

"Want me to make breakfast?" Ron asked.

"That would be wonderful," Tara said.

After a minute Ron said, "I'll have to get up to do that."

"I wasn't that hungry anyway," Tara said, her arm across his stomach showing no signs of moving.

"Can clones cook?" Bonnie asked, her arm just above Tara's.

"They seem to have all the skills of their donor," Ron replied.

"Good, because I'm comfortable," Bonnie said.

"I suppose we could order Clara and Clonnie to cook," Ron said.

"They are also comfortable," Bonnie said, "and warm."

"We are doomed," Ron said slowly.

"Doomed?" Tara asked.

"Like the evil of the comfy chair, the comfy bed has doomed us," he explained.

"At least until I have to pee," Bonnie agreed.

"It's a very comfy doom," Tara said, "one with its hands in my pants."

"My doom has a hand up my shirt and is drooling on my neck," Bonnie countered with a smirk.

Ron and Tara lifted their heads for a second and then laid back down with matching grins.

"What?" Bonnie asked.

"Your doom has given you a hickey," Ron said.

"Exactly how… people like are these clones?" Bonnie asked. "I mean… you know what I mean, I don't have the philosophy degree to explain it."

"They have vestiges of your personality and reflexes, but no will of their own or self-awareness," Ron said.

"That's a relief," Tara said, "I'd hate to think of coming to life and only living a day or two under someone else's control before melting, it'd be too cruel."

"I know," Ron agreed, "that's why when Drakken first started making clones I had a talk with him. He was offended that I thought he'd do that to a living thinking being."

"They certainly feel real," Bonnie said.

"Can your shower fit more than one person?" Tara asked Bonnie. She blushed bright red at the looks they gave her. "I meant so the clones could be washed."

Ron and Bonnie exchanged glances and then looked at Tara again who groaned.

"I… Wait, why am I feeling embarrassed, you two are the ones thinking naughty thoughts!" Tara exclaimed, making them laugh.

"Never change," Bonnie said.

"That reminds me, do I have a change of clothes here?" Tara asked.

"Just steal something from my sisters' closets," Bonnie said. "You can also use their shower."

"Sounds good," Tara said. "Ron?"

"Yeah, Tara?"

"Next time you put me to bed, remove my underwear first, sleeping in a bra is not comfortable and leaves lines in the skin," Tara said before releasing Ron and shaking clone Bonnie awake. "Let's go shower," she told Clonnie.

After the two had gotten untangled and left, Bonnie said, "I swear, half the time I can't tell if she's really that innocent or is just messing with me and I've known her my entire life."

"Can't talk, mind filled with indecent thoughts of the two of you in the shower," Ron said.

Bonnie rolled her eyes then smirked and shook clone Tara, "Come on Clara we have to go wash up."

As the door to the bathroom closed, Ron groaned. "I have way too vivid an imagination."

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	15. Legal Crimes

**Legal Crimes**

"Are you sure it's reading correctly?" Flash asked, as Batman adjusted the device is his hand.

"Faint traces of speed force energy are detectable," Batman replied as he slowly moved, what Flash had dubbed a Bat-Themed PKE meter, in a circle.

"I'm just not feeli- Whoa!" Flash said, his form blurring as he looked around anxiously.

"Major surge, I've got a lock," Batman reported.

"Then let's check it out," Flash said tensing and relaxing all his muscles to limber up for a high speed battle.

"Are we sure it's not a hero?" Kid Flash asked.

"Multiple releases of speed force energy with no reported decreases in crime," Batman explained.

"So, crime has increased during those periods?" Kid Flash asked.

"None that have been reported," Batman replied. "Now tell me the possible reasons for the lack of criminal reports associated with a speedster."

"Oh, um," Kid Flash stopped and thought about it before answering as Robin had advised him earlier. "He could be committing crimes so successfully that they aren't reported as such, he could be tapped into the local justice system and altering the statistics to cover his tracks, or…"

"Or he could be preparing for a crime of massive proportions," Batman explained pausing to give Kid Flash an approving nod.

Flash gave Kid Flash a super speed high five when Batman turned back to his scanner. "It appears to have stopped for the moment, but we have the readings we need to narrow it down to… a warehouse near the docks."

"Smuggling or gun running?" Kid Flash guessed.

"Human trafficking is also possible," Batman added, "that's why we'll carefully examine the area from a distance before approaching. The last thing we need is to get into a pitched battle with easily accessible hostages nearby."

Kid Flash nodded and pretended he hadn't been just about to rush the place as soon as Batman told him where it was.

 **Twelve agonizingly slow minutes later**

"Is it possible to look that nondescript?" Kid Flash said as the three watched an overhead view from several Bat drones.

"Not without some effort," Batman replied. "The exterior has been specifically altered to make it as bland and uninteresting as possible."

"How about the interior?" Flash asked.

"There isn't a current blueprint on file," Batman replied, "so we'll be going in blind, but I have managed to gather data on a list of purchases and deliveries to this address that paint a disturbing picture."

"How disturbing?" Flash asked.

"Games, toys, cartoons," Batman listed off and shook his head.

"Child trafficking," Flash said with a wince.

"Or worse," Batman agreed.

"Worse?" Kid Flash asked nervously.

"You may want to stay behind on this one," Flash said softly.

"No, whatever it is, I can take it," Kid Flash replied firmly.

"He's going to learn about the darker aspects of our work eventually," Batman told Flash.

"I know, I'd just hoped he'd be a bit older before it happened," Flash said with a heavy sigh.

"He has a commercial walk in freezer and refrigerator installed. They are usually used by family restaurants, not a warehouse with no commercial traffic."

"Meaning…" Kid Flash asked confused.

"Meaning they can store a lot of meat and since he's not running a restaurant," Flash said delicately, "and has stuff designed to keep children entertained…"

"Oh god!" Kid Flash said putting a hand over his mouth.

"Stay out of his kitchen," Flash said gently.

"I, yeah, ok," Kid Flash agreed, taking several deep breaths.

A machine beeped as the two speedsters stiffened, sensing the release of speed force energy nearby.

"He's in residence," Batman noted, "and there has been a slight increase in missing children over the last six months. It wasn't enough to put together, but now…"

"How are we doing this?" Flash asked intently, all signs of his usual joking persona gone.

"One in the front, one in the back, and I'll take the skylight." Batman said. "Wait for my signal."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

John leaned back on his sofa and relaxed, setting his laptop back on its charging pad and getting the remote for the widescreen TV in front of him. He hit the power button and navigated through the menu until he found the last episode of Naruto he'd been watching. Alarms went off and glass shattered, startling him, but as this was DC he'd been prepared for something like this so he was already in motion, assuming the worst.

The red fist that hit his stomach met reinforced Kevlar before he sped up and responded by placing a hand on Flash's head and forcing him back into normal speed.

Something heavy and plastic slammed into the back of his head, but the goalie helmet just shrugged it off as John spun around and swept Kid Flash's legs out from under him.

He didn't have time to pause and figure what was going on before several objects flew towards him thrown by a caped figure dropping through the air.

John didn't waste a nanosecond as he ran across the room and picked up several heavy, lead lined, blankets, foot swept an attacking Kid Flash once more, and flung them around the objects.

He had to foot sweep Kid Flash again before attacking Batman as he slowly landed on the floor of the warehouse, bending his knees to absorb the shock,

It took him a moment and two more foot sweeps of Kid Flash, who was not fast enough to avoid them, before he managed to undo Batman's utility belt, the shock it released useless against the heavy duty rubber electrician's gloves he wore.

The muffled thump, of whatever Batman had thrown exploding, floated back at him as he foot swept Kid Flash once more and worked on removing Batman's cape and gauntlets.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

It was over in an instant, as expected when dealing with a speedster, but not the way Batman would have preferred. By the time he straightened back up, his cape, gauntlets and utility belt were gone.

"My speeds gone!" Flash exclaimed, staring at his hands in shock as a black blur foot swept the yellow clad form of Kid Flash once more.

"His isn't!" Kid Flash yelped as he hit the ground yet again.

 ***Ring* *Ring***

"Hold on, I have to answer this," the villain said, taking off the goalie mask he'd been wearing and picking up his cell phone off the table, Flash's attempts to grab him landing the scarlet speedster face down on the sofa.

Kid Flash was foot swept once more making him groan and Batman's attempt to pull something out of his boot ended up with his boots missing.

"Hey Kevin, how's it going? Yeah, I got the next book ready. What's it about? Vampires. Probably not going to be an instant bestseller, but it's a solid book," the villain explained. He glared at Kid Flash as he saw the state of his laptop and foot swept him once more before placing Flash and Batman on the sofa. "I can have it emailed to you tonight if you like?"

Kid Flash hit the ground yet again and Flash seemed to be concentrating really hard on something with only Batman looking calm, alternately tensing and relaxing the muscles in his legs.

"I'm looking at long term book sales Kevin, if you want a mega hit trilogy, I can give you that, but I am not taking the blame for it," the villain said firmly.

Kid Flash remained sitting, looking to Batman and Flash to see what to do. Batman flashed him a hand sign to remain where he was, so he rubbed his ankles.

There was a flash of light and Superman appeared, quickly scanning the room.

The villain groaned making Batman smirk, but he merely held up a hand gesturing for Superman to hold on for a moment and pointed at the phone. "No, see the series is female targeted like you wouldn't believe, so pick a female ghostwriter, say mid 50's and I'll simply split the profits with her and she can be the face of it."

Batman signaled Superman, but he wasn't fast enough to catch the villain who moved around the room continuing the conversation as if nothing was going on.

"It's called Twilight," the villain admitted with a heavy sigh. "It will be swimming in estrogen based fantasies," he said as Kid Flash tried to help corral the man in black.

Batman and Flash got up, prepared to assist, but Kid Flash managed to divert the villains attention long enough for Superman to get a hand on his shoulder.

The man raised one eyebrow and stepped through the man of steel, before foot sweeping everyone standing. "Give me a week and I'll have the first the book ready for you," he promised. "Ok, that's great, bye."

"Will you stop that!" Kid Flash yelled.

"Stop attacking me and I will," the man in black replied reasonably before vanishing in a blur as he returned Batman and Flash to the sofa.

"I don't want to hurt you," Superman began.

"Then don't!" he snapped out. "Why are you attacking me anyway?!"

"You're a cannibal kid eater!" Kid Flash exclaimed, actually making the villain pause for a moment.

"I'm a what?!" he exclaimed in disbelief.

"Look in his freezer," Kid Flash told Superman.

Superman scanned the building. "I'm not seeing anything that would lead to that assumption."

"There has been an increase in missing children in this area and he has procured a large amount of toys and cartoons as well as having commercial cold storage units installed," Batman explained.

"They're called collectibles and anime," the black clad man replied, "not toys and cartoons!"

"There is little difference," Batman said.

"Yeah, there is," the man growled out, "and collecting stuff is not a crime!"

"What about the kids and freezer space?" Kid Flash demanded.

"I have no idea about the kids and my freezer is full, take a look," he snapped back.

Kid Flash opened the walk-in freezer and peeked inside the curiously before frowning and checking the walk-in the fridge. "That is a lot of Junk food."

"Enough for a year or so, I don't like to go out," the man in black replied.

"What about the Super speed?"

"What about it? I have it, end of story."

"People just don't gain superpowers and do nothing with them," Batman disagreed.

"Some do," the man in black said angrily. "They live normal lives and you don't find out about them because they never do anything!"

"We got some pretty solid readings that say you were doing something with it," Flash disagreed.

"I use it for household chores, writing, and power generation," he said. "All your readings should be located to my house, which you broke into when you attacked me!"

"There's no evidence of a crime?" Superman asked Batman.

"Not yet," Batman said retrieving his equipment and putting it back on before opening the side of his left gauntlet, revealing a curved screen. Picking up the remains of the laptop that Kid Flash had used to attempt to brain the villain, he tore the case apart and extracted the hard drive.

"What did you do to me?" Flash demanded.

"I removed your connection to the speed force," the man replied.

"Why didn't you remove mine?" Kid Flash asked around a fudgesicle he'd stolen from the freezer.

"You only have a partial connection, I don't know what removing it would do to you," the man in black explained.

"Well, how about restoring mine?" Flash asked.

"Yeah, no," he said. "You broke into my house and attacked me for no reason, I am not helping you."

"John King," Batman said as he accessed the hard drive and sifted through the data.

"Good writer, writes some really spooky horrors stories," Kid Flash said. "What about him?"

"It's my name, I'm a writer," John said.

"J.K Applegate," Batman said. "Which is you?"

"The writer of Animorphs?!" Kid Flash exclaimed.

"A pseudonym I use for my young adult series," John said, glad the DC universe didn't have any of the same authors his universe had.

"B-but you're famous!" Kid Flash exclaimed.

"And?" John asked. "So are all of you."

"It's not the same," Kid Flash disagreed, "you're a celebrity."

John rolled his eyes. "I write stories some people love and others hate, you risk your lives doing for free what we pay the government to do, we're both celebrities I'm just a little less likely to be attacked by Supervillains… or at least that was what I thought."

"We aren't supervillains!" Kid Flash exclaimed offended.

"Breaking and entering, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, destruction of private property-" John started listing off.

"An eight year old girl was reported missing six hours ago from a house less than a mile from here," Batman interrupted, "it's called probable cause."

"It's called having the power to break the law and ignore the constitution," John disagreed, "which means from where I sit you are all still Supervillains."

"We do our best to uphold the law and save lives," Superman said.

"Good intentions do not change the path you are on," John said bluntly.

"Our work is within the law," Superman assured him.

"It's a perversion of our constitutional rights regardless of what laws they tried to paper it over with," John disagreed. "Unless there is a constitutional amendment it is simply criminal conduct that the government has chosen not to prosecute and instead encourages because the more our rights are eroded the more power those in office have."

"Wow, you are cynical," Flash said.

"No, I'm realistic," John disagreed. "As the government expands, liberty contracts. I don't think anyone can argue with that."

"I've got nothing," Batman told Superman. "You?"

Superman scanned the converted warehouse carefully. "No, it's clean."

"I need my powers to work," Flash told John seriously.

"If you had gotten them in an accident, Kid Flash wouldn't have them as well," John pointed out. "So, get the formula and redo it."

"How did you get the formula?" Kid Flash asked. "I thought only my family had it."

"It's an old alchemical formula that certain Indian Shamans possess," John explained, "it's not something you family invented."

"You got the formula from a Native American Shaman?" Batman asked.

"I've said all I care to say on the matter," John said. "Now, where do I send the bill for property damages?"

"I'll have some repairmen sent over," Batman said.

"No," John disagreed. "I'd have to deal with whatever bugs and cameras you had installed while they were fixing things if I allowed that. I'll have my people fix it and send you the bill."

"I really need my powers," Flash said. "It would take me at least a week to redo the formula and stabilize my powers. I'm begging here. Please restore my powers, I don't want to see anyone hurt because I was unable to do my job."

"Fine," John said placing a hand on Flash's head and concentrating for a moment.

Flash got up and took a couple of cautious steps before becoming a red blur, cleaning up the mess they had made. "Thanks."

"How do you do that?" Kid Flash asked. "And what's wrong with my power?"

"No more questions," John said. "If everyone would please leave, I'd like to get back to my normal life."

"I don't know that I'd call this normal," Kid Flash said gesturing around the warehouse that looked like a game shop and media library.

"It's normal for me," John replied. "Now, isn't there a little girl you need to find?"

"Yeah," Flash agreed. "If it wasn't you then it was somebody else and it's already been six hours."

"Hard Drive," John requested holding out his hand. "I still have to email my editor my work."

Batman tossed the laptop hard drive to him and walked away.

"Why give yourself powers if this is all you're going to do with them?" Kid Flash asked.

"Why buy a gun if you aren't planning on shooting anyone? Why take CPR classes if you aren't going to become a lifeguard?" John asked rhetorically. "Now, go before I write you into my next novel just so I can have you killed off in a gruesome manner."

"Could you?" Kid Flash asked hopefully.

John chuckled. "Sure, I'll even make it heroic."

"John King novel or Animorphs?" Kid Flash asked excitedly.

"Animorphs," John replied, "they need some heroic deaths. I'll have you start off as a kid in a wheelchair who regains the use of his legs from morphing."

"So cool!"

"What do you think of Rachel?" John asked.

"She is my favorite female character," he said.

"I'll give you a one-sided crush she doesn't see until after you sacrifice yourself to save her," John promised.

Flash had to drag Kid Flash away.

"Sorry for the mixup," Superman apologized. "For all our powers, we aren't perfect, and we do make mistakes."

"I understand," John said. "Still doesn't change my argument on the legality of it, but at least your morals are solid, which is always comforting in someone with power."

"Thank you," Superman said waving before he flew out of the skylight.

 **Three Months Later**

Kid Flash picked up the latest Animorphs book with a grin and started to read it.

"You do know those are kids books right?" Robin asked, as he dropped onto the sofa next to him.

Kid Flash was about to respond when he paused and considered something. "And how would you know that, unless you read them yourself?"

Robin shook his head and then grinned. "Tobias is awesome."

"I prefer Marco, but they are all cool," Kid Flash said. "Anyway, the author promised to give me a heroic death in the next one."

"What? But no one knows who the author is," Robin said.

"I do and you wouldn't believe it if I told you," Kid Flash said. "Also, it was on a mission, so I can't tell you."

"Dude, seriously?"

"Batman knows, ask him."

"Hard pass," Robin said.

Kid Flash started reading the book, moving faster and faster until he was a blur. It took him less time to finish the book than it took Robin's popcorn to pop in the microwave. "Dude that was awesome!" Kid Flash said with a cheer. "He even gave me some Rachel moments as promised."

"Really? Cool," Robin said. "So, you done with it?"

"Never! I love this series!"

"I mean, can I borrow it," Robin explained as the microwave beeped.

"Oh, sure," Kid Flash said handing it to him and making a run at Robin's popcorn.

"Pop me some more," Robin said, unsurprised.

Artemis, Aqualad, Superboy, and Miss Martian entered the lounge having finished their training.

"Animorphs? Isn't that a kid's book?" Artemis teased.

"Then how do you know about it?" Robin asked, not looking up.

"Don't knock it, the series is awesome," Kid Flash said.

"I like Ax," Miss Martian offered.

"I like the Dog androids," Superboy added.

"Fine," Artemis admitted, "I read it too."

"I haven't read a lot of surface novels," Aqualad said, "is it a good series?"

"It's supposed to be a kids series, but it got deep fast," Robin said. He paused. "Wally?"

"Yeah?" Kid Flash asked, stopping with a handful of popcorn halfway to his mouth.

"You are in this book," Robin said.

"Yeah, I know," Kid Flash replied

"No, I mean 'you' are in this book," Robin repeated.

"Yeah, I know," Kid Flash repeated.

"You Wally West are in this book in your civilian identity," Robin clarified.

"Yeah… How did he know?" Kid Flash asked paling.

"So, you didn't tell him your secret identity?" Robin asked.

"No, no I didn't," Kid Flash said worriedly. "I thought he was just going to make a character kinda like me, I didn't realize… The Name, the description, the jokes… it's me!"

"Someone has discovered your secret identity?" Aqualad asked intently.

"Yeah," Kid Flash agreed stunned. "How did he know?"

"Let's go ask him," Aqualad said, standing up.

Kid Flash winced. "Um… last time we 'ran' into each other he kinda took down me, my uncle, Batman and ignored Superman."

"What?" Superboy asked.

"He is a speedster and he stopped us all cold and ghosted through Superman," Kid Flash admitted.

"So, he's a supervillain?" Robin asked.

"No, he's a writer," Kid Flash said, "but we'd mistaken him for a supervillain. It ended with apologies on our side and paying for the stuff we broke."

"So, he's a hero?" Superboy asked.

"No, he's a writer with super speed," Kid Flash said. "I think he thinks what we do is immoral because we don't obey the constitution or something."

"So, a direct confrontation is not advisable?" Aqualad asked.

"I may get a better response by simply asking him," Kid Flash admitted.

"He really stopped everyone cold?" Robin asked.

"As ice," Kid Flash said with a shiver recalling his uncle having his powers removed.

"If we got close enough, Megan could read his mind," Robin noted.

"That would probably be safer," Kid Flash said relieved.

"How did he stop all of you?" Superboy asked as they head towards the Martian craft.

"He removed my Uncle's power with a touch, not sure how, and then kept sweeping my feet out from under me because he was faster than me," Kid Flash admitted. "He took away all of Batman's stuff as he landed on the ground."

"Speedsters are dangerous," Robin said, "but you'd think that Batman would have something set up to prevent this."

"He wore heavy rubber gloves, there were a lot of sparks," Kid Flash explained.

"And Superman?" Superboy asked.

"He tends to use minimal force, so he doesn't hurt someone accidentally," Kid Flash explained, recalling the after-action report. "Superman doesn't have enough speed to catch him and when I helped coral him, he did that vibrating trick of uncle erm… The Flash."

"I don't think we'd fare well against him in direct combat, so we'll have to be sneaky," Robin said with a smirk.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

John raised an eyebrow as he saw the group of teens who were delivering and setting up his pool table and new entertainment center. "You guys better have just bribed the normal delivery people and not assaulted them."

Realizing the jig was up Robin turned and called out, "Miss Martian now!"

After a few seconds in which John just looked at them and tapped his foot, everyone turned to the redhead and saw that she appeared frozen.

"What did you do?!" Superboy demanded, dropping into a fighting stance.

"I wrote a series of stories starring her as the main character," John replied. "I'm a writer, it's what I do."

"What?" Artemis asked.

"She's reading my mind, so I am feeding her a series of stories involving her and… a certain guy she knows. It's a mix of Romance and Comedy, with life lessons that explain human culture from an outside perspective," John explained. "She is too fascinated to tear herself away."

"So, she's not in any danger," Artemis realized

"Is there a reason you've all invaded my place?" John asked impatiently.

"You revealed Kid Flash's identity!" Aqualad declared.

"What? Where?" John asked confused.

"In your latest book," Robin pointed out.

Miss Martian giggled, and everyone turned to face her and saw she was blushing.

"No, I didn't," John said, dragging everything back on track, "nothing I wrote connects Wally to Kid Flash at all."

"But how did you know who I was!?" Kid Flash demanded.

"I'm a writer," John said, "and for the life of me I have no idea how it is anyone of the cape set has a secret identity. It's all blindingly obvious who everyone is… even when they aren't coming to my home to show me in person."

"We did not think this out," Aqualad realized.

Miss Martian sniffed, and a tear rolled down her face.

At Superboy's glare John quickly said, "Don't break anything, she just got to a sad part of the story."

"How did you know to prepare for her in advance?" Robin asked suspiciously.

"Speedster," he reminded then.

"And?" Superboy asked.

"The moment you all walked in the door I realized who you were and prepared my mental defense. Super speed means I had all the time in the world."

"I should have just called," Kid Flash groaned.

"Yes, you should have," John agreed, "but at least you didn't break anything this time."

"There is that," Kid Flash admitted embarrassed.

"So now what?" Superboy asked.

"That Bastard!" Miss Martian exclaimed, but everyone ignored her.

"Now you finish setting up my pool table and entertainment center," John said. "After that I sweep for any high tech bugs Robin might have accidentally dropped or scrying sigils Aqualad might have coincidentally made."

"I'm not a student of that branch of sorcery," Aqualad said.

"Still doesn't hurt to check," John replied.

"What happened?" Miss Martian asked, blinking and looking around.

"He prepared a mental defense to distract you and then he lectured us," Superboy said annoyed.

"I'm a writer, we love to hear ourselves talk as that's basically what we do all the time, just in print," John said amused.

"I.. I can't believe I fell for that," Miss Martian said with a groan.

"I can't believe you went straight for the fluffy Romance story and ignored the Hentai," John said.

"Hentai?" she asked confused.

"A more adult version of what you read," John said, "and without as many life lessons."

"You wrote a Hentai version?" Artemis asked in disbelief.

"A' no, I wrote a dozen," John answered her. "I don't know Miss Martian's taste, so I had to cover a wide variety to make sure I caught her."

"Let's just go assemble everything," Robin said with a sigh.

"She's gone again," Kid Flash repeated as Miss Martian turned bright red.

 **Typing by:** _ **A tortured Soul… the lost spirit of Dangasaur**_

 **TN: YOU BASTARDS WHO THE *BEEP***

 **AN: Someone mentioned that I don't complain about Superheroes breaking the law as much as other writers do, so I thought about what my character would be like if he had that mindset. The answer appears to be 'dull' because he wouldn't engage in heroics as he'd consider it a criminal act. He may seem a bit like a Gary-Stu but that's mainly because he already knows what is possible with the power he has, so he was able to prepare for some situations in advance not to mention how broken Super speed is in DC.**


	16. Marked 3

**Marked 3**

 **Previous chapters YEMF44, YSTEMF20**

Xander had taken Tara to the state park and walked the trails with her. The park was wonderful, filled with life and the beauty of nature. The only downside had been the fact that since she was no longer hiding her demonic nature, she attracted lustful gazes everywhere she went.

Xander had stuck close to her and scared off anyone who had gotten too close and made her nervous. Was it strange that she felt a warmth in her chest from how protective he was? She wasn't sure. It was nice to be valued and have someone who both said and acted like they cared, he even projected the emotions to match, which was comforting even though they had to be lies.

"Tomorrow we'll head into town and check out that magic shop," Xander told her as he followed her into the RV parking area and opened the door to the motorhome.

Tara nodded shyly, a small smile on her face as she climbed inside. They'd used the campground toilets to shower and had a couple of burgers while watching the sun set. It was time for bed and she was both yearning and dreading what would happen next.

Xander changed the table and benches into a bed and retrieved extra blankets and pillows from the closet. It had been a long day and he was worn out. "Your bed is up there," Xander said, pulling back the curtain in the small section over the front seats where the smaller bed was.

"Oh," Tara said surprised. She stripped down to her shift, blushing at how little privacy there was in the small RV. She obediently climbed into the bed over the cab and laid down.

Xander stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, looking forward to a good night's sleep. The last week had been hectic and he'd barely gotten four hours sleep a night while scrambling to get the resources to rescue Tara. He made a mental note that next time he made a wish he'd include the resources to do the job.

He was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

Tara laid in bed waiting for something to happen. She wasn't sure what, but surely she wasn't going to spend her first night after being kidnapped by a demon quietly sleeping, right?

After almost half an hour had passed, she peeked out of the curtains and saw he was asleep. Maybe it was a trick? She thought about it but couldn't see what the trick could be.

She watched him sleep for a few minutes before she realized she was waiting for him to come and get her. For an evil demon he was being surprisingly patient. Maybe he was waiting for something?

Maybe she was supposed to go to him? Tara's heart beat loudly in her ears as she slowly slipped out of bed and climbed down into the cab. She was a succubus, of course she was supposed to go to him.

Tara slowly tiptoed towards the sleeping demon. She was ready to fulfill her destiny and put an end to all her doubts once and for all!

Looking at him sleeping peacefully, illuminated by the moonlight through the window she could almost believe he was just a man, but her demonic senses told her otherwise.

Taking a deep breath she stripped off her shift and crawled onto the bed. He was so deeply asleep that he didn't stir even when she lifted up the covers and slid in next to him.

Tara could feel the heat he radiated just inches away from her. She hesitated to cross those final few inches and cursed her timidity. She reminded herself that she was a demoness created for the sole purpose of fornication and corrupting good men like her daddy.

With those comforting thoughts in mind Tara decisively scooted right next to him and laid an arm across his chest.

Xander instinctively turned and wrapped his arms around her cuddling her to him.

Tara lost herself to the sensation of warm skin, and the musky smell of the demon. It was everything she'd been hoping for. Feeling comfortable and safe all the tension she'd built up drained away and she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Xander woke up slowly, noting a weight on his chest. Glancing down at the shimmering black hair and then up at the open curtain he realized Tara must have climbed into bed with him.

It was not something he'd expected, but if Tara had felt lonely and didn't want to sleep alone he could hardly begrudge her. He was a bit surprised, to put it mildly, that she already felt comfortable enough to sleep next to him, but he supposed getting away from the poisonous and repressive place she'd called home would have improved anyone's outlook.

"Morning Tara," he said as she slowly stirred.

Tara froze as she realized where she was until she recalled how she'd gotten there. "Morning," she said softly.

"How does breakfast sound?" he asked cheerfully.

While she was relieved that he wasn't upset at her actions her arms tightened around him not wanting to move yet. It felt good to be held. She was a succubus so obviously she needed intimate contact and there was a gnawing hunger that wasn't yet satisfied.

"Or we could lay here for a few more hours," Xander offered.

"Yes," Tara said softly.

"Any idea on what you'd like to do today?" Xander asked. "I figure we'd find an IHOP for breakfast then head for a magic shop. Not sure what to do after that, I mean my whole goal was to get you. Now that I've got you, I don't have anything else planned."

"I hop?" Tara asked.

"The international house of pancakes," Xander explained.

"Oh," she said, her stomach growled but she ignored it. Hunger for food was nothing new, having been forced to fast many times, the hunger she was feeding right now was more important.

"We can eat and then come back to bed," Xander offered.

"Really?" she asked doubtfully, recalling all the broken promises her life had been littered with, from her father's promises of the church providing solutions, to her mother's promises that she would be fine.

"I 'Alexander Lavell Harris' do swear on all that I hold sacred, that if you feel the need to be held, I will do my best to fulfill it," Xander swore melodramatically, thinking he'd get a giggle out of her.

"I… suppose," Tare said slowly and her arms loosened but she'd scarcely lifted a few centimeters away before she lunged back down and gripped him even tighter. "Food isn't that important," she said hopefully, her legs wrapping around one of his as well.

"I have bottled water and granola bars in the RV," Xander said. "It's a bit light for breakfast, but it will do for now."

"Ok," Tara said.

"So, I can get them?" Xander asked.

"Yes," Tara agreed.

"Are you going to let go?"

"No," Tara admitted.

"So, I need to get food and water without letting you go," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Yes," Tara agreed.

"I can handle that," Xander said. "Ok, what we'll do is move your legs around my waist and I'll carry you to the cabinet and back, Ok?"

"Alright," Tara said.

Xander slowly sat up, Tara keeping an iron grip on him. "How long has it been since you've been held?" he asked softly.

"Since before Mama got sick," Tara whispered. "Three years… maybe a little more."

His arms tightened around her. He couldn't imagine going a week without a hug or some form of friendly or affectionate contact, much less three years!

"I… I started to affect the men folk," Tara said shamefully, "touching me would just be asking for trouble, papa said."

Sitting up he buried his face in her hair and stroked her back, which was a lot barer then he'd expected but didn't matter to him at the moment. "Looks like we are spending the day in bed."

"Really?"

"Really," he said firmly, making a mental note to send as much legal problems her father's way as possible. He made sure to keep an arm around her as he removed the blanket and scooted down the bed, so he could stand up.

Tara shivered a little and squeezed him tighter.

It only took a minute to retrieve a half dozen bottles of water and a box of granola bars before returning to the bed and lying back down.

Tara relaxed a little once they were under the covers once more and she had her legs wrapped around one of his. "Can… can you stroke my back some more?"

"I'll do it while you eat a granola bar," Xander bargained.

"Ok," Tara agreed.

Xander unwrapped a granola bar and passed it to her. Once she took it, he softly stroked her back, alternating hands so one stopped as the other began.

Tara's eyes closed and she sighed, feeling happier than she'd recalled feeling before.

"Eat," Xander reminded her. After a few minutes of silence Xander asked, "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Why me?" Tara asked softly. "There are other women in my family. Beth is a lot more… outgoing."

"You deserved to be rescued," Xander said. "You see… I'm not exactly from around here."

"I noticed," Tara admitted.

"I remember things that haven't happened yet," Xander explained.

"You can see the future?"

"I can see one future that happened when I couldn't see the future," Xander said. "I don't get updates or anything, just the one future that will no longer happen."

"So, you know everything you would have learned your entire life?" she asked curiously, thinking of having all the knowledge and skills she would ever learn available right now.

"That would be useful," Xander said, "but sadly I just have over four years or so, maybe a bit closer to five."

"Having instant knowledge of four years of college would be wonderful," Tara said wistfully, knowing her family would have never allowed her to go to college and not sure if demons bothered with it.

"I didn't go to college, I got a job in construction and became a foreman," Xander said, "but I also met a lot of people during that time and one of the people I met was you."

"Me?" she blurted out surprised. He knew her after she'd became a demon?

"Yes, you," Xander said. "I remember how miserable your family made you and I decided you didn't need to go through that when I could prevent it, so here I am."

"What kind of relationship did we have?" she asked, suddenly finding the answer really important. What were relationships between demons like? Were they anything like humans?

"You were seeing someone else on and off," Xander said tactfully, "but you were always my friend and my friends are the most important people in my life." He stroked her back.

"We didn't date?" she asked disappointed, but happy to learn that demons had friends.

"I would have said yes in a second," Xander told her, "but you were already seeing someone. Anyway, that's minus a bunch of secrets, pretty much the whole story. I knew the future, I changed the future and now we return to the Mouth of Hell and get enrolled in school."

"We're going to Hell?" she asked, while wondering what kind of schools they had. Corruption 101, Fornication for beginners, Legal Possession Pre-law?

"The Mouth of Hell," Xander explained, "Sunnydale California, a small town that sits atop a closed portal to hell."

Tara wrinkled her nose, recalling what her family and the people in church had said about California. "Hell sounds better."

Xander laughed. "I have it on good authority that Hell sucks as much for the demons as it does the humans, though there are still a number of demons who haven't gotten the memo, so I spend a lot of time trying to keep the Hellmouth closed."

"You spend your time preventing the End of Days?" she asked in shock.

"Some of it," Xander said, "in between work or school and hunting vampires."

"You hunt vampires?" she asked, wondering if that was a common demonic hobby.

"I hunt anything that is hurting people," Xander said. "Vampires killed a friend of mine, so I may have some anger issues in that direction."

"So, you like the world as it is, just with less vampires and… more people?" she asked, thinking Xander was a very complex demon.

"Some of my best friends are human," Xander joked with a grin. "But seriously, most vampires and demons I could do without. There are only a couple of vampires I find even tolerable and most peaceful demon races avoid the Hellmouth."

"Peaceful demon races?" Tara asked curiously.

"While individual demons may vary, most Brachen are stand up guys," Xander said recalling Cordelia telling him about Doyle. "They intermarry with humans so much the only way to tell them apart is that they transform when they sneeze and when you get below a quarter Brachen they don't even do that. Strong and tough, nose like a bloodhound, but often have drinking problems. Me personally, I avoid drinking; too many alcoholics in my family."

'Ah, he's part Brachen,' Tara realized, deciding she'd have to read up on all the different demon breeds if she got the chance. She smiled at the thought that maybe he wasn't acting and the reason his aura was so at odds with his behavior was because of his demon blood.

"I should probably get some books on the subject," Xander said thoughtfully. "I don't have much of a library at the moment and I'm kinda used to having at least a decent reference section on magic and demonology."

"What about science and literature?" Tara asked, thinking of all the books she'd seen but wasn't allowed to check out of the library because they were 'trash and nonsense.'

"I mostly went for practical books," Xander admitted. "Which reminds me…"

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Tara stared around her fascinated. Ingredients her mother used sparingly, hand crafted tools, and books of forbidden knowledge filled the shelves around her.

"Anything you want, just bring it to the counter," Xander told her. "Don't worry about the cost, it's on me."

Tara nodded. He had been spending a lot of money on her since kidnapping her, far more money than her father ever had in fact. When the preacher had been talking about the wages of sin, she had never imagined it would include paying for her books, else she probably would have fallen into the devil's hands even faster than she currently seemed to be.

Xander smiled at seeing Tara showing hints of life and curiosity. Turning away he started browsing the shelves himself, looking for anything of interest. Recalling some of the things they had run across in the future, he picked up several books on protection magics and easy to use rituals. He hadn't even realized they'd made 'for dummies' magic books.

Tara looked at the stack of books on the counter and then at the stack in her hands. Was she being too greedy?

Xander placed a stack of books on top of the ones she'd set on the counter and then took the ones out of her hands to place on those. "Don't forget the herbs," he reminded her.

Tara stepped forward and hugged him tightly, like a shameless hussy, not even caring that they were in public.

"Flowers are cheaper," a college aged man noted with a grin.

"Books don't wilt," Xander replied as he held the ecstatic witch.

The woman next to the man elbowed him. "Take notes Harry," she told him, "that's the proper way for a man to treat his girl."

"And yet you don't treat me like that in public," Harry retorted.

"You don't buy me stacks of books," she replied.

"What would you do if I bought you a stack of books like that?" he asked curiously.

She smirked. "I wouldn't let you out of bed for days."

"Suddenly I feel the need to buy a lot of books," Harry said brightly.

Tara slowly released Xander, blushing bright red. She hadn't even been aware one could whore themselves out for books. On considering the matter, she decided it was probably a good thing she hadn't known until now.

"Let's finish up here and get some lunch," Xander said.

"Ok, but then straight to bed," Tara said firmly.

"A whole lot of Books!" Harry told his girlfriend.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5 (so happy to see this one picked back up, and still a complete lack of proper communication, I feel like I need to be snacking on popcorn while reading this)**


	17. Marked 4

**Marked 4**

 **Previous chapters YEMF044, YSEMF020, ANYASEMF016**

Tara barely restrained herself from dancing as they reached the motorhome with a large stack of books, though it was a near thing.

"Let's find a nice park and get some reading done, sound good?" Xander asked.

Tara signed yes with a bright smile, making Xander laugh. Being a succubus was wonderful! She got snuggles and books! Sinful thoughts about finding a way to combine the two made her knees tremble for a second and her breath shudder. She was thankful that Xander was opening the door and hadn't noticed.

"I saw a park on the map that isn't too far away," Xander said, "we could get some drinks and spend the afternoon reading in the park."

"I-I'd like that," Tara said softly.

"Then that's what we'll do," Xander said, waving her into the motorhome.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Xander laid out a blanket for them to sit on beneath a tall tree so they could lean up against it while they read. A picnic basket and a stack of books was set down and made them blend in with the college crowd, though probably only about a third of them were studying.

He sat down and patted the blanket next to him for Tara to sit. The sound of laughing students and random discussions filled the air as the two settled in to read. He noticed Tara was occasionally distracted by the way the students dressed and behaved, which he could understand considering her upbringing, but he was soon completely absorbed by reading.

Tara scooted a little closer to Xander every few minutes while pretending to shift because she had noticed a particularly loud laugh or brightly dressed whore. It took nearly ten minutes for her to subtly move close enough to almost touch him when she noticed a barely dressed girl with sluttishly large breasts eyeing him. Gathering up her courage she grabbed his arm and put it around her.

Xander was briefly surprised when Tara pulled his arm around her, but then he recalled how she'd been this morning and set his book to the side. He gently scooped her up and put her in his lap. "So, what are we reading?"

"The-The use of common he-herbs to treat spiritual maladies," Tara stuttered out a little, leaning back into his embrace. A quick glance showed the whore had moved onto easier prey and she smiled.

"What kind of spiritual maladies do people commonly suffer from?" Xander asked curiously. He slowly drew her into talking about what she knew on the subject and the two discussed what she was reading.

Dandelions bloomed in a ten foot circle around the pair, squirrels and birds put in an appearance and ate all their chips unnoticed by them.

Hours later he felt Tara shiver and realized the sun was setting. "Time for dinner," Xander decided, reluctantly picking Tara up off his lap. "What would you like to eat?"

Tara shrugged.

"Would you like to go to a restaurant?" he offered, as he gathered up their things. Tara wrinkled her nose. "Or we could pick up something to go and eat in the motorhome."

"I-I'd like that," Tara said quickly.

"Then that's what we'll do," he said taking her hand and lacing his fingers through her own.

The blushing girl smiled as they returned to the motorhome.

"Tonight, I will introduce you to the wonder of Mexican food," Xander said, "or pizza if you prefer."

"I like pizza," Tara said, recalling the school cafeteria serving it a few times though not regularly.

"Pizza it is then," Xander said. "Any preference for toppings?"

"There are different toppings?" she asked with surprise.

"I'll get us a meat lovers and a Hawaiian pizza," Xander said, "then you can experience it for yourself."

 **After dinner**

"I love pizza," Tara said with a half lidded gaze that he'd usually only seen on a girl's face after sex.

"It is great," Xander agreed. "Let's get a motel room for tonight, I feel like a nice hot shower and a comfy bed."

"The beds in here are comfy," Tara assured him.

"Comfy enough," he agreed, "mainly I like the shower."

Tara nodded, the feeling of hot water pouring on you from above with a door that locked was much more comfy than a bath in tepid water and a door that never seemed to stay shut, like at home.

Xander paid for a double and pulled the motorhome into the center of the lot under one of the light poles. No one was likely to bother it there and he wouldn't have to back out of a space in the morning. He loved the motorhome but backing out of a parking space was a bitch and a half.

Tara gathered a few books and some herbs along with a change of clothes, while Xander grabbed a change of clothes and toiletries. He didn't even notice his backpack that he kept slaying supplies in was already on his shoulder, the habit of keeping it close at hand habitual at this point.

The motel room was a bit worn, but clean and Tara could feel the laughter of children and strong family bonds that permeated the place as it was a favored stopping spot for families who wanted to go to the park but did not like camping. Feeling such strong bonds was bittersweet considering how weak the ones in her own family were, but then demons probably don't feel familial bonds as deeply as humans do she realized.

"Do you want the first shower?" Xander offered.

"You go first," Tara told him before she started examining the room and taking a few candles out of her bag.

"Alright, I'll try not to use up all the hot water," Xander joked.

Tara didn't get the joke but smiled anyway feeling the humor behind it. As the bathroom door closed she quickly lit the candles and pulled out several of the ingredients they'd bought earlier that day.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Xander relaxed under the warmth of the spray, before grabbing the soap and working up a lather. As was his habit, he began to hum only to break out into song, "It's fun to stay at the YMCA! It's fun to stay at the YMCA!"

"Great acoustics," Xander said while he was drying off, noting that it made his voice sound a bit deeper and richer in tone.

Putting on a pair of clean boxers with teddy bears on them and a simple white shirt he exited the bathroom. "Bathroom's open," he said. Smelling the air, he realized she'd probably cast a cleansing or protection spell of some kind.

Tara nodded, averting her eyes from his but smiling as she entered the bathroom. The spell had worked! 'Was using magic still evil if you used it to remove evil from the world?' she wondered to herself as she closed the door behind her.

Tara stared at the lock button for a moment, unsure if she wanted him to come in while she was showering or not, before reminding herself that she was a demon so sinful behavior like mixed bathing was perfectly natural. Besides, maybe he'd wash her hair again, that had been nice.

Despite her hopes he didn't come in while she was showering, which was a bit of a relief, but also disappointing. 'I should have come in while he was showering,' she realized. Apparently as a succubus she was supposed to make not only the first move, but all the moves. It was so unfair, but a bit nice as well as she'd get to move things along at a pace she felt comfortable with, which being an incarnation of lust, would likely be a bit faster than he would choose.

He was already in bed when she came out, though not asleep yet as he had the bedside lamp on and was reading a book.

Tara smiled at the sight in the dimly lit room. She quietly retrieved a book for herself and set it on the nightstand before taking a deep breath and removing her shift. Dressed only in a bra and panties she lifted up the covers and slid in next to him.

Xander was surprised for a moment at Tara's actions but realized he shouldn't have been. She had been starved of simple human affection and touch for years. So naturally she was going to fill the need with whoever she felt safe with and that happened to be him. The trust she was showing him gave him a warm feeling in his chest and helped him push his libido down. Thankfully the high waisted granny panties and torso covering old fashioned bra helped. 'After all she's gone through, I must seem like an angel to her,' Xander thought, turning to the side in the small bed and cuddling with her. "So, what are we reading tonight?"

Snug in the arms of her demon Tara lived out her naughtiest fantasy… Tara turned and wordlessly tugged on his shirt. Once Xander had removed it the young succubus snuggled deep into his embrace and grabbed her book. "Demons of North America," she said quietly, practically radiating happiness.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"We gotta get up," Xander said shaking her gently.

"No," Tara said nuzzling his chest.

"While I do love snuggling with you, I need to pee," Xander told her.

"Ok," Tara said, letting him go.

"I'll be right back," he promised.

"Ok," Tara said with a small pout that vanished as soon as he'd returned and slid under the covers, so he could snuggle with her.

"We have a couple more hours until we have to get up," Xander said, "is that sufficient snuggling time for today?" He grinned and gave her a squeeze.

"Maybe," Tara said, soaking in the warmth, "it seems to take a lot of snuggling to keep a succubus fed."

Xander laughed and rolled onto his back so she was laying on his chest. He gently stroked her back and she sighed happily. It was good to see her opening up enough to make a joke. "Any time you feel hungry just let me know, cause I quite like this."

"Ok," she said feeling a bit stronger and less uncertain now that she'd admitted aloud what she was. Of course, it really helped the she was with a fellow demon or part demon as he'd mentioned.

 **Two hours, and not one second less, later…**

Tara got up and stretched, blushing as she realized how little she was wearing in the brightly lit room, right in front of Xander and hurried to get dressed in the bathroom.

Xander got dressed and packed up their things, amused by how Tara, shy little Tara, could be surprisingly aggressive, but only in certain situations. It was just so cute!

Her death had hit just as hard as Joyce's, if not harder, so was it any wonder that when offered a wish, even by The Hoff himself, he'd taken it?

He was given a single task in exchange for being sent to the past and it wasn't even one he disagreed with.

Tara came out of the bathroom, breaking his train of thought.

"Are you ready?" Xander asked while slowly making the correct hand signs.

"Yes, I'm ready," Tara said while carefully signing back, copying the last hand sign from him as he hadn't taught it to her before and looking to him for approval.

Xander smiled and nodded. "We can pick up something to eat on the road.

"What is Sunnydale like?" Tara asked as they left.

"On the surface it is the perfect little town to raise a family," he replied as he locked the door and they crossed the lot to where he'd parked. "Beneath the surface it's the perfect trap to lure in people for the vampires to feed on and beneath that… is yet another layer of danger that makes the vampires seem like cockroaches."

"R-really?" Tara asked nervously, as he unlocked the motorhome.

"It's easy to stay in the top level," Xander assured her, "all you have to do is not go out at night and ignore anything out of the ordinary. I really suck at that for some reason." He followed her inside and they both stowed their clothing and slipped into the front seats.

"Why live there?" she asked, as he started up the vehicle.

"Because it's easier to stop bad things from happening when you are where they happen," Xander said after a moment of thought. "I've been told I could live a normal life, have a wife, kids etc… and just stay out of it, but I'm just not built that way. I hear a scream coming from a dark alley, I run towards it."

Tara nodded as he pulled out into traffic. She supposed Brachen demons were really tough if a quarter Brachen could do that and survive. The more she leaned about him, the better she liked him, even if his aura was the stuff of nightmares.

Xander flipped on the radio looking for a good song to sing along to.

Tara tensed, but as he began to sing Guns and Roses' sweet child of mine, she relaxed and smiled, humming along to the unfamiliar tune.

 **Lunchtime**

They pulled into a rest stop on the middle of the Salt Flats in Utah. It was absolutely flat for miles in every direction.

"How?" Tara asked stunned.

"Well," Xander said slowly, "either I am the worst navigator since Moses, or someone is messing with us. I'm going to say the second is more likely."

"That's more the why than the how," a girl's voice spoke up from behind them.

Spinning around Xander saw a young girl, who looked like Alice from Alice in Wonderland, though her hair was red and eyes green. "If you start singing any nursery rhymes we are out of here."

"I don't even know what that means," she said, confused.

Xander sighed. "Who are you and why did you do this?"

"My name is Reflections of Truth in Moonlight and I'm a go between for mortals and The Ones Above All," she explained. "I redirected you here because your resurrecting a second slayer would… break things, like this world."

Xander thought about that for a second. "I'm going to call you Alice."

"Mortals are so weird," Alice complained.

"Kendra is scheduled to die and I have enough emergency medical experience to keep her hanging on long enough to be medically resurrected by the ER doctors," Xander guessed.

"Yes, that had been foreseen," Alice agreed. "We need you not to do it or the End of Days will be here before the new year."

"You have no idea what subtlety is, do you?" Xander asked.

Alice frowned. "But Whistler said it would be best to be straightforward with you otherwise you would do something stupid and unforeseen."

"Not what I meant and he was right," Xander said. "What I mean is, why not send the slayer spirit on the instant a slayer's death become unavoidable? If you did that then there is no chance of further splitting the slayers line and my resuscitating her isn't a problem."

"That would constitute interference," Alice said while absently playing with a lock of hair.

"You have my permission in this case," Xander assured her.

"I think I'd need a little bit more than just a mortal's permission to mess with the balance," she said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.

"You're looking at it the wrong way," Xander said.

"A lower being is going to explain matters of balance to me?" she asked in stark disbelief her eyes turning silver for a moment.

"Yes, I am," Xander said. "You are not allowed to force people to obey you, requiring willing consent to act directly on this plane. I am giving you willing consent to use your powers in this manner."

Alice crossed her legs and sat on the air as she chewed a nail and thought about it. "That… would work," she decided. "It would be up to you to save her life, Kendra Young would no longer be our responsibility."

"Agreed," Xander said. "The instant Drusilla's fangs touch her skin the slayer spirit moves on to Faith Lehane as planned."

"Agreed," the little redhead said, vanishing.

Xander turned to Tara and saw how pale she looked. "You have a lot of questions?" he guessed.

Tara simply nodded.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"From the way you spoke of him I thought he'd be harder to manipulate or would do something I didn't expect… like attempt to shave my head," Alice told Whistler.

"As long as they think they have the upper hand, mortals are pretty easy to manipulate," Whistler assured her. "It's when they feel pressured or cornered, they do strange things."

She nodded. "Drusilla will not receive the additional strength she would have gotten for draining another slayer and Faith's activation will not be in the midst of getting raped and her accidentally killing the boy. A net gain for our side. Why did the other side agree to this?"

"The First Evil burned a lot of bridges," Whistler said smugly, "secure in its superiority."

"And those same forces it burned before would side with us just to burn it in return," Alice said with a nod. "Is that why you treat the lower beings the way you do, so such a thing, no matter how unlikely, will never happen to you?"

"I've seen lower beings rise up to become Powers, and Powers cast down to become lower beings," Whistler said, "so it is possible, but mainly… I appear weak to encourage them to grow strong, and kindness doesn't really cost me anything, so when I can I try and help out a little. It doesn't take a lot, just a subtle nudge to put people on the right track sometimes."

Alice nodded. "Lower beings could use all the help they can get."

"Exactly," Whistler said with a grin as Alice called up an image of Xander and Tara and watched the pair interact.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"So, you were giving advice to an angel," Tara said after a quick explanation, "not a little girl."

"No reason she can't be both," Xander said.

"A child angel?" Tara asked surprised.

"Power and knowledge beyond our comprehension," Xander said, "life experience of just a few years."

"So, her appearance was her real form?" Tara tried to wrap her mind around the concept.

"She gave us her name, part of which is 'truth', so her appearance and actions will likely always carry a good degree of truth to them," Xander explained. "Her real form may be some huge being of light and mist but transformed into a human form she's an adorable little girl."

"Why did you insist on calling her Alice?" Tara asked.

"Because she should get out of the habit of giving her true name down here," Xander said. "Whistler's true name isn't Whistler, he uses it because you never know who is listening down here."

"So, you weren't doing it just to annoy her?" Tara asked.

"I tease the people I like, especially if they need it," Xander admitted, "but in this case I'm just giving her a little nudge to pay attention to opsec, operational security."

"Nudging an angel?" Tara asked in disbelief.

"This world only works because we help each other," Xander said, "that's the big difference between us and them. It's not labels like demon or angel, it's what we choose to do. So, maybe my nudge wasn't needed and she already knew, but I still had to try and if I only managed to annoy her, that's okay too." Xander grinned. "I'm told patience and serenity are hallmarks of higher beings."

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: I have a plot! How did this happen?**

 **TN: I have no idea how you got a plot, but I'm glad to hear it. And the delicious misunderstandings continue.**

 **TN2: For anyone who hasn't figured out what spell Tara cast go read the first couple of chapters, and you should be able to figure it out.**


	18. Failed Chapters

**Xander and Cordy Make a Porno**

"What are your thoughts on it?" Cordelia asked Xander as they were all gathered around the posted testing results.

"On what?" Xander replied distractedly as he wrote in a notebook.

"On our job prospects, duh!" she said rolling her eyes.

"I don't know I was thinking plumber, pool boy, maybe pizza delivery," Xander said as he wrote.

"You watch a lot of porn, don't you?" Cordelia deadpanned.

"A fair amount," he replied before finishing up what he was writing and turning to the postings. "Hey, they have our career assessments up."

"You are in your own little world when you're writing," Cordelia complained.

"It's easier to paint," Xander said as he scanned the board. "Alright!"

"What did you get…fluffer?" she snarked.

"My, you seem to know a lot about porn yourself," Xander fired back.

Cordelia shrugged. "I had to do some serious research to insult Harmony sufficiently, I do not accept subpar insults."

"Fair enough," Xander said.

"So, what'd you get?" Cordelia demanded.

"Film Director," Xander said with a grin.

"You? A director?!" she asked in disbelief. "Of what? Porn? No, I can't see you ever doing this right!"

"I could so direct a porn," Xander snapped out.

"Prove it!"

"Fine, I will!" Xander frowned as he just realized what he'd agreed to. "What did you get?"

"Motivational speaker or...actress," she said deciding not to mention personal shopper; she was no one's servant!

"You, an actress?" he asked in stark disbelief. "I've seen you act. Porno stars have better skills."

"You take that back!"

"It's like a train wreck," Buffy noted as the two argued.

"Yeah," Willow said absently as her mind combined the thoughts of Xander and porno and came up with opportunity. There had to be some way to use this to get Xander to realize she was datable and if that involved a naked Xander then that was a sacrifice she was willing to make!

"Fine!" Cordy snapped.

"Fine!" Xander snapped.

As the two stormed off in opposite directions, Willow came out of her daydream. "What did I miss?"

"Xander just agreed to direct a porno and Cordelia just agreed to act in it," Buffy said. "Even for the Hellmouth, this was weird."

"What a coincidence, I got...theatrical production assistant on my career assessment," Willow lied.

A man in a gray suit spoke up, "We didn't list your results, if you'd care to come with me…"

"Buffy, stranger danger," Willow said, ducking behind her. "He's trying to get me to go with him and interfering in my job of helping Xander as a theatrical assistant!"

Buffy glared at the man. "She said no, shall I repeat it in violence?"

The man quickly backed off, simply handing her a card. "If she should change her mind."

Buffy turned to Willow who gave her a grateful smile. "Thanks, now I have to go oil up Xander. I mean! I have to go help Xander figure out he has to get- I have to help Xander plan out some scenes." The red faced red head almost sprinted off.

"The man in the gray suit scanned the crowd and found his second target at his elbow. "Hello, Mr Osbourne?"

"Sorry, I have to go make a soundtrack for a porno," Oz said.

"I'm to escort you-" the man began.

"Stranger danger?" Oz said glancing at Buffy.

"Here's my card," the man said retreating as Buffy glared at him.

"Oh my god!" Aura exclaimed to Harmony. "Did you hear?!"

"Hear what?" Harmony asked.

"Cordelia 'I'm the Queen' Chase just agreed to be in a porno that Xander 'Loser' Harris is making!"

"That Bitch!" Harmony exclaimed. "She's not getting an acting job before me!"

Lance turned to Larry. "Dude, we have to find a way to join the cast."

"Dude, I'm not into girls," Larry reminded him.

"But don't you like the theater and the costume and all that?" Lance asked.

"Dude, don't stereotype me!"

"What stereotype? I'm askin' here."

"Oh," Larry cooled down. "We don't put on a lot of plays around here, so I'm not really sure if I'd enjoy it or not."

"Porn has naked guys and girls," Lance offered.

"Then again I am one for new experiences," Larry said quickly.

"Let's go see what openings are available."

Jon turned to Andrew. "We need some non-geeky extra credits for our college applications and you can't get more non-geeky than helping produce an art film."

"Do you think Xander is going to be in a front of the camera as well as behind it?" Andrew asked wide-eyed.

"It's entirely possible," Jon agreed.

Buffy shook her head. "This is strange even for the Hellmouth."

 **AN: And then I realized I'd have to make it their senior year and somehow still fit the plotline…**

 **TN: Well. This was not what I was expecting to type up today.**

 **Typed by Lostbetweenhereandthere.**

 **With Sprinkles 7- Info Dumped and Discarded**

Xander watched as Jiraiya summoned a toad, gave it a message and dismissed it. "That is still really cool," Xander said, "it's almost like what I do when I summon animals."

"You can summon animals?" Jiraiya asked curiously. "What kind?"

"I can create animals I have touched, not exact duplicates but...based on the ideal version," Xander explained.

"What are the limits?" he asked, already seeing uses for just such an ability.

"The stronger the animal the more mana it costs to summon," Xander replied.

"And?"

"No 'and', that's the only limitation," Xander assured him.

"How intelligent can they be before you can't summon them?" Jiraiya asked, wondering if this technique could be used to create nin-dogs.

"Why would their intelligence matter?" Xander asked curiously.

"Well if you can't copy people only animals, then there is probably a limit based on intelligence," Jiraiya explained his thoughts on the matter.

"Human beings are part of the animal kingdom," Xander assured him.

"You can copy people?" Jiraiya asked, feeling the hair on his arms begin to stand up.

"I don't make exact copies, I make a new person based on the perfect version of someone," Xander explained. "There's probably an in-depth explanation talking about fractals and the way crystals grow, but I didn't know enough to make a decent attempt to explain it in a way you'd understand."

"Don't make a copy of me, but walk me through the explanation," Jiraiya requested.

"Alright," Xander agreed, "first, I have to have touched you, which I have. Now, I decide to summon you, or another person matching your 'person-hood'."

"Person-hood?" the white haired man interrupted.

"A person that could fit what you do with your life," Xander said, frowning, "I do a lot of stuff instinctively, so I don't have a good way of explaining all of this, so some of my explanations are going to awkward."

"It's fine, I get it," Jiraiya assured him while lighting a pip.

"Good. Now you are a lot more powerful and skilled than most people, so it'd cost more to summon a 'you'."

"How much more?" he asked curiously.

"4 more, but I also have to sacrifice an untapped land," Xander replied.

"Sacrifice?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "See ninja is a type of soldier, so two basic mana for that, but you're also a very… skilled one making it even more expensive, add on to the spymaster and sage and the costs just shoot up. Sage means you have to have a place to be a sage of, so I have to turn over one of my lands to the sage I create."

"Spymaster?" Jiraiya asked, wondering how clumsy he had been for Xander of all people to have noticed it.

"I'm a planeswalker," Xander reminded him.

The toad sage sighed. "I keep underestimating you, a very poor quality in a spymaster."

Xander shrugged. "How many planeswalkers have you met?"

"Point," he agreed before taking a drag on his pipe. "Any thoughts on me being a spymaster?

"It's nice to know Konoha has someone who understands the meaning of the word subtle and can help defend it," Xander said. "I can see why you write porn to relax, it's probably a really stressful job."

"It does help, "Jiraiya admitted, surprised at Xander's casual acceptance of the matter. "Does the type of land sacrificed affect the type of sage?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Definitely," Xander said. "You are a mountain sage requiring a red mana, but if I sacrificed say… a volcanic island the type of jutsu would be completely different."

"What would the person be like? Where would their loyalties lie?" the toad sage asked.

"They'd be a lot like you, modified by chakra nature affecting personality of course, and their loyalty would be to me since I created them," Xander replied. "They'd be inclined to help you of course, but ultimately their loyalty would be to me."

"That is a frightening power," Jiraiya said.

"Not really," Xander disagreed. "Almost any couple can create another person and train them to be nearly anything."

"Huh," Jiraiya said. "I hadn't thought of it like that. I was thinking about the copy of someone part of it."

"As I said, not really a copy," Xander reminded him. "If I summoned a nin like Gai, four mana since not only is he a highly skilled ninja, he's also got a couple of special abilities, they would probably have little real resemblance."

"Gai has special abilities?" Jiraiya asked, faking surprise.

"He can sacrifice himself to do massive damage and anyone training under him will grow in strength and skill more rapidly than standard training should allow," Xander explained.

"That does fit," Jiraiya agreed. "Would you mind summoning copies of enemy nin we've captured so I can see how your ability works?"

"As long as you don't mind making sure they are taken care of," Xander replied. "I'm not going to create people just to see them abandoned or neglected."

"Is there a way to make sure they'd be loyal to the village?" He tapped out his pipe and stepped on the embers.

"If I tell them to be loyal, they'll be loyal," Xander replied.

"Just like that?" he asked in disbelief.

"Just like that," Xander assured him. "It's part of the creation powers."

"Maybe we should start with animals," Jiraiya decided.

"Much easier to handle and generally cheaper," Xander agreed.

"You don't have a problem creating animals to be let loose or eaten do you?"

"No, just intelligent life forms," Xander assured him.

"Let's go to a pet store and get some test subjects then," Jiraiya said.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander summoned half a dozen rabbits who sat quietly, nibbling at the grass but making no move to go anywhere.

Jiraiya looked on. "Similar but not exactly the same, all very healthy examples of the breed. What can you command them to do?"

"Simple commands," Xander replied. "Rabbits aren't that bright and they have to be able to understand what I want them to do."

"Eat, attack, defend, dig, run away?"

"Basically." He waved a hand and the rabbits moved in a circle.

"And you don't have to touch one again to summon more?"

"Nope," Xander replied, "but I can only summon any particular summons three times a day, so I could summon two more groups of these sorts of rabbits and then I'd either have to wait 'till tomorrow or summon a different type."

"If it was a rare type of animal could they interbreed or would they be like siblings?"

"They could breed fine," Xander assured him.

"How about people?" Jiraiya asked, thinking about rare Kekkei Genkai.

"Same answer, they aren't really related, not even to the original."

"Would their children be loyal to you?"

"Their parents could raise them to be loyal to me, but it would be normal loyalty not the absolute loyalty they had," Xander said after thinking about it. "Why?"

"We've got some clans that lost a number of people and that would be a way of preventing them from dying out without compromising their loyalty to the Leaf," Jiraiya explained.

"Like Naruto's gifts," Xander realized.

"What can you tell me about him?" Jiraiya asked curiously.

"Extra dense chakra which gives him regeneration and a much longer life span," Xander replied.

"What about the creature sealed in him?"

"Very mana intensive and it's considered unique, so I could only make one," Xander replied.

"You could make a copy of the Kyuubi?!"

"Planeswalker," Xander reminded him.

"How much mana would it take?" Jiraiya asked.

"A dozen," Xander replied.

"So, to make a copy of Naruto would be whatever he cost plus a dozen?" Jiraiya asked, a little relieved that it was so expensive.

"No, they are separate beings," Xander explained. "Naruto would cost about two mana since he's just a poorly trained kid with a special trait."

"So, you couldn't mix and match to make a sage version of him?" Jiraiya asked just to make sure.

"Nope, anyone I make is based on what the original is. I may figure out how to add additional stuff later, but the basic summoning remains the same."

"Could you make someone based on a corpse?"

"I could duplicate a corpse exactly," Xander replied, "but that wouldn't give you a living person."

"Well at least you can't bring back the dead," he said relieved. At Xander's silence he asked, "Can you?"

"Eventually," Xander replied, "though it's kinda cruel to rip someone out of the afterlife that way."

Jiraiya shook his head. "I have never heard anyone consider that as a reason not to raise the dead."

"Let's say you die," Xander said, "next thing you know you're with all your loved ones, someone yanking you out of that world would not make you happy. I think you have three days before the soul moves on, so before that point it's fine."

"What if you get two… summons of the same person?"

"I can summon someone three times a day, but not really them, more their job," Xander reminded him.

"I meant what if you get a later summons after they've been trained," Jiraiya explained.

"Then I could summon each version three times a day," Xander replied.

"You have very complex and confusing abilities," Jiraiya said. "If I get too close to something you don't want to talk about or you need a break let me know."

Xander thought. "You're a spymaster, you're supposed to be inquisitive, besides the more I know the more powerful I am and you are making me question my abilities and figure things out faster than I would alone, you ask anything you like."

"How is it you can answer some things but not others? You seem to know a lot about summoning, but you knew little about copying weapons until you actually...and I just answered my own question, didn't I?"

"The more I do, the more I instinctively know, the more I question what I instinctively know, the more detailed my knowledge of my abilities."

"That is such a cheat."

"Planeswalker," Xander replied.

 **AN- This is how you don't write a chapter, it was a complete info dump and not even funny or exciting. Dumped it and started over, using as little info as possible unless it was necessary for the story. On the plus side, writing all this helped me decide how to handle the subject and what to do in the chapter. The key to writing is often rewriting!**

 **TN- good choice, too many assured hims and not enough Xander cheer.**

 **Typed by Lostbetweenhereandthere**


	19. Foxy Lady 2

**Foxy Lady 2**

 **Previous chapter YSEMF029**

"What makes you think I did something?" Willow asked, trying to figure out what was going on.

"You are a horrible liar Willow," Buffy said, "and Xander's acting all weird."

Xander, who had been staring at nothing, turned to Buffy. "I am not acting weird."

"No weirder than usual anyway," Faith offered with a smirk.

"Weird how?" Willow asked.

"He keeps looking at nothing and saying he can sense something animalistic and Willow-like," Buffy explained.

"She's distracting you," Xander said absently as he tried to get a feel for what was coming.

"Hey!" Willow exclaimed, upset Xander wasn't taking her side, not that she had a side, before slumping a little as she recalled they weren't exactly best buds anymore.

"Enough stalling," Giles said firmly, looking over the top of his glasses and directly into Willow's eyes. "What have you done?"

"Uhm…" Willow shrank back. "I helped cast a spell to recover a necklace, but it failed, that's all."

"What kind of spell?" Wesley asked curiously.

"A temporal fold spell," Willow admitted causing the two Watchers to stare at her in shock. "What? I already said it didn't work."

"Temporal spells are by their nature both incredibly complex and dangerous," Wesley said, "miscast there is no telling what they could summon."

"How does that connect to X?" Faith asked.

Everyone turned to Xander who was sniffing the air, eyes unfocused.

"Xander," Buffy asked cautiously, "are you OK?"

"Yeah," Xander said absently, before blinking and shaking his head. "What?" he asked.

"Now that you are back with us, what's with the… sniffing?" Buffy asked.

"I was sniffing?" Xander asked surprised. "Sorry, just trying to get a sense of whatever she is."

"She? It's a she now?" Buffy asked before sighing. "It's Xander, of course it's a she."

"Sounds like there's a story behind that," Faith said with a grin.

"More a mini-series," Giles replied dryly.

"So Red summoned a 'she' who X can sense?" Faith asked, finding the whole situation more amusing by the second.

"An animalistic she," Buffy reminded her, "like the hyena."

"You think she may have summoned a primal possessed Willow from another timeline?" Giles asked.

Buffy considered that. "Yeah, let's go with that."

"It would explain why he could sense her, having previously hosted the same spirit," Wesley grudgingly allowed.

"This is bad," Buffy said.

"I don't think handling a second Red is going to be all that hard," Faith said amused.

"When Xander was possessed he was… hard to deal with," Buffy said uncomfortably.

"Primals have strength and speed on par with a Slayer," Wesley explained, "sometimes even surpassing them **,** it's only the degradation in their mental capacities that allows The Slayer to deal with them."

"They get stupid," Buffy translated.

"You can say that again," Xander agreed, "but then Willow doesn't feel stupid… just lonely."

"I think the loss of her pack, if she were summoned alone, would cover that," Giles pointed out.

"Not getting the stupid aggressive feel," Xander said.

"Maybe she just got possessed," Buffy offered, "it took a bit of time to kick in."

"Maybe," Xander said unsure before turning towards the door his intent clear.

"And where do you think you're going?" Buffy demanded.

"To find Willow," Xander replied. "I can't just wait, Sunnydale is dangerous, and she may not even know about vampires."

"Other Willow could be really other and never have met me," Buffy realized.

"Or come from a world with no vamps," Xander said.

"Fine, but I'm coming with you," Buffy said.

Xander looked at Buffy as if weighing things before nodding. "Fine, but unless she attacks us, you keep the stake in your pants."

Faith smirked.

"You're being a little overprotective for someone you haven't even met," Buffy pointed out.

"It's Willow," Xander said as if that's all that needed to be said.

"No, I'm Willow," Willow reminded him.

Xander ignored her as she had been ignoring him since the fluke. "Buffy, you know how aggressive you can be and we don't need you setting off any primal instincts here."

Buffy considered that. "You do know more about what it's like than I do. Fine, unless she tries to eat your face, I'll be quiet."

"Thanks, I appreciate that," Xander said giving Buffy a thankful smile.

"I'll get things set up to help remove the primal," Giles said. "The sooner we remove it the better."

"Don't we need a hyena pit?" Willow asked.

"No," Giles said. "Since that incident I've looked into the matter more closely and we can bind the spirit to an item and then destroy that item to send the spirit back where it belongs."

Wesley looked surprised and then intrigued. "I think I know what you are planning and it seems so simple in retrospect, but the binding ceremony is considered black magic."

"The ceremony itself is not," Giles countered, "though the uses it has been put to almost always are."

"I think I'll come along," Faith said, not really caring, but curious as to how this was going to play out and not wanting to hang around Red and the Watchers.

"That's enough people, we don't want to spook her," Xander said quickly, not wanting either Willow or Wesley to invite themselves along.

"Shouldn't take too long, we'll be back with you before you know it," Buffy told Willow who'd been doing a poor job of hiding her emotions.

Xander left, letting his instincts guide him. Even if he was hurt over what had happened with Willow and the way she was ignoring him lately he couldn't let her, even another her, get hurt and this one was hurting.

"How sure are we it's a… primal?" Faith asked Buffy, as Xander walked like he knew where he was going, ducking into the Restfield cemetery just a few blocks away.

"Pretty sure," Buffy replied.

"Xander!" a strangely dressed Willow exclaimed excitedly and ran towards him.

"Wait-" Buffy began, but Xander was already sprinting towards the red haired girl and she had to hurry to catch up.

"Xander, Xander, Xander!" Willow exclaimed, peppering kisses on his face as she wrapped herself around him the moment she was within arm's reach.

"It's OK, Wils, I'm here," Xander said holding her tightly.

"Not a primal I take it?" Faith asked amused.

Buffy stared at the two fluffy tails that had wrapped around Xander and the Willow they were attached to. This Willow was wearing a black spandex mini-skirt and tube top, which almost distracted from the pointed ears and slightly sharper features. "Nope."

"Weren't you supposed to stop her eating his face?" Faith asked as the fox-Willow attempted to extract Xander's tonsils.

Buffy sighed as the two didn't appear to be stopping anytime soon. "Guys," she said, trying to catch their attention. "Hey!"

Willow reluctantly pulled back. "Did you want something?"

"Making out in a graveyard isn't exactly safe around here," Buffy explained.

"Why?" Willow asked.

"Vampires mainly," Faith said, knowing this was going to ruin Red's day and wanting to see it. While she'd admit she wasn't the easiest person to get along with, the comments the red haired hacker had made about her under her breath were way out of line, so she was definitely looking forward to the response this was going to get.

"Like those?" Willow asked innocently, pointing to the side.

Buffy and Faith turned, hands reaching for stakes and spotted a trio of vamps, who realized just who they were facing and were caught between fight and flight.

"Burn!" Willow called out, snapping the fingers on her free hand and causing the three vamps to burn to ash in less than a second. "Did I do good?" she asked Xander eagerly.

"You did great," Xander assured her with a smile.

Willow purred like a cat.

"Can primals do that?" Faith asked Buffy.

"No and Willow would need a lot of preparation and a couple minutes of chanting to pull that off," Buffy said. "But we should still get back to the library to talk to Giles."

"Then you can make out in the library," Faith said with a grin. Willow was going to flip.

"I like libraries and we'll have less interruptions indoors," Willow agreed, nuzzling Xander.

"Giles should be able to help you find your way home," Xander told her, feeling a pain at the thought of being separated from her, even though they'd just met.

"I am home," Willow told him, giving him a squeeze.

"This isn't your world," Buffy tried to break it to her gently.

"I know that," Willow said rolling her eyes "My world sucks and Xander is dead, he died saving me. The moment I could sense Xander, I knew I wasn't in my world."

"So, you know I'm not your Xander," Xander said softly.

"You are always my Xander," she said firmly. "Same person, same soul, different history, that's all," she explained.

"I doubt your world sucks as much as this one does," Faith said.

"Pissed off mad scientist with access to the multiverse released a virus that caused a good portion of the female population to mutate at puberty, taking on supernatural traits," Willow explained. "The whole fighting in darkness thing was drug into the light and a lot of stupid people made a lot of stupid decisions. Major demonic incursions occur every three to five years."

"Welcome to Sunnydale," Faith said offering her hand.

"You aren't still infective are you?" Buffy asked mangling the word.

"No, he may have been a mad, mad scientist, but he wasn't a crazy one," Willow explained. "The virus was just supposed to introduce random animal traits, not supernatural ones and it died out after doing its job."

"So, you got fox DNA?" Faith asked, pretty sure of the answer.

"Kitsune," Willow replied, "Japanese fox spirit.

"What does that mean?" Buffy asked.

"It means I'm really good at illusion and fire magic," Willow said.

"And the mental bond with Xander?" Buffy asked.

"We should probably get to the library, so she only has to explain all this once," Xander pointed out, lacing his fingers through Willow's and giving her a tug.

The four started walking.

"You wear a lot less than the local Willow," Faith noted.

"I'm a fire type," Willow replied.

"How does that equal less clothes?" Buffy asked.

"Unless it's snowing I don't get cold, because I have a higher than normal body temp, but that also means I tend to wear less clothes so I don't overheat," she explained.

"It sounds like you're wearing more than you are," Buffy said as she listened to the way Willow moved.

"I'm hearing some jingling and creaking," Faith agreed, "but I'm not seeing where you could hide anything in that getup."

"Fire and illusions," Xander said, having felt several things he couldn't see.

"When I saw how low-tech everything was I decided to hide my gear so I wouldn't attract thieves," Willow explained.

"We're low tech?" Buffy asked surprised.

"All the wars!" Faith exclaimed. "Tech advances fast during war time."

"People get creative when their life is on the line," Willow agreed.

"You can become a brilliant inventor," Xander said, "and patent all the stuff you know."

"If there weren't laws forbidding Pokegirls from patenting stuff I already would be," Willow said. "As is, I got away with putting it in your name, but that's a pretty common practice. The number of 'inventors' who just happen to be bonded to tech types is pretty telling."

"You're a second class citizen?" Buffy guessed.

"Not here she isn't," Xander said firmly.

"But back home, where you came from," Buffy said.

"It varies according to country and even state," Willow said. "A number of religious groups are always trying to pass bills to get us declared as either animals or property."

"Humanity sucks and your world swallows," Faith said. "Welcome to the Hellmouth, I hope you enjoy your stay."

"Oh, I think I will," Willow said, giving Xander a look that made him blush.

"Did you know me in your world?" Buffy asked, changing the subject as they entered the library.

"No, but you seem nice," Willow offered.

"I found Willow and she's not possessed," Xander said as he took in the expressions of everyone there on seeing the Pokegirl. Willow looked like she was in shock, Oz seemed even more blank faced than usual, and the two Watchers looked surprised and slightly concerned.

"A kitsune, here?" Wesley asked in disbelief before saying something in Japanese.

"I'm a Cali girl, I don't know Japanese," the Pokegirl said.

"My anime is a little rusty, but I think he just tried a prayer of some kind," Xander said.

"A trickster spirit, that's just what we need," Giles said, shaking his head, "and naturally she'd be fixated on Xander."

"Why do you have my face, and body, and no clothes?!" Willow exclaimed.

"I have clothes and this is my face and my body," the Pokegirl replied, wondering what was wrong with her local self and why she was holding hands with a blue haired boy.

"She's from an alternate reality and it sucks eggs there," Buffy said. "First person to suggest sending her back gets a broken bone of my choice."

"I have a mirror!" Wesley said suddenly and went to the office to retrieve it.

"What's he going to do with that?" Buffy asked.

"Try and dispel my illusion," the Pokegirl replied unconcerned as Xander sat down and she climbed into his lap.

"So, you admit to having an illusion up," Giles said accusingly.

"I could dispel it, but it'll be funnier to see what he does," the Pokegirl said leaning into Xander's embrace.

Wesley returned with a hand mirror and held it up, looking at her reflection and the back of her. "You're just hiding a backpack and belt?"

"Muggers," the Pokegirl said, letting the illusion drop revealing a small gray backpack and a belt with half a dozen gray spheres on it.

"How different is your world?" Willow asked in disbelief.

"Extremely," Buffy said. "It makes the Hellmouth look like Club Med."

Wesley turned the mirror to examine Willow and make sure she wasn't a kitsune as well.

"That explains the comment about breaking bones," Giles said.

"Give us a brief history lesson," Buffy said, "so we know what changed."

"I don't know the history of your world, just mine," the Pokegirl said, "but about twenty or so years ago a mad scientist in Japan released a virus that was designed to mix animal DNA with women when they hit puberty. He didn't know about supernatural creatures and the world wasn't prepared for the revealing of them, which the virus did, mainly by mixing the DNA of supernatural creatures with some girls and making it obvious magic exists."

"We don't have the technology to even begin to think about doing that," Willow argued.

"Neither did he," the Pokegirl said. "It turns out the unnamed Japanese scientist had invented exactly one thing, even though he had patented hundreds of things."

"Time travel," Willow guessed.

"Yes, but sideways," the Pokegirl replied, glad her native self was intelligent, even if really prudish. "He could go to different timelines find things he liked and bring them back. Having ninety percent of the female population go through threshold and change when they hit puberty was bad enough but add in revealing the supernatural and it was a recipe for disaster."

"I can't imagine the chaos," Giles said with a shudder.

"Not to mention the changed girls needed sex at least once a week or they'd start to go feral," Willow said with a shudder herself. "I was lucky, Xander was my best friend and made sure I never had to experience that."

"No wonder the religious groups were losing it," Faith said.

"Society would be torn apart, if it hadn't been already," Giles said.

"Once a week since puberty?!" Willow asked in shock.

"Like clockwork," the Pokegirl agreed. "Of course I prefer several times a day, which Xander has never failed to deliver." She snuggled into his arms happily.

"Several times a day since puberty? Him?" Faith asked in disbelief, pointing a thumb at Xander.

"Not only me," the Pokegirl said with a grin, "I was just the first and his alpha."

"Alpha?" Buffy asked.

"The birth rate has already started skewing in favor of females and that's without the parthenogenesis of feral Pokegirls," the Pokegirl explained, "so naturally the guys had to 'man up' and keep more than one girl from going feral."

"Parthen-what?" Buffy asked.

"Parthenogenesis is when an egg becomes fertilized without any sperm," Willow explained.

"Without regular sex you begin to lose your intelligence," the Pokegirl explained, "and when you have dipped down to animal level you run off into the wilderness. Now, ferals lay eggs. I know, crazy right? Mammals don't lay eggs, well except the platypus but we aren't going there. Anyway, so ferals lay eggs that grow into clones of the original except they are… well feral."

"Willow babble," Xander said kissing her forehead.

The Pokegirl sighed happily. "Only ten percent of females don't go through threshold and ninety percent of Pokegirl children are Pokegirls since birth. All of this taken together means the average guy has to service several females on a regular basis just to keep society stable much less prosper and grow."

"So, it's a male heaven where they get to nail everything that moves," Faith said with a snort.

"You have a weird idea of what men want," the Pokegirl said shaking her head.

"Are you seriously telling me it's not a male fantasy?" Faith asked in disbelief.

"I'm Xander's alpha," the Pokegirl said, "I have a psychic link to him, I can literally see inside his brain. Sex is fun and all, but his fantasy is more along the lines of a loving wife and kids with a good job in a small town."

"Pretty sure that's everyone's," Xander told her.

"No, but it's actually a lot of them," the Pokegirl said. "We alphas talk, so I know what I'm talking about."

"You could still have that," Buffy told Xander, a wistful look on her face.

"If the world didn't have demons," Xander pointed out. "There may be some point in the future, in a decade or so, when I decide to go for that, but at the moment I would rather kill demons."

"Ok, maybe some guys are like that," Faith admitted, "but most of the ones I've met aren't."

"Then you hang around the wrong type of people," the Pokegirl said. "Anyway, Xander took care of me, Cordy, and Amy allowing us to keep 4.0 grade point averages and could still be relied upon to help out a girl in need without asking for anything in return," she said proudly.

"Asking anything in return?" Wesley repeated before realizing, "of course, between male scarcity and the biological needs of the female population the balance of power in sexual relations would have shifted."

"Sounds like I was busy," Xander said. "While fun as it sounds, it also sounds really tiring," he teased.

"Lazy bones," the Pokegirl teased before wiggling in his lap, "but I know all your weaknesses."

"I doubt they've changed much," Xander admitted, "but we really should be getting home. Glad the folks are in Vegas on a gambling tour."

The Pokegirl snapped her fingers and her form shimmered and became an exact duplicate of Willow including clothes. "I guess I should get used to using illusions to disguise myself when we're in public." She slid off Xander's lap as he stood up.

"Probably a good idea," Xander agreed. "See you guys later."

"That is one fucked up world she comes from," Faith said as the door closed behind the pair.

"Some of the Council's scholars will want to talk to her," Wesley said. "Find out the details of her world and make sure it doesn't occur here."

"Offering to help give her a public identity would be an excellent way to get in her good graces," Giles suggested.

"Indeed," Wesley agreed.

"A you who isn't you," Faith told Willow, "that's got to be trippy."

"I'm surprised she managed to control herself, considering the whole feral thing and however long it's been since Xander died in her world," Buffy said.

"I don't know," Faith said with a smirk, watching the expression on Willow's face out of the corner of her eye, "X was unusually quiet and she is wicked good at illusions…"

"True," Buffy said, "but if they'd been doing something surely we would have heard it."

"Not if we were too distracted by what she was saying," Faith argued, finding a great deal of satisfaction at Willows look of shock and worry as she kept sneaking sidelong glances at Oz who didn't seem to be reacting at all.

"I doubt there was more than a little wandering hands," Buffy decided, "Xander is too easy to read."

"Probably saving it for when they get to his place," Faith said cheerfully. "Well, I gotta motor. See ya tomorrow."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"It's crappy, but it's home," Xander said, wishing he'd cleaned his room.

"It has you and a soft bed," Willow said, "I think we'll be fine."

"Um… I've never…" Xander's voice trailed off embarrassed.

"Well, you're about to," Willow told him with a grin before pulling him down for a kiss.

Clothes were slowly discarded as they stumbled towards the bed, Willow's backpack and belt making a solid thump and shaking the floor a little.

"Ack! I almost forgot," Willow cursed herself. "Sorry, the anti-feral drugs are making me a bit ditzy. I still have to give you your nanites!"

"Nanites?" Xander asked, his hormone befuddled brain making him feel a bit ditzy himself.

Willow pulled a gold coin out of the small gray backpack. "Heroic Medal," she explained pushing it against his chest.

The coin melted into his flesh gold threads shooting across the surface of his skin.

"What?!"

"It's the latest generation of nanites," Willow explained, pushing him onto his back and climbing on top of him. "I'd like to say more, but I am all out of anti-feral drugs so nookie now, talk later, OK?"

He didn't get a chance to respond.

 **Two hours later…**

"I thought my bed was stronger than that," he said as they laid on the remains, the frame having broken apart over an hour ago.

"Pokegirls have enhanced physical strength and toughness, Willow said, basking in the afterglow as they cuddled, "your bed did not."

"And how am I still standing then?" he asked, feeling all was right with the world and more than a little giddy.

"Nanites," Willow replied, "they go through your body and enhance everything. It won't give you the strength and speed of a Pokegirl, but it'll let you keep up with one in bed."

Xander tensed up. "I can hear someone… several someones moving around downstairs." He couldn't think of a single non-bad reason for this to occur.

"Parent's back early?" Willow asked.

"No," Xander said, getting up and grabbing a bedpost off the floor, "someone just said they were to take us alive." His nails dug into the wood and he was forced to loosen his grip a little, cursing its cheap construction.

"Doesn't sound like your parents," Willow agreed, quickly coming to her feet. "As much as I hate to admit it… we should let Cordite out of her ball."

"That sentence made no sense," Xander said, wondering why she felt more nervous about Cordite than the intruders.

"Cordy became a bunny girl when she hit puberty," Willow said. "Her parents basically disowned her, letting her know she had no right to the Chase name. They provided food and clothing, but she was to see to her own needs and leave when she hit eighteen." Willow picked a flat gray ball off the belt on the floor. "You took pity on her and even I couldn't hold a grudge on the sweet little bunny she'd become."

"There's a crossbow in the closet," Xander offered, "and a dagger in the sock drawer, or we could leave, they are searching the bottom floor right now." He was not liking their odds and the thought of losing Willow when he'd just got her back hurt.

"They probably have people outside," Willow said. "Anyway, this is Sunnydale and you know what happens when a bunny girl is exposed to too much violence… or rather you don't and goodness it feels great to be thinking clearly again." She smiled broadly as she retrieved the dagger.

"So, what happens to the bunny girl?" Xander asked, wondering how he was hearing the intruders so clearly as he heard movement on the stairs and gestured to the door.

Willow quickly moved to the side of the doorway. The door opened and a vamp poked his head in. Willow stuck the dagger through his neck and drug the limp body inside, closing the door and stealing his wallet before letting Xander stake him.

"I'm going to have to vacuum," Xander complained, looking at all the ash on his floor.

"Exposed to way too much violence she evolved into a Mini-Top, more intelligent, more belligerent, and much, much more violent," Willow said. "You gave her the nickname Cordite because of her love of explosives. She would probably kill us if we left her out of this, and that's not hyperbole, she would actually try to kill us."

"And she fits in that ball?" Xander asked, nerves on edge as he heard several people on the stairs now.

"Think of it as magic," Willow suggested. "Do I have your permission to let her out?" she asked nervously.

"Go for it, they're almost here," Xander said wondering if his obituary was going to include the word naked.

"Cordite, I choose you," Willow said pushing a button and tossing the ball in the air.

There was a flash of light and Cordite appeared.

Xander's first thought was that Cordelia had just teleported into his room until he took a closer look. Cordite had long gray furred rabbit ears that hung down to her waist, slightly smaller breasts and, "an ass that would stop traffic on the freeway."

Cordite grinned lasciviously _._

"Did I say that out loud?" Xander asked.

Cordite nodded with a grin that showed off her buckteeth, that gleamed brightly in the moonlit room and looked very, very sharp.

"Hostiles inbound," Willow said holding up the dagger as the door opened.

Cordite and the dagger vanished as did whoever had opened the door… and then the screams started.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: M.S. asked me to see about continuing Foxy Lady, so I am. Foxy Lady was based on the idea of Willow accidentally summoning a Pokegirl Willow, rather than the standard vampire one, as that's all I ever see in fics. If you have ever read the original Pokegirl stories by Metroanime you'll know it's a serious take on what should have been a porn idea, creating a fascinating and horrifying world that equals BTVS in horror. Naturally a world composed of both of them would be even more horrifying still. What do you think?**

 **TN: I liked the original foxy lady chapter, and this is a nice continuation, yet another story I'd enjoy reading/typing more of. Definitely a nice change of pace from the usual vamp Willow stories, will be fun to see who else is in a Pokeball if it gets continued. Don't think I ever read more than a chapter or two of the source story, but may have to give it a shot since the Pokegirl thing keeps popping up as Pokemon continues to thrive.**

 **TN2: Huh, wonder what Cordite did to her parents after evolving, can't imagine she didn't express her displeasure in some way on at least her father.**


	20. Xander and Cordy Make a Porno 2

**Xander and Cordy make a porno 2: This time it's personal!**

"A campaign is like a war. It's won or lost in the trenches..."

Buffy started to talk about something to do with being crowned Homecoming Queen, and so Xander instantly tuned her out. He could think of a lot more interesting things to concentrate on right now.

And that included his chances of winning this week's Powerball numbers.

Meh. Things had changed a lot over the past year or so, ever since those rumors that he was going to direct a porno (and Cordelia was going to star in it) had started flying around campus. People had started taking bets on exactly what sort of a film it was going to be –Jonathan and Andrew had come up to him and floated ideas like 'Cheerleaders auction off dates to raise money', 'Topless car washes', and 'Horny cheerleaders strip for a good cause'.

Film titles like that, Xander had instantly assumed that his girlfriend - and some of the Cordettes like Gwen, Aura, and Aphrodesia - would clobber him, if he'd offered them a role in it.

Still, that had been nothing in comparison to *Harmony* of all people coming up to him and demanding to be part of his porno, if Cordelia was going to be part of it as well. Because, having seen Harm try to act?

Well, when Harmony tried to be head cheerleader, she was bad. When she tried to chair the Homecoming committee last week, she was really bad. But when she tried to act... she *sucked*.

Although, considering it was a porno in question, Xander figured he might have taken Harmony on as a fluffer - since Cordelia had mentioned how the blonde had no gag reflex, and her sucking skills were second to none.

Well, it was all moot, of course, despite the interest Willow, Oz, Lance and even Larry had initially shown in the project; Cordelia had pulled out after the rumors reached her parents' ears, and they had threatened to cut up all her charge cards if she ever took part in such a thing. Plus the recurring latest monster of the week meant he'd never even had time to get the film past the planning stages...

And hey, trying to source movie equipment, scout filming sites, get permission from City Hall to shoot on location, and everything else? Even if Mayor Richard 'family values' Wilkins hadn't totally been against it, Xander figured he would have probably ended up making something that was a mix of an Eighties teen horror movie, and the Blair Witch Project.

And here on the Hellmouth, that would have sucked even worse than Angelus trying to send the world to Hell, last year.

Xander's attention abruptly returned to Buffy as the Slayer said, "Holly, Michelle, and Cordelia, they all have big head starts. Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich -"

"That's my girlfriend you're talkin' about, Buffy," Xander interrupted immediately. "And so, I'd appreciate it if you kept that sort of comment to yourself. Or do you want me to bring up past history about bad choices in boyfriends?"

Buffy looked momentarily stricken, and Willow glared at him immediately. "Xander! That was totally out of line!"

"What? Why? I didn't name any names, did I? I mean, hey, who did you think I was talking about?" Xander asked the redhead.

"Oh, come on - everyone here knows you were talking about Ang-" Willow abruptly cut herself off, as she glanced at Buffy apologetically.

"Actually, I was referring to the huge mistake that was Buffy and Owen Thurman - but if you wanna bring that guy up, Will? That's totally on you," Xander shrugged, ignoring the furious glare from his oldest friend.

"My God, Xander! When are you EVER going to get over the fact that Buffy chose Angel over you?" Willow yelled angrily, again causing Buffy to flinch.

"Hey, newsflash, but I'm over it now," Xander said, trying to go for the nonchalant look. Buffy's ex was currently roasting his nuts in Hell, after all, so 'nuff said.

Hmm, now that he thought of it? Odds were that Willow was still upset he'd bailed on the whole formal wear gig last night. Maybe he ought to bribe Will with a gift, to try to get her to forgive him?

Apart from crotch-less panties, of course. Xander knew how that hadn't worked out too well as a gag birthday gift, back when Jesse was still alive.

"Getting somewhat off-topic," Oz interjected in his own totally cool, laidback way. And not for the first time, Xander was kinda envious of the way Buffy and Willow took the guy seriously, and paid attention to whatever he said.

Well, hey, man of few words. And Oz had his own van that smelled pretty funky, the few times Xander had bummed a ride off of the guy. Who knew what the heck he and his bandmates were smoking in there?

Huh. It would explain why Willow was still glaring at him, second-hand wacky tobaccy...

"Oz is right, we need to focus," Buffy said, taking a deep breath. "Okay. Popularity - popularity is key, here. If I'm gonna run for Homecoming Queen and win, we need to focus on improving my popularity."

"Might be a problem," Oz said, almost making an expression.

"Yeah, Buffy... just the other day, didn't you say that even your favorite teacher didn't know who you were?" Willow asked apologetically.

"The term 'non-person' was mentioned." Xander nodded.

"Okay, guys, can I *please* have some helpful suggestions?!" Buffy semi-exploded.

At that moment, Andrew burst into the library. "Xander! I've just come up with a brand new idea for your porno film!"

"Would that qualify?" Xander asked innocently, and ducked as Buffy angrily threw her whiteboard pointer at his head. "Just askin', Buff. Just askin'."

At that moment, Cordelia came into the library as well. "What's going on here?"

"Eh, the usual. Oz is doing a pretty good impersonation of a Jedi Master, Buffy is trying to recapture her glory days as Queen B at Hemery, Willow's pissed at me, and Andrew's just come up with a new idea for Sunnydale's premiere porno festival," Xander wisecracked.

"Whatever." Cordelia looked completely indifferent to the latest glares Willow and Buffy were now shooting Xander's way. "Willow, how's that student voter database you've been making for me going?"

"Uh, it's just about done," Willow admitted shamefully, unable to look Buffy in the face; doubtlessly aware of the look of betrayal being aimed her way.

"Xander?" Cordy asked, ignoring that.

"I got your new flyers printed out, no problem. That picture of you in your cheerleader uniform was all Photoshop'ed and everything." Xander smiled at his girlfriend.

"Oz?" Cordelia asked next, after sending her boyfriend her patented megawatt smile.

"Talked to Devon, pretty sure he's gonna spread the word that Cordelia Chase is the candidate every musician in school should vote for," Oz replied, as laconic as ever.

"What? But - but - but -" Buffy started to splutter.

"Hey! Doesn't anyone want to hear my idea for Xander's porno?" Andrew whined.

Xander looked at everyone and said, "You know, we may as well hear him out - or else he'll just pester us about it, until the worst moment imaginable. Like when Andrew tripped and smashed that Orb thing with his head, in the middle of Willow trying to do that soul curse for Dead Boy."

"Hey, that wasn't my fault! I thought you guys were trying to summon Lando Calrissian from an alternate reality, and I...wasn't paying any attention to my footing," Andrew tried to defend himself.

"Whatever." Xander sighed, deliberately not looking in Buffy's direction. "Okay, what the hell, pal; lay it on us."

Andrew looked excited and started to babble, "Okay, here it is! Now, the premise is that the members of the school board are being pure penny-pinching bastards, and want to close the school library because of lack of funds. So Cordelia and her friends, being the most popular girls in school decide to raise the money somehow to prevent this, as that's their favorite place to make out with their boyfriends; in the stacks, I mean."

"Huh. I know it's just a movie and all, but - has anyone other than the Scooby Gang ever come into this library, since the day Buffy came to town?" Xander mused absently, before he yelped as Cordelia whacked him on the arm.

Andrew paid no attention and went on, "So, anyway, the cheerleaders decide to stage a fake kidnapping. But who will be the victim? Cordelia, of course, as the Chases are the richest family in town, and they could best afford the ransom money."

"It's true, they could," Willow nodded, despite herself.

Ignoring Cordelia's glare Andrew added, "Then the next part is that Cordelia has to convince Xander to take part in it. The guy initially refuses, of course, saying if they get caught - he might end up in jail or something..."

"It's true, he would," Oz nodded, as Willow sent a quick smile in her boyfriend's direction.

Andrew nodded. "So cue the cheesy music, and the first sex scene of the film is in Cordelia's bedroom, as she attempts to convince Xander otherwise."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "There had better not be any full frontal nudity, or Cordy's parents would disown her the moment they hear about that!"

"Uh, well, porno, Buffy. Lots of nudity, pretty much unavoidable," Andrew said to her, semi-apologetically. "Anyway, in the next scene, Cordelia is complaining to her friends about what happened, as Xander is still refusing to budge about the whole kidnaping scenario. And later, Willow is alone with Oz, who is Xander's best friend in the film, so - according to the plot, Oz has to be the one to convince Xander to play ball. So, Willow has sex with her werewolf boyfriend to...uh, convince him to do it."

"WHAT?" Willow yelled, looking embarrassed and humiliated. "I can't do that! I WON'T do that! I mean, I'm not gonna be part of this - I, I gave up my dream of being Xander's theatrical assistant a long time ago!"

"And not much of an actor, myself. If I'm gonna be involved in this thing, I'd be better off putting together the cheesy music soundtrack," Oz said, perfectly calm as always.

"Okay, well, that's negotiable." Andrew frowned, looking thoughtful - and Xander was almost sure that a little smoke was coming out of the nerd's ears, from all the effort involved. "Right. New scene; another female friend of Cordelia does the exact same thing I mentioned before. If it's Buffy, her boyfriend Angel looks into the camera and says something like, 'If only she knew that I'm my evil twin brother, Angelus...' before throwing Buffy onto the bed, and -"

"ANDREW, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Buffy instantly screamed in fury, and it took both Oz and Xander to restrain her from rushing forward to punch the idiot's lights out.

"Dude. Find a new theme, and apologize to the Buffster, if you value your life!" Xander warned Andrew, as Cordelia and Willow glared at the amateur storyteller and Oz actually made an expression.

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry, Buffy, I was just, y'know, brainstorming, coming up with the ideas. I-I-I didn't mean anything by it," Andrew promised the irate Slayer frantically.

"And the worst part is, that's almost certainly true," Cordelia sighed in irritation, as Buffy finally calmed down and the boys let her go. "This dumbass actually thought summoning demons for his big brother was a good idea, remember?"

"Alas, Tucker - we knew you and your hellhounds well," Xander said philosophically, before turning back to Andrew. "Okay, what else ya got?"

"Um..." Andrew thought rapidly, "Next, Principal Snyder is smirking at Mr. Giles, right here in the library, saying, 'In a few weeks you'll have to pack your things, and get out. Personally, I'm going to celebrate during that day non-stop...' Then Snyder leaves, and a few seconds later, Xander comes in and sees how distraught Mr. Giles is. They talk, and Xander is finally convinced there is no other choice but to go with Cordelia's plan."

"Huh. Am I going to be directing this thing, or am I going to be starring in it?" Xander mused to himself.

"Cameo scenes, dweeb. Worked for Billy Idol in The Wedding Singer," Cordelia told him firmly.

"Can we please not mention Spike's lookalike around me?" Buffy briefly looked annoyed.

"Go on, Andrew, what next?" Willow asked, starting to look interested in the movie plot now despite herself.

Andrew took a deep breath and said, "In the subsequent scene, Xander meets Cordelia at his house; and before he has a chance to say anything, she says she's desperate. And that she'll let him give it to her in the ass, if that's what it takes, as Xander has been wanting that for months and she's always refused before now -"

"You're damn right I have! And hey, you dork - have you actually been telling tales about our sex life to this nerd?!" Cordelia looked enraged with Xander.

"What? You and Xander have a sex life? Already?! Ugh. Brain bleach," Buffy looked disgusted (just like Willow).

"Did anyone ask you for your opinion, Buffy? And no, Cor, what happens between us in the bedroom stays there, as far as I'm concerned," Xander said to his girlfriend, before turning to glare at Andrew. "Lemme guess; you just made all that up?"

"I-I-I-I..." Andrew stammered incoherently.

"Best close your mouth and just get on with it," Oz advised Andrew, and not unkindly.

Andrew nodded, and said, "Okay, um...in the next part of the scene, Xander says whoa, hold it; he's already decided to do what she wants, but thanks for the offer. Cordelia smiles and says what the hell, she's psyched herself up for it, she'll let him do it anyway...and then the music begins again, we hear loud sighs and groans whilst watching the heaving, sweaty bodies..."

"Forget that 'what the hell' thing," Cordelia said straightaway. "My ass is a no-go area, as far as Xander's tool is concerned!"

"Uh, well - there were rumors last year, you know, before you and Xander got together? A certain member of the football team -" Willow started to say.

"Got kicked in the nuts for spreading that sort of lie about me, Willow," Cordelia hissed at her. "And do we need to have a chat about listening to whatever guys tell you? The name 'Malcolm' – or was it Moloch? – suddenly rings a bell..."

"Uh, ladies, definitely no need to go wandering down Memory Lane at this point," Xander said hurriedly. "Andrew, you wanna keep going?"

Andrew nodded. "Right, okay. Um...smash cut to later, the gang is alone together somewhere. Say, the abandoned Sunnydale Arms hotel? Some place like that, anyway. They discuss the kidnapping, how a masked Xander got into Cordy's car in full view of some other students, and 'kidnapped' her with a gun to her head; and it was touch and go for a while how they managed to avoid the Sunnydale PD, incompetent as those guys are."

"You're telling me," Buffy muttered to herself, thinking nasty thoughts about what had happened back when Kendra had been killed.

"Am I in this scene?" Willow wondered, before she blushed at everyone's attention. "Not that I'm asking to be, or anything, of course..."

"I think you'd be great in this part of the movie, as the criminal mastermind," Oz said to his girlfriend.

"Oh, no, I'm very seldom naughty. And trying to act like a criminal mastermind? I'd just spazz out completely." Willow shook her head vigorously.

"What happens next?" Cordelia asked Andrew, now looking interested in spite of herself.

Andrew looked a bit embarrassed as he said, "Um, one of the guys - not Xander, I know he hates the stuff - passes out alcohol to celebrate, and everyone gets slightly toasted; cue the soundtrack music again, and an orgy takes place, as all of the girls have sex with their partners."

"You mean - group sex?" Willow's jaw almost dropped to the floor.

"You pervert!" Buffy snarled at Andrew, who instantly took a step backwards.

"For once, I'm in complete agreement with her. So scrap that idea, you asswipe; or you'll need a proctologist to get all the shoe fragments out of your rectum!" Cordelia likewise snarled at Andrew.

"What she said," Xander nodded, even though he knew from past research that a lot of AVN award winners had scenes similar to what Andrew had proposed.

"What happens next?" Oz asked, actually looking interested for a moment.

Andrew gulped. "Okay. Well, cut to two weeks later. Cordelia has been 'released' after the ransom money has been paid by her parents; and Xander is desperate to see his girlfriend, as he hasn't been together with her since the night she was 'kidnapped', and he is pretty much starving for sex."

"Oh, now, that sounds like something of a plot hole in the film to me. I mean, what's the justification for that happening?" Willow asked, before she blushed all over again. "Not that I really care, I'm not going to be in this movie, but still - it's the principle of the thing!"

Andrew told her, "At this point, there's a bit of exposition about how Xander knew it was too risky to go see Cordelia, as the cops were watching him closely."

"All right. What else?" Buffy asked impatiently, it was pretty obvious she wanted to end this topic of discussion right now-ish.

"You know, can't help thinking - Giles hasn't had much to do in this film so far," Oz said musingly.

"And that's a surprise, why? I mean, can you actually see a stuffed shirt like him actually taking part in porno?" Cordelia demanded acerbically.

"Great! Thanks a lot for *those* visuals," Buffy snapped at her.

"Andrew?" Xander prodded the storyteller, not wanting to hear another argument between his friend and his girlfriend.

Andrew shrugged. "Well, you know, the library is saved after an anonymous donation of money. Principal Snyder storms off in a bad mood. That night, Cordy surprises Xander in her cheerleading outfit in the boys' locker room; and one last sex scene takes place. There's screams and shouts like 'fuck me harder!' and then Xander collapses on top of Cordelia, and they make out gently as the screen fades to black..."

"Andrew, that has got to be the *worst* ending for the movie imaginable!" Willow declared, as everyone stared at her in surprise. "It's nothing but gender stereotypes, not to mention lacking any coherent wrap-up of the plot!"

"What plot? It's a porno, Willow. Pretty much by definition, it hasn't got a plot," Cordelia told her acerbically.

"Penetrator 2, Grudge Day. You actually can combine an effective plot with hot porno action, according to the reviewers," Xander felt it was necessary to point out. After the look from his girlfriend, he added, "I'm just saying."

"What's going on here?" Principal Snyder demanded from the double doors of the library. "Where's the British librarian? And what are you juvenile delinquents up to?"

"Nothing, Principal Snyder, sir," Xander replied quickly.

"Don't give me that," Snyder snarled. "Now, what were you just discussing? Talk, or I'll have you all in detention!"

Buffy shrugged, perfectly willing to throw Andrew under the proverbial bus at this point. "We just spent the last five minutes listening to Andrew's idea for making a movie."

"BUFFY!" Willow yelped.

The bell rang, before the five members of the Scooby Gang quickly made their excuses about needing to get to class and vacating the library. Andrew tried to follow them, but Snyder's hand on his right shoulder prevented him from doing that. "What-?"

"What's this movie that Summers just mentioned about?" Snyder demanded.

"It's nothing, sir, just an idea I had -" Andrew stammered.

"Tell me," Snyder commanded him in no uncertain terms.

"But I'll be late for class -"

"I'll write you a note for the teacher," the balding principal interrupted viciously. "Now talk, or else!"

Andre, not exactly being the sharpest stake in the shed, quickly did so.

"DETENTION!" Snyder roared angrily, letting go of Andrew and glaring at him fiercely. "SEE ME IN MY OFFICE, AFTER SCHOOL!"

"But, but Principal Snyder -"

It was hopeless trying to argue with the man, of course, Andrew's goose was well and truly cooked. But on the bright side, at least Sunnydale High's production of Romeo and Juliet wasn't attacked by flying demon monkeys later that year.

Although, it could be argued the use of Jonathan's 'magic bone' was actually a lot worse.

 **Editing by: dogbertcarroll**

 **Written by: Starway Man**

 **EN: Someone cared enough to write a second chapter, so here it is. Not my style, but enjoyable. More an anime feel, or maybe that's just me.**


	21. Foxy Lady 3

**Foxy Lady 3**

 **Previous chapters: YSEMF029, ANYASEMF019**

"Fuck!" Faith's voice came from downstairs along with the sound of breaking furniture.

"Shit!" Xander cursed and rushed downstairs to the kitchen only to find Faith bleeding and holding her side while fending off Cordite with a stake.

Cordite smirked as the dagger in her hand lashed out only to be deflected by the stake once more.

"She's a friend," Xander said quickly.

"Strange friend," Cordite said, turning away from the wounded slayer and looking Xander up and down.

Xander could feel the lust boiling off the bunny girl. While their connection wasn't as strong as the one with Willow it was definitely there and she felt a lot closer to the primal than Willow did. "Bed now," he ordered.

Faith could barely track the two as they vanished upstairs. "What the fuck?!"

"Oh good, he gets her," Willow said relieved.

"Who was that?" Faith asked, still in shock, blood leaking from between her fingers.

"Let's get you patched up first," Willow said. She held up a small yellow spray bottle. "Let me see your wound." She helped her into a chair.

Faith removed her hand showing a deep cut, dark red blood surged from the wound.

Willow gave it two quick spritzes. "That ought to do it," she said cheerfully.

"Huh, pains gone," Faith said running a finger lightly across her wound and finding smooth undamaged skin beneath the blood. "Damn, that shit works fast."

"You are so lucky she likes you," Willow said.

"She stabbed me," Faith pointed out.

"Only once and not even in a vital organ," Willow said with a smile. "If she hadn't liked you, she'd have cut your tits off."

Faith crossed an arm across her chest protectively before realizing what she was doing and forcing it down. "That means she likes me? Not mutilating me?"

"Not like exactly, more found you interesting enough not to kill right away," Willow explained. "I was trying to relax you a little because you seem really tense."

"She looks like the cheer babe, Cordy, Xander's ex," Faith said, "but with Cordy it's only her tongue that's sharp."

"Cordelia Chase?" Willow asked, already knowing the answer.

"That's the one," Faith agreed.

"It was nice of you to show up to help with the vamps," Willow said, "any idea how they got in?"

"I followed them here," Faith said getting a glass off the counter and filling it in the sink. She dipped a wash rag and used it to clean the blood off her side. "Vamps can get in several ways, but I didn't see either of Xander's parents let them in and they don't got a welcome mat set out."

"For every weapon there is a counter, for every shield there is a weakness," Willow quoted with a shrug. "Let the others know the vamps may have learned a new trick and to take precautions."

"I'll do that," Faith said before looking down at the glass of bloody water curiously.

Willow looked at the glass. "What?"

"Circles in the water," Faith said, "like that dinosaur movie."

"Doubt I've seen it," Willow said with a smirk, "but I can tell you what's making those circles."

"What?"

"Cordite and Xander," Willow replied.

"How are they making the water jump-" Faith stopped in mid-sentence. "She went straight from stabbing me to riding him. You sure she ain't a slayer?"

"She's a mini-top," Willow said with a shrug, "not sure what a slayer is."

"It's a girl that gets tapped by the guys upstairs to be some kind of mystical warrior," Faith explained. "You get the strength and speed to take on a master vamp, learn weapons easy, and get dreams of stuff that's going to happen. Never had the last myself, but B has."

"Seeing that kind of strength and speed in a human girl would cause Cordite to play with you instead of just killing you," Willow said.

"She just got the drop on me because I wasn't expecting it," Faith said. "I was holding my own with just a stake."

Willow's eyes dropped to the stake on the table and she smirked.

Faith picked up her stake and examined it before paling. "Holy Fuck!"

Carved into the side of the stake in a series of sloppy but legible slashes was COR and all but the last line of a D.

"Well, I gotta go help Xander fuck Cordite into submission," Willow said, opening the back door and shooing Faith out.

"The fuck?!" Faith exclaimed, wondering if she was asleep and dreaming all of this. "Boss ain't gonna like this," she muttered as she left.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Xander's alarm went off and he stretched and yawned, but was unable to reach it, sandwiched between the two Pokegirls.

"What is that noise?" Cordite complained.

"Alarm clock," Xander said. "Plug's near you."

Cordite yanked the cord out of the wall, sending the clock flying.

"Much better," Xander said pulling her back to his side.

"You ok, Nerd Boy? Normally you'd complain about me doing that."

"I never liked the damn thing and we're going to have to look for a new place anyway," Xander replied.

"Good, this place is a shit hole," Cordite said.

"And a bit too crowded for the three of us," Xander said, pulling them tightly against him, reveling in the feel of their connections.

"Just the three of us?" Cordite asked with amusement, trying and failing to sound innocent, not that she tried all that hard.

"I knew I forgot to tell you something," Willow said sleepily.

"And that is?" Xander asked, feeling like the other shoe was about to drop.

"You have six Pokegirls," Willow said.

Cordite grinned as she felt his shock through their bond.

"Ok," Xander said completely wide awake, "someone was listening to my teenage wishes for a harem and granted it in such a way that I'm going to die of exhaustion." He relaxed and squeezed the girls. "I'm ok with that."

"Why do you think you're going to die of exhaustion?" Willow asked, ignoring Cordite's snickers.

"You two I can handle," Xander said, "I have no problem doing this several times a day, but three times a day for six girls is definitely going to kill me."

Cordite burst out laughing and Willow giggled.

"Dork," Cordite said as she sat up and stretched, drawing Xander's eyes as he watched with a grin completely forgetting what he was thinking about which she found surprising but ignored.

"Xander," Willow said, "Cordite and I are high libido types, the rest of your harem have average libidos, only needing sex once every seven to nine days, except for Beth who doesn't seem to need it at all so far."

"That's because she's already feral," Cordite said.

"Not as far as we can tell, but god only knows what type she is," Willow said. "Anyway, to sum it up, you'll do fine."

"Well, let's work on getting us a place then," Xander said. "I can meet the other girls after we have room for everyone. Just off the top of my head our options are either a closed down tech factory or a mansion that briefly held a portal to Hell. Both should work while we look for some place better."

"Let's try the factory first," Willow said. "I need to get a better idea of what level of tech we'll be working with."

"Mansion sounds like a better idea," Cordite said, but Xander could feel she was just arguing for the sake of arguing.

"Tell me that after you've seen them both," he said as he got up, "for now I need to pee and I need a shower."

Once he'd left Cordite turned to Willow. "Beth's prophecy was true, you managed to get my Nerd Boy back. I guess I'll have to let you live."

"I'm going to build a still and get you completely wasted just so I can film it," Willow said, hiding her relief.

Cordite considered that. "What proof are we talking here?"

"High enough you can't be around open flames," Willow said with a smirk.

"Sounds like fun," Cordite said unconcerned. "So, what's this place like? Easy or hard laws?"

"Much lower tech, major weapon restrictions, and… no Pokegirls at all," Willow said.

"What?" Cordite asked, sure she'd misheard.

"The plague was never released, mankind at large is still ignorant about magic," Willow explained. "Sunnydale is still a Hellmouth and has vampires, but no major demonic invasions have occurred in recorded history and I even met my human analogue last night."

Cordite just stared at her in shock.

"No laws restricting our rights," Willow said, "we'll be treated just like any human."

"Still need a Tamer," Cordite said as she tried to wrap her head around the concept.

"You can feel him through our bond," Willow said, "he doesn't consider us any less of a person than he is. He hasn't been subjected to government propaganda telling him we need to either be controlled or put down."

"Xander didn't really believe all that," Cordite said, "not really."

"He tried not to," Willow said, "but lifelong indoctrination leaves its mark. He had to consciously correct himself at times. I think it made him an even better person for going against it, but that's not my point. In this world we don't need a Tamer, we need a boyfriend and Xander is more than willing."

Cordite sat down on the bed. "Can't say I was any better."

"No, you were worse," Willow said honestly, earning a glare from the rabbit girl. "Do I have to remind you of how you treated me when you were human and I went through threshold?"

"Do I have to remind you that I can slit your throat before you can cast a spell?" Cordite hissed.

"Don't care," Willow said, knowing better than to show fear. "You need to understand where you stand in this world."

"I stand where I will always stand," Cordite snarled, "right next to my Dork!"

"Good," Willow said relaxing.

"Wait! What?" Cordite looked confused and then smacked herself in the head. "You were checking my bond to Xander."

"I'm his Alpha, that's why I get tamed the most," she said smugly.

"Better be some damn good alcohol," Cordite muttered.

"Oh, it will be," Willow promised.

Xander came out of the bathroom. "I have muscles, lots of muscles. That was what the Hero Medal did, right?"

"Just like those old Captain America movies," Willow agreed, figuring movies from before the plague should be the same in both worlds, "it enhances you to your maximum physical potential. It also activates latent blood gifts from Pokegirl ancestry, but unless your parents are dimensional travelers that's not going to do much of anything."

"Not much chance of that," Xander said. "Let me get dressed and we'll check out the CRT facility.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Why do you have the keys, do you own it?" Willow asked as Xander unlocked a padlock and removed the chain holding the gate closed.

"No, but we killed a demon in here, one important enough to have a Name," Xander replied, "so I took the time to make it a bit harder for some idiot to accidentally stumble over him."

"How dangerous is he and what have you done to secure his remains?" Willow asked.

"He was trapped in a book, so he was a possessing type demon. He accidentally got scanned into a computer and tried to seduce you… Willow… Rosenberg." Xander nodded as he figured out the best way to distinguish the two. "He built himself a rather clunky robot body that Buffy beat to death. I dumped holy water on the mess and melted it down a bit at a time, then I buried it under a church."

"Thorough," Cordite said with an approving nod.

"I wasn't taking any chances," Xander said.

They entered the factory through an unlocked door. The power was still on, though only a few of the lights were, revealing a fairly advanced computer assembly line.

"Primitive but useful," Willow said. "What do the offices look like?"

"A couple of execs have big leather couches and private bathrooms, but most of the offices are just desk, filing cabinet, and chair," Xander replied as they toured the factory.

"Break rooms?" Willow asked, peeking in a couple of offices and finding them all pretty much the same.

"Two small cafeterias at either end of the plant and an executive breakroom on the second floor," Xander said opening the door to the stairwell.

They climbed the steps to the second floor, Xander flipping the hallway lights on using the switch on the wall.

"Swanky," Cordite said, "and dusty."

"It's been closed for well over a year," Xander explained as the two poked their heads in the various offices.

"Breakroom's clean," Willow said as they entered the executive lounge, which lacked a microwave, but had a small mini-fridge, wet bar, and cappuccino machine.

Xander opened the mini-fridge and took out a Coke. "The couches in here are pretty comfortable," he said before taking a drink.

"Who legally owns the place and how hard would it be to buy it?" Willow asked, dropping the illusions on themselves and taking off her belt and backpack.

Cordite stole a can of Coke from the fridge and was pleased to find a half full bottle of Jack Daniels as well. She tried the TV but all it got was static. "Yo, Tails, fix this," she ordered.

"Hold on a second," she told Xander getting a few odds and ends from her backpack.

"We got signal, but it's as fuzzy as your cootch," Cordite noted, while Willow did something behind the TV. "That got it."

Willow moved back to the wetbar. "Ok, go on."

"You can buy the place for back taxes," Xander said, "but it'd cost at least half a million dollars."

Willow nodded thoughtfully. "Gold is still valuable here, right?"

"Yep, and the price has been going up lately," Xander said, "I heard some people complaining about it."

Willow disconnected the cappuccino machine and started taking it apart. "Gold prices tanked in my world when they figured out how to use matter transmission pads to get precious metals out of seawater at affordable prices. I'll have to sacrifice a couple of Pokeballs to rig us a limited version that can operate as a molecular separator."

"You have teleporters?" Xander asked with a grin.

"Yeah, but absolutely nobody uses them," she said with a smirk. "Breaking someone down into data and storing them is safe but transferring that data over any amount of distance can cause the energy state of the signal to weaken."

"You look amused," Xander said, "so I doubt it killed anyone. What happened?"

"Well the change was small enough that it wasn't noticed until a doctor rechecked one of the tester's measurements when he complained about losing weight and his clothes not fitting right," Willow explained. "See the system prevented signal degradation at all costs, ensuring the person would come out exactly the same as they went in, but due to energy costs… they were roughly half a percent smaller each time."

"Ok, that is funny," Xander said. "What are you doing?" he asked as Willow reassembled the cappuccino machine.

"Making a machine that turns plants into alcohol," Willow said. "Being a mini-top Cordite's diet is mainly alcohol and alfalfa," Willow explained, "hence needing something to help keep her in both."

"Damn straight!" Cordite called out as she watched a professional wrestling match.

Willow simply rolled her eyes and reached into the backpack and took out a bag of alfalfa that was much too big to have fit inside it. "Well, now that we have time, I suppose I should introduce you to the rest of your harem."

"I think I'm going to need some alcohol first," Xander admitted.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: YES! Almost time to find out who the other girls are and what they are, we know 2 of the 6 so far, and I'm fairly certain 2 others have been hinted at enough to make a solid guess, with oh so amusing possibilities for the last 2.**


	22. Nothing Wrong with your TV 3

**Previous chapters ANYASEMF003, ANYASEMF010**

"And what did it do?" Twilight asked curiously.

"It allowed me to travel the cosmos," Alex said grandly. "Without it I'd never be able to get home."

"Oh no!" the two ponies chorused.

"But not to worry," Alex said, picking up his belt off the table, "I'd never use a means of travel where a single point of failure would leave me stranded."

"That's a relief," Twilight said.

"I keep a backup remote in my belt," he said flipping open a holster, "which is… also missing."

"Spike!" Twilight yelled.

A small bipedal purple dragon entered the main room of the library, a guilty look on his face.

"Spike, did you mess with his things after I specifically told you not to?" the purple unicorn demanded.

"Maybe… a little," he admitted, shrinking back.

"It's ok," Alex said, "I also keep a backup of my backup. It lacks some of the features of my favorite remote, but it'll do the job. "Alex unzipped a section of his belt to reveal a hidden compartment. "And it's gone as well."

"Maybe a bit more than a little," the small dragon admitted.

"You ate my remote, my backup remote and my reserve remote," Alex said shaking his head. "I never saw this coming, but I took precautions in case something happened to my belt with all the remotes on it."

"You can never be too prepared," Twilight said brightly, happy to find someone else who understood the importance of proper preparations.

"Indeed," Alex said, picking up his right boot. "I keep a single use remote, that is basically just a single button that can take me to a place where I can get all the stuff I need to make a new remote in the toe of my right boot."

"I think I left the oven on," Spike said trying to make a quick escape.

"Spike," Twilight growled, reminding Alex of Raven, as she levitated the small dragon into the air.

Alex frowned as he found the toe of the boot empty. "Where did you put it?"

"I ate it," Spike admitted. "I couldn't help it, they all smelled delicious!"

"It was supposed to be indestructible," Alex said numbly. "I even took the time to have it coated in transparent aluminum."

"So, you're stuck here?" Fluttershy asked softly.

"I keep a backup of that in my other boot," Alex said checking and finding it empty as well.

"It was the best candy in the world," Spike offered guiltily.

"I can rig something up with my repair kit," Alex said snapping his fingers and checking the inner pocket of his jacket. He let out a relieved sigh as he found the slim leather case.

"You mean the sampler?" Spike asked.

Alex opened it and found it empty. "Ok, I'm screwed," he said numbly. "I'm never getting home."

"It was just candy," Spike said, wondering why the strange creature seemed so upset.

"No, Spike," Twilight said gently, setting him down, "it was the tools he needed to get home."

Alex laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling, while Fluttershy tried to comfort him.

"This is why you don't touch other people's things," Twilight said gently.

"Sorry," Spike apologized to Alex.

"I guess me and Kenny are here for the long haul," Alex said with a sigh. It was a big letdown to go from striding across worlds to being stuck in a quaint little farming community in a low-tech world.

"Kenny?" Fluttershy asked.

"My Tamagotchi," Alex said. "He's probably starving." He sat up and reached for his pants only to find the keychain Kenny hung from empty. "Spike?" he asked softly.

"Yes?" the small dragon replied nervously, sensing the sudden increase in tension in the room.

"Did you kill Kenny?"

"Dude, I didn't kill anyone!" Spike exclaimed.

Alex held up the empty keychain with an accusing glare.

"Umm…" Spike started edging towards the door once more.

Alex turned to Twilight and said solemnly, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to eat your dragon."

"Ahhh!" Spike screamed and made a break for it.

Alex leapt and found himself floating in the air surrounded by a purple aura.

"I thought you didn't eat intelligent creatures!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"We don't," Alex agreed, "scaring the heck out of one for eating my friend however is something I'd do."

"What was Kenny?" Twilight asked, setting him down, but not releasing him. "Could he have escaped? Because I didn't find anything living in your things."

Alex sighed and walked over to Fluttershy, his spider-strength more than enough to drag twilight along by her telekinetic grip. Sitting down he explained, "Kenny was a simple electronic creature, he couldn't exist outside of his egg. More of an idea than an actual lifeform, but he's been with me since the orphanage."

"I'm sorry, but Spike really didn't mean to eat your friend," Twilight said.

"I know, but he still deserved a scare," Alex said, "and hopefully it'll make the lesson about eating other people's stuff stick better."

"I doubt he'll be forgetting it for a while," Twilight assured him.

"A bit cruel though," Fluttershy pointed out.

"Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind," Alex replied. "Better a little scare now, then a huge mess later, well bigger than the one I'm in now."

"So, you're really stuck here?" Twilight asked.

"I'll have to make tools, to make tools, to make the tools I need," Alex replied, "and while I know a lot about what I have to do, I don't know everything. The technology I need is as far beyond this world as your magic is beyond mine."

"I'll help," Twilight promised, "and as long as you promise not to eat Spike you can stay here."

Alex laughed. "As long as you can make a dragon proof lab, so all this doesn't happen again."

"I think I can handle that," Twilight promised, "and I'll send a message to Princess Celestia to see if she knows any way to help."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," he said. "On the magic side of things, what do you know of the astral plane and totems?"

"Quite a bit," Twilight said brightly.

"Excellent, because without my remote I can't talk to the magic user I was going to have help me and I'd probably die of cancer or turn into a giant mutant spider," Alex said cheerfully.

"Ok, I'm going to need an explanation for that," Twilight said wide eyed.

"Sure," Alex replied. "I had myself bitten by an altered spider, mutating my DNA to give me the proportional speed, strength, and agility of a spider, but to ensure the changes remain beneficial and don't progress too far, I have to speak to a certain spider god and get his blessings. That's what I was planning on doing when I healed up."

"Is that a coming of age ritual for your people?" Fluttershy asked.

"For about one in a few hundred million," Alex said, thinking about the number of Spider themed supers in marvel. "I had also planned on saving the life of Peter's uncle, he's the one who went through the initial ritual with me, but since I'm not going to be able to go home for a number of years there's not much I can do about that now."

"What?!"

"Maybe it's meant to be," Alex said shaking his head, "but I'd hoped to prevent it. Ben's death is what sets Peter on the path to becoming a true hero, but I don't think that's the only way it can happen."

"Was it prophecy or did a time traveler come back and warn you?" Twilight asked. "Because if it's a time traveler, there really isn't a lot you can do."

"I'm coming from outside Peter's world's timeline to make the changes," Alex explained. "I've seen enough variations of his timeline to know how events unfold."

"When you said you could travel the cosmos you weren't kidding," Twilight said in shock.

"It's nice that you were going through all that trouble to help someone," Fluttershy said, "and I'm sorry it didn't work out, but we have to keep this a secret from Spike."

"It'd destroy him!" Twilight exclaimed horrified.

"That's why I focused on the Tamagotchi," Alex explained. "It's my equivalent of a stuffed animal."

"Did your parent's give it to you?" Fluttershy asked.

"No, it was a present from the madman who killed my best friend," Alex explained as the two stared at him in horror. "Maybe I should keep things like that to myself," Alex muttered right before he was buried in crying ponies.

 **Half an hour later…**

"It was a long time ago," he reassured the two. "I'm over it."

"How can you ever get over something like that?" Fluttershy asked in disbelief.

"By seeing worlds where it didn't happen," Alex replied. "Reality is a pretty big place, it has to be to have room for everything to happen."

"Did they ever catch the pony who did it?" Twilight asked.

"Right after," Alex assured her. "He was sent to a mental care facility for life."

"At least they couldn't hurt anyone else," Twilight said, relieved.

"So, not to change the subject to something less painful, but I'm going to change the subject to something less painful. I need to do the whole astral vision quest to complete my transformation," Alex said. "Can you help me?"

"I'll have to consult with Princess Luna," Twilight said, "just to make sure I have all the details right."

"No rush, it takes years before any negative effects shows up," he assured her.

Someone knocked on the door.

"Be right there," Twilight called out, before giving him one last squeeze and getting up to answer the door. "Oh, hey Rarity."

"Hello, Darling," the purple maned, white unicorn said. "Spike came over all in a tizzy over a pony eating monster, so I thought I'd pop on by and make sure everything was alright."

"That was Alex," Twilight explained. "While Fluttershy was caring for him Spike went through his clothes and ate all the tools he needed to get back home, even though I told him not to mess with his things."

Rarity winced. "I can see where that would upset a pony," she admitted.

"To top it off, one of the things he ate was Alex's equivalent of a stuffed animal and the only thing he had from the orphanage," Twilight hedged the truth a little.

"Oh dear," Rarity said shaking her head.

"Discovering that Spike had eaten Kenny was the last straw, so he decided to scare him," Twilight explained.

"I can hardly fault him for that," Rarity said with a sigh. "Poor little Spike, his appetite is always getting him into trouble."

"Well, in this case it may have stranded someone in Ponyville for a number of years," Twilight said.

"That's awful," Rarity said. "If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."

"I will," Twilight said. "You should probably keep Spike at your place for a day or two, so he can realize the enormity of what he's done."

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Monster Hunters attack!"

"Sweetie Belle," Rarity groaned before the two ran into the main room and found the three young girls attacking Alex who was holding Fluttershy bridal style and easily dodging their attacks.

"Release Fluttershy!" Applebloom, the yellow colored red maned earth pony ordered as she swung a wooden mallet at him.

"Never!" Alex replied, easily swaying out of the way of her attack.

"I got him!" Scootaloo the orange colored pegasis with a purple mane exclaimed as she kicked out with both feet.

"Eeep!" Fluttershy squeaked as Alex flipped over the attack.

"Got him!" Sweetie Belle, the white unicorn with the pink and lavender mane cheered as the chains she had telekinetically snuck into place were secured with a padlock.

Alex flexed and snapped the chains before giving off an evil laugh and leaping onto the wall near the roof, completely out of the children's range.

"Oh no, he's going to carry her off and eat her!" Applebloom exclaimed in a panic.

"B-but we aren't even dating," Fluttershy muttered, face red.

Alex decided he had not heard her say that, it was simply an auditory hallucination brought on by stress… then he muttered curses at Magnolia-Fan.

"Alex, please put Fluttershy down," Twilight said before turning to the three ponies. "Girls, he's not a pony eating monster."

"But spike said-" Scootaloo began.

"Spike ate his only way home and his stuffed animal from the orphanage," Twilight said. "Alex was a bit upset with him for that and gave him a good scare."

"How is he doing that?" Applebloom asked as she stared up at him.

"Is he in season? Is that why he's trying to carry Fluttershy off?" Sweetie Belle asked excitedly, as she looked up his toga.

Alex dropped back down to the floor and set Fluttershy down before straightening his toga. "And that's why my people always wear clothes and Spiderman doesn't go wall crawling in a toga."

Fluttershy was blushing but stuttered out, "N-no, his species simply has external… bits."

"So, you're not getting married?" Sweetie Belle asked disappointed.

"We just met a few days ago!" Fluttershy exclaimed, now a nuclear red.

"But in The Passions of the Ponies, Duke Reginald married Lady Zoey a single day after they first met," the little unicorn pointed out.

"Sweetie Belle," Rarity groaned, "how many times have I told you to stay out of my romance novels? They are not an accurate reflection of reality."

"And that happened," Alex said shaking his head. He gathered his clothes and started getting dressed only to discover a new problem. "I've lost so much weight nothing fits."

"I can help you there, Darling," Rarity said with a smile. "I've wanted to examine your clothes anyway, so it should be no problem to take them in a little," she examined how baggy there were, "or a lot."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," Alex said. "While I'm there if you need anything done let me know. I don't have any local currency, but I have a strong back."

"So, I gathered," she replied, eyes flitting to the broken chain. "I'd consider myself well compensated if I could simply pick your brain on fashion ideas. Considering the things you were wearing, you must know loads about the subject."

"I do know a fair amount," Alex admitted, thinking about all the research he'd done before designing his costume. "Fashion is pretty universal, and I didn't specialize so I'm betting there will be quite a bit of overlap."

"Sounds simply fascinating," Rarity said, herding him out the door.

"Did Rarity just steal Fluttershy's coltfriend?" Scootaloo asked.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: brought to you by the power of insomnia, because apparently sleep is overrated**

 **Omake by fyrewolf5** **: eh, how smart or important is spike really?**

Alex turned to Twilight. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to eat your dragon."

"Ahhh!" Spike screamed and made a break for it.

Alex leapt and found himself floating in the air surrounded by a purple aura.

"I thought you didn't eat intelligent creatures!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"We don't, but he just proved himself to be too stupid and malicious to live!" Alex countered. "Eating everything on the belt I could understand and forgive, going through every article of my clothing and eating everything I could possible use or cared about means he has no respect for anyone's property and only cares about himself. Killing him before he can screw anyone else over is doing the multiverse a favor!"

"He's just a child, he doesn't know any better," Twilight tried to defend Spike.

"So, this is the only time he's eaten something he wasn't supposed to, and caused problems?" Alex asked intently.

Twilight winced. "Well, no, not exactly the first time."

"Not only has he trapped me on this world for an unknown number of years, he has prevented me from saving the lives of countless people I was planning on helping. Aiding even a single one of the people I planned on helping would have saved at least double digits of lives, and in several cases easily triple digits," Alex explained. "With my tools I can cross cosmos and timelines, preventing wars, and the destruction of entire planets if not universes. And now because of his selfishness and stomach, I'm trapped here unable to help even a single one of them!"

Fluttershy and Twilight stared at him in horror, trying to comprehend exactly how badly Spike messed up. "Th-that's terrible, but killing him won't change what's happened," Fluttershy pointed out.

"We don't know that for certain," Alex countered. "If I gut him and empty his stomach I might be able to salvage something, even just some of the parts if they're not too badly damaged can be jury-rigged together and get me to a place that has the parts I need to make a full remote. Even just saving some of the tools would cut down the number of years I'll be trapped here trying to remake them."

"And what if they're already destroyed? You'd have killed him for no reason," Twilight argued.

"No, even if I couldn't salvage anything, killing him would improve the world. He's trapped me here for an indefinite amount of time, and he's already screwed other people over before from the same behavior. Killing him before he becomes a full-grown dragon capable of even greater destruction is still a worthwhile action," Alex disagreed.

Seeing that the dragon had escaped and that he wasn't likely to get near him anytime soon, Alex stopped trying to struggle free. "Fine, I won't kill him for screwing me over. But I'm going to need someplace I can work to try to find a way home, and keep him far away from me. If he eats anything else of mine again or I hear he's fucked anyone else over, I will kill him, this is his last chance."

 **AN: I think my typist is a bit more upset at Spike than Alex is. ;P**


	23. Legal Crimes 2

**Legal Crimes 2**

 **Previous chapter: ANYASEMF015**

John frowned when he noticed he was out of toilet paper. "They never mention that speedsters have to go to the can more often," he complained. "Looks like I have to go out today, it'd take too long to have it delivered."

He didn't much like going out, it was far too bright and peopley out there. Plus, this being the DC Universe, there was a good to fair chance you'd have to deal with an alien invasion.

OK, probably not, but the people alone were reason enough to avoid it.

He quickly got dressed and grabbed everything he needed, jacket to carry a book (IT) and a backup book (or two) in case he finished the first one before he got home.

"Another downside to superspeed is how fast you run out of things to do," he said with a sigh. Video games became too easy and everything seemed to take forever at times. "Barry probably became a hero just to avoid boredom. Mental note: send Barry a copy of The Ballad of Barry Allen."

He caught a taxi to the bank to get some cash as he disliked anyone who paid by check, making everyone behind them wait, and because it was faster.

He'd have liked to use a charge card, but data mining was infinitely worse in the DC Universe than it was in his home reality. Here you didn't just have to worry about Google shading your search results to push their political slant, you had to worry about some insane genius suddenly needing your brain for an experiment he wanted to run, or for a clandestine government agency to kidnap you for the 'Greater Good' as a disposable assassin.

He read a book while he waited in line having to consciously slow himself down so he didn't blaze through it before he got to the front of the line.

"Next," the woman behind the counter called out when he'd reached the front.

He noticed she looked nervous when he stepped in front of her. "What?"

"Bulge," she said making a vague gesture.

John checked his zipper. It was up.

"I meant in your pocket," she explained, looking a lot more relaxed and even a little amused.

John emptied his jacket pockets, revealing another two books. "I'm a compulsive reader," he explained.

"I see you read John King," she said with a smile. "Is it because you have the same name?"

John laughed. "That's one reason," he agreed, putting his books away and getting out his wallet.

"What did you think of that orgy scene in the sewer?" she asked as he passed her a withdrawal slip. "It just seemed so out of place and in poor taste."

"It was supposed to be," John replied. "The story was about children taking on adult roles, but not quite getting them right because they were using children's points of view and symbols. It's similar to how young boys will cut themselves and press the wounds together to become blood brothers because they don't understand that shedding blood together is talking about young men being wounded in battle."

"Huh, that does make sense," Gladis, according to her name-tag, said. "I'd thought it was just for shock value, but looking at it that way… that works," she worked while she talked.

John accepted the cash she passed. "Thank you."

"Thank you," she replied, "have a nice day."

"You too," he replied and left, slightly surprised that no one had tried to rob the place while he was there.

He hopped in the taxi, which had been happy to wait for him with the meter running. "To the nearest grocery store, please."

"On it," the cabbie replied cheerfully and pulled away from the curb.

John finished the book he was reading, finding the ending unsatisfying as the hero was a bit of a dick and no one ever called him on it. He decided to write some fanfiction addressing that oversight the moment he got home.

"And we're here," the cabbie said.

"Thanks," John said, passing him a twenty. "Grab some coffee while you wait, I'll meet you out front when I'm done."

"Thanks, boss," the cabbie replied with a grin.

John headed straight for the toiletries isle and filled his cart with toilet paper, added a dozen tubes of toothpaste and a couple of toothbrushes. Toothbrushes did not take well to being used at super speed he'd discovered.

He looked at the two lanes and chose the longer one as the other one had an old lady with a fist full of coupons and he was willing to bet she either planned on paying by check or with pennies that she'd have to count several times to make sure she had correct.

He ended up grabbing a couple of tabloid newspapers to read in line.

Reading the tabloids, he was surprised to discover how much they actually got right. 'Maybe Agent K was on to something there.'

He'd just gotten checked out when it all went to hell.

"Everybody stay right where you are!" a drunken and disheveled man ordered before firing a shotgun in the air, making everyone flinch.

"Alan, you can't keep doing this!" a blonde woman who wore too much makeup and was several months pregnant protested.

"But I love you!"

John sighed heavily. This was going to take all day and it wasn't even that important except to the individuals involved.

The sounds of sirens made him groan as he realized hours had just been added onto how long this would take.

'Wait a second, why am I even still here?' he thought to himself. He vibrated his molecules to the correct speed and zipped through the wall and onto the sidewalk out front.

"Damn, I forgot my bags," he complained as he saw the cab waiting for him. He gestured for the cabbie to wait and vanished back inside returning in a blink of the eye with his bags.

The startled cabbie popped the trunk and he loaded the bags into the back.

"Police, freeze!"

John turned around and saw two cops were pointing guns at him. "My receipt is in the bag," he said, not at all worried.

"What about the mess inside?" one of the officers demanded.

"Some drunken guy named Alan has a shotgun and fired it off into the air yelling about how he loved this pregnant blonde over at the service desk," John explained. "I'm not getting involved in that tangled mess."

"You just happened to be there?" the female officer asked doubtfully.

"I am out of toilet paper," John said reaching in and pulling out a roll, "and I certainly didn't knock her up or get him drunk."

"But you've got powers," the male officer said confused.

"And?" John asked. "Just because I've got super speed doesn't mean I've got to shit in the woods."

"No," he said trying to explain himself, "I mean why didn't you help?"

"I'm not a police officer nor have I had any training in fighting crime, I'm just an author, I write books," John explained.

"But it would be easy for you and it's the right thing to do," he said reasonably, holstering his weapon and speaking earnestly.

John read the name-tag on the officer's jacket. "Parker… what's your first name?"

"Ben," he replied.

"What's your girlfriend's name?" John asked suspiciously. This all fit together too well.

"I'm not his girlfriend!" the female cop exclaimed.

"I didn't say you were," John said as the red-haired officer glared at him and holstered her weapon, realizing he probably wasn't involved as supervillains didn't normally rob grocery stores.

"Her name is May," Ben said, trying to build a rapport as they had taught him on the force. "What's yours?"

"John," John replied. "I just have one question for you."

"Yes?"

"How would you finish this phrase?" John asked. "With Great Power Comes -"

"Great responsibility," the young black officer answered instantly.

John held out his hand. "John King."

"Ben Parker," the officer replied, blinking as a rush of energy hit him.

"Mr Parker I have just given you super speed. I have a feeling you'll use it much better than I have," John said, deciding to just go with his first impulse. Super speed had turned out to have too many disadvantages when you wanted a quiet life anyway.

"What?" May asked in shock, shooting a worried look at her partner.

Ben vanished in a blur of speed, the vacuum he left behind causing a loud pop.

May's radio cracked and Ben's voice came over it, "Situation is handled, May. Call the precinct and let them know."

"I'm on it," she answered back before heading back to the patrol car.

John closed the trunk and got in the car. "Home please."

"What was all that about?" the cabbie asked as he pulled out.

"Some drunk shooting up the grocery store to prove his love for a cashier," John replied. "The cops are handling it."

The cabbie nodded and returned his full attention to the road. John gave him another twenty as a tip when he dropped him off.

John returned home in good spirits, the continued urge to be doing something gone and with enough toilet paper to last a month, since he'd no longer be going through it so fast.

"Home, sweet home," he said cheerfully. 'Super powers are too much of a bother anyway, they're just asking for trouble to come knocking on your door.'

 **One week later**

John got up off the couch to answer the door. His writing output stayed the same since he'd taken the precaution of typing up all the books he'd planned to release in the next five years after Batman had left and made several copies of the files so a destroyed laptop wouldn't slow him down, so he had more free time and was ready for a distraction.

He opened the door and everything went black.

"But he should have been able to dodge that!" Kid Flash complained as John slowly regained consciousness.

"What did I miss that didn't miss me?" John asked as he slowly sat up, his left eye throbbing.

"Kid Flash decided to greet you with a high five to the face," Robin offered.

John looked around to find the entire team there. "Why are you guys here?"

"We thought you'd rethought the entire hero deal, since a black clad speedster has been helping the police for the last several days," Artemis offered.

"No, I'd make a lousy hero," John said, "but I decided you might have a small point about powers and gave mine to someone more deserving," John explained.

"Which is why you caught my high five with your face," Kid Flash realized.

"Bingo," John said.

"You can transfer powers?" Artemis asked.

"I can remove and restore the connection to the speed force when I have a connection," John explained, "but I gave my connection to a worthy soul, so no I can't transfer super speed to anyone anymore."

"Sorry about your face," Miss Martian said.

"It happens," John said, rethinking the no powers idea.

"But you could give yourself a connection to the speed force again," Kid Flash said, "you know the formula."

"Go ahead, I've written a few more chapters," he told Miss Martian, seeing her hesitate to ask him something and guessing what it was.

"Could you give yourself super speed again?" Robin asked.

"I could, but I won't," John said. "It bored me to tears a lot of the time because it made the world around me so slow."

Miss Martian giggled as she read the latest chapters of fanfiction starring her from his mind.

"If you're being honest with us then why have you used your Martian defense on her?" Superboy asked suspiciously.

"I'm a writer, I write," John said, "and she is the audience, so of course I let her see the additional chapters."

"She still won't tell us who it's about besides her," Artemis said with an amused smirk that said she knew who it was about.

"Actually, I wrote alternatives with nearly every member of the team," John said. "Super speed gave me way too much time."

"Who did you exclude?" Robin asked.

"You because of age and Wally because I already paired him with Rachel and I added her as an additional member of the team in these stories," John said. "I really didn't like her ending in canon despite it being necessary to the plot."

"You paired her with me?" Artemis asked surprised.

"I don't know your tastes," John said. "So, I paired you with nearly everyone including her in various stories as a background couple."

"How much more does she have to read?" Kid Flash asked as Megan blushed.

"Feels like she got most of it," John replied. "She's reading the fake chapters and discarded ideas pile now".

"Tentacles?" Miss Martian said tilting her head.

At everyone's stare John felt the need to defend himself. "I did say discarded ideas."

"Um… is there any way I can get new chapters without coming here and reading you mind?" Miss Martian asked hopefully.

"I can email them to you," John replied, "but remember to send me reviews of them in payment."

"This was a waste of time," Superboy said turning and walking out.

"Sorry about the face," Kid Flash apologized again before following him out with Robin.

"Thanks!" Miss Martian said hurriedly, giving him an embarrassed smile before rushing off.

Artemis gave a simple wave and the silent Aqualad a nod as they departed.

The door closed behind them leaving John alone and making him super aware of how much his eye hurt.

"Ok, super speed is super boring so it's off the table, but there are some other options," he said thoughtfully, "preferably ones with healing abilities."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

The phone rang waking John from a sound sleep. "Hello?" he asked blurrily, only half awake.

"You have to get out of there!" a young man's voice said urgently. "The League of Shadows has found out you possess the speed formula and they're on their way to kidnap you!"

The sounds of breaking glass echoed through the room.

"Well, thank you for ensuring I couldn't be kidnapped in my sleep, but if you'll excuse me, I seem to have some visitors to deal with. Have a nice day," John said hanging up the phone.

A pair of black clad assassin's rappelled down through the broken skylight.

"You are the worst ninjas ever, did anyone ever tell you that?" John asked curiously. "And what is it with people breaking my skylight?"

The black clad assassin with the feline mask spoke first, "We are from the League of Assassins. We have need of something you have inside your head."

"And I have need of a new skylight," John replied annoyed. "A couple more hours sleep wouldn't go amiss either."

"You think we are unprepared for a speedster?" she asked with a smirk.

"No, I think you are only prepared for a speedster," John said with an evil grin.

Cat raised a pistol and a soft psst noise could be heard as a dart slammed into John's skin and bounced off.

"This could be a problem," the one who looked like he was trying to get sued by Marvel Comics noted as he raised his arms and shot black goop from the back of his hands to cover John from the chest down where it quickly hardened in place. "Or not."

"Why are you here?" John asked, trying and failing to hide his amusement.

"To take you to our master," Cat said proudly.

"OK," John said cheerfully. "I hope you brought some heavy equipment."

"What?" Cat asked confused.

"You've glued me to the cement floor," he pointed out giving up and breaking out laughing. "Like I said, worst ninjas ever."

Cat turned to Spider. "Please tell me you brought solvent."

"I…" he trailed off embarrassed.

The rest of the skylight shattered as the team of young superheroes made their appearance.

"Seriously," John said shaking his head, "what does everyone have against my skylight?"

"Cheshire!" Artemis growled out, drawing and releasing a net arrow that Cheshire sliced in two with her katana.

"Sister," Cheshire said mockingly.

"We're here to rescue you," Miss Martian assured John taking up a guarding position in front of him while Robin and Kid Flash joined Artemis in attacking Cheshire who set off a sonic grenade that caused everyone to lose their balance except the two villains.

Spider threw a pair of flash pellets at the ground, adding blindness to everyone's problems before Cheshire added a couple of smoke bombs and they escaped in the confusion.

"Three out of ten for attack, but a solid nine for the ninja like escape," John said as Aqualad crushed the sonic grenade with a lash made of water.

Robin recovered and climbed to his feet. "I'm glad we got here in time."

"You've saved me from the two most inept ninjas whoever nin-ed," John said shaking his head.

"Pardon?" Aqualad asked.

"When they realized they couldn't tranq me Spider-Nin gooped me to the floor," John explained. "He also forgot the solvent and they didn't have any way to cut the floor under me so they could remove me."

"Why couldn't they tranq you?" Robin asked.

John flexed and tore apart the black goop holding him in place. "Tranquilizer darts can't penetrate my skin." He started tearing off the black goop which came off like masking tape. "Augh!" he cried out in pain wincing and half crouched, tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?!" Miss Martian asked concerned as she helped him stand.

"I just gave myself a full Brazilian," John explained dropping the section of black goop that had ripped all the hair off his balls. "My brand of invulnerability doesn't seem to extend to my hair."

"Ouch," Artemis said with a wince.

"That is why I choose not to grow hair below my neck," Miss Martian explained, patting his arm.

"You've got super strength now?" Robin asked in disbelief.

"Yeah," John said with a relieved sigh as his enhanced healing took the pain away. "Super speed was super dull, but after getting KO'ed by Kid Flash I decided a bit of invulnerability was in order."

"How?" Robin demanded.

"I'm not telling you," John said, "I've already got one group of supervillains after me because one of you guys blabbed."

"They broke into our computer system," Kid Flash argued, "no one told them anything."

"You put the information in a place they could steal it, thus blabbing," John disagreed.

"I don't suppose you've got any extra super powers laying around?" Artemis joked.

John considered that. "Would you prefer powers like Kid Flash or Superboy?"

"Really?" she asked surprised.

"You're a hero," John said, "and while I find the entire business morally objectionable, I trust that you will also use your abilities in ways I would agree with, to legally help people like search and rescue and disaster relief."

"That is part of our training," Aqualad agreed.

"You're seriously going to just give someone super powers?" Robin asked in disbelief. "Why am I even asking, you've already empowered one person."

"I know a hero when I see one," John replied. "I'm not handing them out randomly."

"You don't need powers to be a hero," Robin told Artemis.

"That's true, you also don't need a bullet proof vest to be a police office, it just makes the job safer," John told her.

"Could you put on pants?" Kid Flash requested.

"I need to get all this goop off first," John said. "Hey, Superboy. Could you tear this stuff off my back?"

"Sure," Superboy said.

John winced as Superboy ripped all the black goop off with one big yank. "I'll go get some shorts," John said.

"Why don't you have a separate bedroom?" Miss Martian asked curiously.

"Because I don't have guests over," John replied as he retrieved some basketball shorts from his dresser and put them on.

"How do we do this?" Artemis asked eagerly.

"I'll mix up a batch and inject you with it," John said. "It's painful as hell, takes around four hours to complete the process, you'll eat like a horse and sleep for an entire day. Schedule it for when you have a weekend free and I'll allow a female chaperone like Wonder Woman or Miss Martian, as long as they promise not to share the details with anyone. In fact, I'm going to have to insist on a female chaperone as you'll be unconscious for a good chunk of time and you heroes jump to the weirdest conclusions given the chance, like claiming I eat kids because I have a walk-in freezer and watch anime."

"Probably a good idea," Artemis agreed.

John sat on his couch and carefully peeled the goop off his legs, taking all the hair with it. "Is there anything else you guys need, because if not, I'm going to get some sleep."

"The League of Assassins is still a threat," Aqualad said. "You should come with us until we have resolved the matter."

John looked at the mess that the break ins from the two groups had caused. "Yeah, maybe I should. At least this way they can break your stuff instead of mine."

"That's the spirit," Artemis said amused.

John picked up his cell phone and arranged for a crew to come in and clean and repair everything.

"Give me a second to pack a bag," he said.

"Are you really going to let him give you superpowers?" Aqualad asked curiously.

"Would you like to get rid of yours and fight crime as a normal human?" Artemis countered.

"No, I quite like being who I am," Aqualad pointed out, "but then I was born this way and it is quite normal for my people, you will be changing yourself, which is a different matter."

"Fine," Artemis said. "Hey Kid Flash, wanna give up your super speed?"

"Hell no!" he exclaimed, hiding behind Superboy.

"I have no problem fighting crime without superpowers, but that doesn't mean I'm going to turn them down when offered," she explained, "that would be beyond stupid. It'd be like Batman becoming Amish and refusing to use technology."

"It'd give me another person to spar with," Superboy told her, looking forward to it.

"You'd also the best person to teach her to control her strength," John said, carrying a large green duffle bag. "You guys have internet right?"

"Better than commercially available," Kid Flash said.

"Good, I spend a lot of time on the net," John said. "Hell, I practically live there," John briefly considered building a pod to make that happen, but lacking the full Matrix it would get old, so he discarded the idea.

"What's your computer security like?" Robin asked curiously.

"Security through obscurity," John replied, "much like when I walked through bad neighborhoods as a kid, my defense is looking too poor to rob."

Robin winced, visibly pained. "I'll help you with that," he said, almost against his will.

"You are at least half a foot taller and much more muscular than when I last saw you," Kid Flash noted.

"It's the formula," John replied, "it also slows your aging. Of all the possible means of empowerment available it is really the best option."

"What's the downside?" Robin asked. "There are always downsides."

"You have to get used to your new strength, it's best to make sure all your immunization shots are up to date because you won't be able to get a needle through your skin, and it's inheritable, so be prepared for superpowered kids," John replied.

"Sounds reasonable," Robin admitted.

"What about kryptonite?" Artemis asked.

"You won't be Kryptonian," John said, "no needing solar power or weakness to kryptonite, also no flying or super senses."

"Flying would be awesome," Artemis said as Miss Martian floated the group up into her ship.

"What about super speed?" Kid Flash asked.

"A decent amount, but nothing like what you have," John admitted.

"Know any good ways to fly?" Artemis asked.

"Johnny Quick figured out how to do it by using the speed force," John said, "but I have yet to learn how. I suspect he managed to input speed to the rotation of his atoms for lifting power. I wouldn't try it inside of a spaceship," he warned Kid Flash.

Kid Flash nodded. "Maybe while in a pool."

"Shock absorption while experimenting is important," John agreed. "The easiest way would probably involve asking Hermes for the gift and he'd probably send you on a quest to earn it or possibly getting Hephaestus to make you an enchanted item, but once more you'll probably get a quest."

"Ask a Greek god?" Kid Flash asked.

"Wonder Woman could introduce you, she knows them," John assured him. "Of course, you have to consider who you are asking as to the nature of the quest you get. Hephaestus is a pretty reasonable guy and his quest would probably involve building something high tech. Not sure what Hermes would ask, you'd have to see what Wonder Woman thinks."

"That's your idea of easy?" Artemis asked. "Asking a god?"

"When you have an 'in' with Wonder Woman? Absolutely," John said. "In terms of strength and reliability of flight power you can't go wrong."

"You have a very strange knowledge base," Robin said.

"Writer," John replied with a grin.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: I'm surprised so many people liked this one, but since you all said you did and left reviews, here is another chapter.**

 **TN: Who doesn't like a sarcastic SI that mocks all the stupid things in comics?**


	24. Legal Crimes 3

**Legal Crimes 3**

 **Previous chapters: ANYASEMF015, ANYASEMF023**

"Mount Justice?" John asked curiously as he saw where they were going through the front of the bioship.

"It's a known Justice League base that isn't used anymore," Kid Flash said, "so they figured no one will suspect we're using it."

"Despite the fact that we've been attacked there a couple of times already," Superboy said sourly.

"We really should look into moving," Robin admitted.

"Uninhabited tropical island or abandoned shopping mall?" John asked. At the teens confused looks he explained, "If you're going to move your secret base you can either go with the middle of nowhere or someplace completely disposable with low civilian population to limit collateral damage."

"But a shopping mall?" Kid Flash asked.

"Plenty of space and there are tons of them all across the US that have been abandoned," John replied.

"While I would prefer a place with access to the ocean, there is sense in what you say," Aqualad said. "The training opportunities provided by setting up temporary bases inside abandoned buildings while avoiding detection cover a number of skills we need to work on."

"Zeta tube access means we can reach the mountain from anywhere in the world," Artemis pointed out, "so it's not like we need to be here all the time anyway."

"New areas, new challenges," Robin said thoughtfully as they exited the Martian craft.

"Criminals who won't see us coming," Superboy added.

"We won't be able to attend school," Miss Martian complained.

"Sounds awesome," Kid Flash said perking up.

"We'll be at close quarters," Artemis told Miss Martian with a grin that caused the green skinned alien to suddenly look interested, her eyes darting to Superboy for a moment.

"But first, show me where I'm sleeping tonight and a lab I can use," John said.

"Lab?" Robin questioned.

"I need to mix up some formula for Artemis," John reminded them before yawning. "Ok, sleep first, lab later."

"Are you sure you want to be enhanced?" Robin asked Artemis.

"Without a doubt," Artemis said. "I don't see why you don't."

"Pride," John said.

"What?" Robin asked.

"Batman started off when superpowers were a rare and dangerous thing, but thanks to his extensive training and intellect it's become a point of pride that a 'mere' human could keep up and even surpass those with powers. It's obvious he's passed that pride down to his proteges."

Robin considered that. "I think it's more of a practical matter, as being forced to rely on our wits has kept us from becoming complacent."

"Then why haven't any of you studied magic?" John asked as they entered the mountain.

"What?" Robin asked wondering where that came from.

"Because it doesn't exist," Kid Flash suggested.

"What does magic have to do with anything?" Robin asked as they all ignored Kid Flash.

"All magic requires is knowledge and a strong will," John explained, "just like a number of scientific disciplines, but is almost infinitely more useful in the short term. So why doesn't Batman use it or have it taught to any of his partners?"

"Magic is a rare skill," Miss Martian said, "it is not something everyone can use."

"Certain magical talents are rare and not everyone has the same magical capacity, but everyone can use magic," John argued. "Even just knowing how to use cantrips is invaluable."

"Magic is unreliable," Robin argues, "it doesn't work the way science does."

"It can vary a bit," John admitted, "depending on factors we aren't aware of, but it's still a useful tool. The fact that you have no training in it, not even in the best ways to disrupt it, says all you need to know about Batman's reasons."

"It may say all you need to know, but I am still somewhat among the still currents here," Aqualad said.

It took John a second to figure out what he meant before he replied, "Magic is too close to having a 'power' for Batman to accept it. I'd say it's arrogance to ignore it that way, but I don't know him well enough to say."

"Yet you're certainly implying that's the reason," Robin pointed out, feeling the need to defend his mentor.

"I'm trying to be polite," John replied.

"And you're doing a bang-up job," Artemis said with a snicker.

"I didn't say I was trying very hard," John admitted. "Anyway, ignoring the complete stupidity of ignoring things you can never completely understand at least he's smart enough to provide training to protect your mind against telepaths, right?"

"Not that I've noticed," Miss Martian said.

"I know a few mental exercises that help order my mind and provide some defense against illusions," Robin offered.

"Another area you need training in then," John said before yawning. "Ok, enough taking pot shots at Batman's mental problems, where can I pass out?"

"Follow me," Artemis said, leading him down one of the halls.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

John awoke feeling completely refreshed and ready to go, which was a bit annoying as it was hard to be lazy when you felt so energetic. Still it was much better than the hyperactivity the Speed Force forced on you.

The room they'd given him was something like a high-tech hotel room, lacking in style but very comfortable.

Retracing his steps to the central hub he found the teens receiving training from Black Canary and Green Arrow. Black Canary training them in hand to hand while Green Arrow was lecturing Artemis, Robin, and Kid Flash on trajectories and angled shots.

The Flash appeared in front of him and let out a high pitched beep.

"Was that binary?" John asked confused for a moment before realizing what had happened.

"Sorry about that," Flash apologized, "I forgot you ditched the super speed."

John snorted. "More like you were making sure I did."

The Flash shrugged. "Can you blame me?"

"Not really, but as I can give myself super speed at any time, I don't really see it as all that important whether or not I have it right now," John replied.

"I met The Dark," Flash said.

"The who?" John asked.

"The Dark," Flash explained. "You didn't keep up enough to find out what he named himself?"

John waved it off figuring out who he was talking about, "He's a born hero, I didn't feel the need. Let me guess, 'By the time the light arrives The Dark is already there?"

"A really catchy catch phrase," Flash admitted. "If I didn't already have one I'd be tempted to use it. I met him and I have to say if you had to give your powers to anyone, he was the perfect choice."

"I know," John said. "So, what's up or did you really just stop by to gab?"

"Six of one, half a dozen of the other," Flash admitted. "So, what's with offering to give powers to the team?"

"They've entered a very dangerous profession, why wouldn't I offer them a leg up to make it a bit safer for them?" John asked.

The Flash looked thoughtful. "That is a very good point. How many ways of empowering people do you know?"

"Super speed and physical enhancement are two of the easiest ways to empower them that have little in the way of downsides. I could come up with more, but I don't really feel the need to," John said.

"Do you know more or do you think finding out more would be that simple?" Flash asked curiously.

"I know it's that simple," John replied. "If you want to go with external sources of power, all it takes is a little research into the power rituals and any number of gods would enhance someone who followed their rules and put out a barbecue for them a couple of times a year."

"Seriously?" Flash asked.

"Captain Marvel and Black Adam are both powered by a group of gods," John replied. "Ask Marvel, he'll tell you who they are."

"I think I'll stick with my formula," Flash said, "less hassle all around."

"Talk to Wonder Woman about how to call on Hermes," John suggested, "I'm pretty sure you are either related to him or calling on the power he represents. Either way he can probably give you some insight into ways to use super speed you haven't thought of and I hear he's a pretty cool guy."

"I could probably share some ribs with him, Flash said. "I'll see what Wonder Woman thinks."

"So, you guys got a lab I can use or are you supposed to dissuade me from empowering Artemis?" John asked, as the training ended.

"I'm probably supposed to talk you out of it, but you've got a point about it making things safer for her," Flash admitted. "You'll probably have to convince some of the others to let you use a lab, but you've got my vote."

Green Arrow and Black Canary made their way across the cave with Artemis following behind.

"How sure are you that it's safe?" Green Arrow asked Artemis. "A lot of times these super formulas have a tendency to explode."

"I didn't blow up," John interjected, "and neither has anyone else using this formula. Now if you'd chosen super speed… we'd definitely have to deal with the explosion that, that formula seems to require, but this one is just four hours of pain and then eating like a horse."

"I think I'm willing to undergo some pain to become bulletproof," Artemis said firmly.

"The formula for just bullet proof involves an explosion and electrocution," John offered, thinking of Luke Cage. "Of course, just being bulletproof has a lot of problems since it does nothing for your bones or internal organs."

"How many formulas do you know?" Black Canary asked incredulously.

"I've never really sat down and counted them," John said. "You learn a lot of strange things as a writer."

"Speaking of," Black Canary said, "was the pre-teen orgy really necessary in 'It'?"

John sighed. "I'm going to be explaining that one forever!"

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Now, I have your word you won't be recording this and trying to recreate the formula, right?" John asked seriously.

"My hand on it," Wonder Woman said holding a hand to shake.

John clasped forearms with her and smiled. "Alright." He turned to Artemis. "Why are you stripping?"

"I thought I'd have to strip because I'd be swelling up," Artemis replied, pulling her sweat shirt back down.

"You won't be getting huge or anything, just… about Wonder Woman size," John said after considering it, "and it's not like tight clothes are going to hurt you if bullets won't."

"Science has advanced far in Man's world," Wonder Woman said.

"Nah, this is alchemy, just like the speed formula," John said as he assembled the chemicals he needed from what they'd provided, ignoring two thirds of the chemicals, as they were just there to confuse matters.

"Alchemy?" Black Canary asked looking surprised.

"The magic version of Chemistry," John replied as he took out four auto injectors and loaded each of them with a quarter of the prepared formula. He dumped varying amounts of chemicals down the drain before returning the containers.

"Making it harder for anyone to figure out the formula?" Wonder Woman asked with approval.

"A little paranoia never hurts," John said. He turned to Artemis. "Ok, drop your pants and bend over." He rolled his eyes as she pulled down everything, but didn't comment, as he passed a pair of injectors to Wonder Woman. "When I say go, inject her right arm and the back of her right thigh while I do the left."

"Just say when," Wonder Woman said, amused as the young blonde archer blushed, realizing she was mooning them for no reason.

"Now," John said, injecting Artemis' left leg while Wonder Woman did her right arm and then her left arm while Wonder Woman did her right leg."

"Can I pull up my pants?" Artemis asked.

"A bit too late for that," John said as Artemis groaned as her muscles cramped up, the stainless steel bending under her fingers.

"Four hours?" Black Canary asked as Artemis whimpered.

"Lots of pain, lots of gain," John replied. "I cried like a wuss while going through it, but that was at least partially because I did a single injection site and I am indeed a wuss."

"So, four injection sites will cut down on the time?" Black Canary asked.

"Couldn't make it worse," John said with a shrug as he peeled her fingers out of the metal and pulled her up on the table. "You massage that side, I'll get this one," he told Wonder Woman.

"You don't know?" Black Canary asked.

"Not a clue," John admitted as they used their super strength to work on knotted muscles that were rapidly taking on the consistency of iron. "This is all just common sense stuff, so naturally it's never occurred to anyone before."

"By spreading the injection sites out you decrease the time it takes the formula to spread throughout her body and by massaging her we help with that, as well as allowing the muscles to relax quicker," Wonder Woman guessed.

"That's the idea," John agreed as Artemis moaned, a combination of pain and pleasure in her tone.

"I'm either going to kiss you or kill you when I get up," Artemis gasped out, as the two worked on her slowly swelling frame. "Someone kill me!"

"That's the spirit," John said cheerfully, trying to distract her. "If it makes you feel any better your ass is going to look really good."

 **An hour later**

"I think… the pains stopping," Artemis said, interrupting the joke John was in the middle of telling her.

"How long since injections?" John asked Black Canary.

"An hour and three minutes, seventeen seconds," she replied, consulting her watch.

"Hours ahead of schedule," John said, removing his hand from Artemis' thigh and grabbing a glass.

"So that's what the cherry syrup was for," Black Canary realized as the drink he was mixing began to fizz.

"Here, drink this," he said, passing it to the prone archer.

"What is it?" she asked as she sipped it through the straw.

"Hydrogen cyanide," John said.

Artemis froze.

"Make me one too please," Wonder Woman requested, "I haven't had a good cherry phosphate in decades."

"And if I'm the one mixing it you won't be having a good one now," John said with a grin as he passed one to Wonder Woman, mixing another two.

"What's this for?" Artemis asked.

"It tastes good and helps settle the stomach," John replied, before taking a sip of his own.

"It's good," Wonder Woman told him.

"Why'd you say it was cyanide?" Artemis asked.

"Because part of it is," Black Canary replied, enjoying her own, "just not enough to matter."

"It's part of the chemical reaction," Wonder Woman explained.

"Do we need to do anything else?" Artemis asked.

"Nope," John replied, "you are now a fully fledged superhuman. Use the straw and don't try to pick up the glass because you'll shatter it."

"Ok," Artemis said, relaxing and enjoying her drink along with the lack of pain. "Do we have a mirror in here, because I want to see how much I've changed."

John wheeled a full length mirror over and Artemis carefully got up and shredded her pants and underwear trying to pull them up. With a chuckle she ripped the rest of her clothes off and examined herself in front of the mirror.

"Do you mind turning around?" Black Canary asked with a frown.

"Why?" Artemis asked turning so her back was to the mirror. "Wow, you were right. My ass really does look good."

John raised his glass to Wonder Woman's and they tapped them together. "To a successful experiment. Her empowerment went better than mine did and there is zero malformation of her musculature keeping to her slender build."

"I'm the only one who cares about nudity in here, aren't I?" Black Canary realized.

"My culture lacks your nudity taboo," Wonder Woman reminded her.

"I was raised by assassins," Artemis pointed out, "nudity was just another weapon."

Black Canary turned to John.

"I'm a writer," he replied cheerfully.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: Yeah, Batman is definitely super prideful and arrogant, and while I agree that he has done amazing things that he should be proud of, the blatant ignorance towards magic, which has screwed him over in the past, and subtle disdain towards anyone with super powers/metahumans is rather telling. His immediate assumption that John was a murderer/cannibal because he had powers and wasn't a confirmed super hero is pretty much par for the course for him. Either you're a hero, a villain, or are going to become a villain any day now, honestly with his paranoia that causes him to have takedown plans for every single hero he knows of, and his attitude towards anyone with powers, I'm surprised he hasn't made more empowered people villains or at least have the goal to kill him. Thinking about it, that's probably at least a subconscious reason he hasn't had any of his proteges trained in magic or looked into empowering them, he doesn't want to make it any harder to take them out if it becomes necessary, the whole "Just because I taught you everything you know, doesn't mean I've taught you everything I know" mindset.**


	25. Endless Summer Days 1

"Put your hand in mine-"

 ***BANG***

Ron's hand smacked down on his alarm clock cutting the sound off. "They need some new songs."

He got up and stretched, surprised to find that all his bruises were healed and the burn he got from Shego had vanished. "Must have used my MMP in my sleep," he decided as he got up.

He didn't feel like questioning his good fortune and took a shower instead. One of the few good things about having continually absent parents was not being rushed in the shower or worrying about someone else using up all the hot water.

After a nice hot shower he went to grab a glass of milk from the fridge only to find Kim in his kitchen again. "Eek!" Ron hid behind the kitchen door. "KP I'm only in my skivvies here!"

Kim rolled her eyes but anyone who knew her could tell she was amused. "Ron I've seen you in far less than just a pair of boxers and a t-shirt."

"It's the social context KP," Ron complained. "Two teens alone in my place… I don't want to become an unwed teen mother!"

Kim smothered a laugh and cleared her throat before saying as seriously as possible, "Ron, in the highly unlikely event that I get you pregnant… I promise to take responsibility."

"You mean it?" he asked cautiously.

"Pinky swear," Kim said holding up her pinky.

"Well, if you swear," Ron said holding out a hand from behind the door with his pinky extended.

Kim gave it a shake with her own pinky. "I promise if I ever get you pregnant, I will marry you the very first moment we can arrange a proper ceremony."

"Well alright then," Ron said, relaxing and stepping out from behind the door.

"Mom sent me over to see if you wanted to join us for breakfast," Kim said.

Ron sprinted out of the room and Kim started counting, "...eight, nine."

Ron appeared fully dressed before she could say ten. "Ready KP?"

"Ready," she agreed following him out the door. "So, what do you have planned for today?"

"It's the last week of summer, I plan on doing nothing," Ron said cheerfully. "Besides, yesterday was busy enough."

"I can't believe you are planning on doing literally nothing," Kim said as they entered her house.

"But KP I have to do a whole lotta nothing now because if I waited till I was in school to do it, nothing would not get done!" he proclaimed.

"I actually understood that and that scares me," James Possible said before he finished his coffee and got up from the table. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must be off to work."

"Remember to stop for gas," Anne reminded him.

"I'll remember," he said. "The last thing I want to do is run out of gas half way home from work."

This entire scene seemed familiar to Ron. "Or forget your wallet on your bedside table and your security badge on the sink in the bathroom."

James' hands went to his back pocket and then his shirt pocket. "I think you're right. Be right back."

Kim turned to Ron. "Been stalking my dad?" she joked as James went up the stairs.

"It's what I remember him doing last time," Ron said.

"He is a creature of habit," Anne said cheerfully as she made a plate for Ron.

"Tell me someone who isn't," Kim said with a grin.

"I don't know," Ron said thoughtfully before eating a spoonfulof eggs, "occasionally people can surprise you, like Shego using one of her kicks to launch a fireball, knowing you won't expect it."

"That would be something to watch out for," Kim agreed, realizing there was no reason Shego couldn't launch a fireball from her feet.

James returned with his ID in place. "Anything else I'm forgetting?"

"That some guy from work will steal your parking space?" Ron asked with a shrug.

"Morgan!" James growled. "I've gotta run; he arrived five minutes early yesterday and almost got it!" James gave his wife a kiss on the cheek and ran out of the house.

"Are you sure you're not stalking my dad?" Kim teased.

Ron grinned. "He complained about it yesterday when we came back from dealing with Drakken and Shego's attempt to steal the Star of India, that huge Ruby on display in the museum," he replied. "Don't you remember?"

Kim frowned. "Ron, we haven't had a mission in two weeks."

"Are you feeling ok, KP?" Ron asked concerned.

"Ron," Anne said, "Kimberly hasn't been called for a mission in the last two weeks, not since Killigan tried to destroy the local mini-putt because the course was too easy."

Ron frowned. "I can remember it clear as day. Kim was upset because Monique had called her about a flash sale at the mall and she'd been in line when the call came in. I heard about it a lot!"

Anne laughed. "I can see her doing that, but-"

Kim's phone went off and she answered it. "Hey, Monique?"

The two redheads turned to look at Ron.

"Are you calling about a flash sale at the mall?" Kim asked. "Yeah… I gotta go. I'll explain later."

"A second flash sale?" Ron asked.

"Ron, what's today?" Kim asked.

"August 28th," he replied. "Why?"

"It's the 27th," Kim said.

"That was yesterday," Ron said.

"No, that's today," Kim said showing him her phone.

Ron pulled out his phone. "Weird."

"So... the Star of India?" Kim asked.

"Drakken needed it to focus a laser or something using the observatory's telescope," Ron explained. "He didn't say why."

"I'm going to call this in," Kim said.

"I don't suppose you remember the winning number for today's Powerball?" Anne asked jokingly.

"I never play," Ron replied with a shrug.

"My partner thinks it's tomorrow and recalls Drakken trying to steal the Star of India today," Kim reported. "It's a prime target and speaking as someone who has had to fight a professional wrestler empowered by an Egyptian god, I'm not willing to just write it off."

"It's really the 27th?" Ron asked.

"It really is," Anne assured him.

"I wish I'd known that yesterday," Ron said.

"Pardon?" Anne asked, unsure what he'd meant.

"Well if I'd known on the first 27th that there would be a second one I would have memorized some things, like the lotto numbers, but also stocks. Not to mention I would have laid the smooch on a couple of girls to see how they'd respond."

"A couple?" Anne asked with a raised eyebrow.

"If the day was just going to start over, I could act without worrying about consequences or hurting anyone's feelings and get some answers to who feels what and why," Ron explained.

Anne considered that. "I suppose that's reasonable. If time is just going to reset and wash away everything you've done like footprints in the sand, then kissing a few girls isn't the worst thing you can spend it doing."

"Did you see Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray?" Ron asked eagerly.

"Ron, everyone has seen Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray," Kim said before turning back to her phone. "Just report it," Kim ordered the person on the other side of the phone.

"I've seen every movie Bill Murray has ever been in," Anne assured him, "the man is hilarious."

"Well they cut out a large chunk of the story to make the movie and went with a more upbeat ending than was originally planned," Ron said. "See he was supposed to be in the time loop for thousands of years and go nuts in some parts. Now me personally, I wouldn't have a lot of the problems he had since I'm not stuck in a small town, so I'd have a lot more to see and do. I've got a great life, good friends, and I'm young."

"Ok, I can see having a great life and good friends as making everything a lot more enjoyable but young? Never mind, I think I've got it," she said before he could answer. "Even with additional memories being added stretching back years, your brain chemistry would remain the same keeping you enthusiastic about life, which Bill's character was not."

"Exactly," Ron said cheerfully.

"I've let GJ know," Kim told Ron, "and even if it turns out to just be a dream a little extra surveillance on Drakken and Shego isn't a bad idea."

"Too weird to be a dream," Ron said. "I'm thinking Groundhog's Day, though it's probably just wishful thinking, It's probably just some little universal blip because of… I dunno, some Mad Scientists machine like in 12:01. But if I was going to be stuck in a loop, I'd rather it be longer like a week or… You know what would be really cool?"

"What?" Kim asked.

"Getting to redo every day like three times," Ron said. "Give me three tries for every day and I'd be racking up a really high score easy."

"I think I'd rather have a week," Kim said. "Pay attention the first time through, relax and have fun the second while making plans, and stick the landing with the third one."

"Well, if this is the second run through and I don't have to worry about consequences…" He grinned and Kim froze, wondering if he was going to kiss her. Ron turned and threw his arms around Anne much to her surprise. He kissed her on the cheek and hugged her. "You have been the best mom ever! I hardly ever see my mother, but thanks to you I know what a mother is supposed to be like and I love you!"

Anne hugged him back tearing up. "You've been a great, son," she told him, "always looking out for Kimberley, trying to help people, and being a good role model for your little brothers."

Kim grinned. This was what she should have expected from him, it was sweet, out of the blue, and made perfect sense in retrospect. "I'm going to go hit the mall," Kim announced. "I'll see you either after lunch or when they call us in to deal with Drakken and Shego."

"I have the sudden urge to tell you to clean up your room and not slouch so much," Anne joked as she released Ron and he waved goodbye to Kim.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Exactly how did you know what Drakken was going to do?" Betty Director asked Ron, as soon as Team Possible entered the briefing room.

"Woke up this morning remembering all of today as having happened yesterday," Ron replied.

"He was positive it was the 28th until I pointed out what the date was," Kim offered. "He was pretty convincing and it's not like a little extra surveillance on those two is a bad thing."

"Indeed," the director agreed with a nod. "Well, you'll be pleased to hear that with our agents in place in advance, Dr Drakken and Shego were taken down with minimal effort."

"When you guys didn't call us in, I figured I must have dreamed it all," Ron said.

"No, you were right on target," the director said. "Would you mind taking a test for psychic potential?"

"You think Ron's psychic?" Kim asked surprised.

The director of Global Justice chuckled. "We are not sure what Ron is, but psychic could explain a few things."

"Easy on the ego," Ron joked with a fake pout before he grinned. "Sure, I'd be happy to."

"Excellent," Betty Director said. "I'll have Dr Hasken run you both through it."

"Both?" Kim asked surprised.

"If you don't mind of course," the director said, "some of the tests require a partner and I believe that if he can connect to anyone it would be someone he trusts."

"Oh," Kim said perking up. "I'll be glad to."

 **Several hours later…**

"What are the results?" Betty Director asked eagerly.

"Confusing, but considering the subject that's understandable," Dr Hasken replied, taking off his glasses and cleaning them with a handkerchief before putting them back on.

"I would complain but… that's kinda understandable," Ron admitted.

"The standard Zener card test started off with him getting random results, well within the bounds of chance, but after a quick run through they started getting all of them right. Separating them so they could only hear one another dropped the number back down to random chance for a full run and then they started getting all of them correct as well," Hasken reported. "Finally, we had them communicate through typing and all statistical anomalies vanished."

"In other words, they test like field agents who are long time partners," Betty said with approval.

"Far beyond what their years would suggest, but yes," Dr Hasken agreed.

Ron and Kim did a quick fist bump without even looking at one another.

"Remote viewing was a complete bust," Dr Hasken reported.

"It's a very vague talent even when present," Betty said dismissively. "Next?"

"A simple test of telekinesis, moving a carefully balanced piece of paper on top of a pencil inside a sealed tank…" he let his voice trail off and Ron looked a bit guilty while Kim looked at him curiously.

"The subject materialized a four foot glowing sword that cut through the tank," Hasken reported. "He then scolded the sword like it was an overenthusiastic puppy and it vanished."

Betty turned to Ron who was studying his feet. "I can see you do not wish to talk about the sword, so I will simply ask one question, if that's ok with you."

"Maybe," Ron hedged.

"Psychic ability or mystic artifact?" Betty asked.

"Artifact," Ron admitted.

"Did you come in contact with the artifact before or after we started the 'Ron factor' file?" Betty questioned him. "I only want to know so I can dismiss it as a factor."

"After," Ron said.

"Alright," she said. "Is it in anyway connected with seeing the future?"

Ron opened his mouth, paused and closed it while he considered that. "I'd say no, but do I have a way to check. Give me a couple of days."

"Alright, we'll dismiss that from consideration," Betty Director told him, getting a relieved smile from the blonde. "Next?"

"Pyrokinesis is a simple test involving a lit candle a dozen feet away from the subject and seeing if he can influence it," Dr Hasken said. "While he showed no ability to increase the size of the flame, he did manage to put it out. However thorough examination of the footage shows that what we thought was a simple hand gesture, appears to have been a martial arts technique that is considered nothing more than legend and rumour by our combat instructors and is used for putting out candles to aid in infiltration."

Ron was again examining his feet.

"I believe we can table that one," Betty said making a note to add it to the Ron file.

"Have you been going on missions without me?" Kim asked Ron.

"No," Ron said, "ask director Betty, she'll tell you. I'm not assigned missions without you, even if you have gone on missions without me."

"Except for the brief test to see how you'd perform apart we have not sent Ron on any missions without you," Betty assured her.

"Ok," Kim said.

"Now the physical adept test showed some interesting results," Hasken said with a smile. "His physical abilities are well above what should be physically possible for a young man with his build."

"Secret or psychic?" Betty asked Ron.

Ron shrugged. "Unless I was glowing, it was probably psychic," he replied, "but the tests were all way-easy and Kim could have blown through them."

"Glowing?" Dr Hasken asked, but at a gesture from the director, fell silent.

"We already knew Miss Possible was a physical adept," the director assured him.

"I'm a what now?" Kim asked.

"Physical adept," Betty Director explained. "It's in your file."

"I didn't notice it," Kim said. "So, what is a physical adept?"

"Someone who can use their mind to unlock their body's true potential," Dr Hasken explained. "It takes focus and years of training or in some cases just a natural aptitude."

"It's what allows you to pick up martial arts so easily and keep up with Shego, an empowered human," Betty Director explained.

"That… makes a lot of sense," Kim said thoughtfully.

"I'm surprised you're a physical adept, but considering everything you go through I really shouldn't be," Betty told Ron. "It is dangerously easy to underestimate you." She made a mental note to add that to his file as well.

Ron just shrugged. "Ok, so are we any closer to figuring out why I repeated a day or if it was going to happen again?"

"You think it's going to happen again?" Betty Director asked.

"If it happened once it can happen twice," Ron replied. "I even went through all the trouble of memorizing the winning lotto number and some stocks."

"That is a very practical response," Betty Director decided after a moment's thought. "Will Du," she called out.

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied as he entered the room.

"Bring me the Step Back Code," she ordered.

"Step Back Code?" he asked confused.

"One of the Crazy Eight," she replied.

"Yes, Ma'am, right away Ma'am," he said heading off.

"Crazy Eight?" Ron and Kim chorused.

"Global Justice is a spy agency tasked with dealing with quite a few… unusual occurrences," Betty explained. "Being a government agency, we are required to prepare for things that are nearly impossible. The Crazy Eight are the codes for eight situations we believe are never going to occur."

Will Du returned slightly out of breath with a silver envelope that he handed to the director. "I retrieved the code and it was automatically canceled as per procedure, Ma'am."

"If it's cancelled then what good-" Kim stopped herself. "The code is good right up till the moment it's revealed, so it would only work for someone who actually went back in time," she realized.

Betty Director smiled but before she could compliment Kim on her sound reasoning another agent came in and handed her a message. Reading it she looked faintly surprised then chuckled and passed it to Ron.

"What's this?" he asked as he started reading it.

"Half a dozen missions that went wrong costing lives today," Betty said with a smile that seemed out of place. "When you give me the Step Back Code, order me to cancel them."

"These are from different agencies," Ron said curiously.

"All agencies are notified when the Step Back Code is prematurely cancelled," she explained, "and part of the procedure is for them to report on situations where advanced notice would have prevented lives being lost."

"Cool," Ron said smiling and holding up a hand so everyone would be quiet, so he could concentrate on memorizing the list. "Got it!" he said after a minute.

Betty passed him the code, while Kim looked over the list.

"Golden Goose?" he asked. "That seems strangely fitting.

"It's random," she assured him.

"CIA," Kim tested Ron.

"Two missions," he replied. "Missions Velvet and Cogsworth."

"Natural parks?" Kim asked a bit surprised to find them on the list.

"Yellowstone, rabid grizzly," Ron answered.

"The Department of Fish and Game are included among the agencies notified," Betty Director explained. "It's probably due to some old law like the Texas Rangers being required to receive training from them in dealing with wildfires, but as they are actually better about filing the correct documents than most agencies, no one has bothered trying to have them removed from the list."

"I'm really hoping I only go through two repeats of each day," Ron said, "but if this was only a one off I'm going to be really disappointed I couldn't save these people."

"Why two repeats of each day?" Betty Director asked curiously. "That's a strangely specific number."

"Pay attention the first day to gather data, spend the second day planning while you relax a little, stick the landing on the third," Ron explained.

"What if it's an endless repeat due to some experiment like 12:01?" Will Du asked.

"Then I'll have plenty of time to figure out how to stop it," Ron replied.

Will Du nodded, wrote a note and passed it to Ron.

Betty Directory raised an eyebrow.

"My mother lives in Wyoming," he explained embarrassed. "It's her number and a request to send her the winning numbers for that state."

"Fair enough," Betty said amused. "It's secondary to your main objective," she reminded Ron.

"I've got it," he assured them.

"NSA," Kim snapped at Ron.

"Mission Peacock," he replied easily.

"How can you remember all of this so easily, but can't remember the date they made the Declaration of Independence?" she asked. "I mean it's the fourth of July for Pete's sake!"

"This information is important and true," Ron replied.

"And the date of the Declaration of Independence isn't?" she demanded.

"What did George Washington Carver do?" Ron asked, seemingly out of the blue.

"George Washington Carver?" Kim replied before something sparked in her memory. "He invented peanut butter."

"No, he didn't," Ron replied. "Peanut butter was used by the both the Incas and the Aztecs. George Washington Carver made it popular and came up with hundreds of peanut based recipes, but what he should be known for is introducing crop rotation to the farms in the South. The amount of good he did with that alone was amazing. A lot of what you get taught in school is only good for trivial pursuit and is often wrong. I find it really hard to memorize lies and misinformation regardless of how 'important' I'm told it is."

"Oh," Kim said surprised.

"Besides the Declaration of Independence was made on the Second of July," Betty Director said amused.

"Then why do we celebrate on the fourth?" Will Du asked curiously.

Because that's when they got everyone rounded up to sign it," she replied with a smirk.

"Why'd it take two days?" Kim asked.

"Because once they made their Declaration of Independence from Great Britain they celebrated with a huge party and they had to be sobered up to sign the actual documentation on the fourth," Betty said.

"Well, enough about history," Ron said. "I am going to go home and eat an entire gallon of ice cream and prank call Bonnie."

"You'll make yourself sick," Kimwarned.

"If time resets it won't matter and if I wake up with a stomach ache I'll know time didn't reset the instant I wake up," Ron explained.

"And prank calling Bonnie?" Kim asked.

"It's still early, I have to do something to pass the time," Ron explained, waving goodbye to Will and Betty.

"I can't tell if that's brilliant or stupid," Will admitted after the teens had left.

"That statement is made quite a lot in regards to Mr Stoppable," the director replied.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Put your hand in mine-"

 ***BANG***

Ron woke up and his stomach felt fine. That thought brought a flood of memories and he instantly came fully awake. He had a phone call to make!

 **Fifteen minutes later**

Kim opened the door to Ron's house with her key and found him already waiting for her.

"Breakfast at your house," he said cheerfully.

"Mom wanted me to invite you," Kim asked. "How'd you know?"

"I'll tell you when we get there," Ron replied, taking the lead with a bounce in his step.

"You're energetic today," Kim noted surprised.

"All will be explained in a moment," Ron said as they walked next door and found her parents already eating, the twins still away at space camp.

"Good morning Ron," Anne said cheerfully, always happy to see the boy she'd practically raised.

Ron stepped forward and gave Anne a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Morning Mom," he said. "I'm doing some sort of Groundhog's Day thing where I'm repeating days." He handed her a piece of paper. "Here's the numbers for today's lotto."

"You called me Mom," she said, barely even noticing the rest, while James and Kim just stared in open mouthed shock.

"You've been my Mother in all but name for at least a decade," he told her making her eyes water as she gave him a hug that nearly cracked his ribs. "I just never realized I had to say anything till now."

"Groundhog's Day?" James asked.

"This is my third time living through this day," Ron explained. "Kim, I need your phone to call Global Justice. Your number is cleared to connect to them, but mine isn't apparently."

"No joke?" Kim asked seriously.

"No joke," Ron told her as Anne reluctantly released him to make him a large plate of food.

"Here," she handed him her phone.

"Mr Possible," he said, "you left your wallet on the nightstand, security badge next to the sink, you need to stop for gas and if you don't hurry Morgan is going to steal your parking spot."

"Morgan!" James growled before rushing off.

Ron hit the button to call Global Justice. "No this is Ron Stoppable. The Step Back Code is Golden Goose, I repeat the Step Back Code is Golden Goose. I'll wait for you to verify."

"Why did you give me the lotto numbers?" Anne asked.

"You joked about them on my second run through," Ron explained. "Hello. Yes director I used the code. I have half a dozen missions that need to be cancelled immediately. Probably not the one from Fish and Game though, they just need more people with bigger guns. Rabid grizzly."

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

"Put your hand in mine-"

 ***BANG***

Ron woke up. "Rats, I was hoping it was a simple three day deal. Oh well, time to make some calls." He picked up his phone and dialed a number from memory. "Hello, Mrs Du? No, though I am calling on orders from your son…"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: In most stories people always have to bend over backwards to provide proof they are repeating the same day over and over, so I thought 'what if it happened in a world where strange things already occur?'**

 **TN: Seems like a lot of fun, hope there's more and we get to see Ron try his luck with the ladies.**

 **Complete joke omake by fyrewolf5, since there is nothing definitive about the timeline here other than it's after the ninja training (S2) and before the junior prom when Ron and Kim get together (end of S3) I'm going to guess Ron and KP are 16 and it's the summer break before junior year. Since their US state is never confirmed in the show and in most of the country the age of consent is 16 there will be implied adult situations, nothing graphic though, and the ending is compressed so this isn't as long as the actual chapter.:**

"Put your hand in mine-"

 ***BANG***

Ron woke up once more on the 27th, after several repeats he now had the perfect list of what order to call everyone he needed to, and what to say to get the proper results before Kim would even arrive at his back door.

Deciding to try something new today and find out how some people really felt about him, Ron started to make a mental list of the girls he knew and might enjoy going out with. Since his partner and best friend KP was a cheerleader and he was the mascot for the Mad Dogs, his mind immediately wandered to the cheerleaders and a few of the other popular girls at school. However, since it was summer break, they weren't as easy to run into right now, so it might take him a few attempts to find them and get a chance to see how they would act.

Knowing that GJ originally called them in while Kim was in line for the flash sale, Ron realized some of the girls would undoubtedly be there as well, and he may even be able to score some points by tipping them off to it, especially if he could get contact details for any of the girls that missed the sale. However, that still left him with the conundrum of who to try and find first, then he remembered he knew where one smoking hot babe would be, someone so far out of his league he'd never even try if he didn't know that when it went horribly wrong he'd be the only one that knew about it afterwards.

Joining Kim and the Possible parents for breakfast once Kim arrived and invited him over, he once again let Anne know how he considered her his mother, and warned James of Morgan's attempt to steal his parking spot and missing items. After Monique called to let Kim know of the flash sale and she ran off to go shopping, Ron returned home to grab his scooter. It may not be the best ride in the world but it beat walking.

Heading over to where he had heard she was prior to being called by GJ to deal with Drakken and Shego trying to steal the Star of India, Ron pulled off the road and hid his scooter so no one would spot it from the road, and using a touch of MMP he quickly scaled over the security fence surrounding the property. Fortunately there didn't seem to be any other immediate security measures he'd have to deal with beyond some cameras. Staying in their blind spots as they swept the grounds, Ron snuck over to the building and started working his way around the outside, listening for any hints of where she might be.

Luck was definitely on his side today, as he headed towards the backyard, Ron could hear the sound of someone swimming in a pool. Taking a peek around the corner he was able to confirm a few things, first it was who he was looking for and she was focused on swimming laps so hadn't noticed him, second she was alone, and third that her phone was on a table next to a sun lounger between him and the pool. Summoning all the stealth skills he learned from Yamanouchi he snuck over and checked the phone to find her contact details, quickly memorizing them and putting the phone back exactly where it had been, then sneaking back out of sight.

Once he was sure he wouldn't forget anything, Ron stopped hiding his presence and walked to the corner of the building and leaned against the wall where he could easily be spotted from the pool if anyone bothered to look.

Admiring her shapely form while she swam, he waited until she took a break at the edge of the pool and whistled appreciatively. "Hey hot stuff!" Ron called out, getting her attention, confusion, anger, and a ball of glowing green plasma thrown at his head.

Ducking the first ball then dodging away from the building to avoid the second Ron held up his hands and called out, "Peace, I'm alone, just wanted to talk about something without GJ or KP freaking out."

While still annoyed at the interruption, Shego was curious enough to listen when she saw the buffoon appeared to be alone. "Fine, sidekick, what do you want, and where's the Princess anyways? I'm surprised she let you out of her sight." When there were no sudden attacks or screams from an enraged red head, she figured he was probably being honest.

Climbing out of the pool, so they could talk more comfortably, she was amused and slightly flattered that while Ron was obviously enjoying her bikini and taking a few glances at how it showed off her body he wasn't staring or drooling as many guys often did. She'd have been less impressed if she realized he'd gotten it out of his system by checking her out before announcing himself.

Making his way over to one of the seats, Ron asked, "Has Dr D explained what he needs you to steal today?"

Surprised and wary, Shego sat in another chair close enough to talk comfortably, but not within easy grabbing range in case he was planning on trying to capture her for GJ. "No, just that we'd be heading out later today. Swimming was my warmup in case we ran into Princess. How did you know we were after something today?" she asked suspiciously.

Ron smirked and replied, "I can't give away all my secrets, but I can say it's not worth going after the Star of India, the museum has increased security today. Ask Dr D if that's what you're after, if it is you can tell him to get it himself or forget about it, either way we can talk some more."

Now very curious, Shego grabbed her phone, after checking to make sure it hadn't been tampered with and called Drakken. "Drew, I just had a very interesting conversation. Do your plans for the day involve grabbing the Star of India from the museum? They do? I think you need to check the lab for bugs, seems like someone already learned about it, and is going to get in the way. I'll see what I can find out and get back to you."

Ron waited patiently while Shego talked with Drakken, unable to hear his side of the conversation, but able to guess his response from Shego's half. Trying not to stare, but unable to completely ignore the sight of Shego in a bikini still wet from the pool, he kept taking appreciative glances at her, enjoying the way water beaded up forming droplets on her skin and ran down her body when she moved. How her bikini top clung to her and showed off her assets, something he had thought of in the past, but never really expected to be this close to without a glowing green fist of death coming towards him, which really was distracting, and prevented any enjoyment in those situations.

After finished talking to Drakken, Shego focused back on Stoppable, pleased to see he was still distracted by her and hadn't made any movement while she was on the phone. "Okay sidekick, why would you let me know that Dr D's lab was bugged, and prevent us from getting caught in a trap?" she asked him.

"First, the lab isn't bugged, I found out another way, and second, as I said earlier, I wanted to talk to you and that's not really easy to do under normal circumstances, what with you and KP fighting as soon as you see each other, so I had to get to you when that wasn't happening," Ron replied with a hint of amusement.

Thinking about it, Shego had to agree, "I suppose we don't really have time to chat when we usually run into each other, since it doesn't seem like you're going to tell me how you figured out what the plan was, what did you want to talk about?" Now that she knew it wasn't likely a trap since he just helped her avoid capture, she was very curious to find out what he wanted.

Ron just grinned and shook his head at her attempt to fish for more information. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but speaking of believing me, what's a code word or something I can tell you, to let you know I'm not messing with you, preferably something that if I had opened with it today you'd have at least listened to me before trying to fry me?"

Deciding to play along since it wasn't like she couldn't just ignore him and attack if necessary, but also wanting him to answer her questions, Shego turned towards Ron, and leaned over pretending to think, while making sure he had a good view of her cleavage. "Hmmm… That is an odd question, but let's go with 'purple lace'. That should stop you from using it during a mission, and is enough to at least make me pause, so going to explain yourself now?"

Using all the concentration he learned from ninja training, Ron was able to keep his eyes locked on Shego's, barely, much to her surprise, amusement, and annoyance. In a seemingly non-sequitur Ron instead asked, "Did you ever see Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray?"

Rolling her eyes Shego replied, "Everyone's seen Groundhog's Day."

"Well, that's how I know, I'm repeating today," Ron explained, much to her shock, "and since I've seen Kim fight you, I'm curious to see if I can manage any better against you and now seems like a good time to try without having to worry about any lasting injuries for either of us."

With all the weird things she's run into, Shego couldn't stop herself from being curious about the potential truth of Ron repeating a day. However she'd have to correct him of his delusion that he might do better against her than Princess, regardless of the claims that idiot Monkey Fist made of Stoppable being his archenemy, and when she did beat him, she might as well get something out of it since he wasn't likely going to last long enough for her to really enjoy the fight.

"Okay sidekick, but let's make it more interesting and have a wager on the fight since you seem to think you can take me out. When I win, you'll be my servant for the rest of the day, I'm thinking I'll make you carry my bags while I go shopping, make me dinner, and if you do a good job I'll let you give me a foot rub," Shego offered.

"And if I win?" Ron countered.

Shego couldn't help but burst out in laughter, doing some very enjoyable things to her body, when she finally calmed down she couldn't keep a grin off her face. "If you can somehow beat me in a fight, I'll do anything you want today that won't get me arrested; you helped me avoid capture earlier today and I have no interest in getting caught now."

Ron raised an eyebrow at that blanket offer. "Anything? Are you sure you don't want to put more limits on that, I could order you to kiss me, or do nude jumping jacks."

Shego gasped in faux shock, then ran her hands over herself, drawing his eyes over her body as they moved. Then standing up and dragging him to his feet, Shego gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "If you impress me enough, maybe you'll get another, and if you somehow do win…" wrapping her arms around his neck to make sure he couldn't get away, Shego leaned forward pressing her chest lightly against him and whispered in his ear, "I'll stick to what I offered."

Stepping back Shego enjoyed the stupefied smile Ron had plastered on his face and waited for him to regain his focus. Smirking and licking her lips when he had to adjust his pants before he fully came back to his senses.

Shaking his head, Ron asked, "Now that I'm motivated, where can we fight, and would it be easier for you to fight in your normal outfit, or are you good in that?"

Looking down, Shego sighed. "I suppose I should get changed to prevent a wardrobe malfunction, and we can fight over in the side yard, I'll meet you there." Shego headed inside grabbing her phone on the way. It seemed Shego was itching for a fight since Ron only had to wait a few minutes for Shego to arrive in the side yard in her familiar green and black jumpsuit, her hair still wet from the pool.

Getting into a ready position the two began their fight, not wanting to injure her new bag holder too badly, Shego refrained from igniting her plasma powers, and held back on her strength thinking 'This shouldn't take long.' After the first exchange she realized with some shock that she couldn't hold back and started to increase her pace, soon they were going all out except for powers.

After a last mutual exchange, they broke apart to catch their breath, and Ron commented, "That was fun, but I guess it's time to up the ante and see who's going to win."

Focusing on his MMP he brought up his powers and started to be surrounded by a blue aura much to Shego's surprise. Bringing up her own plasma powers they resumed fighting. Soon they were trading blows again and were evenly matching hit for hit, unable to land any decisive attacks until one of them deflected a blow and got in a solid hit.

 **Choose your winner:**

 **Shego:**

Knocking Ron off balance with a sweeping leg kick Shego pinned him and with a grin and said, "I win."

The rest of the day was spent as she threatened, using him to carry shopping bags, and teasing him every chance she had. At the end of the day, she gave him a good night kiss to curl his toes and told him to let her know when he wants a rematch and that he still owed her a foot rub.

 **Ron:**

Hitting Shego with a solid kick to her stomach knocking the wind out of her, and causing her to lose concentration dispelling her plasma, Ron pinned her to the ground. "Looks like I win this time."

Shego was quite shocked to lose to the sidekick of all people but could finally understand Monkey Fist's wariness of the young man. In her most seductive voice Shego asked, "So what are you going to do to… I mean, have me do now?"

Now use your imagination, since I'm not messing with another person's ratings, either he has a nice chat and figures out if they might work together, or Barry White starts playing and it fades to black.


	26. Going Solo 3

**Going Solo 3**

 **Previous chapters: ANYASEMF008, ANYASEMF013**

"Do all your friends have cool powers?" Ford demanded.

Buffy opened her mouth to reply and paused. "Maybe," she offered.

"Hang around long enough and you'll probably pick some up too," Xander told him.

"Seriously?" Ford asked, stunned.

"Sure," Xander said gesturing towards the interior and shooing Buffy and Willow off so he could talk to Ford alone.

"We'll take care of the demon," Buffy said, "you two keep an eye out topside."

"Will do, Buff," Xander said. "Telekinesis is dead easy to learn," he explained. "It takes time for most people to get good at it, but just picking it up is easy and you may find you've got some odd psychic gift in addition."

"That's so cool," Ford said in amazement. The sound of fighting came from below decks and Ford looked concerned actually taking a step or two towards it before Xander stopped him.

"Relax, they've got it," he assured him. "If they need help they'll yell."

"Die!" Buffy yelled the sound only slightly muffled by the deck.

"Not that yell," Xander told him, glad to see that Ford wasn't a complete prick. "It's probably just a handful of vamps."

"And that's not a reason to help?" Ford asked completely at sea.

"Vampires are the cockroaches of the demon world," Xander said. "If you've ever read the Evil Overlord list you would laugh at how many of the rules they break and for all their talk about how they are superior and immortal you'll notice that the number that live even a century is pretty low."

"Really?" Ford asked surprised, none of this fitting with what he thought he knew.

"Oh yeah," Xander assured him. "See vampires are blood demons inhabiting human corpses, and they are so weak that they can't even remember what they are, thinking they are the corpse they are possessing. It's why most demons look down on them."

"What about the person… who died?" he asked. "I mean, how do they have all the memories if the person isn't there?"

"Vampire blood," Xander replied. "Vampires feed them their blood as they lay dying and it keeps the corpse from decaying, so the brain is kept completely intact. It's kind of like a recording," Xander said thoughtfully, "which is probably why vamps don't adapt to new situations well and pretty much keep wearing the same style of clothes that were popular when they died."

"Can you believe this?!" Buffy demanded as she came back on deck pointing to a tear in her shirt. "That stupid vampire tore my blouse and I really liked this one too."

"I think I can help you there," Xander said.

"You have a sewing kit on you?" Buffy asked skeptically.

"No, even better," Xander said kneeling in front of Buffy and untucking her blouse.

Buffy blushed slightly and held very still not knowing what was going on. "Xander!" she exclaimed in shock as he slid a hand under her blouse.

"Pull the sides of the material tight so both sides line up," Xander ordered, the tear in the center of his palm.

"If this is a trick to feel me up, you're going to regret it," Buffy warned him while doing as he'd asked.

"Ok, now let me concentrate," Xander said, placing his palms together with the tear in between. After a minute he pulled his hands from her shirt and gestured to the now repaired material. "Tada!"

"Ok, now that is wow worthy," Buffy admitted.

"Trying to reinvent D&D cantrips?" Willow guessed.

"No, I figured it out while tying my shoes," Xander replied.

"I have no clue how that would work," Willow admitted.

Xander brushed off his knees and straightened up. "I've been practicing tying my shoes without looking," Xander replied.

The girls laughed and he rolled his eyes.

"I've been telekinetically tying my shoes without looking," Xander explained, "and I've found the farther away they are the harder it is to do-"

"Why would you practice-" Willow interrupted before bursting out laughing.

"I can't help but feel I'm missing something here," Buffy admitted.

"You and me both," Ford said.

"He wants to be able to tie people's shoes together without looking at them," Willow explained.

"Hopping vampires will be hilarious," Xander promised. "Anyway, as it turns out it's easier for me to move things close to me as I get clumsier and weaker the further it is away. So, I started working on really small things as close as possible."

"Do you do one thread at a time or multiple?" Willow asked curiously.

"Multiple," Xander said proudly. "It's easier when there is a pattern, so I can move dozens of threads at a time."

"I can't focus that small," Buffy complained. "It's got to be at least half the size of a pencil for me to do anything more than throw it. How about you?" she asked Willow.

"I can do the tiny," Willow said, "but not fine manipulation of them."

"So, what's it look like below decks?" Xander asked.

"Like an old sailing vessel," Willow replied.

"All the modern stuff is hidden," Buffy said, "it's like the ship is wearing a costume."

"It's awesome," Willow enthused.

"The vampires not so much," Buffy said. "Wanna see?"

"Sure," Xander said. "Do you know what would be funny?"

"What?" Willow asked.

"If the reason they listed it as needing an overhaul was because the only safe way to deal with the vamps was to remove the deck and expose everything inside to sunlight," Xander replied.

"If that's true this ship just became an even greater bargain," Buffy said with a grin.

"It'll still be worth the five hundred to have Miss Calendar's friends work their voodoo on the engine," Willow said.

"A tune up?" Ford guessed as he looked at the old fashioned oil lamps that were hanging in the passageways as they entered the interior.

"No, literal voodoo," Willow said, "there will be chickens and rum and everything!"

"This all looks so familiar," Xander said as they entered the captain's cabin at the rear of the ship with the large multipanel hand blown glass windows providing a bit of light as it streamed in and showed an enormous bed covered in silk pillows.

"I know," Willow said. "I swear I've seen this all before."

"As if a cabin wench like you would know anything!" Xander snarled out.

"Xander!" Buffy exclaimed, shocked.

Willow got in his face. "Better than a two bit scoundrel and thief!" she exclaimed recalling how the scene went.

"Willow!" Buffy exclaimed, never having seen the movie.

"Oh my god, this is the Flying Dutchman!" Ford exclaimed.

Willow pouted a little when Xander turned away as the next part of the scene involved throwing her on the bed.

"It's stunt double anyway," Xander said. "Not to mention a dozen other pirate ships in dozens of other movies for when they needed actual footage of the sea."

"Oh," Buffy said, finally catching on. "I was never much for pirate movies, but I do know something about how they make movies. I want it even more now."

"I'll help," Ford offered.

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked.

"Sure," he replied, "it's only money and my family is loaded."

"That is so nice of you," Buffy said. "Want to go hunting?"

"No taking him hunting tonight," Xander said, "I'm taking him to the Bronze and then I'm going to start teaching him telekinesis."

"Really?" Ford asked surprised and excited.

"Really," Xander said, "if you're going to hang around us, you'll need some kind of edge and even if you suck at it, it makes for a cool party trick."

"You're just hoping he'll turn out to have pyrokinesis," Willow guessed.

"Pyrokinesis?" Ford asked curiously.

"You get to set things on fire with your mind," Xander said with an evil grin. "Learning telekinesis the way we do can awaken psychic potential like I mentioned earlier. Eventually I will find someone who is a pyrokinetic and… well vampires are really flammable."

"Xander isn't fond of vamps," Buffy noted dryly.

"Really?" Willow asked innocently. "I hadn't noticed."

They both burst out laughing while Xander rolled his eyes but couldn't stop himself from grinning.

"You know vampires are turning out to be a lot less than advertised," Ford said, shaking his head and then turning away to hide a wince.

"They're a popular monster because people have romanticized them," Willow said, "the truth is always disappointing."

"The only thing they have over the movie version is they don't have as many allergies or restrictions," Xander said. "The big three are still the same though; fire, stake, and sunlight."

"Decapitation also works," Buffy reminded him.

"So, does driving one of their own ribs through their heart," Xander said, "but massive damage is a gimmie for everything."

"Guns don't really do a whole lot to them unless you have good aim," Buffy said.

"Blasters work like a charm," Willow said with a smirk.

"But sadly, while Janus is a great god, he is only allowed to alter reality on certain holiday," Buffy said.

"A god?" Ford asked.

"If there is a hell there has to be a heaven as well," Buffy said philosophically.

"Basically, there are as many powers above as there are below, and the ones below are trying to come here because hell sucks, while those above have put in a dress code to keep the riff raff out and occasionally send help down our way to keep the undesirables from getting here because they'd go there next," Xander said.

"That is the single most cynical thing I have ever heard," Willow said.

"I'm still bitter over them killing Buffy," Xander said with a shrug.

Ford looked over at Buffy and raised an eyebrow.

"I got better," Buffy said with a smile.

"She was only mostly dead," Willow quoted.

"Came back for true love?" Ford guessed, recognizing the quote.

"Well I did wake like Sleeping Beauty with a certain someone's lips on mine… the two hands on the chest were a bit of a new addition though," Buffy teased.

"Xander!" Willow exclaimed and smacked him in the arm making Buffy burst out laughing.

"Chest compressions," Xander reminded her, rubbing his shoulder, but grinning.

"I was drowned by a master vampire who partially drained me and then stomped off to try and conquer the world," Buffy explained.

"He didn't read the Evil Overlord's list," Ford guessed, recalling what Xander had mentioned earlier.

Buffy turned to Xander. "Have you been corrupting him?" she asked accusingly.

"Yes," Xander replied cheerfully.

"Back to the god thing," Ford requested.

"The forces of good have to follow a whole bunch of rules, limiting the help they can give us," Buffy explained.

"And considering they are concerned with the soul and not so much the body…" Xander added.

"We only really get help on the 'end of the world' scenarios," Willow said. "Of course, when you are talking about an eternity of bliss the tiny blip that is mortality doesn't really register as important to them."

"That sucks," Ford said, trying to wrap his head around the concept.

"Yes, but only briefly from their point of view," Willow explained.

"Wait, you guys go through end of the world scenarios?" Ford asked in disbelief.

"We have one world save to our name so far," Willow said proudly.

"Mostly we save individuals or the town," Buffy said.

"Of course, if the town is gone the Hellmouth would be ripe for the taking and then game over," Xander pointed out.

"Maybe," Buffy said. "Personally, I think the infighting would slow things down enough for the smarter demons to stop them."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Willow said thoughtfully.

"Sun's about to go down," Xander noted, "how about you two do a quick patrol and meet us at the Bronze?"

"Yeah, I can probably get away with a two hour shift," Buffy said thoughtfully. "Do you have the risers list?" she asked Willow.

"Memorized," Willow assured her, "and three are in the same graveyard."

"See you there," Buffy told them.

 **OoOoOoOoOo**

Ford took his shot, sinking the three but scratching. "Damn."

"It happens," Xander told him chalking his stick. "Two things to remember… don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff."

"Except when it isn't?" Ford asked as Xander sank the eight ball.

"No, even then," Xander said as he rolled all the balls to one end of the table with his pool cue. "No one gets out of life alive and if you do a good job at it you have eternity to realize how petty all the crap you worried about was."

"Eternity," Ford said before shuddering. "That still kinda freaks me out."

"Xander have you seen Buffy?" Angel asked, looking around the Bronze.

"She'll be here in a couple of hours," Xander replied, setting up the table for another game. "She just had five fledges to take care of."

"Fledges?" Angel asked, eyes darting to Ford.

"Ford is in the know," Xander said, "his prom was attacked by vamps."

"Oh," Angel said offering a hand to Ford.

"Cold hands," Ford noted, shaking Angel's hand.

"I'll go get us some drinks," Xander said. "Angel, you want anything?"

"They don't serve my type of drink here," Angel said, wondering why Xander had asked.

"A rum and coke is a rum and coke," Xander replied, "we don't drink them for the nutritional content."

Angel looked dumbfounded by the comment.

"I'll get you one," Xander said.

"Once Xander had gone Ford turned to Angel. "How'd you like to make a deal?"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: clearly Buffy and possibly Willow aren't aware of how sleeping beauty was originally woken, bit more than a peck on the lips involved.**

 **TN2: Maybe next time Willow, I'm sure Xan wouldn't mind Buffy watching/joining that scene, but don't think he was willing to let Ford.**

 **TN3: was kinda hoping Ford was going to be less of a dick once he had more info, but not that surprised he didn't.**


	27. Walking in Shadows - Failed Starts

**Failed Walking in shadows chapter starts**

 **AN: Sometimes it takes half a dozen tries before I get something workable for a new chapter. Take a look at how many tries it took for Walking in Shadows.**

 **Walking in the shadows 31 take 1**

"How can we tell if they're magical?" Cyborg asked. "I mean, we've run across a lot of beings who have powers for any number of reasons, but I wouldn't call them magical."

"I'll be able to tell," Raven assured him.

"Actually, any creature with the… ability to give Raven a real challenge might work," Xander said thoughtfully. "Since I'm making something specifically for you that you'll be putting your energy into defeating…"

"I'll be providing the magical component," Raven realized.

"Exactly," Xander agreed, "or at least in theory. I'd suggest we test the idea and see if it pans out."

"If it does it would really open up what we have to work with," Cyborg said.

"Most of the time we're fighting criminals," Raven pointed out, "not animals."

"It doesn't have to be an animal," Xander said, "we just need a sample to test the theory."

"Killing people is frowned upon," Raven pointed out dryly.

"Defeat, not kill," Xander corrected her.

"But would not the skinning of criminals also be a criminal act?" Starfire asked.

"Since we are just testing a theory, nearly any bit of them would do. I was thinking a lock of hair," Xander explained.

"You may want to explain details like that up front," Cyborg suggested.

"Just because something is obvious to you doesn't mean we'll know," Raven added.

"Got ya," Xander said. "We can use the lock of hair for something simple and compare that to one made without magical materials, to compare how effective the idea is."

"The passion of battle is a strong force," Starfire assured Raven.

 **TN: would be interesting to see this tried**

 **Walking in the Shadows outline**

 **Leaving DC -comments and annotations blaming each other skinned Trigon**

Sirius- You broke a prophecy with your penis

Xander- You skinned her father's corpse

S- You mounted his antlers on a plaque

X- You grabbed Ivy's greenhouse with her and Harley inside

S- You broke half a dozen villains out of jail and hid them in the back of the car promising them I would fix them.

X- you cast fertility spells on half the Justice League and their enemies

S- following your advice

X- that was more Aphrodite and Hera's idea I just passed them along

S- and the Amazons?

X- I got Athena's permission first, but really they needed some new blood and a number of male heroes need a little R and R.

S- I say we avoid this world in the future

X- agreed

 **AN: another funny idea that just didn't fit.**

 **TN: this seriously (or maybe siriously) needs to be the ending for when they leave this version of DC**

 **Walking in the Shadows 31 take 2**

"I can already tell this is so far beyond me that it'd take years of dedicated study for me to even begin to understand what you're doing," Xander said as he watched Cyborg demonstrate how he made his armor.

"I should be modest, but it's difficult when you're as awesome at this as I am," Cyborg said with a grin.

"At least your ego is well deserved in this case," Xander said as Cyborg lowered a replacement chest piece into an acid bath to prepare it for a surface treatment.

 **AN: Realized I'd sent him off at the end of the last chapter and I wanted it to be more about Xander and Raven interacting so I scrapped it.**

 **TN: could be good in a future chapter when some of the more advanced tools and machines are being used instead of the basic forging process**

 **Walking in the Shadows 31 take 3**

"Can you shed your skin?" Xander asked Beastboy.

"I've never been a snake long enough to need to," Beastboy replied with a shrug.

"Why do you want Beastboy's skin?" Raven asked suspiciously.

"Magical leathers are one of the easiest materials to work with," Xander explained. "So if he could shed skin at will, I could use it to show Cyborg some of my basic rune work."

"But I'm not magical," Beastboy said. "I draw on the morphic field of the planet."

"Which is an aspect of magic," Xander explained.

"Wizards tap into it for our animagus ability," Sirius said, turning into Padfoot and back again.

"Magic isn't… magic," Xander said, causing everyone to turn to him.

"Huh?" Beastboy asked.

"Magic is more art than science, but it's still science," Xander explained. "Magic can be described as defining the unobserved portions of the universe on a quantum level and locking them down."

"I can't tell if that's really wise or you're talking out your ass," Sirius said after a minute of complete science.

Xander shrugged. "A bit of both. Reality is altered by the very act of witnessing it."

"Schrodinger's cat, the future isn't defined until someone opens the box, observes the cat and collapses the waveform," Cyborg agreed.

"Magic is the act of collapsing the wave into what you want," Xander said. "Magic is completely undefined portions of existence that we define to get the results we desire, it's the chaos from which order springs!"

"My head hurts," Beastboy complained.

"Let's change the subject before Beastboy's head explodes," Raven suggested.

"And mine," Sirius added.

"Can we use regular leather?" Cyborg asked. "Just to demonstrate?"

"Sure, it'll only be partially effective, but it'll do for demonstration purposes," Xander agreed.

"Cool, I've got rolls of the stuff," Cyborg said cheerfully.

"Why would you have rolls of leather?" Raven asked.

"I made the seats in the T-mobile out of genuine cowhide!" Cyborg said proudly. He turned to Beastboy. "Sorry, but faux leather just won't do."

The green teen shrugged. "Better than skinning me."

The group descended on Cyborg's lab and he spent the first ten minutes slapping hands away from dangerous equipment and delicate tools while Xander got things ready for his demonstrations.

"Let's start with something for Star," Cyborg suggested as he used her measurements to cut and shape some basic leather armor with machine like speed and precision before passing it over to Xander.

Sirius and Beastboy wandered off to play video games, already bored at the lack of lights and explosions.

 **AN: Amusing but a bit too out there so I scrapped it.**

 **Walking in the Shadows 31 take 4**

Raven watched fascinated as Xander carved a set of runes into a leather chest piece.

"Since this is going to be designed for stealth, we need to take that into consideration when we power the runes," Xander explained.

"How do you mean?" Raven asked.

"Most chanting while enchanting is to focus the mind on what you want to accomplish, but the medium and source of power also plays a part."

"So the sacrifice of a chameleon would enhance the armor more than a goat?" she asked.

"Exactly, that's why most dedicated enchanters raise their own sacrifices, or at least learn as much about them as possible. Enchanting a pair of boots to be as sure footed as the sacrificed creature doesn't help when it's even clumsier than you are," he replied.

"Must be hard to sacrifice something you raised," Raven said.

"It's called a sacrifice for a reason. It's also why I prefer magical animals," Xander replied, "magical talents pretty much guarantee certain traits without raising it yourself."

 **AN: Didn't fit, so I junk it, though the idea of why you would raise the animal yourself was interesting.**

 **TN: I agree, not sure it would really fit unless there was a future scene where Xander was explaining things to more people, but the logic on raising animals yourself is interesting.**

 **Walking in the Shadows 31 take 5**

"Lava snakes?" Sirius asked, as Cyborg took notes on the battle that raged on screen.

"Guardian to a temple of Hephaestus," Cyborg replied. "They attack anyone who enter the volcano and since they're big enough to swallow a small car, we don't need to worry about running out of material."

"You do realize she has to defeat it herself, right?" Sirius asked, just to be sure.

Cyborg grinned. "Just because she has to defeat it doesn't mean it has to be in perfect shape, all it means is she has to get in the last blow."

Sirius considered that for a moment as he watched Wonder Woman and Hawk Woman battle a group of the serpents on screen. "As long as it's the decisive blow I think you're right."

Cyborg turned off the monitor and stood up.

 **AN: Decided that having everyone off hunting down creatures was a bit much.**

 **Walking in the Shadows 31 take 6**

"How are we defining magical?" Cyborg asked as he flipped on a monitor and brought up clips from dozens of fights with strange and unusual creatures.

"Strictly speaking it doesn't have to be magical," Xander admitted. "Any being of strength and power will work. There are a few tribes that use perfectly mundane animals to good effect, usually by requiring the hunter to limit themselves to traditional weapons. I prefer magical animals because the tougher the battle and more powerful the foe, the stronger the armor will be, and the more options I have in crafting."

"It has to be something that will challenge me," Raven said thoughtfully.

"The more energy you put in, the more you get out," Xander agreed. "A lot of magical creatures require very specific actions, like using your own blood, only during a blue moon, or at the highest point of a mountain range, but the more power you have available the less of those you have to deal with."

"Attuning materials is like tuning a radio," Cyborg realized, "the more power you have the less precision you need."

"Exactly or close enough," Xander agreed.

 **AN: Meh, didn't feel right.**

 **Final AN: sometimes it's best just to skip ahead a little rather than struggle with a scene that just won't fit or will derail things.**


	28. Endless Summer Days 2

Ron woke up and took his shower. He made a couple of calls and checked for available flights to every major airport in the world, to cover for only wanting the information for Japan.

He could have requested a jet from Global Justice, but that would have left a very visible trail, which would go against everything he'd been taught. Sure, the day repeated, but bad habits were forever, plus it would have disappointed Master Sensei and Yuri.

He had several hours until he had to be at the airport, so he decided to try out something he'd been curious about.

Entering the kitchen, he set the frying pan on the stove and got out half a pan of turkey bacon. Normally he wouldn't have done this, but he was in a time loop so he might as well try out things he'd normally never do.

 **Five minutes later**

"Ron!" Kim squealed as she entered the kitchen.

"Hey KP," he replied cheerfully, before wincing.

"You're naked!" she exclaimed unable to tear her eyes away from him as he bounced back and forth in front of the stove while he cooked.

"I'm indoors," he pointed out dodging another splatter of grease from the frying bacon before he flipped it.

"Yes but… naked!" she forced her eyes off his buns with tremendous effort.

"Not seeing 'ow!' your point," he replied as he set the bacon aside and put in three fresh strips.

"Um," she said trying to figure out what her point was. Did she have one? Suddenly it came to her. "Yes, but you're naked in a part of your house that people are normally clothed in."

"I can't cook anywhere else," he said, still bouncing back and forth concentrated on his task.

Despite how distracting his movements were she kept her focus. "Ron, why are you frying bacon naked?"

"Because it's incredibly hard to do without getting burned," Ron replied, "but I think I'm getting the hang of it." He winced as he dodged the wrong way and got tagged by a drop of hot grease. "Mostly."

"I," Kim fell silent trying to figure out why Ron was frying bacon naked. She found herself distracted by the way he moved, his very visible muscles shifting beneath his skin. Her stomach rumbled at the aroma of the bacon that was filling the kitchen and her mouth watered.

"I'm getting good at this," Ron said proudly.

"I… gotta go," Kim said, a mix of emotions filling her head.

"Kay, catch you later, KP," he replied absently, focused on his work.

Kim returned to her house.

"Where's Ron?" her mother asked.

"He's cooking breakfast," Kim replied as she took her seat.

"Already started before you could invite him?" Anne asked.

"Yeah, he was several stripped, I mean strips in," Kim said as her mother set a plate in front of her.

"We'll just have to catch him next time," Anne said.

Kim nodded and the aroma of bacon floated up from her plate, making her stomach rumble and her panties dampen.

Kim froze. 'This can not be happening, I am not getting turned on by the smell of bacon!'

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I need more practice, a lot more practice," Ron noted as he looked at all the burn marks on the front of his body. "Oh well if there's one thing I have now it's plenty of time."

 **Three hours later**

Betty Director slipped into Ron Stoppable's house, following the signal from the chip implanted in him. Normally she'd have assigned an agent to handle this interview, but Ron had invoked one of the Crazy Eight necessitating her personal involvement.

She paused as she reached the kitchen and spotted him, taking in the entire scene at a glance. Ron Stoppable was frying bacon naked, dodging as much hot grease splatter as possible while standing on a floor slick with bacon grease, and there was an enormous quantity of cooked bacon overflowing the counters.

Her first thought was that he'd had a psychotic break, possibly as a side effect of whatever event had sent him back in time or because of what he'd seen, but mentally going over his file she also noted how well he adapted to strange situations, bending and adapting to impossible situations rather than letting them break him.

"Ron, are you ok?" she asked gently.

Ron leapt back from the stove, his feet slipping on the greased floor, causing him to fall, but he caught himself on his free hand, which slipped in the grease as well. Ron rolled with the flow allowing his inertia to spin him back to his feet in a frankly unbelievable feet of acrobatics that looked like it came from a Jackie Chan movie.

"Betty Director," Ron said, "this is a surprise."

"You used the Step Back code," she said bluntly, not one to beat around the bush, "and now I find you trying to drive up the price of pork. I have questions."

"It's turkey bacon, I'm Jewish," he reminded her, "but I get where you're coming from. I'll give it to you straight. I woke up and discovered the day had repeated. Kim being my best friend listened and agreed that everything fit what I was saying so we went to Global Justice and you gave me the Step Back Code."

Ron stepped up to the stove and turned it off, setting the bacon on a plate overflowing with bacon before setting the spatula aside and turning back to her.

"You tested me for clairvoyance and got nada," he explained. "I had hoped the third run through using the code would have ended the loop but nope. This is my fourth day, so after using the code I decided to make some plans. Now, I have a lot of time on my hands, which means I have a lot of time to improve my skills."

"And the skill you chose was cooking bacon naked?" she asked, struggling to get her head around the frankly insane situation they were in.

"Yes and no," Ron said. "I know you've heard the term 'never fry bacon when you're naked' it's a funny little meme about common sense, but I'm sure you've also heard 'anything can be training'."

"I have," she agreed with a nod, seeing the sense in his seemingly senseless actions. "And what are you training by doing this?"

"For one I am now an expert at cooking bacon, which is nothing to sneer at," Ron said, "but also I have gotten better at dodging, keeping my balance on slippery surfaces, recovering for slips and falls, and have increased my pain tolerance."

"Pain tolerance?" she had to ask.

"Hot grease on the nipples, among other places," he said with a shudder.

"I doubt it's that bad," she said, amused but a little impressed at the amount of effort he'd put into this seemingly nonsensical but ultimately practical training exercise.

Ron smirked and offered her his spatula.

Betty started stripping, seeming completely comfortable with doing so.

Ron's jaw dropped while other things rose as the extremely fit older woman disrobed in his kitchen. He quickly grabbed a dish towel to cover himself with, but it just seemed to make things worse as it now looked like he was flying a white flag from his groin.

Taking the spatula and carefully moving across the grease slick linoleum, Betty Director sported her own smirk as she laid several strips of turkey bacon in the pan.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

Kim took a deep breath as she stared at the door to Ron's house. She could deal with this. Ron was attractive, that was not an unknown concept, just one she hadn't felt personally until this morning. She was Kim Possible, she could deal.

She grabbed the door handle and slowly turned the knob. As the door opened and the scent of freshly cooked bacon filled her nostrils, she felt her nipples grow hard, and she wondered if this was how fetishes started.

"Augh my nipple!" a female voice called out.

"Hah! Told ya!" Ron crowed.

Kim shut the door. "Tomorrow, I'll deal with it tomorrow."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

*Put your hand in mine*

Ron did his new morning routine and then started cooking bacon once more, this time using the spatula to deflect grease splatters. He was quite pleased with his progress by the time Betty showed up.

"Ron, are you ok?" came the gentle female voice from behind him.

"Good morning… afternoon, Betty," Ron said cheerfully, before turning off the stove and turning to face her. "I'm in a time loop, reliving the same day over and over. Since I have all the time in the world, I can practice a number of skills just because I can. What I was just doing was a variation you suggested, using the spatula to deflect grease while cooking."

"How long have you been in the loop?" she asked, concerned for his sanity, as enough time could break anyone.

"This is day five," Ron replied.

She looked at all the bacon and back to Ron, now very concerned.

"Training without being obvious does look strange," he admitted, "but I've still got all my marbles."

"I'd think you'd get bored," she said honestly.

Ron laughed. "I like cooking and the training is challenging, plus Kim's response is funny as hell. Also, yesterday you joined me in training."

"I did?" Betty asked running through all the possible reasons she could have done so in her head, instantly trusting that what he said was the truth as she knew him quite well. She considered the stresses he would be subjected to by experiencing something humans weren't designed to experience and decide he needed a source of relief available to him.

"You did," he said with a grin. "And after the first splatter of grease hit your nipple you even conceded that I was working on my pain tolerance as well."

"I'll have to try it myself to see," Betty said as she began disrobing. It had been quite a long time since she'd been required to do any seduction missions, but with Ron it would hardly be any form of hardship and even if he was handling the stress well her reasoning still held true for the future which would always be her present.

 **Ten minutes later**

"This is much more difficult than it seems," Betty noted, suppressing a wince as a drop of hot grease hit her breast.

"Especially when you have to split your attention making sure the bacon cooks properly," Ron pointed out.

"Damn," Betty muttered. "I think I've burned it."

"I have plenty more,' Ron assured her. "It helps if you watch for the areas where the grease pools and how it shifts when you move the bacon."

Betty nodded as she switched out the burned bacon with three new strips.

"Director?!" Kim exclaimed as she saw the two of them standing naked in Ron's kitchen.

"Hey KP," Ron said cheerfully. "We're testing out reflexes by frying bacon naked."

"Ron is stuck in a time loop where every day is the same," Betty explained, knowing how possessive Kim was of Ron.

"Like Groundhog's Day?" Kim asked, trying to put everything together in a way that made sense. "How long have you been trapped?" she asked, their nudity taking a back seat to her concern for her best friends as she recalled how crazy Bill Murray had gone in that movie.

"I think this is the fifth or sixth day," Ron said, "maybe seventh. It depends on if you count the first day and it's kinda hard to keep track."

"You got over your shyness in just a few days?" Kim asked in disbelief, figuring it'd have taken months of being trapped in a loop if not years before he was comfortable being naked like this.

"I got over that instantly," Ron replied. "It's not like I have to worry about the consequences or anything."

"Normally that would be -augh my nipple!" Betty leapt back form the stove, the grease causing her feet to slide out from beneath her, which she turned into a shoulder roll, getting up to her knees with the spatula in a guard positions against further splatters.

Ron laughed. "You never believe me about the pain until it hits your nipple." He passed her an ice cube.

"Remind me when this is over to make this mandatory training for all agents," she said, holding an ice cube to her nipple while eyeing the pan like it was a rattlesnake.

"I doubt you'd listen," Ron said, "not until you went through it anyway and I don't think I'll have time on the final day to do it."

"Final day?" Kim asked.

"I'll find a way to break out of the loop," Ron said confidently, "it's only a matter of time, pun intended."

"That is a very healthy attitude to have," Betty said, "and just so you know, you can order anything done using the Step Back Code, so adding this to the agent training course is well within your authority."

"Anything?" Kim and Ron chorused.

"Anything," Betty confirmed. "As long as the loop continues nothing advances, everything is in stasis, so anything needed to break the loop is worth it. The world is in your hands, but then it has been before and as you've said you have all the time in the world, so I'm not really concerned."

"Still 'anything' is a bit much," Kim said. "Ron could order the president to moon congress or have Josh Mankey hunted like a common criminal," she explained.

"And he should," Betty said, turning off the stove.

"Hah, I knew I wasn't the only one who didn't like him," Ron said with a grin.

"What?" Kim asked, shocked.

"Ron is in a unique position," Betty said, "one where the consequences of his actions only apply to his mental stability, so anything he needs to do to maintain that is completely justified as it'll help him break the loop. Plus, there is no telling what will break it, since we don't know what started it, so perhaps Mankey being chased by federal agents with K9 officers will be the key."

"I… I see," Kim said a little stunned at the enormity of it.

"Whoa," Ron said, realizing it was all up to him.

Betty smacked him in the ass with the spatula.

"Ouch! What was that for?!" Ron demanded.

"For taking it too seriously," she replied. "You have been given all of reality as a sandbox game to play with until you figure out the exit command, why are you stressing over it?"

Ron grinned. "Thanks, I needed that."

"Any time," she assured him with a grin, trying to get him back in a productive mindset, "literally."

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: Ron is in no rush and has plenty of time to try out any random idea he has, so this happened.**

 **TN: Now, how to get the cheer team and Shego over to see the naked cooking, and what will their reactions be?**


	29. Scrapped Bits

**Scrapped bits**

 **Phoning it in - Scrapped**

"I'd say it works fine," Hit Girl said as they stared at the turtle who was walking across the ceiling.

"No obvious changes and their biological traits have turned into powers," Merlin agreed, pleased. "Looks like giving you both the Spiderman package should be doable."

"Gecko climbing ability and spider's web creation, but what about danger sense?" Kick Ass asked.

"I think we are going to have to settle for a fly's ability to sense air movement," Merlin said. "It fits the comic book Spiderman's danger sense better than precognition anyway."

"Anything that makes us harder to swat I'm all for," Hit Girl said, amused.

"Having psychic abilities would be cool, but I'm a fan of any power you'd care to pass out," Kick Ass said, "and let me say once more thank you for fulfilling my childhood dreams."

"You're welcome," Merlin said. "It's nice to be appreciated." Merlin turned and stared at the air. "Gotta psychic call coming in. Hey, Karen. Let me check first." Merlin turned to the two costumed heroes. "Mind if I have a friend over? She's from another world."

"Sure," Hit Girl replied with a shrug. "Normally I'd ask if you were nuts, talking to the air and shit, but I'm ready to believe anything at the moment."

"Cool." Merlin extended his hand. "Come on through."

Lines formed in front of him, as it someone had sketched the picture of a young girl in the air, that rapidly filled in with color and depth until he was holding the hand of a living breathing person.

Kick Ass spun around while Hit Girl chuckled. "Let me guess, you gotta teleport naked?"

"No, I just didn't bother with clothes since I'd just end up destroying them anyway," Karen replied. Reluctantly letting go of Merlin's hand she offered her hand to Hit Girl. "Karen."

"Hit Girl," she replied giving Karen a firm shake and surprised to find her matching it despite her newly enhanced strength. She yawned. "Excuse me, late night."

"Clothes please," Kick Ass said loudly, facing away.

Merlin reached through shadow bringing out a silver sundress made of metallic cloth and a pair of matching panties which he handed to Karen. "Try these on."

"They fit fine," Karen said grabbing Merlin's hand, once she was dressed. "So, what are we doing?"

Merlin grinned. "In a world without superpowers, these guys had the… insanity really," he decided after a second, "to become super heroes and somehow the balls to convince the world to go along with it."

"Sounds about right," Hit Girl said amused.

"My brother did the same thing," Karen said with a grin. "Got his friends involved too."

"Yes, but he had superpowers," Merlin pointed out.

"I think it's more of a curse," Karen said. "How did you know? Most people forget."

"I'm not affected by that portion of his curse," Merlin twisted the truth a little.

"What's his power?" Kick Ass asked curiously.

"Rebirth," Merlin replied. "If he dies he wakes up the next morning in bed unharmed and no one remembers."

"Wouldn't the dead body or blood be a dead give away?" Hit Girl asked.

"Rats come out of the shadows and drag it off," Karen replied. "I can't tell you how much that freaked me out the first time I saw it."

"Their world was a very freaky place," Merlin said.

"Even before the robots took over," Karen said. "So, how are you giving these guys powers?"

"I'm enhancing traits from other creatures and transferring them over," Merlin explained.

"Cool," she said with a grin.

"How many geckos are we going to need?" Hit Girl asked as they watched Kick Ass try to lure the turtle off the ceiling with some lettuce on a broom.

"Just the one," Merlin said as he and Karen sat down on the sofa. "Copying powers is easier than making them."

"So all we need is the turtle," Kick Ass said, having finally caught it and feeding it a cherry tomato.

"Yeah, if I add all the powers to him I'll be able to copy them over in one shot, which should cost less energy over all," Merlin said thoughtfully. "If we get him finished today then tomorrow, I can empower at least four people with the full set, maybe more."

"What's next?" Karen asked.

"Now I give this little guy a copy of the upgrades I gave these two," Merlin said tapping the turtle's shell. "Ok, I should have enough left for one last power, then I am tapped out for today."

"What all powers are you giving them?" Karen asked.

"We are trying for something like Spiderman," Merlin explained. "We transferred a gecko's climbing ability, a spider's web creation and I just added the enhancements I made to these two, which are fitness, brute, regen, pain dampening, and finally their blood dissolves metals."

"Their blood dissolves metal?" Karen asked. "I don't recall Spiderman having that, though I can see that making escaping from cuffs a lot easier."

"Bite your finger, smear the blood on the cuffs," Hit Girl said thoughtfully.

"Exactly," Karen agreed. "Of course, Spiderman also had enhanced reflexes, jumping ability, and flexibility."

"Ok, going to have to reduce people I can empower tomorrow to three with four the following day," Merlin said.

"At least Spider sense is easy to copy," Karen said.

"Copy?" Hit Girl asked, thinking of the discussion they'd had on it.

"We've got psychic abilities," Karen said cheerfully.

Merlin smacked himself in the head. "I forgot I could copy my own abilities."

"You've got psychic abilities?" Hit Girl asked. "Besides the phone call thing, I mean."

"Yes," Merlin agreed, "but I'm only really skilled in the use of telepathy. Of course, I have a decent danger sense but it's nothing special and a bit weak compared to the rest of my family."

"You should enhance it," Karen said, leaning against him.

"I just got the ability to create powers directly, so I'm still finding out what I can do with it," Merlin explained with a sigh.

Kick Ass laughed and fed the turtle a carrot. "As far as I'm concerned you are batting a thousand, don't beat yourself up over the little things."

"It's a bit early but how about we go on patrol before we meet up with the gang?" Hit Girl asked. "I'm in the mood to do some damage."

"What type of loadout?" Karen asked eagerly.

"A pair of modded 38 specials filled with rubber bullets," Hit Girl paused to make a jerk off motion with her hand, "to keep my kill count down, a 45 for backup just in case, blade staff, brace of knives and built in knuckle dusters."

"Isn't that a bit light?" Karen asked concerned.

"I know," Hit Girl said with a sigh, "but since the most we usually face is knives or small arms I don't even bother carrying grenades."

"This is New York, not Beirut," Kick Ass said, "and the less bodies the more the police will work with us."

"I can't imagine going anywhere without a pulse rifle and a full auto for backup," Karen said.

"Really?" Hit Girl asked with a smirk. 'Doesn't look like you got much on now."

 **AN: Decide I could do better and rewrote it.**

 **Phoning it in: Omake**

"Why a piglet?" Kick Ass asked as they left the pet store.

"It's cute, harmless, friendly… and edible," Merlin said.

"What?!" the two exclaimed.

"If it needs to be put down it makes up a third of a complete breakfast all on its own," Merlin explained.

"No way!" Kick Ass growled, holding the little black piglet protectively.

Hit Girl examined Merlin carefully. "You're just fucking with us, aren't you?"

Merlin grinned. "If he becomes a dangerous mutated beast… I'll just push him into a world where humans never developed."

She chuckled. "You about had me for a moment there." She turned to Kick Ass. "What are you going to name him?"

"Peter Porker," he replied proudly.

"Dork," she said with a found grin.

 **AN: The omake I forgot to include**

 **TN: Spiderpig, Spiderpig, does whatever a Spiderpig does, can he swing from a web, no he can't, he is a pig, lookout he is a Spiderpig.**

 **Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles: 1st attempt**

"I thought we were building a stand in for Xander," Ted said as he looked over the female android that was taking shape on the table.

"Xander wanted me to upgrade myself to a more effective combat unit so he wouldn't need to worry about me getting dismembered again," Jaime explained. "So we are building an android that will both be able to sub for Xander and test out some of the upgrades I have planned."

"Humans tend to notice little things like the sex of the person they deal with changing from one day to the next," Ted pointed out.

"I've included self alteration capabilities," Jamie assured him. "Unless they remove her pants she'll be able to impersonate him easily."

"What's her programming like?" Ted asked, handing Jamie a soldering iron.

"I used a copy of my base programing with extrapolated data from personal observations and files on Xander," she replied.

"When we get around to making a male android, let me know so I can contribute to his programming," Ted said. "I've always wanted a son."

Jamie paused in her work. "I'll write it to file. I hadn't considered the fact that Xandra here could be considered my daughter before."

"Yours and Xander's." Ted agreed. "So what other upgrades are you testing?"

"Improved alloy and artificial muscle fibers for one," Jamie said, getting back to work. "Strength should double and durability should multiply by a factor of twelve of more. The real benefit of the muscle fibers isn't the strength it's the increase in speed and precision. It'll actually require an additional processor to learn how to perform physical tasks and much like real muscles they will require a brief recover time, however they'll move much smoother and motor burn out will be a thing of the past."

"If it works we should all upgrade," Ted said.

 **AN: Forgot where I put this so I restarted it.**

 **Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles 2nd attempt**

"Why is he female?" Ted asked as he looked at the android 'duplicate' of Xander, April and Jamie had created.

"Originally it was going to be my new body," Jamie explained.

"But having a stand in so Xander doesn't get fired takes precedence at the moment," April said giving Ted a kiss on the cheek.

"As long as no one gets 'his' clothes off, I suppose it doesn't really matter," Ted said. "A little cosmetic alteration and he'll work as a stand in while we make him a male body so you can use this one," He told Jamie.

"It was going to be an experimental body anyway," Jamie said. "I was going to test combat designs for demon hunting with it and use the data from that to build my new body."

"I'm sure 'Xander' won't mind running the tests for you," April said. "We all know how he feels about vampires."

 **AN: Realized I'd mixed up the time gradients and time moved faster in Pylea… so I scrapped it and started over, trashing the entire planned plot line. It's a shame because Woods dating a female Xander bot would have been hilarious!**

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**


	30. Ensign America 3

**Chapter 1: More Fragments 9**

 **Chapter 2: Yet More Fragments 68**

"That is a lot of food," Clint said as they took a seat in the SHIELD cafeteria, Xander sitting across from him with two trays piled high with food.

"I am starving," Xander said, "It's been nearly five years since I've eaten, plus I seem to be going through a growth spurt lately."

Clint chuckled and took a bite of his burger while Xander demolished several of them. "We have people working on finding your family, shouldn't take them more than an hour or two, though we'll hold off on contacting them until we make sure you aren't going to melt or anything and have signed all the NDAs."

"I can't think of any family members I'd want to see," Xander said. "My friends were my real family."

"Give me a list and I'll see what I can find," Clint promised.

"Good-" Xander paused and shivered. "She's standing behind me, isn't she?"

"We're almost ready to defrost Rogers," Natasha said, making Xander jump a little and shake the table.

"Give us a couple of minutes," Clint said, amused at Xander's reaction to his partner.

Xander quickly finished his first tray and started on his second, acutely aware of the red head behind him.

"We aren't in that big of a rush," Clint said.

"We get to see them revive Captain America," Xander said, "this is… historic."

"I know," Clint says, "but the scientists aren't exactly quick about these things, too much is riding on it to screw up because they misplaced a decimal."

"Point," Xander says before finishing his second tray. "So… I have time for one more?"

"Half a tray," Clint said, before finishing his own burger.

Xander nods and quickly goes to refill a tray, backing away from Natasha for several steps before nervously turning and going.

"Most men aren't afraid of me until they see me in action," Natasha noted.

"He's got a finely tuned danger sense," Clint replied as Natasha took a seat next to him.

"Probably something that's useful in a demon hunter," Natasha noted as Xander returned.

"Demon hunter?" Xander said, looking confused. "What's that?" He sat down and started eating once more.

"Wow, you have really nailed the clueless look," Clint said.

"It's a gift," Xander said, before devouring a couple of burgers.

"Fury tagged you as a demon hunter fairly quickly," Natasha said. "All Shield Agents know about the existence of the supernatural, we have teams who are specifically trained to deal with supernatural occurrences."

"I don't recall seeing any in Sunnydale," Xander said.

"The town in California that sank into the earth?" she asked.

"That's the one," Xander agreed.

"Is there a reason they should have been there?" she asked.

"About a million of them," Xander replied. "We had a huge vampire infestation problem for one."

"That, at least, has been dealt with," Natasha said as the two finished their meal and returned their trays. "While I don't specialize in the supernatural, I did have my share of run ins with vampires in the past, and according to the reports I have read, all vampires on Earth spontaneously turned to dust… around the same time Sunnydale sank."

"All the vampires are gone?" Xander asked hopefully.

"That's what was reported," Natasha agreed.

Xander opened his arms to hug her, changed his mind, and hugged Clint instead.

"Ribs!" Clint gasped out while trying not to laugh.

"Sorry about that, still getting used to the strength," Xander said. "It's just… my second most hated things in all the world are gone and I am immensely happy!"

Clint rubbed his ribs. "What's number one?"

"Nazis," Xander replied as they walked down the hall.

"And three?" Natasha asked, amused.

"Clowns," Xander said firmly.

"Hey," Clint complained, "some of my best friends were clowns."

Xander shrugged. "All the clowns I ran into were evil."

"I'll introduce you to some decent ones later," Clint said as they reached the lab where a plethora of scientists were rushing about, with a revival team standing by, and dozens of agents standing watch.

"Final checks!" someone called out.

'Laser calibrated," a woman added.

"Vita ray projector ready," a bald scientist said before they all turned to the one eyed director, a question visible in their eyes.

"Do it," Fury commanded.

Buttons were pressed and four lasers sprang to life, cutting away large swathes of ice from Rogers and causing them to fall to the floor, shattering against the deck.

"Activate the heat lamps," the lead scientist said, her eyes glued to the scanners as the temperature in the room climbed to over a hundred degrees, the thin layer of ice surrounding the soldier slowly melting.

"Activating the vita ray projector," another warned.

"Core temperature rising."

Fury chewed on the end of his cigar and had to stop himself from lighting it as he watched the scientists scurry around the lab, one of them signally for the revival team to get ready.

"Core temperature reaching ninety-six degrees. Shutting down the projector," a scientist called out, before the last of the ice holding up Captain America fell away and he began to fall over.

The revival team surged forward, catching the American Icon before he could fall and moving him onto a medical bed while stripping him of all his gear.

Steve Rogers couldn't be seen because of all the medical personnel around him, but just over two minutes later they peeled away, leaving a single doctor checking his vitals while a heart monitor beeped with comfortable regularity for all involved.

One of the doctors handed Fury a clipboard. "His vital signs are strong and getting stronger. He could wake at any time."

"Damn, they're fast," Xander said quietly.

"We have good people," Clint said with a smile.

"Show's over people, back to work," Fury called out.

"Come on, let's see if we can find your friends," Clint said.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Your friends are a strange lot," Clint said, as he brought in the report on what he'd been able to discover.

"So they survived the destruction of Sunnydale?" Xander asked, perking up. "I was really trying not to worry about it."

"Dawn and Buffy Summers were formally adopted by Rupert Giles just after Sunnydale bit it," Clint replied. "They are running the Watchers Council with Daniel and Willow Osborn. There was a death certificate for Daniel filed… and then rescinded a little over a week later a couple of years ago, followed by a wedding certificate."

Seeing that Clint was waiting for a response, Xander shrugged. "It happens."

"Joyce Summers has two death certificates over a month apart and as far as we can tell she actually is dead," Clint said.

Xander winced. "Not sure why she would have two."

"But you know why Daniel would have two?" Clint asked.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, but didn't elaborate.

"Cordelia Chase is in a private hospital in LA, she's been in a coma for over a year," Clint said.

"Damn," Xander said, "that sucks. Still, it's a lot better than I feared."

"And they probably won't freak out about you having been declared dead since it seems to be a common occurrence for them." Clint shook his head.

"I'll need you guys to tell them," Xander said, "No way am I approaching them, back from the dead out of the blue, looking like my father was the jolly green giant."

"Yeah… Demon Hunters would probably take that the wrong way," Clint agreed. "I'll see what I can do about getting evidence we can share with them and sending it their way."

"Thanks man, I really appreciate it," Xander said. "I have no idea what I'm going to say when I see them, but at least I won't be trying to figure it out with a sword at my throat."

"You've got at least a week before we clear up all the paperwork dealing with your legal status now that you've got a pulse again," Clint said, "and God only knows how long the medical tests are going to take. You'll have plenty of time to figure it out."

"You guys are the most helpful secret spy group ever," Xander said.

"You say that now, but wait until you have to fill out all the paperwork," Clint said. "Ready to do some physical tests to see how fit you are?"

"Sure," Xander said cheerfully. "Be nice to see what's changed. I know I'm stronger, but how much stronger?"

"Let's find out," Clint said eagerly.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Report," Fury said as he reviewed all the data they'd managed to dig up on Mr. Harris.

"He's probably not in the Hulk's weight class, but it's hard to tell because our equipment only goes up so far," Clint reported.

"He's suspicious, but hiding it," Natasha added. "He appears to trust easily, but it's a lie, he's learning all he can so he knows which way to jump when the other shoe drops."

"What's your personal opinion?" Fury asked, pausing to light his cigar.

"I like him," Clint said. "Good sense of humor, easy to get along with."

Fury gave him an unamused stare. "As an agent."

"Needs training, but understands OpSec better than some of the agents we already have," Clint said. "Even without the enhancements, he'd be a promising recruit."

"He's dangerous," Natasha said with approval. "We can teach him everything else."

"Good," Fury said, "I want him as part of the Avenger's Initiative. See to it."

"We'll have to find someone he can trust," Widow said.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Steve Rogers awoke with a start, looking around himself in a panic before he took in his surroundings. He appeared to be in a hospital of some sort, though the equipment was unfamiliar it was easy to tell what it was for.

He wasn't strapped down, which was a very good sign.

A tall colored man with an eye patch stepped into the room.

"Relax Captain Rogers, your last mission was a success, but you've been asleep for a very long time. I'm Director Fury, welcome to SHIELD."

"Asleep?" he examined himself.

"You were frozen in ice," Fury explained, "It's been over half a century."

Rogers stared at him in disbelief as a pair of medical personnel came in and started checking him over.

"Fifty years?"

"I'm afraid so," Fury said. "The war is long over, we won by the way, and you have a lot to catch up on."

"Your bedside manner needs some work," Rogers said before quickly adding a belated, "Sir."

Fury chuckled. "Sometimes there is no way to break it to them gently. In those cases I prefer a hard truth to a comforting lie. But if you can think up a way to break the truth of your situation to someone gently, let me know, because I would genuinely like to hear it."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Xander stretched and twisted, making his muscles work against themselves as that was the only way he'd found to actually get a workout.

He'd been here for nearly a week… well, four days, so almost a full work week, and he was getting a little antsy. The medics said he appeared stable, but wanted to wait a week and redo the tests before they'd give him a final verdict.

Clint had been very helpful on getting him caught up on all the movies and cartoons he'd missed, but Xander knew he was a company man, trying to put their best foot forward and with Xander's new abilities, he was a prime recruit prospect. He didn't want to be ungrateful, but he was pretty sure he wasn't the spy type. SHIELD seemed like it would be a poor fit for him.

"So, I hear you're the latest model."

Xander looked up and saw a blond man had entered the gym. "I'm pretty sure you have to be a bit thinner to be a model, not to mention girls tend to drool over pre-pubescent pretty boys these days. At least that's what I hear."

"I have no idea what you just said. I mean, I understand the words… but the way you've put them together confuses me."

"That's fair, I confuse myself at times," Xander said. He offered his hand. "Alexander Harris, my friends call me Xander."

"Steven Rogers, my friends call me Steve," the blond man introduced himself, shaking his hand.

"You're Captain America," Xander said. "I heard you'd woken up, it just took you a little longer, but then you were frozen in ice a lot longer than I was."

"You were frozen?"

"For about half a decade," Xander replied. "Went out in a blizzard to rescue a girl. Saved the girl and got turned into an icicle. They used me to test out the equipment before they thawed you out."

"But I only survived thanks to the super soldier serum," Steve said. "How did…"

"I was considered dead," Xander said, "they didn't expect me to revive at all. I was a convenient corpse that could help save one more person."

"Thanks," Steve said awkwardly.

Xander laughed. "Don't mention it. I just got lucky, but even if I didn't, I would have approved of using my body to save someone else. It's why I signed my organ donor card."

"Organ donor card?"

"Mid 80's they added a little box on your driver's license that you could check so that if you died, the hospital could use your organs to save others," Xander explained.

"That's incredible," Steve said. Nothing he'd read had even mentioned that.

"I know," Xander agreed. "We live in an age of miracles and no one seems to see it."

"A lot has changed," Steve said sadly.

Xander shook his head. "We have always lived in an age of miracles, you just have to look around. It's a great time to be alive and it always has been.'

"I just found out a man walked on the moon yesterday," Steve said, trying to explain how much everything had changed.

"And one day… in a couple of decades, but hopefully sooner, we'll all be able to say that about Mars," Xander replied.

Steve considered that. "Science was leaping ahead in my day, it seemed new things were being invented every day. The war kept me so busy I missed a lot of it."

"Being human is to always be playing a game of catch up with everyone around you," Xander said. "Life is change, you'll adapt and then you can take for granted all the miracles around you like everyone else seems to."

"That's strangely comforting," Steve said.

"So why did you think I was a male model?"

"A male model?" Steve replied, before realizing what he meant. "Oh, I actually was referring to cars, as in a new model rolling off the assembly line."

"That does make more sense," Xander said. "Actually… that makes a lot of sense, now that I think about it."

"So you are a super soldier?" Steve asked.

"I was exposed to an enhancement formula some crazy Russian guy came up with when I was in high school," Xander said. "Only two of us survived and we both had complete blood transfusions, but it left me with proteins from some fish or other in my blood, which is how I survived being frozen…"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Fury watched the two interact on the monitor with a pleased smile. All the pieces were coming together.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	31. Transfer Student

Xander watched sadly, with a crying girl on each shoulder as the casket was lowered into the ground.

This month had just gotten worse and worse.

It'd started off with Xander and Oz getting jumped by a fledgling's sire when they went to stake him. They'd managed to stake them both, but had taken a real beating doing so. Oz had been healed a couple of days later by the rising of the moon, while Xander was still nursing a couple of cracked ribs and some major bruises. He'd jokingly asked if Jordy, Oz's nephew who had infected Oz with lycanthropy, needed a baby sitter. It'd made Oz laugh. Well, actually it'd just made a corner of his mouth twitch, which was the equivalent of a belly laugh in anyone else, but Cordelia and Willow read Xander the riot act and Cordelia had told him she didn't want to see him until he quit slaying.

Just a week later Buffy had returned and her welcome home party had been interrupted by a zombie uprising, which had left Xander with some interesting bites and even more bruises, it had also left him with a growing fondness for axes. He'd thought Buffy and Willow's little rant about him being more careful, as if Zombies attacking were something he could have just sat out, was the low point of the summer, but then his Uncle Walter had died.

Walter was the only member of his family that he'd really liked. Well, other than Walter's daughter's Cathy and Danielle. Cathy and Danielle were like slightly more geeky and less social versions of Willow, so of course they were his favorite cousins. Still, he had no idea why he was required to attend the will reading even if he was glad he'd be there to help the twins deal with things.

Xander held the girls while they cried and thanked the various distant relatives and friends of Walter that offered their condolences, since the girls were too distraught to.

There was a small group of people at the funeral he didn't know that stood together and were in suspiciously good shape, although the way they were dressed gave the opposite impression. Xander was positive that the glasses several of them were wearing were in fact plain glass and he had no idea what was going on with them.

Xander held the girls and did his best to comfort them while the grave was filled in. Giving them a squeeze, he slipped out of their arms long enough to stick some communion wafers in the soil and offer a quick prayer that he'd memorized. Sure, his uncle had died of a heart attack and not a gang member on PCP, but it never hurt to be careful.

He lead the girls back to the car where Sancho was waiting.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Anything?" Steve asked, as they watched The Chameleon's family depart.

"They prayer was in Latin and the wafers he stuck in the soil seem familiar," Phil replied. "I have a vague memory of seeing something like that done before, but nothing off the top of my head. I'll have to do some research and get back to you."

"Good man. Let me know if you find anything."

"He could just be a normal teen," Josie suggested.

Phil shook his head. "Normal teens don't carry an aura of darkness, pain, and death that radiates twenty feet from them."

"Is that bad?" Steve asked.

"Barron Battle's aura only radiated twelve," Phil said flatly.

"That's bad," Steve and Josie chorused.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

Walter hadn't been super rich or anything like that, but he had been comfortably well off thanks to a few patents. He had a large five bedroom house with three full bathrooms and a two car garage set on a half dozen acres of forestry on the outskirts of Maxville.

'How in the world did he end up with an Amerind butler named Sancho who speaks with a British accent?' Xander thought to himself, still trying to puzzle out the complicated family servant as a means of distracting himself. Sancho had been a godsend, taking care of the funeral details and making sure everyone ate. If something needed to be done, Sancho would often be found doing it before it even occurred to anyone else.

"The will reading is tomorrow at noon, sir," Sancho said as Xander prepared for bed. "I've taken the liberty of laying out several selections of clothes for it."

"Thanks, Sancho," Xander said gratefully.

Sancho nodded and left.

Xander looked over at the clothes selection laid out on the desk and chuckled. 'He's either got one hell of a sense of humor, or I've somehow given him the impression that I'm a crossdresser,' Xander thought to himself as he took in the dresses laid out along with the selection of suits.

Xander flipped off the lights and climbed into bed. Tomorrow's will reading would tell him why he needed to be here and then he could go home. Well, once his cousins were feeling better anyway. School started in a couple of days, but family comes first.

He was almost ready to drop off when he heard the bedroom door open and close. The bed shifted a little and someone climbed under the covers with him. The glint of reddish blonde hair let him know it was one of his cousins and less than five minutes later the other one snuck in as well.

It reminded him of when they were kids and the summer they refused to call him anything but Bear, as they insisted he was their personal stuffed animal even though they were almost the same age as him.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander awoke with a start at the sound of his uncle clearing his throat, the sight of his transparent form hovering over the bed caused him to yelp. He quickly shook the girls awake, thinking Walter may have come back to deliver a message to them. 'How weird is it that I don't panic at this sort of thing?' Xander thought to himself as the girls stared at the apparition.

"Alexander, I had the honor of naming you and I think I chose rather well. I have… contacts in Sunnydale and have followed your exploits closely," Walter said with a smile.

"Thanks," Xander offered lamely.

"I would rather have raised you myself than let you grow up on a Hellmouth, but what's done is done. As you know, I'm dead and there was so much I wanted to say to you that I'll never get the chance to now."

"What about Cathy and Danielle?" Xander asked.

Walter flickered and his gray suit changed into a pair of bunny slippers and bathrobe. "My girls," he said wistfully. "I raised them the best I could, with my condition, but I wish I could have done more." He ran his hand through his thinning hair.

"You did a fine job," Xander tried to assure him, the girls watching but staying silent. 'Condition?'

"They need a stern hand to keep them in line and I'm afraid that responsibility is going to fall to you now."

"Wha…?" Xander looked at the two girls and they buried their faces in his shoulders.

"Plenty of affection and a little discipline is the key to keeping them happy," Walter said. "And now you can rely on them to tell you what they need. Take care of them for me."

"I will," Xander promised.

Walter flickered and was in his gray business suit again. "I'm leaving everything to you, Alex. My legacy is now yours, for good or ill."

Walter vanished, leaving the three in the dark and Xander was uncomfortably aware that Cathy and Danielle were in fact female. "Firm hand?" Xander asked, his voice cracking as some truly horrible thoughts ran through his brain.

"We'd act up to make him pay attention to us," Cathy admitted.

"It's pretty common among teenage girls, most simply aren't self-aware enough to know why they're doing it," Danielle added.

"Okay, I can see that," Xander admitted, thankful it hadn't been anything near as bad as he'd been thinking.

"We once wired his car with explosives and blew it up when he got involved in a project and ignored us for two weeks," Cathy whispered.

"When he was punishing us, he had to oversee the chores he made us do so he couldn't ignore us at all," Danielle added with a wistful smile.

"Note to self, never ignore the girls," Xander whispered.

The twins giggled.

"Please tell me he was right about you telling me what you needed," Xander pleaded.

"We will," Cathy promised.

Danielle sighed. "And right now we need sleep."

"Night," Xander whispered, deciding he needed a lot of sleep before he dealt with anything more.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Time to get up, sir," Sancho announced.

Xander awoke with Cathy and Danielle curled up on either side of him, their eyes still a bit red and puffy from all the crying they'd done.

"The girls will be fine, sir," Sancho said. "They just need a bit more sleep."

"I could use a bit more sleep," Xander muttered.

"Indeed, sir," Sancho replied. "However, I thought it best for you to talk to the executor alone so as not to stress the girls unduly."

"That probably would be best," he agreed.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

Barron Battle pulled the trench coat he wore over his battered black and red armor a little tighter.

Walter was his wife's cousin, but he was also the one who had arranged for him to have a competent lawyer every time he'd been arrested, so when he'd been notified that Walter had died, he'd broken out of jail to attend his funeral. He hadn't intended to attend the will reading, but he'd already missed the funeral, so the least he could do was pay his respects to the family.

Barron Battle knew he stuck out, the fedora and trench coat he wore did little to disguise his massive frame or the double bladed battleaxe he was carrying, but he comforted himself with the knowledge that The Commander was little better in a suit and tie with Jet Stream and the Blue Mage.

The lawyer waited until everyone was seated before beginning, "Greetings everyone, this is the reading of the will for the estate of Walter Mitty. If you are not here for that, please leave at this time." Several seconds passed before he continued, "Alright, I will start with the reading of the will. I Walter Mitty-"

Xander stood up in the front row and started walking towards the back just before the sounds of screams and glass breaking came through the door. Peeking his head out the back door, he quickly pulled back and closed the door behind himself, scanning the room for weapons. Spotting Barron Battle's axe, he quickly grabbed it. "You don't mind if I borrow this, do you? Thanks."

The Commander and Barron Battle exchanged horrified glances as the door closed behind Xander.

"What just happened?" Jet Stream asked the Blue Mage, thinking she'd missed something.

"The Blood Axe has chosen a new master," the Blue Mage replied. "Poor kid."

"I-I'm free," Barron Battle said in wonder.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **AN: Sky High doesn't get nearly enough use**

 **TN: Is that what this is? No wonder I didn't recognize it. I tried out the source material once but I didn't like it much. Too much Hollywood style "High School Drama" ™. The premise was good, but I'm allergic to that kind of genre. One day I'd love to see a "High School Drama" ™ turned on its head by writing the setting out into what High School is actually like. It'd be a boring one shot, but it'd exist, and that would satisfy me like nothing else.**


	32. Ranma Bits - NRM

**Ranma Bits – NRM**

 **Bit 1** **Yet Still Even More Fragments 5**

 **Bit 2 Yet Still Even More Fragments 7**

Nabiki groaned. She and Mihoshi had turned themselves over to Ranma for training to help make up for their unimpressive practical scores. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but then Nabiki had forgotten that while Ranma was a world class martial artist he'd gotten that way from training under Genma Saotome and nearly everything Ranma knew about training came from either the completely insane ideas of Genma Saotome or the marginally more sane mind of Cologne of the Jusenkyo Amazons.

And learning their training exercises filtered through the mind of one Ranma 'Anything can be training' Saotome… she really wasn't sure if that made things better or worse.

Pushing herself back to her feet she prepared to face Ranma again. She'd jumped at the chance to practice grappling (damn hormones!) with Ranma figuring he'd go easy on her, completely forgetting that Ranma's 'Don't hit girls' viewpoint only applied to certain situations, and that outside of them Ranma would cheerfully treat a female opponent just like a male one, albeit with a lot more insulting comments, due to his chronic foot in mouth disease.

 **AN: This was going to be used in the NRM thread before Bast's Anime Addventure board died, I had quite a bit planned and ready for it.**

 **NRM Clan Saotome?!**

Hiashi stepped into the training hall, his eyes instantly taking in the group of battered trainers, a few of whom were just below him in skill. Any thought of this being a simple matter of slapping down an upstart genin were instantly wiped away as he took in the completely untouched Ranma.

Seeing Hiashi the group of trainers quickly surrounded him, showing him the clan formation papers and talking animatedly with lots of hand motions, completely unlike the normally stoic clan.

"I think I've already proven my point, without having to defeat your clan head," Ranma said dryly to Neji.

Neji nodded. "Yes, but I would still find the sight of you defeating my clan head tremendously inspiring."

Ranma chuckled, knowing what Neji was really saying. "Fine, but you better treat Hinata and Hanabi as your beloved little sisters.

Neji barely had to think about it. "Agreed."

"Good, just to show I'm taking this match seriously, I'll need a glass of cold water before I begin," Ranma said, deciding to hedge his bets.

"Pardon, before we begin, may I ask your opinion of my daughter Hinata?" Hiashi asked.

"Okay, but I ain't going to sugarcoat it," Ranma warned him, as the shadow clone knew he had even less tact than the original since he didn't have to worry about consequences.

"I understand, please continue."

"Hinata has a lot of potential, but has had most of her spirit crushed because you guys don't know crap about psychology. It's going to take me some time to get her back up to snuff." Ranma scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Fortunately, I already got Naruto to use as a motivational tool which has the added bonus of making him notice she's a girl before she snaps, ties him down and rapes him."

"You think shy, gentle Hinata is going to snap?" Tenten asked doubtfully.

"Sure," Ranma said easily. "With all the crap that's been dumped on her she's pretty much a ticking time bomb. If she didn't care about the branch family so much she'd have walked into the center of the complex and sent out a chakra pulse to activate the caged bird seal and slaughtered most of the clan already."

"Caged bird seal?" Tenten asked, Neji not having shared the secret with his teammates yet.

"Some moron came up with the brilliant idea of making sure they could keep control of their bloodline by putting seals on everyone but those in charge so anyone who even knows a little about seals could kill off the majority of the clan with little effort."

"Not exactly," Hiashi said as he considered the truth of what Ranma was saying.

"Hell, just to make it more likely one of them was going to pull an Itachi they decided that those in charge would use the seal to torture people when they disagreed. Really, it's only a matter of time until it happens. Hell, Naruto's probably going to set it off on accident one of these days trying out new jutsus since he has more chakra than the hokage and less control than a first year student."

All clan members present had gotten very pale as Ranma talked aloud.

"Except for keeping people from killing branch members for their eyes it's pretty useless for what it's designed to do and really all that does is make people concentrate on kidnapping main branch Hyugas."

"How does it fail at keeping our bloodline from spreading?" Hiashi asked, wondering where Ranma had gotten all his information from.

"Well, all any male branch member who wants to rebel against being enslaved is have sex while out on a mission fully intending to get the woman pregnant," Ranma said bluntly. "Of course, you can also just collect the balls off a freshly dead branch member and transplant them into another nin. Sure they won't function for long before the body rejects them, but how many women can a willing man impregnate in a week? So you see, the seal is worthless for doing anything but weakening the clan with infighting."

The room was dead silent while Ranma thought out loud. "Hell, it's like the seal with designed to insure the death of your clan. It turns the two sides against one another and make any outsiders wanting the bloodline target the main branch, whereas the seal makes leaving the branch members a single hand sign from extinction."

A branch member who'd gone to get Ranma a cold glass of water found the room silent as he returned. "What did I miss?"

"Not much," Hiashi replied calmly, showing the iron control that made him an excellent leader in a crisis. "Gather the full council together and tell our seal master that I want a way to remove the caged bird seal from everyone and to design a seal that just destroys the eyes and reproductive organs when you die."

"Y-yes Hiashi-sama," the branch member said before handing the glass to Ranma and hurrying off.

"So, you're training my daughter Hinata?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Yep. Thanks to her bloodline and caring nature I'm pretty sure I can get her onto the road to becoming a mednin like Tsunade."

"That's a tall order, Hinata has never been the most determined or skilled kunoichi."

Ranma shrugged. "And fish are lousy runners. The trick is to find what she could do and point her in the right direction. Using her eyes she can do things most mednin can't. We'll have to develop some new techniques to take advantage of that, but it'll give her an advantage over any other mednin there is."

Hiashi's eyebrow rose at Ranma's casual talk of inventing techniques, something he'd think was an idle boast if not for the row of defeated clansmen.

"As for determination, you've been working against her basic nature, making her try to harm people she cares for, I'm going to be working with it emphasizing how she can use what she learns to protect and care for them." Ranma smirked. "Once you've accidentally gotten between a mother bear and her cub you never forget the potential of a protective female."

"Hinata is hardly a bear."

Ranma nodded. "She's worse, she's a human being and we're much more vindictive and creative than any animal."

Hiashi nodded conceding the point. "Do you have any other intentions towards her?"

"Nope. She's a friend of Naruto, who's like a little brother to me and by training them together I can push them that much harder."

Hiashi waved the trainer holding Ranma's paperwork over. "You have done much for my clan this day. Would you accept a traditional alliance between my clan and yours to guarantee the council's approval on your clan founding?"

Ranma nodded, a bit surprised.

"Excellent," Hiashi said quickly, filling out several sections of the paperwork. "Neji as your first act as heir to the Hyuga clan, would you like to sign as a show of support?"

"Heir?" Neji asked in shock, but then he and the rest of the team had been in shock since Ranma had discussed the caged bird seal and Hiashi had sent for the clan's seal master with the intention of removing them.

"Yes, your father and I had discussed the possibility of absolving the caged bird seal but were unable to garner enough support among the council. Now however Mr. Saotome has shown the flaws in the system in such a way that it can't be argued with. In fact, anyone that does attempt to argue for it I'm simply going to kill. Since we are doing away with the caged bird seal we can also disperse with the majority of the branch-main family split and what better way to show it than by making you the heir?"

"I see, and Hinata?" he asked while examining and signing the paperwork.

"Hinata has neither the temperment not the desire to be Heir and would be much happier without the added pressure, I think we can all agree that figuring out how to adapt the byakugan to enhance a mednins healing skills is not only an important and productive use of her time, but also something she's much more suited for."

 **Honeymoon with fireworks**

"Please treat me well," Hanabi said formally when Ranma answered the door.

Ranma stepped back and let the eight year old girl enter, not even paying attention as several branch members filed in behind her carrying her possessions and instantly began putting them away in his room.

Hanabi handed Ranma a scroll that he carefully unrolled and began to read, unsurprising Nabiki instantly appeared at his shoulder and began to read along with him.

Nabiki and Ranma froze as they realized what they'd done when they'd signed the papers earlier.

They were unsure of how long they stood there frozen, but it was long enough for one of the retainers to hand Mihoshi her copy of the papers before they departed and for her to read it before the two found themselves being glomped by a crying Mihoshi who was incoherent with joy.

They could tell it was joy because while Mihoshi had about as much skill at radiating killing intent as a nervous kitten she was currently radiating something at them so intensely that the only reason they hadn't passed out with nosebleeds from the visions it induced was because she was glomping them so tight it was cutting off blood flow.

"I better rest up for tomorrow night," Mihoshi said blushing brightly and releasing the two, who collapsed to the floor as she merrily went to Nabiki's room.

"Tomorrow night?" Ranma asked.

"You'll see Sato… hubby," Nabiki said before getting to her feet and going to her room a bit confused over her own feelings on the matter and not nearly as upset as she thought she should be.

Ranma got to his feet and got ready for bed on autopilot his mind still reeling from what filling out a piece of paper had done.

Climbing into bed he rolled onto his side and reality smacked him in the face in the form of a naked eight year old Hanabi Saotome.

"I am ready, Ranma-sama," she said with just the faintest tremble in her voice.

'Ready for what?' his mind wondered and hoped the answer was to put on clothes.

Seeing Hanabi's nerves getting worse by the second as she started to tremble Ranma put off his own mental breakdown to deal with her problem first. "Are you okay?"

"I'm nervous," Hanabi admitted.

"About what?" Ranma asked.

"I've never made love before and while the nurse has explained things to me, I am still slightly nervous about performing my wifely duties," Hanabi whispered like she was sharing a secret.

If he hadn't been frozen with shock there would have been a loud boom as Ranma fled, probably through the wall, however unable to flee instantly as his first impulse insisted, he quickly realized how that would look to Hanabi… his wife.

"Are you sure the contract doesn't just say sleep together?" Ranma stalled as he, for once in his life, envied Genma's ability to escape any situation without an ounce of guilt.

"I have heard the phrase used in relation to making love, but it says specifically make love and my father brought in a nurse to explain things to me," Hanabi whispered.

Scrambling for an answer that wouldn't make him want to commit seppuku, Ranma decided he'd simply interpret the words the way he wanted and kill anyone who disagreed. Ranma began to smile. Yes, he would simply kill anyone who suggested the words make love meant sex in this situation.

Hanabi gave Ranma a tentative smile as he smiled at her, hoping it wasn't going to be as painful as the nurse warned it might be for such a young bride.

"Well this part of making love involves the sleeping together part. Sex doesn't come into it for years," Ranma said firmly.

"Really?" Hanabi asked confused, after all she'd talked to several branch members as well as the nurse and they'd prepared her for something completely different from what Ranma was suggesting.

"Really," Ranma assured her. "This part involves wearing pajamas and me rubbing your back until you fall asleep."

"That's part of making love?" she asked doubtfully.

"Ask anyone and they'll tell you that being held is part of making love," Ranma assured her while helping her put on her pajamas. "Love takes time to build."

"Okay," Hanabi said agreeably laying back down and cuddling up to Ranma.

Rubbing her back till she fell asleep Ranma thought about his current situation. He was married! Hell, he was married three times over. The idea of being married to Nabiki used to scare him, but she was very different here than she was back in Nerima. Maybe it was just a side effect of her being younger, but Nabiki was a lot warmer. Yeah, being married to Nabiki didn't upset him at all.

Mihoshi… Wow that girl was affectionate! A bit disaster prone, but she always meant well, which made up for a lot as far as Ranma was concerned. Being married to Mihoshi wasn't a chore, in any sense of the word.

Ranma looked down at the girl in his arms, asleep with a cute little smile on her face. He didn't know much about Hanabi, just that she was brave enough to do what she felt was her duty even while she was clearly afraid. He had to admire her for that.

Hanabi Saotome… they were all three Saotome's! He-he'd never be alone again!

Ranma did his best not to show it, but the years on the road had left their mark on him and not just in the way he wasn't able to pass up free food. He'd spent the majority of his life with just his father for company, when his father wasn't off doing something, leaving him to practice on his own, so he tended to be very possessive of his friends and now he had three that he didn't have to worry about leaving behind.

They were better than friends, they were his family, Ranma thought possessively as he fell asleep.

 **The Next Morning**

Ranma's eyes popped open when he heard the clicking of a camera and found Nabiki taking pictures of him and Hanabi curled up in bed together.

"That is going in our photo album," Nabiki said with a grin.

"Morning, Nabiki."

"Morning, sweety," Nabiki said wistfully, much to Ranma's surprise.

"Sweety?"

"Ever since I was a little girl, I've had this picture in my head of waking up and giving my hubby a kiss and I'd say good morning, sweety and he'd reply good morning, honey," Nabiki explained.

Ranma wasn't completely dense when it came to women, just mostly, so he pointed his lips in Nabiki's direction and puckered up.

Surprised, but pleased, Nabiki leaned down and kissed Ranma. It was little more than a peck but it seemed to satisfy her. "Good morning, sweety."

"Good morning, honey."

Nabiki couldn't hide how happy that simple exchange made her, fulfilling a childhood dream of hers as it did, so she quickly changed the subject. "How'd things go with Hanabi? I know it couldn't have been easy and I don't just mean physically."

Ranma gestured and a pair of clones appeared and left the room to start breakfast. "The contract said 'make love' several times and even 'sleep with' once or twice, but at no point did it say 'have sex'. I already have a foolproof plan to deal with anyone who disagrees."

Not really all that comfortable with the topic to begin with Nabiki was happy to let it slide. "I better go wake up Mihoshi, she hates to miss breakfast."

"And I have to wake Hanabi for school," Ranama said. "I'm surprised Anko hasn't snuck in and attacked us yet."

"We have two weeks honeymoon leave," Nabiki explained.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: These are all great bits, would love to see them expanded more.**

 **AN: Sadly the entire site the thread was on is gone, leaving these as orphans. I had some great scenes planned too, like one where Ranma attempts to kill Danzo by using the chestnut fist and flinging a shop full of pointy weapons at him for trying to make him fulfill the terms of the agreement with the Hyuga clan.**


	33. A New Beat

**A New Beat**

Ranma surfaced from the pool and ignored the confused noises her freshly cursed panda father made as well as the usual explanation from the Jusenkyo guide. After hearing the same responses countless times she could have quoted them from memory. "Hot water normal, cold water cursed," Ranma summed up as she adjusted her clothes.

"Yes, Mister customer, that exactly right," the Jusenkyo guide agreed, relieved the cursed boy didn't seem upset. 'Maybe he's still in shock?'

"Is there a convenient cure or is this one of those karma based curses that takes a couple of decades before it lets itself be dispelled?" Ranma asked, wanting to get Pops in the correct mindset so he wouldn't be causing havoc making Ranma scramble for a cure every couple of weeks as he did in the normal timeline.

"Sir is very wise," the guide said surprised, "there no instant cure, but some find cure decades later."

"Come on Pops, let's go get some hot water so we can return to normal, until we get splashed with cold again," Ranma said retrieving their packs and following the guide. 'Wish I could prevent Ryoga getting cursed, but I know better.'

Even when he didn't chase his father around the training grounds Ryoga still managed to fall into the pool of drowned piglet and blame him for it and trying to prevent it just made matters worse. After his last dozen attempts had failed he'd begun to believe there were some fates that he just couldn't prevent… well, unless he was reborn early enough in the timeline anyway, but at this point in time it was simply Ryoga's fate.

"We're cured!" Genma exclaimed in relief as the hot water the guide had poured over his head had restored his humanity.

"You weren't even listening, were you?" Ranma asked rhetorically. "Any time we get splashed with cold water we'll turn into our cursed forms again until we can find some hot water."

"What?!" Genma turned to the guide. "Surely someone must know of a cure!"

Ranma knew better than to waste his breath, Pops never listened, but at least this way he got to say I told you so, which was at least some consolation. Really, if it wasn't for being able to annoy Genma he'd have gone nuts dozens of lives ago. 'It's the little things in life that make it worth reliving,' Ranma thought to himself as he made himself a cup of tea and listened to the two talk.

"Then it's settled, we'll go to this Amazon village and see what they have to say," Genma said finally.

Ranma rolled his eyes and sipped his tea. He could easily derail things so they never went to the village, but Shampoo could be fun at times, Cologne still knew things he didn't, and Mousse was… occasionally tolerable.

"Whatever you say, Pops," Ranma said before thanking the guide for the tea and getting some bandages from his bag to bind his chest for when he inevitably got splashed. It'd take at least a week for him to recover his reflexes so his breasts didn't throw off his balance, so binding his chest was the best way to minimize it while he adjusted.

As the three set off, he turned to the guide. "If you've got all these springs that turn people into animals, how do you know you're not eating someone?"

The guide shuddered. "Guide always wash food in hot water, no want to make that mistake!"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, it'd suck if you decided to make sweet and sour pork from a piglet you found only to discover your mistake afterwards."

"Customer very wise," the Jusenkyo guide agreed, making a mental note to double check any animals he caught, just in case.

The three continued to the nearby village. A brief rainstorm turned Ranma and Genma into their cursed forms and Ranma winced as her breasts were compacted more than was comfortable in the bindings.

"Growlf," Genma complained and was ignored.

"Village holding big festival to see who is best warrior," the Jusenkyo guide announced as they reached the gates of the walled village and were let in by the guards, who were distracted by the tournament in progress.

Genma growled out something but as he was a panda it was ignored.

Already knowing what was coming Ranma considered how to play it. He could end up with Shampoo chasing him as normal, or he could arrange things so Genma was engaged to her instead, that was always good for a few laughs, before Genma and Cologne agreed that Ranma was an acceptable substitute. Of course in those timelines Shampoo was much more determined to marry Ranma after almost ending up with Genma which was a pain…

Ranma's stomach growled and she grinned, besides she was hungry and if eating a good sized meal now calmed things down later she might as well go along with it.

Ranma followed Genma who pushed his way through the crowd, following his nose to the table containing the first prize for the winner of the tournament. The two set down and started eating, watching Shampoo defeat several opponents in short order from atop the challenge log, before she was announced the winner and noticed them eating her prize.

Knowing what was coming, Ranma stopped Shampoo from destroying the table when she angrily swung her bonbori at the table to display her displeasure, deflecting her maces with a kick.

"Young sir, you have eaten the prize from tournament, amazon very upset!" the guide exclaimed worriedly.

"Well then, if I win the tournament, there'll be no problem, right?" Ranma asked cockily, knowing her lines.

The guide translated and Shampoo angrily gestured to the challenge log, a four foot wide, twenty foot long section of the tree trunk that was hanging a half dozen feet above the ground.

Ranma leapt onto the log with ease, still eating a pickle as Shampoo angrily squared off against her waiting for the signal to begin. The fight was over in less than a minute, Ranma drawing it out a little to help soothe Shampoos pride a bit, but it wasn't nearly enough to prevent what she'd do in response.

Ranma leapt down from the log and helped Shampoo to her feet which the lavender haired girl accepted so she could pull Ranma in for a kiss on the cheek. Ranma turned her head and caught Shampoo's lips sliding a hand down to give her ass a squeeze while the guide yelled about the kiss of death.

Genma grabbed Ranma and threw her over his shoulder before racing out of the village while a stunned Shampoo stood frozen not having expected that response and feeling a draft.

Cologne bounced over to the table, picking up a small leather bag Ranma had left there and examining its contents, ignoring the chaos from having an outsider win the tournament, the village champion giving her the kiss of death, and the outsider having taken liberties with said champion.

Shampoo recovered and hurried over to her great-grandmother. "That still counts, right?"

"Yes granddaughter, it still counts," Cologne assured her, wondering why the outsider had left a bag of uncut gems and where he had learned one of Happosai's techniques.

"Good!" Shampoo said firmly. "Then I… am going to go change and chase after them."

"You do that child," Cologne said with a smirk as Shampoo had just realized she was missing her panties.

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Ranma made camp while Genma heated up some water. He'd diverted Genma to a mountainous trail that lead to an abandoned military base. The jungle had reclaimed most of the ground, but there were a few solid stone buildings that still had roofs that would keep the rain off.

They were currently inside a garage where the red army had abandoned a few staff cars and a broken down half track. None of them were repairable with what they had on hand and the roads had been washed away years ago, but one had a bar that was still half stocked which Ranma planned on using to distract Genma while he retrieved a few things.

"Finally," Genma said as he wiped hot water off his face, relieved to be human once more. He offered the kettle to Ranma who waved it off. "Aren't you going to change back?" he asked, surprised.

"Nah, I gotta learn how to move right, this body is throwing me off," Ranma replied. "I'll change back before bed."

"Good point," Genma agreed, forcing himself not to show the pride he felt in his son taking the entire disaster in stride and not letting it shake him.

"Let's see if they left anything in the cars," Ranma suggested.

Genma finally took the time to look around the garage, noting the amount of rust and decay. "I doubt there's be much, but it doesn't hurt to check."

Ranma found decade old rations in the half track and just as he'd expected Genma was completely distracted by the alcohol allowing Ranma free range to poke around the base without the old man looking over his shoulder. Last time Ranma had been here he'd ditched his old man and ran off the night before they were supposed to go to Jusenkyo. He'd spent a week at this decades old abandoned base which the red army had once used to try and spy on the local tribes from. He wasn't sure which tribe they'd offended, but it had ended with the base being abandoned with the red army garrison fleeing with their tails between their legs.

Ranma entered a building through the gaping hole in the side, an obvious sign of the use of The Breaking Point, brushing aside vines as he entered an office, the birds nesting in the remains of the roof twittering about his trespass in their territory. Ranma flipped a massive oak desk back upright, uprooting a flowering bush that had grown around it and pulled out the bottom drawer on the right hand side. The wood squealed as he forced it to come loose, warped by over a decade of seasonal rain.

He pried apart the sides of the drawer revealing it'd had a false bottom containing a hidden metal box. It was made of galvanized steel and not very thick which made it easy to peel open, revealing a file written in code and much too faded to puzzle out as well as a silver necklace with a large emerald and an ivory dagger that looked to have been carved from a single piece, possibly a tooth.

He pocketed both items using hidden weapons techniques before pushing a filing cabinet aside to reveal a floor safe. He punched through the rotten wood around it and pulled it from the floor.

It took several tries before he remembered the combo, which had taken the better part of two days to discover the first time, and opened it up revealing half a dozen bundles of bills. He pocketed half of them before closing the safe and twirling the dial to go show Genma what he had found!

 **The Next Morning**

Ranma woke up and stretched. He casually blocked Genma's kick, noting that his old man had gotten the safe open. Even after spending a couple of lives trying to master safe cracking he wasn't nearly as skilled as Genma who had an almost supernatural flare for it.

"You're improving," Genma said with some surprise as he noted his son's skills were noticeably improved over their spar just the day before.

"Using that other body makes being in my own form so much easier," Ranma lied. "I can feel my balance so much sharper and my limbs hit right where I want them."

Genma grunted and turned away to hide his smile. It was possible that the springs weren't the huge disaster he thought they were, though he was going to have to make sure his son was married and had a kid on the way before they saw Nodoka again. It was about time to join the schools anyway so that was no great chore.

"So, where to now, Pops?" Ranma asked as he started on breakfast.

"Back to Japan," Genma said, taking a seat by the fire, his stomach already growling.

"Good idea, it'll be nice to be able to speak to people," Ranma said, while going through a list of people to tip off where Genma was going to be for the maximum amount of amusement.

Genma perked up as Ranma handed him a plate full of food in record time and looking a lot better than his usual cooking. 'Maybe the curse helped with that too?'

 **Two hours later**

Ranma leaned aside letting Shampoo's kick brush by her shoulder, shattering the branch she'd been sitting at. She gave the amazon an innocent smile, pretending not to understand what was going on while raking her eyes up and down the girl's body, causing Shampoo to hesitate and blush slightly.

Genma grabbed Ranma and threw her over his furry shoulder before fleeing at an impressive rate of speed for a sports car much less a panda. Ranma pouted and gave a small wave at Shampoo who reflexively waved back before they vanished.

The amazon pushed her hand back down and wondered at the girl's strange behavior. "Maybe she doesn't understand?" Shampoo decided she had to work on her Japanese.

 **A day later**

"I kill!" Shampoo exclaimed in broken Japanese while swinging her mace at Ranma's head.

Ranma stepped into Shampoo's personal space, neatly avoiding her attack and smiled, reaching up to brush her hair back. Before the Amazon could respond the panda had snatched up and carried off the redhead once more.

This time Shampoo managed not to wave back… more than once.

 **Two days later**

"I wish to commit violence upon your person!" Shampoo yelled in passable Japanese, before slashing at Ranma.

The red haired girl dodged each sword strike by the narrowest of margins as the amazon attacked again and again. Shampoo stopped to catch her breath and Ranma's shirt fell apart, causing the redhead's eyes to widen as she blushed, before licking her lips and batting her eyes at the amazon.

Ranma smiled and slunk forward with a swing in her hips that made Shampoo freeze unsure what to do. This was not the type of battle she had prepared for!

The panda snatching up the girl and her familiar pout was actually a relief to the conflicted girl.

 **Several more days later**

"I, Shampoo of the Jusenkyo Amazons," the lavender haired girl said, making sure to enunciate her words properly, "have come to bring you death." She waited to see if the redhead understood.

Ranma put a confused expression on her face and tapped her chin for a few seconds before smiling like she understood. "Hehe, the little death, mi amore!"

Shampoo puzzled through the french language, which she did not speak, memorizing what was said so she could look it up later. She was unprepared for the readhead to attempt to remove her tonsils and put up no defense.

Two minutes later Shampoo found herself blinking in a hormonal haze as the now familiar sight of a disappointed redhead waving from over the shoulder of a giant panda met her gaze as they fled.

The ship carrying the two pulled away from the dock and Shampoo noticed there was a piece of paper in her hand and her panties were missing once more. Unfolding the paper she found a name and address surrounded by little hearts.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: This is great, always nice to see loopers just saying fuck it and having fun.**


	34. A New Beat 2

"Let's get some hot water before we meet your friends," Ranma suggested. "I don't think they'd take well to a strange girl and a giant panda showing up out of the blue."

"Growlf," the panda replied.

Ranma assumed Genma had agreed and lead them to a tea shop he liked to frequent because the old lady who ran it refused to be surprised by anything. He'd once seen Mousse and Ryoga get into a fight in their animal forms, get splashed with hot water and turn back into humans in mid battle before getting splashed with cold again and all she'd done was shoo them out of the dining area with a pushbroom.

"Welcome to The Seabloom cafe, what can I get you?" the old lady asked as the two took a seat at the counter.

"We need two cups of green tea, two glasses of warm water, and a couple of cups of hot water to go please," Ranma said politely, sliding her a couple of bills.

"It won't be but a minute," she said.

"Thank you," Ranma said.

"I don't think I've seen you here before," a young man said as he took a seat next to Ranma with a smile on his face.

Ranma took a five yen coin out of her pocket and held it up. Once she was sure the boy was paying attention she used two fingers to bend it in two.

"Martial artist?" the boy asked.

"Yep."

"Not interested?"

"Nope," Ranma said as the old woman returned with their order. Ranma poured a cup of warm water over her head, her body shifting back to male. He quickly straightened his clothes that were now uncomfortably tight.

"I'm a little disappointed and a little relieved," the boy said shocked.

"How so?" Ranma asked, having been mainly paying attention to the old lady to see if he'd gotten a response from her this time and only gotten a polite nod as she searched below the counter for a towel, which she handed to him.

"On the one hand you were an awesomely hot girl and I was hoping to talk you into a threesome with my girl, but on the other hand since you're a guy who can change back and forth she'd probably leave me for you so I kinda dodged a bullet there," he admitted.

"That was a surprisingly well thought out answer," Ranma said, "most people would still be poking me and denying magic is real or demanding answers."

"You just bent a five yen coin in half, I'm not demanding anything," he said.

"Good call," Ranma replied. "From your calm and rational manner I assume you aren't a local?"

"Nah, I'm from Minato. Well gotta bounce and let me just say, epic tits. Fist bump." He tapped his fist against Ranma's and left.

Genma wiped his face with the towel. "Thank you, Ma'am," he said politely. "What are the extra cups of water for?"

"In case we get splashed before we get there," Ranma replied. "Curses are just that, so the odds of getting there in our birth forms… about one in three, less if it's something important."

"Good thinking," Genma said, pretty happy about how things were going. Thanks to the money Ranma had found they'd been able to hire transportation and had made excellent time. Normally he'd have insisted they walk even though they had the money, but he had found getting out of China increasingly urgent due to events.

"So why are we going to your friend's place?" Ranma asked already knowing the answer, but wanting to get it out in the open before they reached the Tendo's.

"Soun Tendo and I made a pact while we served under our evil master, that we train our children to be heirs of the school and through their marriage reunite our art!" Genma said, preparing for Ranma to try and escape.

Ranma sipped his tea as if he was considering what Genma had said.

Genma stayed on edge, knowing Ranma could just be trying to lure him into lowering his guard as it's what he would do in his son's position.

"Well, since I need to be in my birth form you haven't done anything suicidal, like try to engage me to a male," Ranma said. "I suppose the least I can do is meet my prospective fiance and see if we're compatible."

Genma was a little shocked at Ranma's reply. Ever since the springs Ranma had been calm and reasonable, much easier to get along with. Frankly it was beginning to freak him out! "Soun has three daughters, so you'll still have a choice to make."

"I'm still too young to legally marry," Ranma said, "but that just means I have time to get to know them all. Hopefully one of them turns out to be of wife potential, because if it's two, things could get complicated."

"That's the spirit," Genma said, ignoring anything but Ranma agreeing to meet them and hoping one would make a good wife.

"The tea was excellent," Ranma said as he got up and grabbed his cup of hot water. "I'll definitely come here again."

"Yes, just as the boy said," Genma said cheerfully, grabbing his own cup and following his son out.

 **Half an hour later**

"I believe this is the place," Ranma said as she opened the gate.

"Growlf," the panda agreed.

As they approached the door Genma tried to steal his cup of hot water and Ranma easily avoided it. "I told you to save your water until we arrived," Ranma said, pouring her cup over her head and ringing the bell. "Now, try and behave, you don't want to scare them before I can explain your curse." Ranma ignored the pouting panda.

After a minute a beautiful young woman answered the door. "Hello, I'm Kasumi Tendo. What can I do for you?" she asked politely.

"It's nice to meet you Miss Tendo, my name is Ranma Saotome. I believe you were expecting me."

"Oh my, yes," she said quickly taking a good look at him, not even noticing the panda. "Please, come in."

The two entered and Ranma exchanged his shoes for house slippers, before being escorted to the table.

"Father your guests are here," Kasumi called out. "Let me get some tea," she said, leaving them at the table.

Soun rushed into the room and paused. "Is that a panda?" he asked surprised.

"Indeed it is," Ranma agreed, "well spotted."

"Thank you," Soun said absently as the panda waved a paw at him. He sat down trying to figure out when he'd ordered a trained panda. 'Maybe I should cut back on my drinking.'

"Ranma Saotome," Ranma introduced himself, offering a hand.

"Soun Tendo… You're Ranma?" he asked excitedly completely forgetting about the panda in the room.

"In the flesh," Ranma agreed as Kasumi returned with tea, setting out cups for everyone including the panda and her absent sisters.

"I'll go get Akane and Nabiki," Kasumi said before hurrying off.

"You're here to join the houses?" Soun asked with a broad smile.

"I'm here to get to know your daughters and find out who I'm compatible with," Ranma replied. "I can't legally marry for about a year and a half, so that gives us plenty of time to get to know one another."

"A fine plan," Soun said, happy that Genma's son had a good head on his shoulders.

"Growlf," the panda said, lifting the cup of tea in front of him.

Ranma placed a hand on the panda's arm. "Wait until everyone arrives so we can explain it all at once."

"Growlf," the panda agreed, setting the cup back down.

"That is a very well trained panda," Soun said. "Wasn't Genma supposed to come with you?"

"That's kinda complicated and I have a very hard to believe story to tell you, but it's easily explained and proven," Ranma replied. "Once the girls are here I'll tell you."

"A bit unusual, but alright," Soun said, well aware of how strange the life of a martial artist could be.

"You must be Ranma," a brown haired girl with a pageboy haircut said, as she took the seat directly across from Ranma. "I'm Nabiki Tendo."

"Pleased to meet you," Ranma said, enjoying how much friendlier Nabiki was when she was introduced to Ranma and not Ranko, as that did tend to sour relations between them.

"I understand you just came back from China?" she asked curiously.

"Dad, you said that boy was here?" Akane called out as she stepped into the room, sweaty from her workout and angry about the very idea of arranged marriages and some boy getting 'her' dojo!

"Akane!" Soun chastised her, upset at her rudeness.

Akane winced at the looks she was receiving. "Sorry," she apologized taking her seat across from Genma.

Ranma nodded and waited for Kasumi to pour herself a cup of tea before speaking, "Hello everyone, my name is Ranma Saotome, I've spent over a decade traveling the world learning martial arts and have just returned from China. My father informed me of an existing engagement with the Tendo's not more than half an hour ago when we stopped for tea, that's the reason I'm here."

"Half an hour ago?" Nabiki asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Ranma agreed. "It was a bit of a surprise, but no more than a meeting with an omiai would be, I don't expect a final engagement for quite some time, at least a year as we all get to know one another anyway. At this point I'd really like to be friends before we even consider anything more."

"I think I'd like that," Kasumi said, surprising her sisters.

"Friends can date, right?" Nabiki asked, a smirk playing about her lips.

"Friends can date," Ranma agreed, "there's just no expectation of any romantic activities."

"I can live with that," Nabiki agreed.

Ranma picked up his tea and upended it over his father, turning him human once more. "By the way, nearly everything you think you know about the nature of reality is wrong and magic exists."

It got loud for a minute and Ranma sat quietly and enjoyed his tea.

 **Ten minutes later**

"...and that's the story," Genma said.

"You turn into a girl?!" Akane exclaimed, pointing at Ranma, rather rudely in his opinion.

Ranma decided he would do his best to help Kuno achieve his lifelong dream and help him marry Akane. "Yes," Ranma replied. "Thankfully we don't live in the medieval times so it's really easy to find hot water and some of the pools... " He gave an exaggerated shudder.

"Some of the pools?" Nabiki found herself asking.

"Spring of drowned carp," Ranma said sadly. "It takes at least a decade for the curse to be weakened enough to break, but imagine life where you have no choice but to live as a fish or be one light rain or random splash of water from becoming a fish and dying on the sidewalk."

"That's horrible… Wait, how does a fish drown?" Kasumi asked.

"Magic," Ranma replied. "Despite what they're called you don't even have to drown. There is one pool The Spring of Drowned Asura, that someone dropped a statue of an Asura in centuries ago, that curses people. I understand they develop temper problems and bad backs which just makes it worse."

"I can see how they'd develop anger issues, but bad backs?" Nabiki asked.

"Between the breast size increase and having four arms… it really isn't pleasant," Ranma explained. "Now that is a curse on everyone around them, as they gain the ability to throw fireballs as well."

Nabiki pictured an angry Akane with four arms flinging fireballs everywhere. "Yeah, I can see that."

"I don't believe you, this is all some trick," Akane said shaking her head.

Ranma poured his now cold tea over Genma.

"Growlf," the panda complained, before holding out his own cup to get a refill from Kasumi.

"Explain the panda," Ranma said, wondering if Kuno would prefer a summer or spring wedding.

Akane shivered as a chill ran down her spine and remained silent as Genma poured his cup of tea over his head.

"Must you use me as an example?" he asked Ranma, noting the koi pond in the backyard and deciding to teach his son a lesson.

Knowing what was coming Ranma set the house slippers he was wearing aside and let Genma throw him towards the pond. He rolled in mid air and landed on the stone in the middle of the pond on his feet. "Spar?" he offered.

Annoyed that Ranma had escaped his punishment Genma got up. "Yes, I do believe it's time for a spar."

The two forms quickly blurred into action stunning the Tendo's with the speed at which they moved.

"No way," Nabiki said in disbelief as the sound of flesh striking flesh rang out across the backyard, looking like the special effects from a high end martial arts movie.

"My old sparring partner hasn't lost his edge," Soun said with a smile, pleased to see his future son-in-law was very well trained indeed. "In fact… I think Genma has improved."

Genma landed in the koi pond splashing water everywhere.

Ranma adjusted her clothes to fit her new frame, but Genma didn't attack, simply climbing out of the pond and shaking himself off. "As you can see it's no trick," Ranma said wringing water out of her pigtail and wiping off her face, while sending a back kick at her father, who had attacked while he thought she was distracted.

"As curses go it could be worse," Soun said.

"Yeah, he could be carp," Nabiki said with a shiver, thinking Ranma had got off lucky.

"It's perverse!" Akane exclaimed, eyeing the redhead and comparing herself and coming off second best.

"That's why it's called a curse and not a blessing," Ranma said as she came inside. "There is a rumor that the curse is suppose to teach each individual something, but I'm at a loss as to what turning into a girl is suppose to teach me."

Genma followed Ranma inside and poured a cup of hot tea over his head. "Well, you are a lot more polite and your cooking is better."

"Bit of a waste to use that much magic to teach me what a couple of summer school classes would cover," Ranma said as she sat down. "Besides, what has it taught you?"

"That poachers are evil!" Genma declared with a growl.

"Oh yeah," Ranma said using the soul of ice to keep a straight face. To speed Genma up, so they could reach Japan without stumbling into a half a dozen situations they normally got into, Ranma had hired some people to hunt Genma. It had been remarkably effective, but lowered the number of times they'd run into Shampoo sadly.

"Poachers?" Soun asked.

"Poachers," Genma said firmly. "China is rife with them."

"Not going to turn back?" Kasumi asked Ranma.

"Nah, I think the curse splashes you more the less time you're in your cursed form. I get around it a little by sleeping in my cursed form, so I don't have to worry about getting woken up by being splashed, but I still wait a little while after being splashed before turning back, just in case," Ranma explained.

Nabiki reached out to check if Ranma's breasts were real, not even thinking about what she was doing.

Ranma moved back. "Nabiki! I said friends first!"

"Friends check each others' cup sizes," Nabiki tried to defend her actions, blurting out the first excuse she could think of.

"At the table?" Ranma asked, playing dumb, something she was remarkably good at.

"In the locker room and at slumber parties mostly," Nabiki admitted.

"Oh," Ranma said, "well I have no plans to go into any girls locker rooms and I seriously doubt I'll be invited to any slumber parties," she joked.

Kasumi and Nabiki giggled at the idea of any girl inviting the polite and formal boy they'd just met to lounge around in pajamas and exchange makeup tips.

"You never know," Nabiki joked, thinking this was the strangest day she'd ever had.

"That's perverted!" Akane exclaimed, picturing Ranma sneaking into a slumber party with a bunch of defenseless girls.

"Slumber parties are perverted?" Ranma asked Nabiki with a clueless look on her face.

"Not the ones I've been to," Nabiki lied, before making sure everyone saw her looking at Akane suspiciously.

Akane blushed and spluttered as if she had something to hide, which Ranma knew wasn't true but considering the number of things Akane thought was perverted, she probably thought she did.

Ranma turned to Kasumi deciding to let Akane stew for a while. "Would you like help preparing diner?"

"I couldn't ask a guest to help," Kasumi said.

"If things work out we're going to be family," Ranma said, "and I quite enjoy cooking. So, please may I help?"

"If you like," Kasumi conceded, hoping Ranma was a better cook than Akane. She silently muttered a prayer in her mind that is was so.

"I think I'll join you," Nabiki said, surprising her family who knew that she never cooked unless forced to.

"I'll help," Akane quickly offered not wanting to leave her defenseless sisters to Ranma's mercy.

"No room," Nabiki said firmly. "Sorry sis, we can only fit three people in there comfortably unless we want to be brushing up against each other all the time… unless that's what you had planned…"

"No!" Akane exclaimed wide eyed.

"Good, then you can wait out here," Nabiki said quickly as they escaped into the kitchen.

As the door was closing Soun could be heard saying, "what exactly goes on at the slumber parties you attend?"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: I know she was made worse in the anime, but even in the manga Akane was a bitch, nice to see a version of her actually being forced to deal with her actions even a little, and I think a nice spring wedding with Tatewaki Kuno would be best. Hopefully Ranma can prevent the full Kuno family from getting too nuts on him, Kodachi being into him is going to be tough enough, don't need Tatewaki trying to "rescue" Ranko as well.**


	35. NLFO3: Once Worshiped as Gods

**New Lamps For Old 3: Once Worshipped as Gods**

"Crap, crap, crap, crap!" Washu exclaimed as she rushed around the lab, checking readings and searching for answers, Tenchi's softly glowing form resting on a bed in the center of the lab.

"Is Tenchi going to be okay?" Sasami asked worriedly, clutching Ryo-Ohki tightly.

"He's Tenchi, he'll be fine," Ryoko said firmly, trying to cover up her worry with false confidence, "Washu hasn't failed to come through before."

"She's never been running back and forth yelling crap before either," Mihoshi noted worriedly. The ditzy galaxy police officer was unsure what she could do to help but was sure there had to be something.

"Mihoshi!" Princess Ayeka growled out, before turning to her younger sister and assuring her, "Lord Tenchi will be fine, Ryoko is correct, Miss Washu has never failed to find a solution."

"Why did his Jurian power turn on him?" Nobuyuki asked his father-in-law. "Is it anything like what happened with his mother?"

Katsuhito shook his head. "My daughter drew on too much power, too fast, while much too young, shortening her life span. No, Tenchi's power is attacking him like he's a foreign entity, it's a completely different situation."

"Has this ever happened before?" Nobuyuki asked, worried for his son.

"The closest case was when a non-Jurian tried to bond to a Jurian tree, but Tenchi has not bonded to one, so I am at a loss," the old priest admitted hoping his grandson would be okay and silently offering prayers to the goddesses.

"This is so frustrating!" Washu exclaimed, the small red headed scientist pausing to pull at her own hair.

"Jurian power is a double-edged sword," the old priest said gravely, "sometimes it is simply too much for our frail forms."

"Then why not make him stronger?" Mihoshi asked.

"Washu snorted. "Why not make him stronger…" she muttered bitterly then froze. "Why not make him stronger?" she asked aloud. "That's it!"

Washu raced around the lab, hitting buttons and flipping switches as a tank full of the formless Masu slowly lowered itself over the twitching young man.

"Is she doing what I think she's doing?" Princess Ayeka asked in shock.

"If you mean saving Tenchi, then yes, that is what she is doing," Ryoko said, picturing a Tenchi that was a lot like her, able to fly, phase through solid matter, and throw energy blasts.

"Will it work?" Sasami asked, looking to the adults for answers.

"Of course it will work, I'm the greatest scientific genius in the universe!" Washu yelled, laughing madly as the tank enveloped Tenchi, the grapefruit size aquatic lifeform settling on his body and slowly sinking into his flesh…

"His vital signs are getting stronger," Mihoshi noted.

"But not quite enough," Washu muttered. "Ryoko, get over here, I need some of your blood!"

"My blood? Why do you need my blood?" the space pirate asked as she floated forward and offered an arm.

"I injected Masu into my egg when I made you," Washu explained, "your blood contains the genetic sequences needed to allow him to adapt." The empty tank vanished overhead leaving the unconscious young man behind, the purple glow around him a bit stronger than it had been before.

"Go ahead, take a pint, I'll make more," Ryoko said urgently.

Washu pressed a small grey cylindrical device to Ryoko's arm for a second until it beeped and turned back to Tenchi, pressing it to his neck.

"I don't know if this will be enough," Katsuhito said, watching the glow around his grandson slowly increase.

"By itself no-" Washu fell silent as Tenchi's body shifted into that of a dark-haired young girl. "Unusual but not unexpected," she muttered before throwing the device to the old priest. "The Masu DNA not only makes him stronger, it makes him more adaptable. Give me some of your blood and your Jurian genes will reinforce his own so he can contain his power."

The old man pushed the device to his wrist until it beeped and then passed it back to the small genius who pressed it to the side of the dark-haired girl's throat once more. After a few seconds the young woman's body shifted back into a male's and the purple glow slowly faded.

Washu stayed glued to a monitor, waving for everyone to remain silent so she could concentrate. After a minute she nodded in satisfaction. "And I have done it once more, Tenchi is going to be okay."

The girls quickly crowded around the bed where the young man lay, laying hands on him to feel his warmth and assure themselves he was fine.

"How long is he going to be unconscious for?" Nobuyuki asked.

"He'll wake up shortly, his new body should be neutralizing the anesthetic any second now," Washu said.

Tenchi yawned and started softly snoring.

"Of course after what he's gone through, he might be a bit tired," Washu said amused.

Ryoko gently shook his shoulder before Ayeka could stop her. "Tenchi, wake up."

"Five more minutes, pops," Tenchi muttered rolling over and burying his head under the pillow, his hospital gown falling open behind him making the girls blush.

Katsuhito quickly drew the gown closed. "Grandson you can sleep later, we have a number of concerned people who wish to speak to you right now."

Tenchi rolled back over and opened his eyes, revealing that they were now bright blue rather than brown. "Who?" he asked.

"Tenchi, you're okay!" Ryoko exclaimed, throwing herself on top of him.

Ayeka's eyes narrowed and she mentally cursed herself for not thinking to do that first, royal dignity be damned!

"There, there," Tenchi said awkwardly, patting her on the back.

"Son, what do you remember?" Nobuyuki asked.

Tenchi opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. "Nothing," he said, "I've got nothing."

"That's probably for the best, you were in a lot of pain," Washu said, everyone ignoring Ayeka pulling Ryoko off him, both of them falling to the floor.

Ayeka scrambled to her feet, but found Mihoshi and Sasami had already claimed spots on the bed hugging him from the sides with Ryo-Ohki in child form on his chest.

"No, I mean I don't remember anything," Tenchi said. "I don't know who any of you are or even who I am."

"That's awful," Mihoshi said eyes tearing up.

"Is it?" Tenchi asked worriedly.

"Not as awful as being dead would be, and the memory loss is probably temporary," Washu said bluntly. "Worst case, you can make new memories and I have tons of footage of everyone so you can see what's happened in the past. Time travel may be a bad idea all around, but simply recording light and sound waves from outside of the time stream is perfectly safe… well about eighty percent, plus or minus a couple of points."

"Now that sounds handy," Tenchi said with a smile.

"Let's stick with things we've filmed by normal means to start," Katsuhito suggested dryly, but unable to keep the corners of his mouth from twitching.

"Sure, I can do that," Washu said hitting some buttons and transforming the bed into a large sofa, while the lights dimmed and a screen the size of a movie theater rose from the floor facing it.

"What all have you recorded?" Ayeka asked picking up her younger sister and placing her on her lap so they could both sit beside Tenchi.

Not to be outdone Ryoko picked up Mihoshi and did the same, much to Mihoshi's surprise.

"Everything!" Washu said proudly, causing Ayeka and Ryoko to stare at her in horror.

"How about we start with some of the usual household hi-jinks before we get into any of the… major events?" Katsuhito suggested, not wanting to scare Tenchi off.

"Here is the highlight reel from last weekend," Washu said, as the screen lit up.

 **An hour later**

"You girls fight in the house too much," Tenchi said, shaking his head, "and how does me dating all of you work, anyway? Do I have a schedule where I take you out on dates in turn or what?"

"Yes!" Ayeka exclaimed, then blushed and cleared her throat. "I mean, yes Lord Tenchi we take turns and really should make a schedule… it would cut down on fights."

"Yeah," Ryoko said with a slowly growing smile, "that would cut down on fights."

Tenchi's father and grandfather smiled, thinking about how much property damage could be avoided that way.

"I can draw one up!" Sasami said eagerly. "I can put it in the kitchen so everyone can see it's fair."

"I always forget to check the schedule," Mihoshi complained, surprised there was a schedule. "Make sure I have a Tuesday so we can go karaoking!"

"I quite enjoy Saturdays," Ayeka said.

"Fridays all the way," Ryoko added.

"Make the schedule later," Washu said, pleased to see the girls actually not making a fuss about taking turns, "for now let's get back to the show! Wanna see hours of you sweeping steps or sparring with gramps?"

"Sparring," Tenchi said instantly perking up.

The screen lit up with scenes of Tenchi training and being instructed by Katsuhito which Tenchi immediately found fault with.

"My footing is pathetic and while my form is good, I have no follow through," he complained as he watched his onscreen self spar with the old priest.

"But for your age, you're quite good," his grandfather assured him.

"Not unless I'm six," Tenchi argued. "I have to train, this is going to distract me until I fix it."

"Are you sure?" his grandfather asked. "I'm not sure you're fully recovered. Perhaps you can wait a few days."

"I feel fine," Tenchi assured him.

"Physically he's fine," Washu assured him, "and maybe performing some familiar katas will stimulate his memory."

Tenchi stood up and set Ryo-Ohki down. Noting a draft he said, "Can someone show me where my room is, I need pants."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Are you sure this is wise?" Katsuhito asked Washu as they waited for Tenchi to join them outside.

"Physically he's stronger than ever," Washu assured him. "Reinforcing his Jurian genes and adding Masu puts him levels above human strength and toughness. Unless you are seriously trying to injure him, he'll be fine."

"Alright," the old priest said, accepting her appraisal of his grandson, "it just seems a bit strange to go from about dying to sparing in a matter of hours."

"Pretend he's Ryoko's brother," Washu suggested, "because physically he'll share much of her strength even if he can't properly use it yet."

Tenchi stepped outside with a red faced Ayeka and grinning Ryoko. He was dressed in a pair of loose black cotton pants and a white t-shirt, looking very eager to begin.

Sasami handed Tenchi a bokken and he thanked her before loosening up and trying a few moves, showing speed and precision that surprised everyone.

Katsuhito smiled, suddenly looking forward to the spar. "Ready?"

Everyone moved back to give them space.

"Ready when you are gramps," Tenchi said casually but his eyes glittered with excitement.

"Begin," Washu called out.

If you blinked you'd have missed it as the two leapt into combat, the sound of their wooden swords clacking against one another like a string of firecrackers.

Suddenly the two were several feet apart from one another and Tenchi was rolling his wrists while Katsuhito was rolling his shoulders.

"I don't remember teaching you some of that," the old priest noted curiously.

Tenchi grinned. "Neither do I."

The pair laughed.

"Another round?" Tenchi asked.

"I think I can spare the time," he told his grandson, before the latter blurred into motion once more.

The girls gathered behind Washu, who had a holographic screen in front of her that slowed down the fight to a speed they could see.

"Has Tenchi been holding back that much?" Ryoko asked in disbelief.

"I'm not sure," Washu admitted. "We all know he doesn't like to hurt people, so he doesn't fully commit to battle unless forced, hence I believe a good deal of his increased strength and speed is because of my work," she said smugly.

"For once you did something right," Ryoko said eyes glued to Tenchi as sweat beaded on his skin while he fought.

There came a faint sound of thunder and a light rain came down, soaking the two and causing Tenchi's form to shift. They both withdrew to try and figure out what had happened.

"Okay, this is new… right?" Tenchi asked as she stared down at 'her' breasts clearly visible through her wet white shirt.

"It's the Masu DNA it allows a certain degree of shape shifting," Washu said, "it's a feature not a bug!"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: sorry for delays in getting this typed up IRL was a bitch the last couple weeks, and while this looks fun, I never got into Tenchi so I'm sure there are a lot of mistakes for dogbert to find and fix**

 **AN: This is the third of the four stories I had planned. The fourth involves Tenchi in Bleach taking Ichigo's place! I had some people ask about what I had planned since they can find the first two but not the second, so I put this out so they could see the setup I had planned when I got the idea. An older amnesiatic Ranma taking the place of Tenchi.  
**


	36. Debts

**Debts**

The day was won, the city saved, and the Avengers were sitting in a partially destroyed middle eastern eatery trying the cuisine, when a tall, broad shouldered man walked in, wearing an eye patch.

"You're not Fury," Stark noted, looking him over and noting his torn and scorched clothing.

"I'm not Sound either," he replied with a shrug. "Thor Odinson?" he asked, turning to Thor.

"I am he," Thor said proudly and thumped his chest with a closed fist.

"Good, then this is for you," the man said, laying an ancient and tattered piece of goat skin in front of the Asgardian.

"Some ancient summons?" Hawkeye guessed as he leaned forward to get a better view of it.

"Looks more like a bar tab to me," Stark said with a snicker.

"Everything looks like a bar tab to you," Rogers joked.

"It is a bar tab," Thor said.

"How old is that bar tab?" Stark asked in disbelief, reaching out and turning it around to try and decipher it.

"Well over a thousand years and still unpaid," the one eyed man said.

"Who keeps an unpaid bar tab for a millennium?" Bruce asked in disbelief.

"Aud," Thor and the one-eyed man chorused.

"How did you end up with a thousand year old bar bill?" Stark asked.

"Aud left it to me in her will," the man replied.

"And how long ago was that?" Natasha asked, already creating a mental profile of him to add to the file she'd read and finding a decent number of weapons hidden on him as she looked him over, all barely noticeable and all of them ones that could be used for silent assassinations from what she could tell.

"About a year and a half ago," the man replied.

"How did she meet her end?" Thor asked.

"On her feet, sword in hand, fighting a Turok-Han," the one eyed man replied proudly. "It was a fierce battle."

"I thought the Turok-Han long deceased," Thor said, sounding surprised.

"They are now, probably," he said thoughtfully. "There was a small army of them in enchanted sleep in a cavern."

"I hate when they do that," Thor said shaking his head.

"So do I," the man agreed, "but it is an effective tactic so I doubt they'll stop using it any time soon."

"Who are you?" Stark asked.

"Alexander Harris, my friends call me Xander," he introduced himself.

"Come sit with us and tell us how you fared in this battle," Thor said waving a hand at the city around them.

Xander took a seat next to Thor, and let out a relieved sigh, glad to be off his feet. "Thanks, I came through with only some light bruising so either I'm getting better at dodging or these guys were crap."

"More the latter," Thor said, "their danger was in their quantity not their quality."

"I suspected as much," Xander said as Stark ordered for him. "The armor was good quality but poorly fitted, the weapons powerful but clumsy."

"Aye," Thor agreed. "It was like the clumsy swat of a giant."

"So you tracked down Thor, The God of Thunder to settle a bar tab?" Stark asked.

"Yep," Xander agreed, pouring himself a drink from the pitcher on the table.

"Why?" Natasha asked. "I can't see money being your sole motivation."

"Anya, the name Aud used when she was with me, asked me to collect on her remaining debts in her will," Xander replied.

"How was she still alive after a thousand years?" Stark asked. "Was she Asgardian, frozen in ice, a deep sleeper, what?!"

"She was a simple mortal barmaid when I knew her," Thor offered.

"She became immortal, I convinced her to stay mortal when she became one again, she died in battle," Xander explained, not feeling like sharing any more of her story.

"Why would you do that?" Bruce asked.

"Better afterlife prospects," Xander said.

"She died in battle against a worthy foe, she is no doubt in Valhalla right now," Thor said, clapping Xander on the back.

Xander swayed with the blow. "Yeah, I know. I checked just to make sure."

"How do you check something like that?" Stark asked.

"It involved putting an egg inside a chicken," Xander said, "and that's all I'm willing to say about it."

"What do you do for a living?" Stark asked, wondering how sane this man was.

"Nothing," Xander replied. "I don't have to do anything for a living, so I do whatever I want."

"I must return my brother to Asgard to face judgment, you shall accompany me," Thor told Xander. "I shall have payment for you there."

"I can cover it if you don't have the cash on you," Stark offered.

"It's not money, I pledged if the bill was late I'd pay with my favorite weapon at the time," Thor explained. "It was before I'd mastered my hammer."

"I've always wanted to see Asgard," Xander said with a slowly growing smile.

Stark opened up a panel in the forearm of his armor and started typing away, pulling up what he could find on Alexander Harris.

"May I?" Xander asked, gesturing to the hammer.

"Only the worthy may lift it," Thor said gesturing for Xander to go ahead.

"But worthy of what?" Xander asked as he grabbed the handle and lifted the hammer. "Man you could do some serious damage with this," he said in admiration, feeling a surge of strength and knowing that with this hammer in his hand no one could stand against him, Glory would have been ground into dust long before she could have become a threat to anyone he cared about. He forced himself to set it back down and release it.

"My father was never clear on what worthy meant just that I was not," Thor admitted, "and he was right. I was too easy to anger and too quick to rush to judgment. I thought little of others when I should have thought much and much of myself when I should have thought little."

"Doubt I'm really worthy," Xander said.

"You just lifted it," Rogers pointed out.

"It was probably a test," Xander replied, waving it off.

"Yeah, if you're worthy you can lift the hammer," Stark said bluntly as he continued searching online.

"I mean I was probably allowed to lift the hammer to see what I'd do with it," Xander explained.

"You've lost me," Clint said.

"Just because you are worthy of lifting the hammer doesn't mean you would act as Thor would. So the question of whether I was worthy of the hammer is secondary to the question of what I would do with the power," Xander explained.

"You remind me of my father," Thor said surprised.

"It's the eye-patch," Xander suggested.

Thor laughed. "Mayhap."

"Who, or more likely what, are Turok-Han?" Stark asked Xander as he looked at the scarce amount of reports he could find on him.

"Cro-Magnon vampires who were strong enough to walk about in daylight," Xander explained, poking at the sandwich Stark had ordered for him suspiciously.

"Vampires?" Stark asked doubtfully.

"Is the threat contained?" Rogers asked.

"They were completely wiped out," Xander reassured him before taking a cautious bite of the sandwich and finding it palatable.

"You believe in vampires?" Stark asked Rogers, surprised that the old soldier would believe in something so ridiculous.

"A couple of the Nazi were vampires," Rogers replied, "but thankfully the numbers were low."

"Next you're going to tell me werewolves exist," Stark said with a grin, figuring they were just messing with him.

"It's a foul curse that has ruined many a warrior who could not overcome it," Thor said solemnly.

"He hasn't been read in?" Xander asked, looking around the table for those in the know.

"There hasn't been any need to," Natasha replied, "plus it was decided that the last thing the world needed was Tony Stark getting interested in the supernatural."

Clint turned to Stark. "We're just messing with you, vampire and werewolves don't exist." He snickered. "Gullible."

Tony laughed. "You almost got me there. Where did you find him?" He gestured to Xander with his thumb.

"I really am collecting on a bar bill, regardless of military in-jokes," Xander said. If his teammates didn't want Iron Man to know about the supernatural world, Xander wasn't going to tell him.

"Found it in a museum or something?" Tony asked, as he flickered through what few files were available on Alexander Harris, noting quite a few police reports and dropped charges.

"I have to do something with my spare time," Xander replied, dodging the question.

"Like arson?" Tony asked as he read about several cases were Harris was the prime suspect until the charges were dropped with no explanation given.

"I spend a fair amount of time tracking down nut cases," Xander said, "and quite a few have a special relationship with fire."

"I'm seeing a distinct lack of arrests," Tony noted, fishing for more information.

"By the time I discover them they are already into double digits in terms of lives lost," Xander explained. "None of them are willing to surrender and I'm not willing to risk anyone to try and bring them in alive."

"You're an assassin," Tony guessed.

"Sometimes," Xander said thoughtfully, "but most of the time I just show up, ask some questions, and get attacked."

"Who do you work for and what's the retirement package like?" Tony asked, shaking his head.

"I don't work for anyone," Xander said, "I just… help people."

"By killing them?" Tony asked sarcastically.

"By killing the people that kill them," Xander corrected. "Bit of a difference there."

"True," Tony admitted, not quite hypocritical enough to argue about it.

"We leave at dawn," Thor said, changing the subject. "Will you be ready?"

"Sure, I just have to make one phone call real quick." Xander pulled out his phone and tapped the screen before holding it up to his ear. "Hey Wills. I'm catching a ride with Thor in the morning and I wanted to give you a heads up so you didn't panic when I vanished. I know you said you didn't put any trackers on me, but it's not like I'd believe it."

Tony smirked as he listened to Jarvis. "Nice try, but I'm monitoring the entire em spectrum and your phone isn't connecting to anything."

"Got anything appropriate for Asgard?" Xander asked ignoring Tony.

A massive war hammer appeared at Xander's side in a flash of light.

Xander chuckled. "Very funny, Wills. And how am I supposed to wield it?"

Black Widow and Hawkeye had flinched when the hammer appeared, but didn't draw their weapons. Rogers had shifted warily but relaxed as nothing else had happened.

"Ulik's hammer?" Thor asked as he looked it over, looking a bit surprised.

"You did? Well, thanks. I'll call you as soon as I get back. Love you too, bye!" Xander tapped the screen and put it away. "Willow wanted to make sure I was properly armed for the trip."

"Tis not the equal of mine, but it's a worthy weapon," Thor offered.

"It looks a bit hard to wield, like swinging around an anvil on a stick," Clint said. "How can you lift it?"

"I can't or couldn't," Xander replied, "but Willow said she fixed that."

"Ulik's hammer?" Rogers asked.

"King of the trolls and a fierce warrior," Thor replied as Xander grabbed the massive hammer and slowly lifted it.

"So it's Asgardian," Tony said.

"It's not of Asgard," Thor disagreed, "the trolls are part of Jotunheim."

"Same difference," Tony waved it off. "How did you get it?" he asked Xander.

"Killed a troll god," Xander said. "Well, not me personally, he liked me. My friend Buffy killed him." He set the hammer back down, satisfied he could handle it.

"I have so many questions," Tony said, making a list in his head.

"And I have zero urge to answer them," Xander replied with a shrug.

"I could bribe you," Tony said with a smile.

Xander shook his head. "I'm good on money and I can't imagine you'd have anything I want."

"Seriously?" Tony asked, as if the very idea of not being able to bribe someone was incomprehensible.

"Seriously," Xander replied. "I have more than enough money to retire any time I want and my 'job' keeps me busy."

"You have Asgardian stuff and can teleport things, that's more concerning than the 'people die on fire around you' section of my questions," Tony said, sounding almost serious for once which meant he probably was.

"And you have armor that makes you a one man army," Xander fired back. "All you have to do is look at what people do with the power they have to see if you should start asking pointed questions."

Tony considered that. "Could you at least tell me how you were communicating without using the electromagnetic spectrum?" he finally asked, relaxing a little and mentally designing an algorithm that would allow him to get more data about Xander based on what little he had already found out.

Xander considered what he could say beyond magic. "Things that were once one thing are always one thing in some ways," he explained, recalling how Willow had explained it to him.

Bruce snapped his fingers. "Quantum entanglement!"

Tony nodded. "Yeah, okay." He turned to Clint and Nat. "No questions from SHIELD?"

"He's Alexander Harris," Natasha said, "SHIELD records refer to him as Rogue Agent in our files. His psychological profile is all over the place, but his actions speak for themselves."

"Rogue Agent?" Xander asked.

"We needed a code name for your file and Chaos Bringer set the wrong tone," Natasha told him. "I studied your file when we were notified you were in the area."

"The government is tracking me?" Xander asked a bit surprised and not quite sure how to feel about that fact.

"Trying to," Natasha said, "you seem to wander around without rhyme or reason. Agents are usually dispatched to sift through the ashes behind you and make sure all the embers are put out, just in case."

"Remind me, how do we know he isn't setting the fires?" Tony asked.

"Because the number of deaths and missing persons cases goes down after he's passed through an area," Natasha said. "While not in any way an Agent of SHIELD, Fury says he handles the cases we would have sent him on if he were, hence Rogue Agent."

"Can I request a cooler name?" Xander asked. "Rogue Agent is kinda bland. How about Agent X?"

"Taken," Clint said.

"Fire starter?"

"Closed down CIA program," Natasha said.

"Agent Blaze?"

"Works for us," Clint said. "Nice guy, does crypto work."

"You can't request a change of code name, they are assigned by command," Natasha informed him.

"What if I put on a colorful outfit and do some signature stuff, like use a specific weapon or use certain tactics?" Xander asked grinning widely. "It works for you guys."

"Is he insane?" Bruce asked curiously and only half joking.

"It's in his file," Black Widow said with a sigh.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: almost back to normal for typing stuff, and I can totally see Anya doing something like this, and Xander would definitely follow through with her requests from her will.**


	37. Wood it Work 3

**Chapter 1:YEMF 45**  
 **Chapter 2: YASEMF 63**

Darla sniffed the air inside the shop. It was difficult to separate out the smell of those present from the countless roots and herbs, but centuries of experience allowed her a small measure of success.

'Fee fi foe fum,' she thought to herself as a redheaded girl who couldn't have been more than ten at most, popped up from behind the counter, laying a tome bound in living skin on it.

"Stop trying to escape," Willow ordered her latest trade, a leather bound book that was always warm and she kept misplacing.

"Excuse me," Darla said politely, not sure what was trying to pose as a child, but not really caring as she had a job to do. "I have a list of ingredients I need." She placed the list on the counter.

Willow picked up the list and read it while absently giving her spiel, "We're low on a few things, so if you bring in anything we're low on, you can trade in for seventy five percent of the marked price in store credit. The idea is that you can probably get at least a couple of things cheaper than we can, so you can actually make a small profit in materials while getting what you need. As for books, I like books, especially old leather bound tomes." She gestured to a chalkboard with a half dozen things listed.

"Valerian bloodroot is easy enough to come by," Darla said, knowing of a patch growing out of the wall near The Master's lair. Vampires had no use for it and no other demon would dare enter The Master's territory, so it'd grown quite large. "I could bring in a few pounds of that, but I don't have any on me right now."

"That's alright," Willow said, grabbing the living tome before it could crawl off the counter and stuffing it in a drawer, "we'll just go by the honor system. Bring it by tomorrow and I'll just give you the credit for it now."

"Sure," Darla agreed with a mental grin, as she doubted she'd ever have to use this shop again so it's not like she'd have to go through all the hassle of actually delivering on what she promised.

"Follow me," Willow said coming out from behind the counter and lead the vampire into the workshop where Jesse and her boyfriend were working.

Xander ran a whetstone over the edge of the iron spike he was working on, trying to get it as sharp as possible.

"You should use the grinder," Jesse said as he sanded down a section of wood.

"And have dull spikes?" Xander scoffed. "I am a professional! Dull spikes aren't going to penetrate flesh nearly as well."

"Dull ones hurt more going in," Jesse said with an over the top sneer that he had copied from the sheriff of Nottingham in the movie they'd just watched, "it's only a shame we can't use spoons!"

Xander laughed. "I'm not raiding the silverware drawer when I can just use spikes from the church's old iron fence they are replacing."

Darla swore she felt her unbeating heart leap to life to skip a beat as she saw the two 'boys' were finishing up work on a Judas' coffin and had even went to the trouble of enhancing it with spikes from a church's fence!

"The black iron spikes do look cool," Jesse admitted.

"Let's see," Willow said, as she disappeared down an aisle with the list, causing Darla to rush after her, "beihr root we actually have an overstock of, so I can give you a discount on that."

Darla nodded, swallowing heavily but saying nothing as Willow filled her order, deciding that she was definitely going to be getting that Valerian bloodroot and paying them tonight!

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

"Thank you, come again," Willow said as a tall male in a leather jacket left, having delivered half a dozen pounds of bloodroot to pay for the blonde woman's earlier purchase.

He seemed really nervous, but she figured it was because he was walking alone at night, she knew she'd feel the same way without Xander there.

Willow flipped the open sign to off and locked the door before rejoining the two in the back.

Xander walked around the wardrobe, rechecking the runes he'd carved into it and comparing them to the book he was working from. "It all looks right, but I need a ton of blood, freely given to finish it."

Willow stepped up to him and they exchanged a quick kiss, blushing as Jesse smirked at them. "I'm not positive about that translation," she admitted as he set the book on a bench so they could hold hands. "It was more… not forcibly taken, than freely given, I think."

"So, we could buy some," Jesse said.

"How are we going to buy blood?" Xander asked.

"People sell blood," Jesse said with a shrug, "so there has to be a way to buy it."

"We could try a butcher shop," Xander said. "The British cook with blood, so maybe they save it."

"I don't think we have a lot of British people in town," Jesse said, "but it's worth a shot."

"I wonder what the hospital does with the blood that goes bad?" Willow said thoughtfully.

"Blood goes bad?" Xander asked.

"I found out at least year's blood drive that they can only keep it for ninety days and about ten percent can't be used because the person who donated it is either sick or has taken aspirin recently," Willow explained.

"We can buy the bad stuff off them next blood drive," Xander said, "for now let's try the butcher shop."

"Sounds good," Jesse agreed. "So all you need to finish the cabinet is blood?"

"The wardrobe," Xander said firmly, "just needs some blood, spices, and chanting. Your coffin for Halloween is done, with freshly sharpened spikes, and Willow's headboard is still a work in progress."

"You could just leave it plain," Willow offered.

"Nope," Xander said, "I saw some really cool Star of David designs in one of the books that would look perfect, I just need more practice carving because they are really complicated."

Willow hugged him tightly with a huge smile on her face. "You are getting kissed a lot later," she swore.

Xander beamed.

"What about the table?" Jesse asked.

"That's for Max," Xander said. "Varnish is still tacky."

"If we're all done for the night, I vote we go to my place and watch movies!" Jesse said.

"Or we could watch your movies at my place," Willow said, "just in case my parents call to check on me."

Xander and Jesse exchanged glances knowing her parents weren't going to call but not wanting to say it.

"Good idea," Jesse said, "I'll tell my parents I'm staying at Xander's place and I can sleep on the sofa."

"Good, you can help us eat all the beef stroganoff, we kinda made too much," Willow said.

"Yes, but we didn't make a mess," Xander said proudly.

"Well, not one we didn't clean up anyway," Willow conceded as they retrieved their jackets from the lifelike statue they'd found in there and were using as a coat rack.

"If there are no witnesses, there is no crime," Jesse said. "Can I invite someone?"

"Jonathan?" Willow guessed as Xander locked up the shop and reclaimed her hand.

"I was thinking more… Sharon Deats," Jesse said nervously.

"You've been hanging out with Sharon?" Willow asked. "When? I haven't seen her around."

We meet up at the library," he admitted. "I've been checking out books on tape. Heinlein is awesome!"

Xander and Willow exchanged a look, surprised but not seeing any problem with it.

"Sure, but how are you going to keep her parents from finding out?" Willow asked.

"Her mom is at her boyfriend's place most nights, so she won't have to make any excuses," Jesse said.

"Works for me," Xander said. "So, what are we watching?"

"I don't know," Jesse said as they climbed in the flatbed truck and put on their troll masks. "I thought we'd either grab some college flicks or horror movies."

"Or we could watch some cartoons," Willow said as Jesse started the truck and she quickly buckled up.

"Cartoons are good," Jesse said. "How about Heavy Metal?"

"That's a cartoon?" Willow asked.

"Only the coolest one ever!" Jesse enthused turning to face them as he pulled out.

Xander forcibly turned his friends' head back towards the road. "Sounds good, concentrate on driving."

"Sure," Jesse said, pleased that he'd tricked them into agreeing to see an R rated movie, while they were distracted by his awesome driving skills.

 ***THUMP***

"Relax, it was just a can," he told them as they drove down a back alley to a poorer section of town not far from the docks.

"Wow, you only hit one can," Willow said impressed as he pulled to a stop behind a small house that had seen better days as the paint was peeling and the bushes were overgrown, visible even in the faint light from the streetlamps.

"Practice makes perfect," he said smugly, before turning off the key and hoping out of the truck.

Xander quickly reached over and shifted the truck into park while Jesse opened the back gate and walked up to the house.

"Shouldn't he take the mask off?" Willow asked as Jesse knocked on the door.

A young girl with short dirty blonde hair answered the door screeched and smacked Jesse in the head with a frying pan.

 ***CLANG***

"Probably," Xander agreed as Jesse fended the girl off while talking quickly.

"Where did she get the frying pan?" Willow asked. "Was she carrying it when she answered the door?"

"Maybe," Xander replied reaching under his mask to scratch an itch on his chin.

"It could have been hanging by the door if their back door opens to the kitchen," Willow decided, feeling that was a lot more likely.

The girl vanished into the house and Jesse gave them a wave to let them know it was alright before he rubbed his head.

"Maybe I should drive," Xander said, worried about how bad Jesse's driving would be now if Sharon had hit him too hard.

The young girl returned, carrying a backpack and wearing a witch's mask and the two quickly joined them at the truck.

"Sharon, this is Xander and his girlfriend Willow," Jesse said waving at her to climb in while he introduced them. They'd shared some classes in school, but had never spent any time with her. "Guys, this is Sharon."

"It's nice to meet you," she said as she climbed in, Xander and Willow scooting over to give her room. "Jesse scared the hell out of me or I normally wouldn't have greeted him with a sauce pan."

"I thought it was a frying pan," Willow said.

"Nah, those are heavier," she said cheerfully as Jesse climbed in and started the truck. "So, we're going over to one of your houses to spend the night?"

"My parents are in LA so we're going to watch movies," Willow explained. "Plus, we cooked too much food… I hope you like beef stroganoff."

"Sounds good," Sharon said. "My place is way too quiet on the weekends, so it'll be fun to hang out."

"I know what you mean," Willow said, "I'm just glad I've got Xander to keep me company."

"Always," he told her, giving her a squeeze.

"They are sickeningly sweet," Jesse said, "so if you're diabetic get your insulin ready."

 ***THUD***

"Try not to hit every can in the alley," Xander said.

"That was Mr. Grouse's can, he's a dick," Sharon said, "hit his cans all you like."

"I'll get it again when we drop you off," Jesse promised.

"Cool," Sharon said with a grin in her voice.

"Are we sickeningly sweet?" Willow asked Xander nervously.

"Darn tooting," he replied giving her a hug. "I happen to like it."

"Good," Willow said.

After a quick stop at Jesse's house to pick up movies and get permission, where they parked several houses away so his parents wouldn't see and reminded him about the mask so he wouldn't get hit in the head again, they finally reached Willow's place.

"I'll get the food," Xander said, taking off his mask and setting it on the coffee table.

"I'll start the movie," Willow said putting her mask on top of Xander's and getting Heavy Metal from Jesse. "Hey, this is R-rated!"

"It's a cartoon," Jesse assured her as he and Sharon removed their masks and added them to the stack.

"Oh, okay," Willow said, putting it in the VCR and starting it up.

Five minutes later they were all relaxing and watching the movie while they ate.

"Hey, there are boobies!" Willow complained.

"Cartoon boobies," Jesse countered.

Willow frowned but then shrugged, it was still a cartoon as he'd promised. "Oh, okay."

Xander put his arm around Willow and she leaned into him. 'This has been a great summer,' he decided.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: Nice to see this one continued, and it was fun seeing Darla freaking out certain that the kids are horrible monsters in disguise. And nice to see Jesse not obsessed with Cordelia yet, so he might actually get a full life.**


	38. Bright Copper Trails 2

**Chapter 1: YEMF 62  
**

"I should call the library and let them know I'm alright," Xander said, making no move to get up from where he sat in front of the couch, Dawn running her fingers through his hair. He held his right hand up to his face with the thumb and pinky extended like he was mimicking a telephone receiver, a small antenna extending itself from the end of his thumb. "Strange, I'm not even getting a dial tone."

"You aren't connected to the local cellular network," Dawn told him, "I'll have to figure out a way to mimic the handshake protocols so you can connect."

The antenna retracted and Xander lowered his hand. "I should probably get up and call, I kinda ran out of the library in a panic when I felt your distress."

"You felt Dawn's distress?" Joyce asked as she retrieved the house phone off the wall and unwound the line from its base to reach them, when it became obvious that as long as Dawn was massaging his scalp he wasn't going anywhere. "How does that work?"

"No idea," Xander admitted, "I just knew 'Penny' here was in tears, so I booked it."

"Gadget was chosen because of his empathic nature," Dawn said, "maybe that translated into actual empathy here."

"Maybe," Xander said as he accepted the phone and dialed the library.

"Was Buffy alright?" Joyce asked as Xander waited for someone to pick up.

"She's the Slayer, there isn't much she can't handle," Xander said. "Hey Willow. Sorry I had to cut and run, but Dawn needed me. No, it turned out to be emotional distress, she's fine now. I'm at Buffy's place."

"Didn't Buffy turn into a medieval lady?" Dawn asked. "I can't see one of them lasting that long on the streets of Sunnydale," she noted with a frown, before leaning down and resting her chin atop his head and hugging him.

"Buffy still there?" Xander asked. "Oh, well I wish him luck, though not too much as I kinda like my upgrades. I may not be a Terminator but I'm pretty sure I have a bit more utility. Because Inspector Gadget was like a Swiss army cyborg. Before I forget, how did Buffy do tonight, as a noble woman I mean. Really? Doesn't sound like any noble woman I've ever heard of, but I'm glad to hear it. Let her know Joyce is in the know now when she gets back. I put my fist through the front door on accident and extended my arms about eight feet to catch Dawn when she fell down the stairs. It was going to come out eventually anyway, this is Sunnydale. I'll talk to you later, bye Willow."

Joyce accepted the phone back and returned it to its hook on the wall.

"Buffy beat the hell out of everyone she ran into with a cast iron skillet," Xander told the two. "I guess whatever changed her didn't fully negate her being a slayer, just her strength and memory of it."

"That's a relief," Dawn said, letting go of Xander and tugging him onto the couch so she could sit on his lap. "Buffy may not be my favorite person, but she is my favorite sister."

Xander smiled. "Hard to lose the race when you're running unopposed."

"Exactly," Dawn agreed, before yawning.

"It's getting late," Joyce said, "you should get some sleep, there will be plenty of time to talk in the morning."

"Yeah," Dawn agreed, getting up and grabbing Xander's hand. "Come on, you can use my bed, there is an outlet close enough for you to recharge from and I'm not letting you out of my sight until I can get a good look at all your systems so I know you're okay."

Xander looked to Joyce for her response to Dawn's commands, but she simply waved him on, knowing he wouldn't do anything she'd need to be concerned about.

"I'll wait up for Buffy," she told the two, "you two get some sleep."

"Thanks mom," Dawn said, being able to sleep in Xander's arms making her smile so brightly her cheeks hurt.

"Do you have an adapter that will fit me?" Xander asked as he followed the younger Summers girl up the stairs, making them creak under his weight.

"The world is odder than I know," Joyce said, shaking her head and going to make some coffee.

 **An hour later**

Buffy quietly slipped in the front door, only to freeze as she found her mother sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette.

"Um, hi," Buffy said nervously.

"I'm glad to see you're okay," Joyce said as she looked her oldest daughter over and saw she was unharmed. "We can talk in the morning after breakfast." She got up, put out her cigarette and stretched.

"I'm… not going to have to talk to any doctors, am I?" Buffy asked cautiously.

"No, dear," Joyce assured her, giving her a hug. "Xander and Dawn provided more than enough proof that you're not crazy, the world is."

Buffy laughed and hugged her tightly. "Yeah, it really is at times."

"Now, off to bed dear," Joyce said letting her go.

"Okay, mom," Buffy said, feeling like a tremendous weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She practically bounced up the stairs on the way to her room, but passed by her door to peek in on her younger sister, just to make sure she was alright.

As quietly as possible, she opened the door to Dawn's room and stuck her head inside. She was struck dumb by what she saw.

Dawn was asleep on Xander's chest his head turned towards the open door as he eyed her, his right hand partially raised, a glint of metal visible from the tips of each finger for a brief second as the skin shifted in ways that human fingers are not known to do and… tiny beads of light were just visible beneath all of his visible skin, moving in repeating patterns and adding a strange beauty to the heartwarming scene.

Xander curled his fingers and held his pointer finger in front of his lips in the universal sign for quiet.

Buffy nodded slowly, gave him a small smile and mouthed 'night' to him before closing the door and retreating to her room. She wasn't sure how to feel about what she'd just seen. Willow had told her that Xander was pleased with his upgrades, but being human was what had defined Xander in her mind and trading away some of your humanity for power just seemed wrong to her, not that Xander had been given the choice.

She made a mental note to kick Ethan in the dick, if they ever managed to find him, while she changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed. Any heavy thinking could wait until she'd gotten her beauty sleep.

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Princess Buffy sang as she looked around the graveyard, her long golden locks lighting up like the sun, causing a river of molten gold to spring to life behind her.

Angel screamed and cowered away from her... his hands burning to ash as he fled.

A knight in full plate stood guard over her younger sister, his armor covered in flowing runes that resembled circuitry.

Dawn polished a tarnished section of armor over his heart, spitting on a rag and really scrubbing to remove the stain.

"That is disgusting," Buffy noted. "Seriously, get some 409 or something."

Dawn turned to her sister and Buffy had to shield herself from the emerald light pouring from her eyes. "Says you," she snarked back. "A little spit and polish is just what he needs."

When Buffy lowered her hands she was alone in the graveyard, the light from the river of gold quickly fading.

"People say bacon is the duct tape of food, but I say cheese makes a much better adhesive," a voice said from behind her.

Buffy whirled around but before she could see who had spoken she awoke with a start.

 ***BEEP*BEEP*BEEP***

"Bacon?" Buffy asked as she sat up and sniffed the air. "Breakfast!"

Buffy hurried downstairs and walked into the strangest… no, considering some of the conversations they'd had in the library it really wasn't that weird, just the weirdest one she'd heard in her home.

"Not a real rack, though there is a resemblance," Dawn admitted. "The straps are just to hold you in place and it's not like you can't tear them like tissue anyway."

"And the whip?" Xander asked, pointing to the edge of the drawing Dawn had spread out on the table between their plates.

"Just a doodle," Dawn assured him. "I was kinda thinking about the second Indiana Jones movie while I sketched this."

"That would explain the rolling boulder trap," Xander said, before taking a bite of his omelette.

"Did I put that in there?" Dawn asked before seeing what he was talking about. "Heh, so I did."

"I didn't know you could draw this well," Joyce said as she finished making Buffy a plate.

"Thank you," Buffy said, before quickly diving into her food. Weirdness could wait, she was starving!

"Penny had a lot of skills that are now mine," Dawn explained. "She started taking college courses at fourteen and had multiple diplomas by the time she was sixteen, though most of it was under assumed names for security reasons."

"I thought she was eight," Joyce said, only having caught glimpses of the cartoon while Dawn had watched it.

"She was ten at the start of the series and sixteen by the end," Xander explained. He took a sip of his coffee and smiled. "It is so good to be able to taste food that isn't drowned in peppers."

"I am going to have to run a full new baseline on you," Dawn said thoughtfully. "And I'm going to have to design the equipment to do it too."

Xander winced. "The sensation-emotive response test?"

"Yes, but since you aren't suffering from nearly as much sense reduction it should be a lot milder," she assured him.

"That's a relief," Xander said. "I didn't mind the hot, cold and soft, hard portions, but the ones designed to get an emotional response were brutal!"

"Can I buy a vowel?" Buffy asked, having no idea what they were talking about.

"They were worried about me becoming a cold unthinking machine," Xander explained, "or rather that Inspector Gadget would."

"Uncle Gadget suffered from Hypoesthesia," Dawn explained. "Basically it's like when the doctor doses you with Novocaine, but over your entire body including smell and taste."

"That's awful!" Buffy exclaimed looking at Xander in horror.

"Relax Buff, I don't have his problems," Xander assured her, "I've lost very little."

"It can lead to a sense of detachment to humanity where reality means as much to you as your average teenager playing a video game," Dawn explained trying to dumb it down as much as possible.

"Which is a disaster waiting to happen if the person suffering from it is driving a tank," Xander added.

"Tank?" Buffy asked. "I thought he was a police officer, not a soldier."

"Think… armor plated slayer Buff," Xander said, "you'd have to carpet bomb the block to take one out."

"Is that why he acted so goofy?" Buffy asked suddenly, making an intuitive leap that caused Xander and Dawn's jaws to drop.

"That… would explain a lot," Dawn said as she turned to look at Xander, a question in her eyes.

"I… He played it up a lot," Xander admitted. "He was a bit clumsy at times because of the lack of sensation and he noted how it made the people around him relax, so he just went with it. He was an honest goofball, just not to the degree he showed."

"Sounds familiar," Buffy said dryly as she looked directly at Xander.

"Being overlooked and dismissed can be useful," Xander admitted with a sigh. "I came by my geekhood honestly, much like him, but I do exaggerate it at times to get people to loosen up or overlook me. You can't tell me you don't do the same," he pointed out.

"Occasionally," Buffy admitted thoughtfully, "but really, anyone who buys my stupid act kinda deserves it and it's not like I use it on my friends."

"Often," Xander corrected her.

"What?"

"You don't do it often," Xander corrected her, "you've pulled it on all of us at times."

"When?" Buffy demanded.

"How about when you want to get out of translating Pre-Sumerian languages?" Xander asked with a smirk.

Buffy groaned. "I suck at Proto-Languages, you know that. If they weren't sure of their meanings when they wrote them, how do you expect me to figure it out?"

"Context-" Xander began.

"-is everything," Buffy finished. "We all have our weak points."

"How many times have you gotten me to carry stuff for you?" Xander asked.

"I can't show off my strength," Buffy said, quickly thinking of an excuse.

"Which you do all the time anyway," Xander teased.

"I try not to," Buffy said lamely.

"How about when you get Willow to help with your homework?" Xander asked.

"She is totally better at explaining things than any teacher in the school," Buffy said, "and have you noticed how she reacts to my dumb blonde routine? It's about the same way you-"

 ***ahem*** Xander cleared his throat. "We don't talk about that."

"Without her here anyway," Buffy agreed.

"We have to go to these library meetings," Dawn told her mom.

"Yes, they sound better than my soap operas," Joyce agreed amused.

"Mom," Buffy groaned.

"And don't think I didn't notice you distracting us," Dawn told Xander, who froze realizing he'd been caught out. "The subject was you, not my lazy sister."

"I like being a goofball," Xander said. "When I am needed to do more, I do, but most of the time I don't."

"I can understand that," Dawn said thoughtfully. She turned to her older sister. "You know Pre-Sumerian languages?

"Know? More like vaguely acquainted with them," Buffy said. "I can pick them out of a line up and I might acknowledge them if we ran into each other, but I wouldn't say I know, know them."

"Slaying involves a lot of studying?" Joyce asked surprised.

"You have no idea," Buffy said with a heavy sigh, "if not for Xander and Willow I would have strangled Giles so many times."

"Instead of simply knocking him out?" Xander joked.

Buffy grinned.

Joyce opened her mouth to ask, then decided not to. They had plenty of time for the third degree after breakfast was done.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: Another fun one that's good to see continued. And nice to see Buffy not immediately freak out screaming murder upon seeing Dawn curled up on top of Xander in her bedroom.**


	39. Wood it Work 4

**Chapter 1: YEMF 45**  
 **Chapter 2: YASEMF 63**  
 **Chapter 3: ANYASEMF 37**

"Heavy Metal was a good cartoon," Willow admitted as Xander shut off the lights and climbed into bed with her, "Even with all the violence and… dirty stuff."

"It was fun," Xander agreed, knowing Willow wanted to talk about something from her tone and waiting to hear what it was.

"The girls had big breasts," Willow noted.

"They did," Xander agreed. "Cartoons always have exaggerated stuff."

"My breasts are kinda small," Willow said.

Xander waited but she didn't say anything else and he realized she was waiting for him to say something. "They are Willow sized," Xander said, "they'll get bigger when we're older."

Willow considered that. "Do you wanna feel them?" she asked nervously, wanting to make sure he still liked them even if they were small boobies. He was a boy and boys liked boobies so if he liked her then he must like her boobies, she thought, satisfied with the logic of it.

"Of course I do," Xander said, making her blush hard enough she was sure it was visible in the dark.

Her breath caught as his arms reached out, but instead of sliding his hands under her shirt like she expected, he simply pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. "I thought you were going to feel them."

"I can feel them just fine," Xander told her, "they're pressed against me."

"I meant with your hands," Willow explained.

"We can play Doctor anytime," Xander said, "Right now I wanna cuddle and sleep with you."

"Playing doctor has stuff like that in it?" Willow asked curiously.

"That's mostly what playing Doctor is about," Xander replied.

"So… We're doing it wrong?" Willow asked slowly.

"We're doing it our way," Xander decided. "Our way got us cards that say we know how to do first aid, all they get is to tickle each other and in trouble with their parents if they get caught."

"Oh," Willow said. After a few seconds silence she said, "I like our way."

"So do I," Xander answered her, getting a big squeeze in return. "Night Willow."

"Night Xander," she said, a smile on her face.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"More beef stroganoff?" Jesse asked as Xander and Willow laid out breakfast.

"We made a lot," Willow said.

"Don't knock the stroganoff," Sharon said, "this stuff is great!" She smiled brightly.

"Hey, you rhymed!" Jesse said, causing some laughter. "I'm not knocking it, I'm just surprised," he said, "I figured Willow would be gung ho about the whole food chain thing."

"We are higher on the food chain than stroganoff, bro," Xander assured him with a grin as the girls giggled.

Jesse frowned and puzzled out what he'd said wrong. "I meant pyramid."

"We are all getting some fruit too," Willow said, "and milk."

"Works for me," Jesse said and settled down to eat.

After a few minutes, Sharon asked, "So what are we doing today? Cause I don't have anything planned and Jessie is usually busy with you guys in the mornings."

"We are buying blood from the butcher shop to finish the wardrobe we built," Xander said.

"I don't think you need blood to make furniture," Sharon said, "Unless you need it to stain the wood?"

"It's magic," Willow said.

"Magic's not real," Sharon said.

"That's what I thought too," Willow agreed, "but it turns out the adults are just hiding it for some reason."

"Really?" she asked, turning to Jesse.

Jesse swallowed his food. "Yup, and it's more complicated than math," he complained.

"If it was easy everyone would be doing it," Xander said. "Willow looks up a lot of words and they aren't even in English."

"Yup," Willow said proudly.

"Cool," Sharon said, before finishing off her bowl and accepting an orange from Willow.

"We'll take the bus to the butcher's shop to get the blood, then Xander will finish the wardrobe and we'll see if the magic worked or not," Jesse said. "It's going to be a lot of fun."

"I don't have any money on me," Sharon admitted, looking down at her orange while she peeled it.

"It's okay, we have more than enough money," Willow assured her.

"How much blood do we need?" Jesse asked.

"About a gallon, but if it's cheap enough I say we each grab a gallon," Xander said. "There is… some stuff about blood nails, and it takes a lot of blood to get enough iron to make them."

"There's a disease where people get too much iron in their blood and they have to have doctors take their blood regularly so it doesn't build up too much," Willow said. "Let me go check!" she hopped up and darted out of the dining room before anyone could say anything.

"Why are you making nails out of blood?" Sharon asked.

"There are some designs that mentioned them," Xander said. "Haven't managed to figure most of it out, but the nails sounded cool."

"And Max pays a lot for furniture made in the old ways," Jesse said with a grin.

"We sell the furniture we make to Max," Xander explained.

"The store isn't doing bad either," Jesse said, "though I think most of the profit is going into books."

Xander shrugged. "All the bins of stuff are getting filled, so I haven't really paid attention."

"Wills is doing pretty good," Jesse said, "even with the stuff we use, she's getting lots."

"I found it!" Willow announced as she returned with a heavy medical encyclopedia. "Hemochromatosis causes your body to absorb too much iron, storing excess in the liver, heart, and pancreas. They regularly have to donate blood and have between five to twenty times the amount of iron a normal person has."

"So they probably go to the hospital to have their blood drained regularly," Xander said. "If we had a way to get their blood, it'd be a lot easier to make nails. As is, I need about a gallon a nail which is about all the blood most people have."

"Cows are a lot bigger than people," Jesse said, "so if the butcher thing works out we'll be set."

"So one gallon of blood for the wardrobe and one for a nail?" Willow asked as she finished her breakfast.

"Most pieces of furniture need over a dozen nails," Xander pointed out, getting up to put his bowl in the sink.

"That's a lot of blood and it's going to be heavy too," Jesse said with a frown, "and I can't drive during the day until late. How long is the butcher shop open till?"

"No idea," Xander said, "We'll have to ask.

"I wanna know how you are going to turn blood into nails," Sharon said, following Xander's example and placing her bowl in the sink.

"Boil it until it's a goop, burn the goop until its ash, use water to clean off the not iron stuff, then melt it," Xander said. "The instructions are weird and hard to figure out, but they have pictures. Anyway we'll just get a gallon apiece to start so I can try it out."

"Hope the butcher has a lot of blood on hand," Willow said as she and Xander started cleaning up.

 **Sol and Saul's Butcher Shop**

The four preteens stepped up to the counter and the broad shouldered old man who ran the place, arms bulging with muscles, leaned on the counter. "What can I do for you?" he asked.

"Do you sell blood?" Xander asked.

"Beef blood is ten a quart," the man replied automatically.

Xander smiled. "Great, we need four gallons."

"It's forty a gallon, so that'd come to a hundred and sixty dollars," the man replied, running a hand across his bald head as he tried to hide his surprise.

"That's fine," Xander said as Willow took a bundle of bills out of her pocket.

"Is it kosher?" Willow asked.

The old man chuckled. "Blood is never kosher, but it is all beef, not a trace of pig or rabbit," he assured her.

Willow nodded and paid the man. "No tax?"

"Not on blood," he assured her before going into the back and coming out with two bags and setting them on the counter to go into the back and retrieve two more.

Xander looked in one of the bags. "Four, one-quart containers, kinda like milk."

"Do you make deliveries and how late are you open?" Jesse asked.

"The front of the shop closes at eight, but we sell out the back until one AM," the butcher replied. "We do free deliveries on orders of over two hundred dollars, otherwise we charge a ten percent surcharge."

"How much blood can we order at once?" Xander asked.

"Most people only order a quart every other day at most, with a gallon or more being used for parties," he said thoughtfully. "We keep about twenty gallons on hand, but if you are making large orders it's best to call a week in advance so we don't run short for our regulars."

"Thanks," Xander said as the four each took a bag.

"It's no problem, have a nice day," the butcher said cheerfully.

"I'm hungry," Jesse told Willow.

"Wait until we're at work," Willow said, knowing he was about to go into his starving spiel to try and get them to stop at the ice cream shop since he always did this. "At least there, we can hose you off."

Jesse grinned, having always taken perverse pleasure in being extra messy with his ice cream as it drove Willow nuts.

Xander rolled his eyes but couldn't stop himself from grinning. "We can come back later," he said, thinking of the ice cream shop, "I wanna finish what we're working on first."

"Right," Jesse said excitedly as the thought of going to Narnia pushed aside his desire for ice cream. "Is a gallon enough?" he asked, knowing Xander had been guessing on how much they needed for the spell.

"If not I'll share some of mine," Xander promised, figuring two and a half gallons would make enough nails for a small chest if he did it right, and they could always buy more.

"Cool, let's hurry!"

Saul watched the 'children' depart as his partner Sol came out of the back room.

"That was a large order, some group planning a huge party?" Sol asked, cleaning blood off his hands with a rag.

"No, just some big eaters," he replied. "How they're going to drink a gallon apiece I don't know and one wasn't sure even that would be enough."

Sal chuckled. "You see all types in this business, now help me get the steaks ready for the delivery to the Kendalls."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"You work here?" Sharon asked while Xander took Willow's bag so she could unlock the office.

"It's not really working, it's fun!" Willow said as she opened the door to let everyone in.

"Eep!" Sharon jumped backwards and almost dropped her bag as she saw the 'statue'.

"I know, creepy isn't it?" Jesse said with a grin. "Don't know why the owner had a statue of a monster in mid yawn made, but we use it to hang our coats from."

"It's so lifelike," she said, examining it more closely.

"Do we need to refrigerate these?" Willow asked Xander, taking back her bag.

"Might as well," Xander replied, "there's lots of room in the fridge. I'll get started on the seal."

"Seal?" Sharon asked as she followed Jesse and Willow behind the counter and into a dinette off to the side.

"Like I said, magic is complicated," Jesse said. "Ya gotta figure out what to say and do, the instructions are rarely in English, and ya gotta make a complicated design in blood."

Willow set her empty bag on the counter and moved aside to let Jesse put his blood away. "It's not that bad, but the book Xander is working with is German so we have to translate it first. The Germans have a lot of oddly specific words too."

"Let me take that," Jesse said, passing the empty bag to Willow and taking Sharon's bag.

"Do you guys know a lot of magic?" Sharon asked.

"Nuh uh," Willow said, shaking her head. "We haven't gotten any simple books in, they're all complicated and/or stuff we don't want to do so far."

"Speak for yourself, I think cursing Cordelia would be a great idea," Jesse said, before closing the fridge and handing her the empty bag.

"No cursing people," Willow said, "not even her."

"The only thing we've found that we can all agree on is making a cabinet to Narnia," Jesse said.

"So how do you know magic exists?" she asked as they walked through the office and into the warehouse. She looked around curiously, her attention drawn to rows of shelves filled with containers and little measurement spoons hanging by them.

"Because monsters exist and that's who I've been getting books on magic from," Willow said as they watched Xander slowly pour blood into wooden channels cut into a thick sheet of plywood.

A large wooden wardrobe stood in the clear spot in the center of the carved design. The wardrobe was around six feet tall and a little over three feet wide, each side a slightly different color from the different woods used in its construction. Lines of carefully carved runes surrounded the base and the top of the curious looking cabinet, though it was hard to see what they looked like since were liberally coated in blood.

"It only took a quart and a half," Xander said as he finished up and rechecked his work.

"So, we're doing this?" Jesse asked excitedly.

"We're doing this," Xander said with a grin. "Grab the candles."

"Yes!" Jesse cheered and hurried over to where the tools and piles of wood they'd scavenged were. He dug among the piles and came up with a box. "Got the candles, who has the lighter?"

"I knew we forgot something," Xander said as they checked their pockets and came up empty.

"I got one," Sharon said, pulling a disposable lighter from her pocket.

"Why do you have a lighter?" Willow asked.

"I brought some left over fireworks from the fourth of July," she replied proudly, patting her backpack.

"We could fire them off in the wrecking yard!" Xander said excitedly.

"Let's go!" Jesse said, dropping the box of candles by the empty blood container.

The four kids rushed outside, leaving the blood to soak into the wood.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Giles, Ethan, and their group did demon summoning on purpose for a high. I'd hate to imagine what four kids attempting to open a dimensional rift to another plane of existence when they're so dimensionally close to hell and have no idea what they're doing will accomplish…**


	40. Dress For Success

**Dress For Success**

John found himself standing in the middle of Central Park. "Did I just have a blackout or something?" he asked aloud, looking around and trying to figure out what was going on.

The park was filled with your average mid-morning crowd and none of them were looking at him strangely, so he guessed nothing strange had herald his arrival and since none of them were looking around in confusion, whatever had happened had just happened to him.

The fact that he could suddenly feel his own biology down to the last microbe when he wondered if he'd taken a blow to the head and gotten amnesia, hinted at something else going on.

He walked over to a tree and took a seat, leaning his back against it as he took stock of his situation. 'Stay calm, don't draw attention to yourself, you are suddenly in a strange place with no memory of how you got there and you've suddenly got superpowers.' He ignored the sudden knowledge of the tree he was leaning against.

A quick mental check showed he hadn't been gifted with a great deal of medical knowledge to go with it so while he could make changes to biological systems he had no real idea what those changes would do beyond the obvious, which was both good and bad. On the one hand, that meant he couldn't start making changes to his biology to make himself Kryptonian or anything like that, but that also meant that if he had been waylaid by a Random Omnipotent Being for a Choose Your Own Adventure game to entertain him, he hadn't taken enough disadvantages to pay for it, so he probably wasn't being hunted by every villain organization in the world.

John took a few deep breaths and forced himself to relax. He made some subtle changes to his lungs, cleaning up years of damage and dumping the built up tar and assorted crap into his colon. Oxygen flooded his system with each breath, raising his energy levels and improving his mood. He was thankful for once that he was heavyset, as it gave him plenty of fat stores to use to fuel the changes, minor though they were. He touched up his joints while he smoothed out skin, absorbing scar tissue and getting rid of any discoloration. Replacing his teeth with a new set would have to wait as spitting out his old ones would likely draw attention.

"-and then Spiderman swooped in and webbed him to the wall of the alley," one jogger said to another as they jogged past.

John's eyes snapped open. He was in the Marvel Universe, which was loads better than being in Worm and probably a bit better than DC, possibly. Of course, he could have just heard a couple of people talking about a movie, but considering the situation, he doubted it. Now the question was, what should he do?

He wasn't sure which version of Marvel he was in or when, but he also wasn't sure that mattered as Marvel got rebooted more often than a PC loaded with Windows 95, not to mention the timeline was in constant flux. If he showed up at Xavier's school for gifted youngsters, he'd be taken in, no questions asked, out loud at least, but then he'd have to get involved in all the crap they went through and that would suck. Come to think of it, that pretty much described the situation with all the big name groups and heroes that had their own comics. Did he want to get involved in all of that? Hell no! What he wanted was a nice quiet life that would bore whoever had dropped him here.

Really, just having a roof over his head and enough food to eat without having to spend all his time working was a perfect life for him, but how to go about setting up something like that was the question? Well, one problem at a time. He checked his pockets and found them empty, even the ones in his jacket. He guessed he should be glad he'd been given his glasses and his comfortable black jacket from his security job, as he didn't want to have to screw with his eyes without knowing what he was doing and upping his metabolism to keep warm would cost him some serious calories that he couldn't afford to spend until he had some money coming in to buy food.

'Where can a homeless person with powers go?' He thought to himself before the answer hit him. He was in New York, the Marvel Universe. With any luck the Morlocks were still running around and hadn't been wiped out.

John got up and walked out of the park, looking for the New York public library. Poking around back alleys was just an award winning Darwin move in this universe, so looking up where the closed down subway lines and old civilian Fallout shelters were was his best bet for finding them.

"Wish I had my cell phone," he muttered as he tried to puzzle out where to go.

 **Two Hours Later**

John sighed as he left the library. It'd taken him far too long to find the library and then he found out that the place he was looking for was only half a block from the park.

Still, it was progress and he had gotten a chance to look over the papers for the last couple of months and confirmed he was in Marvel and so it was likely the Morlocks were still around.

"-the only good mutie is a dead mutie," a cabbie said to another as they waited for their fares.

"What if the mutie's powers was the ability to remove mutie powers?" John said without thinking about it, before cursing the fact that his mouth worked faster than his brain.

"What?" the large black cabbie asked, preparing to take offense.

"I'm saying the whole mutant thing is a huge crapshoot," John said, trying to calm him down. "Met a kid in Connecticut who worked as a florist, his power was the ability to change the color of flowers. Not everyone is going to be able to shoot fire out their ass, so what would your opinion be of a mutant who could remove powers from those who didn't want to be mutants? It's a recessive trait so you never know where it's going to show up."

"Seriously?" the other cabbie, a smaller Italian man, asked.

"Yeah, and even if both parents have the recessive X-gene, the kid may not trigger. Usually it takes some heavy shit going down to set it off."

"Huh," the first cabbie said, considering the matter. "You don't never hear about those, just the assholes who tear up the place. Guess he wouldn't be too bad, neither is the guy who can change flowers, but the ones blowing up people's shit have got to go!"

John was surprised the guy had listened and nodded. "Yeah, you never hear about the people who aren't starting shit because they aren't starting shit. The world is a big place."

"Ain't that the truth," the large man nodded. "I'm just pissed because some freak- err asshole caused an explosion and it fucked up my knee and back."

"Let me see your hand," John said, offering his hand.

He cautiously extended his hand and John took it, the knowledge of the man's biology appearing in his brain.

"How's the knee?" John asked as he soothed inflamed tissue and rebuilt cartilage in the man's right knee, mirroring his left.

The man cautiously rested a little more weight on it and began to smile in relief. "The pain's gone," he almost whispered.

"Now, let's look at the back," John said, realigning vertebrae and repairing ruptured discs, using his own for a base.

"Fuck me," the man said, eyes wide, "it's healed!"

"Doc been complaining about your blood pressure?" John asked, cleaning the guy's veins and arteries, duping the fat in his colon.

"Hypertension, runs in the family," the man said.

"They're clean now, but your next shit is going to have a lot of fat in it," John said, releasing his hand.

"Why?" the man asked, confused.

"I dumped the cholesterol that was clogging your arteries in it, fastest way to fix the problem," John explained.

"No, I mean why help me?" he said. "I was just raggin' on mutants."

John shrugged. "Because your problem isn't really mutants, it's when assholes have power and not everyone is an asshole."

"Could you really fix a mutant?" the other cabbie asked quietly, having stayed quiet the entire time.

"Unless he's turned into metal or something that isn't organic," John said, "but they have to want it, I'm not going to change people against their will."

"I got a nephew," the man said cautiously. "What would it cost me?"

John shrugged. "How about I fix him first and then you pay whatever you feel comfortable with? I won't turn down money cause I'm broke, but I ain't doing this to make a buck."

"Seriously?" he asked, hopefully.

"Seriously," John assured him. "I'd do it for free. I'm not an asshole with powers, I'm just a normal guy. If you were given powers like this, I'm sure you'd do the same."

"I hope I would," the man said. "How do we do this?"

"Take me to him," John said, "I'll do it right now."

"Lance, I'll catch you later," the smaller man said.

"No problem Bob, sorry about the mutant shit I was spinning, I didn't know," Lance apologized.

"I know you were just blowing off steam man, don't sweat it," he assured him and hustled John into the back of his cab before quickly driving off.

"So, what's his power?" John asked. "Some are easier to remove and he's going to want to eat a big meal afterwards to replace the calories he's burning off with the change."

"He glows," Bob said. "He has to hide out in the house unless it's a bright sunny day and even then he has to stay outdoors to avoid being outed, you know? We've had to homeschool him for his own safety."

"That should be easy to fix," John said, relieved. "If he was growing feathers or something, it'd be harder."

"Thanks man, I can't tell you how much this means to me," Bob said. "He was supposed to be starting high school last month before this all happened and he's getting really withdrawn, now all he does is play video games and argue on the internet."

John laughed. "I can fix the glowing, you're on your own for the video games and arguing on the net."

Bob laughed and pulled in front of a brownstone on the edge of Hell's Kitchen. "I'm hoping that will solve itself as he gets out and meets girls."

"That usually does it," John lied, hopping out of the cab and following John up into the large building.

They climbed the stairs to the third floor as the elevator was out of order.

Bob opened the door and ushered him inside while calling out, "Shelia, we got a visitor!"

A chubby Italian woman poked her head out of the kitchen. "Bob? What are you doing here? Your shift isn't over for another four hours and Nathan is still feeling under the weather, we don't want anyone catching the flu."

"Sis, this is…" Bob smacked himself in the head. "I never even asked your name."

"It's John," John said, amused. "I'm here to help Nathan," he told Shelia.

"What?" she asked, confused and a little afraid.

"He can remove powers," Bob told his sister. "Remember how Lance was caught in that explosion recently? He fixed him in about a minute."

"You can help my baby?" she asked hopefully.

"That's why I'm here," John assured her. "I'll hold his hand and remove his power if he wants me to."

"How much will it cost?" she asked nervously. "We aren't a rich family."

"I don't charge and it's not a big deal," John assured her. "Anyone who ended up with powers like mine would do the same."

"This way," Bob said with a grin and a bounce in his step. "Hey Nathan, you got company!" he called out as they walked down the hall. He turned back to John. "It's always best not to bust into a teenage boy's room unannounced when he has an internet connection," he warned.

"Understandable," John said, amused.

Bob knocked on a bedroom door. "We're coming in," he called out, before opening the door and revealing a typical teen boy's room with pictures of athletes on the walls, comics scattered about, and a depressed looking teen, face covered in acne, his skin glowing a light blue, sitting in front of a computer playing a first person shooter.

"Uncle Bob?" Nathan asked nervously as his eyes darted over to John.

"Relax, Nate," Bob said, "John is here to fix the whole glowing problem."

Nathan looked even more nervous. "Fix as in…"

"I can turn off the genes that make you glow," John assured him. "I'm assuming you want to be normal, right? I won't do it if you don't want me to."

"Yes, I want you to!" Nathan exclaimed before calming down. "Sorry, but I've heard some stories of kids who… vanished, when their folks find out what they were."

"Relax, buddy," Bob said, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "You're family, family don't hurt family."

John offered a hand and Nathan took it.

"You aren't a mutant," John said as the glow snapped off and he released his hand. "Were you playing down near the sewers or something before all this happened?"

"Yeah," Nathan agreed as he looked at his non-glowing skin in wonder.

"You got a phosphorous fungal infection," John said. "You probably scraped your skin and it got under it and spread. Now, let's fix that acne." John placed a finger on his forehead and his skin cleaned up. "I also got rid of your athlete's foot problem."

Nathan jumped up and rushed to the bathroom to find a mirror.

"Kid doesn't wash or change his clothes enough," John told a grinning Bob, "but that's teenage boys for you."

"I'm cured!" Nathan yelled from the bathroom.

"Mama is going to be so relieved," Shelia said, "she's probably down at the church praying for him right now." She'd entered while they were distracted.

"I don't know how we can repay you," Bob said. "We were going nuts here."

"I need a ride down to about a block from Central Park," John replied, "if you don't mind."

"Storm drain entrance near the old Chinese food place?" Bob asked with a grin.

John was caught flat footed. "How did you know?"

"I did a lot of asking around and searching for ways to help Nate," Bob replied. "Met a guy named Erg."

"Spiky hair and eye patch?" John asked hopefully.

"That's the one," Bob agreed. "He said if Nathan couldn't make it up here, they'd have a place for him below."

"Looks like we were the answer to each others' problems," John said, "I was looking to meet up with them, but wasn't sure that was the right place."

"The Lord makes things happen," Shelia said with watery eyes. "Come eat, I have lunch ready."

 **After A Large Lunch and a Cab Ride**

"Hey man, I can't thank you enough for what you did for my family," Bob said. "I know it turned out to be a lot less serious than we all thought it would be, but you were willing to help if it wasn't. You ever need something, come find me, okay?"

"I'll remember," John promised, knowing that turning down a favor for helping his family would be an insult, "but helping me find my people was a pretty good favor too, so thanks."

"Anytime," Bob said as John got out of the cab. "Just wait behind the restaurant, someone will show up."

John nodded and entered the alley, finding a place to sit on an old milk crate to wait for one of the Morlocks to show up.

A cat poked its head from between a couple of trash bags and examined him closely before cautiously approaching. John held out his hand for it to sniff and after a few seconds it decided he smelled okay because it moved closer so he could pet it. He stroked the cat who hopped up onto his lap and made itself at home. The cat's biology was just as complex as a human's and he spotted some old injuries as he read its DNA.

"Today has been a weird day," he explained to the black and white tomcat. "I wake up in the park with powers, but no idea how I got there. Still, the people are friendly and I got a good meal out of it. Speaking of which, it looks like you could use one as well." He took a bag out of his jacket and pulled out a chicken leg. "Here you go."

The cat pounced on the chicken, purring loudly.

"You just love me for my chicken," John accused with a grin as he took the opportunity to regrow his teeth, pulling out the old ones one by one as he regrew new ones in their place, ones without fillings.

"Who are you and what are you doing?"

John looked up and saw a man with spiked gray hair in a Mohawk and a patch covering one eye. He dropped a molar on the small pile of teeth. "I'm John, I'm growing new teeth. It's cheaper than going to a dentist, but a lot more energy intensive than following a good oral hygiene regiment. And you are?"

"Erg," the man replied, "but from your lack of surprise, I'm guessing you knew that already. Mutant?"

"Biokinetic," John replied. "I'm a bit homeless and jobless, so I was looking for people like myself in a similar situation."

"Well, you found them," Erg said. "Can you do anything besides teeth? Though if you can do that for others, you'll be real popular below. We have a healer, but that really doesn't help with teeth since they don't regrow on their own."

"Sure," John said, getting to his feet, "I can fix just about any medical problem as long as it's organic."

"Then you'll definitely be popular," Erg said.

"Come on, I'll take you to our leader so she can vet you."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," John said as Erg opened the backdoor to the boarded-up restaurant.

"Hope you can see in the dark, I forgot my flashlight."

John's skin began to glow blue. "I think I'll manage."

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Kinda wondering how you would handle a Blacklight Runner now. They're biokinetics too, but with a few limitations that I'm curious how you would get around.**

 **TN2: Humility is nice, but I disagree with the idea that any regular Jane or Joe would automatically be selfless with their powers. It's nice to think, but I'm more inclined to believe we can't know what a person would actually do with power until it's actually given to them. I imagine some would be inclined to be selfless, while some would be a-holes, and some would be selfish. After all, it's what we're already like with our abilities, considering we're already sitting at the top of our food chain. So those who are selfless, humility or not, are a bit more special than they think. That's what I believe anyway.**

 **AN: I doubt my SI will manage to get that boring life he is looking for, but then I am stubborn.**


	41. Dress For Success 2

"Almost there," Erg said as they climbed down a series of rungs made of rebar driven into the concrete wall.

"If we're going in circles to confuse me you can stop, I was confused to begin with," John said, getting a laugh out of his mutant guide.

"We passed through a couple of areas that would fry any electronic bugs or trackers you might have on you," Erg explained. "It's just a safety precaution."

"I wouldn't think anything like that would work down here anyway," John replied.

"If they did, they'd have to be really sensitive, so we had to detour past some unshielded sections of the electrical grid to make sure," Erg replied. "Also, I needed to charge up."

"Makes sense," John said as they reached the bottom of the ventilation shaft.

Erg opened a steel door and lead him into an unused subway tunnel. There were half a dozen subway cars, their windows blocked with cardboard or newspaper and various tents scattered about providing housing for the residents and it was surprisingly clean. There were half a dozen unique looking people dressed in heavily patched and worn clothing scattered about doing various things, most of them children.

"And here we are, home sweet home," Erg said cheerfully.

"Looks better than I was expecting," John admitted, surprised.

"What were you expecting?" Erg asked.

"A bunch of people packed into an old World War II fallout shelter," John replied, the glow snapping off. "It would seem to be the most secure place available."

"Callisto moved us out of that," Erg said, "too cramped and not enough exits." He led John to an old subway car that resembled a caboose in the middle of the tunnel and knocked on the door.

"Enter," a female voice called out.

Erg opened the door and lead John into what was obviously a small office, probably used by one of the early conductors during the early nineteen hundreds from the look of it, though the lights had been replaced with a bank of fluorescent tubes and the green metal filing cabinets were probably from a government office somewhere.

Callisto leaned back in her chair and looked him over. She was a thin muscular woman with pale white skin and short black hair. Her right eye was covered by an eye patch and a couple of scars peeked out of the tattered black half shirt she was wearing.

"I'm Callisto, the leader of our community," she said, "welcome to sanctuary. Most of the people down here are hiding from the world because they can't fit in. You look like you could blend in with any normal suburbanite. You have a power that makes that difficult?" She leaned back in her chair and cleaned under her fingernails with a switchblade.

"No, I've got a great power," John said, "but I've got no job, home, or identity. I figured a place for people like myself was where I should go, so here I am."

Callisto nodded. "And what's your power?"

"I'm a biokinetic," John replied. "I can heal people."

Callisto nodded. "We've already got one healer, but another is always welcome as long as they pull their weight and help out in the community. We work together here, so expect to spend some time doing menial labor like everyone else."

"What kind of menial labor?" John asked curiously.

"Cleaning, unclogging the toilet, stealing toilet paper from public bathrooms," Erg replied. "We always need more toilet paper."

"I can make toilet paper," John said.

"I thought you were a healer," Callisto said.

"I'm a biokinetic," John said, "I can manipulate organic material. Healing is just a small part of that. Give me a two by four and I can turn it into a large stack of toilet paper. I mentioned healer specifically because it's what most people need. I could regrow your eye in about five seconds."

"You can replace body parts?" Callisto asked carefully.

"Or give them ones they didn't have originally," John said. "If you'd been born without legs I could give you a pair, I just have to model them after someone else's."

"That's quite a bit more than simple healing," Callisto said.

John shrugged. "I never said I was a simple healer."

"Could you make people look normal?" Callisto asked. "We've got some community members would dearly love to be able to blend in so they can actually go above without causing a panic."

"I should be able to, I'll just need to touch someone normal looking so I know what to base their looks on," John explained.

"Why come down here?" Callisto asked. "With a power like that you could have walked into the Avengers' mansion and had them throwing money at you."

"And then I'd have to deal with all their drama," John said, shaking his head. "I don't want all that, no matter how comfortable it would be. I'm not saying I wouldn't help them if they needed me, but I don't want that kind of life."

"Sensible," Callisto said, sounding a bit surprised.

"I wonder if he could fix Masque," Erg said thoughtfully.

"Masque?" John asked.

"He's a mutant with the ability to alter the way people look," Callisto explained. "He was born horribly deformed but his powers don't work on himself, so he's a bit bitter about it."

"That's… putting it mildly," Erg said, thinking it was about the greatest understatement he'd heard in his life.

John offered his hand to Callisto and she looked at it.

"Depth perception is a wonderful thing," John said.

Callisto chuckled and grabbed his hand, her grip startlingly strong for a slender woman.

John noted the multitude of scars as well as the way her mutation had altered her body, heightening her senses, enhancing her strength and reflexes as well as some facet of her mental processes. As mutant abilities went, it was fairly tame but quite well rounded.

He leached off some of his excess weight and fed it into her body as he worked, smoothing out old scars while rebuilding her eye, mirroring the left one. While he was doing that he altered his own body to copy the changes in hers. "Done," he said, releasing her hand as he blinked and tried to adjust to the way everything was so bright and loud.

Callisto took off her eye patch and looked around with a slowly growing smile.

"You okay?" Erg asked while Callisto was distracted.

"Boosted my senses," John replied, "this may take a minute to get used to."

"What did you do that for?" Erg asked.

"It looked useful," John said as he suddenly adapted to the enhanced input of his senses, the small section of his brain he'd altered becoming very active for a few moments.

"You can alter yourself to copy mutant abilities," Callisto said, her dark eyes focusing on him.

"Biokinetic," John reminded her. "I'd be stupid not to use it on myself."

"And if you were just seeking power, you'd have pretended to be a fan and asked to shake the hand of various Avengers during one of their public meet ups," she reasoned.

"Not real interested in becoming all powerful, but enough strength and speed to protect myself would be nice," he replied honestly.

Callisto nodded and settled back behind her desk. "Welcome to Sanctuary. Erg, give him the nickel tour, let him know the chore rotation, and introduce him to Masque. If we can get Masque on board with making people look more normal, it'll improve things around here."

"I'm on it," Erg said, leading John back out into the station. He waved towards the platform. "Bathrooms are up there, use the appropriate one and try to keep them clean. If you want a shower, we've also put one inside each bathroom, but there isn't a lot of privacy. Communal supplies, toilet paper, and the like, are inside the ticket booth."

John nodded.

"The newspaper stand is filled with old clothes, we raid the donation drop offs of some thrift stores for those, that's also one of the chores. We go for serviceable or warm clothes over stylish," he explained. "Not that we don't have some upscale stuff, but that's for when one of the more normal looking people have to blend in somewhere to try and make some money."

"Like your healer?" John asked. "That's a good power for making money, if you're careful about it."

"Our healer can only heal mutants," Erg said. "Hey, Doug!" he called out and a thin man with dirty blond hair, wearing a tattered white doctor's coat came over.

"New resident?" Doug asked, offering his hand.

John shook Doug's hand, finding the older man had some age related aches and pains while he parsed the way his power worked. "Nice to meet you," John replied. "Want me to heal you?"

"There's not a lot to heal," Doug replied, "just age catching up with me."

"I'll take that as a yes," John replied and started removing the obvious signs of aging while increasing bone and tissue density, a task made easier as his power figured out how Doug's mutant power worked, based as it was on reading a person's DNA.

Doug took back his hand once John had released it and examined it with a smile as he saw that the skin looked smoother and younger. He ran his fingers through his now thicker hair and laughed. "Amazing."

Erg grinned. "We gotta get you a name."

"Name?" John asked, though he was sure he knew what he was talking about.

"We mostly go by our mutant names down here, Doug is called Healer for instance," he explained. "Not sure what yours would be. Fixer? Shifter? Miracle Worker?"

"Fixer is fine," John said, not wanting to get stuck with a name like Miracle Worker, which would make him a target.

"Fixer it is," Erg said. "Let's see if you can fix Masque."

"Good luck with that," Healer said, shaking his head. "If you can help him, you really will be a miracle worker."

"As long as he's organic it should be easy," John replied.

"This way," Erg said.

John followed him as he pointed out various points of interest as they continued down to the station until they reached an old-fashioned canvas tent almost the size of one of the train cars.

Erg rang a bell hanging from the entrance. "He doesn't go out much, for reasons that'll be obvious."

The tent's cloth door was pushed aside and a man in a red monk's robe with the hood up, hiding his face came out. "What do you want?" he demanded.

"Masque, this is Fixer," Erg introduced him. "His power has a bit in common with yours."

"Really?" Masque asked intently. "How much?"

"I can alter you however you like," John said. "Not just flesh, also bone and muscle."

Masque pulled back his hood, revealing a twisted visage that held quite a bit scarring. "Can you fix this?!"

"Without a doubt," John said, offering his hand.

Masque grabbed his hand and John felt the fingers form themselves into a flipper under the other's power. "Fix me and I'll restore it, but if you're just screwing with me, I'll turn you into a living nightmare!" Masque threatened.

"Hey, take it down a notch, he's here to help," Erg said, unconsciously raising a hand to his eye patch as he pushed between the two.

"Relax," John told Erg, "He's probably dealt with a lot of people screwing him over because of his looks." His power had found Masque's easy to understand and it provided a myriad of shortcuts for how to mold living matter to whatever form he could clearly imagine.

"Or trying to kill the freak," Masque muttered angrily.

John held out his flipper. "I need skin to skin contact."

Masque nodded and grabbed his flipper.

John started with the slight hunch in Masque's back, allowing him to straighten up fully before he started working on the myriad of other physical deformities that were hidden beneath the angry mutant's robe. Masque let out a relieved sigh as pains he'd long since even noticed existed, faded away.

John felt his hand reform as he worked, Masque gaining enough hope to extend a sliver of trust in the new Morlock. "Who do you want to look like or should I just go for male model handsome?"

"I'd settle for someone people won't throw bricks at when they see me," Masque said.

"Alright," John said, shifting Masque's face into a copy of his own as a place holder until they could figure out what he would like.

"Is it done?" Masque asked anxiously.

"Check a mirror," John suggested.

Masque ducked into his tent and returned with a hand mirror. Holding it up to his face, he frowned. "I said a face that wouldn't get bricks thrown at me!"

John looked stunned for a second before Masque burst out laughing and he couldn't help but join him.

"I can walk out in public, I could get a drink at a bar, I could get laid!" Masque enthused, tears running down his face.

"So, Brad Pitt with more muscles?" John asked.

"What?" Masque asked.

"If you want to go bar hopping, let me give you a leg up on the competition," John said, offering his hand.

Masque took his hand and he grew slightly taller, his form filling out and his face altering to becoming movie star handsome.

John's pants fell down and he let go of Masque's hand to bend down and retrieve them. "Oops, used a bit too much of my fat stores."

"Are you going to be okay?" Erg asked.

"Yeah, I just gotta eat more or I could just wear different clothes. I was thinking about making some major changes to my appearance anyway," he tightened his belt so his pants wouldn't fall again.

"Your power works on yourself?" Masque asked in disbelief. "You got lucky."

"And that luck is now rubbing off on you," John replied.

"Good point," Masque said with a smile that lit up the tunnel.

"Damn," Erg said, "I don't look half that good."

"You are a miracle worker," Masque said.

John winced. "Fixer, I'm a Fixer," he said quickly. The last thing he needed was for people to be talking about how amazing he was, it would attract attention.

"You are far too modest," Masque said, running his fingers over his features, overjoyed to feel smooth flesh.

"I want a nice quiet life," John explained. "If people start talking me up, someone will show up to screw that up."

Masque shrugged. "Well, to each his own. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab a shower, clothes, and see if I can talk a woman into bed." He vanished back into his tent to gather his things.

"He's never been that nice," Erg said, "though he had some good reasons for his attitude. Come on, let's introduce you to some of the others."

"Sure," John said, "It'll be nice to meet some more people. Will Masque be okay going off on his own?"

"He'll be fine," Erg waved it off, "he's been out before on his own and this time he's not likely to be attacked, so what's the worst that could happen?"

John stumbled. "I am so glad I included strength and healing in his upgrade," he muttered.

"What?" Erg asked.

"Nothing," John waved it off. "Let's go meet some new people."

He was sure something was going to happen to Masque now, but that was something to deal with later. For now it was time to meet new people and expand his medical database. Let future John deal with the fallout.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Well crap. With his luck, Masque's gonna end up picking up Mystique, who's going to be oh so intrigued once Masque's alcohol loosened tongue starts wagging about the 'Miracle worker'… Never split the party and never taunt Murphy, for there lies ancient Chinese curses about forever living in interesting times…**


	42. Turnstile Jumper 4

**Turnstile Jumper 4**

 **Previous chapters YSEMF021, YSEMF028, YSEMF035**

Harry spread his arms and waited patiently for the woman to finish measuring him.

"First time going to Hogwarts?" a young red haired girl asked.

"Nah, this is my second run through," Harry replied, "had so much fun the first time I decided to do it again."

She laughed. "Yeah, stupid question," she admitted, "good come back though." She offered her hand. "Susan Bones."

Harry shook her hand, ignoring the seamstress accidentally poking him with a needle. "Harry Potter."

"Really?" she asked wide eyed, her eyes darting up to his forehead.

"Actually it's Kenny McCormick, but I decided to go by Harry Potter so I wouldn't confuse anyone."

Susan grinned. "You are quick."

"I tend to get asked the same questions a lot," Harry replied.

"Well, you are famous," she pointed out.

"In a weird way," Harry agreed.

"Weird?" she asked curiously, as they finished their fitting.

"Well, I'm famous for something I likely had nothing to do with. I only found out why people in robes were coming up to me in the street and shaking my hand last night."

"What?" she asked confused.

"I was raised in the muggle world, I didn't even know magic was real until I got my letter," Harry explained.

"Oh," Susan said. "I didn't know that. What makes you think you had nothing to do with it?"

"What's more likely, that I am special in some way or that my parents, who were top of their class in Hogwarts, had prepared something?" Harry asked.

"That does make more sense," Susan admitted.

"Ready to go?" a woman in a red robe asked Susan.

"Yeah," Susan replied before turning back to Harry. "It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you too," Harry replied. "See you at Hogwarts," he added as the two left.

"Your clothes should be ready in an hour," the seamstress said, "you can pick them up anywhere from eleven to eight when we close."

"Thanks," Harry said, grabbing his bag and quickly leaving before they could change their mind and stick more pins in him.

Hagrid met him outside with a pair of ice cream cones, passing one to Harry. "Thought you might like a snack."

"I'll never say no to ice cream," Harry agreed with a grin. One good thing about being Harry Potter was the food, he decided. As Kenny he'd grown up on the edge of starvation, relying on free school lunches for the majority of his diet and passing what little he got at home to his younger sister, while here he had already eaten more in a day than he usually got in a week as Kenny.

It took about a minute for the two to finish their ice cream as Harry scarffed his down and Hagrid's larger size made his just a light snack.

"Where to next?" Harry asked.

"We should probably hold off on getting your trunk till last," Hagrid said thoughtfully, "but an expanded bag to carry your purchases wouldn't be a bad idea, ya need a book bag for school anyway."

"And Re'em blood," Harry quietly reminded him.

Hagrid glanced around to make sure no one had overheard. "Yeah, and that. In fact… pretty sure she sells some good sized bags as well." He waved for Harry to follow and headed down the alley, the crowd parting before his bulk.

Harry perked up and hurried after him not wanting to get separated, thankful he was very hard to lose as Hagrid was eight and a half feet tall, towering over the crowd.

Just inside Knockturn Alley they ducked into an actual alley and went behind the shop, a dozen steps in they stopped at the back door of a brick building and Hagrid knocked on the door three times and waited for a few seconds before knocking twice more.

The door opened and an old black woman in a blue moo-moo wearing a plethora of jewelry including a silver tiara to hold back a massive amount of white hair, greeted Hagrid with a wide smile. "Hagrid," she said, stepping back and waving him inside, "I was wondering if I'd see you today."

"Nice to see you too," Hagrid said cheerfully as he ducked down slightly to enter. "Thought I might stop by and buy a bag for young Harry as well as… a little something to help with his stunted growth."

"Madame Tremere," she introduced herself holding out a hand palm down.

Harry recognized his cue and took her hand, bending down to brush his lips against her knuckles. "Harry Potter, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"A young man with manners," she said, "so rare these days."

Hagrid's stomach grumbled loudly and he looked embarrassed. "Um..."

"You know where it is," she said waving for the half giant to go. She turned to Harry. "So, what has caused you to seek out one such as I?"

"I need Re'em blood and a bag that can hold a lot of stuff, preferably without anyone being able to tell," Harry said, thinking about his Mysterion outfit, which he had in a bag by his side.

"Re'em's blood and a smuggler's bag," she said. "Not something I'd expect The Boy Who Lived to request."

"I'm a half starved orphan with malnutrition, everything you've heard about me is horseshit," Harry said honestly.

"Crude, but accurate," Madame Tremere decided after a moment's thought.

"Any suggestions for a boy who is walking into a warzone?" Harry asked.

"Pickled murlap," she replied. "Not the whole thing of course, but if you eat the sensory organ from its back, properly prepared, it'll protect against most low level curses."

"I'd like one of those as well then, thanks," Harry said.

"Are you sure? With just those three items we are looking at quite a sum," she advised him, "and I don't believe I'd describe Hogwarts as a warzone."

"For most people it's probably not," Harry agreed, "but since I'm going to be surrounded by the children of Death Eaters who blame me for not being kings, ruling all us peasants, I believe a little preparation is in order."

"I can see where that would be problematic," she conceded. "Very well, come up to the counter."

Harry followed her into the front of the shop which had a large variety of things for sale. He saw a pile of bags, an entire stack of paintings, display cases filled with jewelry, as well as a plethora of things he couldn't identify.

Madame Tremere returned with a jar filled with what looked like koosh balls floating in a green liquid, a dark leather bag with intricate celtic artwork done in red and green, and a small vial filled with liquid gold. "A hundred and sixteen galloens, seven sickles, and four knuts."

Harry nodded and counted out the proper amount knowing that without Hagrid's help it would probably have cost at least twice as much, if he could have found any at all. "What do I need to know?"

"Place a drop of your blood on the inside of the bag to attune it to you and activate its security features. You'll have two different spaces inside, one is your standard expanded space, the other is much larger and only the person keyed to the bag can open it. Choose which one you want when you open the bag."

"That's simple enough," Harry said as he examined the bag, it was basically a leather backpack with a wicked cool design that looked like roses done in celtic runes.

She opened the jar and handed Harry a pair of wooden tongs. "Just fish one out and swallow it, no need to chew."

Harry did as instructed surprised to find the rubber looking thing all but dissolved in his mouth, leaving the strong taste of pickle brine behind. "Tasted better than I thought," he admitted.

"Give it a minute to do its work before drinking the blood," Madame Tremere instructed while she put the jar away.

Harry waited but couldn't feel anything happening, though the taste of pickles was fading.

"Alright, it should have spread throughout your system by now," she said and gestured to the vial.

"Bottoms up," Harry said, pulling out the cork and tilting his head back. Despite the unique coloring it tasted like what it was, blood. He kept the vial upended over his mouth for several seconds to make sure he'd gotten it all before corking it and placing it on the counter.

"It's not an instant effect," she explained seeing he was waiting for something to happen, "you'll eat a lot more over the next week as it slowly takes effect."

"Makes sense," Harry said with a nod. "Have any portraits from Potters, Blacks, or Peverelles?" he asked waving towards the stack of paintings.

"I believe I may," Madame Tremere said, retrieving a ledger from beneath the counter and opening it up.

Harry wandered over to examine the paintings, finding them examining him in return as he looked them over. There were a number of paintings that held couples, and some that were done of fanciful creatures, as he knew mermaids did not look like these did in the Harry Potter universe.

The mermaid blew him a kiss and reached for the clasp on her clam shell bikini top...

"I have one Potter painting, subject unknown because the animation charms appear to have worn down and two Black portraits, one Edward Black and Phineas Black," she announced.

"How much for the paintings?" Harry asked.

"Two a galleon is standard," she replied, "they tend to pile up because no one wants them. I buy from bank sales and estate auctions, so most of it is from people who were cast out or the family died off, leaving no one to claim anything."

"Depending on how much space is in the bag, I might just help you clear out a section," Harry said. 'They may not be Jedi Holocrons, but they aren't far off.'

"Good thing I sold you the deluxe model then, isn't it?" Madame Tremere asked with a smile.

"Very good in this case," Harry agreed. "Now, how do I fit them in?"

"Got a specialized expansion on the openings," she explained, "even if it looks too big to fit, it will slide right in."

"How many do you have?" Harry asked as he tried to count the stack.

"Five hundred, give or take a few," she replied with a grin.

"Four a galleon for the lot?" Harry suggested.

"You really want to take all five hundred of them?" she asked in disbelief.

"If they'll fit," Harry agreed.

"Alright a hundred and a quarter for the lot of them," she said with a chuckle. "Start loading them up."

 **Ten minutes later**

"Sorry about that," Hagrid apologized, "I keep forgetting not to mix beer and ice cream."

"That's alright, we found a way to keep ourselves occupied," Madame Tremere said as Harry stacked a few books on the counter before vanishing back into the rows of second hand goods.

Hagrid took a quick glance at the books Harry was buying and found they were all pretty innocuous. It wasn't that he didn't trust Madame Tremere, but this was Knockturn Alley.

"This should be everything," Harry said, setting another half a dozen books on the counter.

She looked over the books. "On the house," she said. "I think I've made enough money off you today."

Harry laughed. "And it was money well spent as far as I'm concerned." He opened the 'empty' bag and slid the books inside a couple at a time.

"Already drunk… your potion?" Hagrid asked, trying to be subtle, and failing badly.

Harry nodded. "Also picked up a trunk I liked," he said gesturing to an ebony trunk with brass fittings. "It's got a built in dresser, bookcase and room to house a midget."

"Pardon?"

"It's one of those older pureblood trunks, it has room to take a house elf for when you travel," she explained. "I charged him five galleons, since they are considered old fashioned these days."

"Better than a new one," Hagrid said, knowing they'd charge near ten for a new student trunk and they were barely charmed at all. "Ready to get yer wand?"

"And lunch," Harry said, somehow managing to fit the trunk into his bag.

"That'd be the… potion," Hagrid said cheerfully. "More horse?"

"I'll take any meat available," Harry replied, "as long as there's a lot of it."

"Right ye are," Hagrid said, tapping his brow with a polite nod to Madame Tremere. Normally he wouldn't bother, but she liked to see good manners.

Harry copied him. "Thanks again, I really appreciate it," he said as they departed out the back.

"Not sure how long it'll take to match a wand to yer," Hagrid admitted as they rejoined the shopping crowd, "so we best get lunch first."

"Sounds good to me," Harry agreed, he was used to being hungry, but there was no use suffering when you didn't need to.

 **One immensely large lunch later**

"And this here is Ollivander's," Hagrid said as they approached the shop with a wand laying on a purple cushion in the window.

The bell rang as Hagrid opened the door and ushered the young boy inside.

"Mr. Potter," Ollivander greeted him from a corner of the room just out of sight of the door, making Harry jump even though he'd known the strange old man was going to do that.

"Mr. Ollivander," Harry replied, pretending he hadn't just been surprised. "I'm here for my wand, probably something in a phoenix feather." He really didn't want to spend all day searching for a wand when he already knew which one he was going to get.

"I'm afraid it's the wand that chooses the wizard Mr. Potter," Ollivander told him.

"Fine then an eleven inch holly wand with a phoenix feather is free to choose me," Harry replied. "Introduce us please."

Ollivander chuckled. "I do in fact have one like that, but I doubt it'll be that easy."

"Really?" Harry asked 'innocently'. "How about a little wager then?"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: Been a while since this playground was touched, forgot how amusing it was.**


	43. Ranma's Dark Kingdom

**Fragments from a Ranma thread I was writing for Bast's Addventure board before it crashed. The idea is that the president noted Japan's falling population and ordered that everyone of age who could bare a child was legally required to and after some bribes from someone that included those with Jusenkyo curses that made them female. This was Ranma's reaction to that bill.**

 **Ranma's Dark Kingdom - The Dark Crystal... City **

"China's nice this time of year," Ranma said thoughtfully, causing everyone to stare at him in shock, Genma actually dropping his chopsticks.

"And Shampoo?" Akane asked with brittle calm.

"That is a downside," Ranma said with a frown. "I just can't see myself living in an amazon village, especially close to the Phoenix people who may hold a grudge, for either rearranging their mountain or killing their king."

"Ah," Akane said, calming down. "So, you want to move out of Japan?"

"Toma's kingdom was nice, though finding it would be a pain," he replied.

"I… I have to agree," Genma said as he considered his son's options.

"So, your answer is to run away?" Nabiki prodded, not liking the idea of Ranma leaving for a number of reasons.

"Are you suggesting I rebel?" Ranma asked curiously. "I could probably take out half the DIET before they could muster a response, but I don't really think that's in anybody's best interest."

"I…" Nabiki sighed. "You're right, but to leave Japan?"

"I could still visit," Ranma waved it off. "In fact, I ran across a magic kingdom last month that's pretty close, though it lacks sunlight and has some minor pest problems."

"No sunlight?" Kasumi asked.

"What's the government like?" Nabiki added before he could answer.

"Completely empty," Ranma said. "It's always dark there for some reason."

"B-But the schools!" Soun protested.

"Soun," Genma placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, "I can't ask my son to sacrifice his manhood… even for the schools."

"Didn't you try to marry Ranko to Daddy?" Akane demanded.

"Empty threat," Genma waved it off. "I needed to shake Ranma out of his funk, and you know Soun isn't ready to remarry."

"It was nice of you to risk your life to help me like that," Ranma told Soun.

"It was my… Risk my life?" Soun asked.

"You don't want to know how close I came to going on a killing spree," Ranma said with a chuckle.

"And I would have poisoned your tea before I let you disgrace Mother's memory that way," Kasumi admitted, causing some shocked looks.

"I was just going to put you all in traction till you got over the idea," Akane said with a shrug.

"I know how far I can push you Boy," Genma said proudly. "And I also knew to avoid Akane." He laughed.

Soun chuckled nervously.

"Where's this magic kingdom located and how do we gain entrance?" Genma asked.

"It's near Mom's," Ranma said. "I'm not saying we move right now, I'm just saying it's an option. I don't want to move unless I have to."

 **The different threads that would have led off from this ep:**

 **Choice 1**

 ***FRONT PAGE NEWS – NEW LAW TO INCREASE POPULATION BACKFIRES AS NERIMA WARD EMPTIES! ***

"Why is everyone coming with us?" Ranma asked.

"I told them the magic kingdom has lower property taxes," Nabiki replied.

 **Choice 2**

 ***FRONT PAGE NEWS – NEW LAW TO INCREASE POPULATION STRUCK DOWN BY CONGRESS AND VETOED BY PRESIDENT – JAPAN TO CONTINUE AS NORMAL AS AMERICAN POLITICIANS HAVE NO AUTHORITY IN JAPAN.***

"Can someone please explain why the bill targets my son before I spike the fire suppression system with drowned girl water?" Nodoka asked sweetly.

 **Choice 3**

"I thought we defeated the Dark kingdom," Moon complained.

"We did," Pluto assured her, "these are humans who have immigrated there."

"They need Senshi protection," Uranus said, seeing a way to escape the new law herself.

 **Choice 4**

 ***Something else!**

 **Ranma's Dark Kingdom – New Rock City** **(A branch off Choice 1)**

"Why is everyone coming with us?" Ranma asked.

"I told them we had lower property taxes," Nabiki said proudly.

"We have no property taxes," Ranma replied.

Nabiki slapped both her hands over his mouth. "Quiet! You want to flood the place with all of Japan?!"

Ranma rolled his eyes.

"Listen Saotome, there is a saying, 'it takes a village to raise a child."

"I'm not raising a child," he pointed out.

"Yet," Nabiki said. "In the future there will be children, right?"

"If a couple of people have their way it'll be a lot sooner than you think," he said nervously.

"Ok, let me put it another way," Nabiki said, trying to relax him. "You like ice cream, right?"

"Yeah," he admitted.

"Well to get ice cream we need more than just someone to mix the ingredients and serve it, we need someone to raise and milk the cows and keep the freezers running," she explained. "Think of these people as the builders of ice cream."

"Ok," Ranma agreed, "Just keep them out of my castle."

"Castle?" Nabiki asked.

"Yeah, I'm still clearing youma out of it, but I laid claim to it when I first found the place."

"There are a lot of buildings?" Nabiki asked, surprised.

"It's a city made of black glass," Ranma said. "European design for the most part. The plumbing still works and it has water, but no electricity."

"I expected wilderness," Nabiki admitted. "We have a lot of people who are looking forward to building their own homes."

"There's room and forests of edible mushrooms," Ranma assured her. "I wouldn't have moved there if it didn't have the basics."

"So… youma?" Nabiki asked.

"Ki vampires about as bright as Kuno," he assured her. "Even Akane can handle most of them."

 **Ranma's Dark Kingdom –** **(Failed start)**

"Come to a decision yet?" Nabiki asked, seeing Ranma deep in thought staring at the backyard.

Soun and Genma, who had both been playing Shogi froze and one could practically see the ear nearest Ranma on both of them swivel in his direction.

Kasumi and Akane didn't even pretend disinterest as both stopped what they were doing and turned to hear Ranma's response.

Ranma sighed heavily before replying," I think…"

"Yeah?" Nabiki asked curiously.

"I think Toma's island is nice this time of year."

 ***crash!***

Ignoring the various face faults, Ranma continued. "Of course, finding the place isn't easy and their population problems make it likely that I'll be pressured to have children there as well."

"You'd leave Japan?!" Akane exclaimed in horror, not recalling any trips outside Japan very fondly.

"I don't think they're allowing people to emigrate to other countries right now. It kinda defeats the purpose of the law to let people leave," Nabiki said.

"If I hadn't had problems with nearly everyone in China, I'd already be packed and gone," Ranma said bluntly. "I can swim to China."

"With China and Toma's island out, meaning you can't just swim somewhere else, what do you plan on doing?"

"Magic portal," Ranma replied.

"A magic portal," Nabiki repeated slowly.

"Yep," the aqua transsexual agreed. "Weak point in the world wall that responds to the proper ki."

"How'd you get a key to a magical portal?" Nabiki asked, not sure if he was joking or not.

"I saw a guy in black open it using inverted ki a couple of blocks from Mom's house," Ranma replied. "It's easy enough to copy."

"Oh, ki!" Nabiki said, realizing she'd mistaken one word for another. "What's the world wall?"

"It's what keeps the worlds separate," Ranma replied. "I stole the name from an RPG I heard some guys talking about."

"That's another reason the Senkens were sealed," Genma said. "Opening random gates by hitting weak points is never a good idea and I never could figure out a way to sense them in advance."

 **AN: This was my first attempt to start the thread.**

 **Knight Moves**

Xander blinked and waved smoke out of his face, his axe still dripping with ichor from what had been a way too easy kill.

He knew without even looking that he was in some kind of circle. There was an electric feel in the air, a weight, that said someone had just pulled off some major mojo.

Of course the complex lines of blue powder surrounding him and the half naked figure waving a decapitated rooster and chanting was also a big clue.

Xander wasn't really all that surprised to see he was in a warehouse. He was positive that if they'd just burn down all the empty warehouses in Cleveland, they'd cut down on at least half their supernatural problems.

There was aloud boom as someone blew open the door and two figures ran in. A tall skinny guy carrying a glowing staff and what looked to be an honest to god white knight like Xander was often accused of being.

"We're too late!" the tall guy who Xander figured was a magic user shouted. "He's summoned the outsider, stop him before he binds him!"

Xander took a deep breath and blew away the line of powder that marked the containment circle.

As the circle darkened, its power broken, all three of the men outside the circle froze.

"I've had a pretty good day so far, so let's not spoil it, ok?" Xander asked. "Now why in the world was I summoned here?"

"Lord Balkin the many horned, I summoned you to bring an end to my enemies!" the man who practically had witch doctor tattooed on him shouted.

"Was balky gray skinned with a barbed three foot penis he liked to wave around?" Xander asked.

"That fits the description of him," the magic user agreed as he looked Xander carefully up and down.

"I just finished removing his head when you pulled this," Xander said.

"B-but it takes a white knight to kill Balky," the knight said in shock.

"I've been called that before," Xander admitted. "Usually by demons as an insult, but enough to have the name stick."

"You cut off both his heads?" the magic user asked intently.

Xander shrugged. "If he wanted to keep it, he shouldn't have pointed it at me."

 **AN: First attempt at what I later rewrote as a Xander as Loki in the Dresdenverse Fic as this seemed a little too dull.**

 **Council Video Conference**

"We need more magic users," Willow said as she delivered her weekly report to the council via Skype, as they all met online.

"We recruit anyone with a lick of talent," Faith said with a shrug. "Not sure what more we can do, unless you want us to start breeding our own."

"Which brings me to my latest project and why I need Xander's help," Willow replied, raising some eyebrows.

"Well, ok," Xander agreed, "but I get to be on top."

"Xander!" Willow exclaimed, turning bright red while Kennedy fell off her seat laughing.

"I take it from Kennedy's response you aren't planning on having Xander impregnate our witch population to increase their numbers?" Giles asked dryly.

"No!" Willow exclaimed. "I have a way of mystically empowering others and I wanted Xander's help because-"

"If anything can go wrong with it, it'll go wrong with me there," Xander interrupted.

"Pretty much," Willow agreed. "Plus… I haven't gotten to see you in a while and you're due some mandatory downtime, so I figured…"

"-we'd get to spend some time with him," Kennedy finished.

"I thought you didn't like me," Xander said surprised.

Kennedy sighed. "Our council headshrinker made some uncomfortable truths known to me and I'd rather do the rest of this privately."

Willow kissed Kennedy's cheek before turning back to the screen. "I miss you. Come home."

"Ok, Wills," he said quietly and vanished off screen, his second in command of the Cleveland Hellmouth, a local Slayer named Shirley, taking his spot.

"Where'd boytoy go?" Faith asked, having grabbed a soda while they were talking, figuring she wouldn't miss all that much.

"To Willow's," Buffy said.

"He's packing," Shirley replied. "But just remember if you hurt him I can have over a dozen Slayers…"

 **AN: A funny scene but it doesn't really connect with anything, so I never continued it.**

 **Reconditioned**

Xander had waited until everyone had went home before collecting the many pieces of Ted and taking them to his house. He knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but the potential help Ted could be was too much to ignore. Maybe he just needed something to take his mind of Ampata and the guilt he felt for making out with Cordelia only a couple of months after she'd died.

Whatever the reason, Sunday morning found Xander rechecking the makeshift repairs connecting Ted's head to his torso and the cord he had running from Ted's naval to the wall.

"The moment of truth," Xander muttered before bracing himself and flipping a switch. After a few seconds had passed and nothing had exploded, he relaxed.

Ted's eyes snapped open and looked around the basement. "Well this is a mess," he finally said.

"Yes it is," Xander agreed. "And we need to fix your programming before we fix your body."

"What's wrong with my programming?" Ted asked.

"It lead to you being dismembered and disposed of, obviously it needs work."

"You may have a point there," Ted admitted.

 **A week later…**

Xander stumbled into the basement missing a shoe and partially covered in black goop.

"Hard day?" Ted asked, turning away from the TV, fully repaired.

"The egg babies from our parenting class turned out to be demon eggs that took over the school," Xander replied. "There was much badness and even though my foolproof idea of hard-boiling the egg prevented us from being taken over, Amy is a wee bit pissed at me."

"Hard boil one baby and they never let you forget it," Ted said, shaking his head.

"I know," Xander said with a sigh. "So, how's the research going?"

"Not bad, I am up on current trends and fads, though I still find some things incomprehensible."

"You need me to explain anything?" Xander asked.

Ted flinched. "Your explanations need explanations and still make my head hurt. No, I figured it'd be quicker to design a device that created a digital scan of someone's brain."

"How'd that go?" Xander asked curiously.

"Quite well," Ted said. "I designed and built one based on a combination of MRI tech and my creator's scanning equipment. I need you to scan a couple of sane people so I have a decent baseline and we'll be set."

"Like me and Buffy?"

"I'd prefer sane people who didn't fight vampires. Like Joyce and Dawn."

 **AN: One of my earlier ideas for using Ted. I eventually ended up using from it in 'Not Exactly What I'd Call Sitting' and 'Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles' as you can no doubt tell.**

 **Advice**

Xander paused as he saw a flash of light and heard the sounds of fighting. Following the sounds, he found a six-man team dressed in camo, wearing ski-masks, and firing some sort of electrical blasters fighting a Polgara in a graveyard near the college.

It was obvious they were disciplined and trained to work together and equally obvious they didn't know a lot about what they were facing.

"It can sprout a foot-long spike from the back of its hand," Xander warned loudly, just before the Polgara could surprise them with it, though one of them did get a nasty gash from it.

Watching them alternate blaster shots that were partially effective and physical attacks that were completely ineffective, even with batons, he sighed. "Aim for the kidneys!"

Someone was listening because the creature yowled like a cat and curled into a ball around its injured side a second later.

A couple of the masked figures turned incredulous looks on him.

Xander shrugged. "It's the equivalent of a nut shot or would be if that one wasn't female."

The three that were securing the demon with heavy chains actually stopped at that announcement.

 **AN: It was an interesting start, but never really sparked any new ideas.**

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	44. Connections

**Connections**

Jimmy awoke slowly, he felt groggy and stiff. "Did I smoke something I shouldn't have?" he wondered aloud as he got to his feet. He brushed himself off, not that it did much good. His clothes were heavily worn and looked like they hadn't been washed in a while. His woolen gloves seemed to spread the dirt around more than remove any of it.

His stomach growled, letting him know that he had more important things to do than stand around worrying about how he'd ended up sleeping in an alley. It was early enough that he was pretty sure he could probably get away with going through the dumpster behind one of the grocery stores downtown. It'd be at least an hour until they opened, so whatever security they had would still be patrolling inside.

He pulled his cap over his ears and stumbled down the alley working the stiffness out of his joints as he went.

Peeking out at the street from the end of the alley he examined the graffiti. From the number of swastikas and interlocked eights he could tell he was in Empire territory. 'Neo Nazis', not the kind of people I want to hang around with even if I am of an 'acceptable' skin tone', he thought to himself. Hating people for something as arbitrary as race never made sense to Jimmy, not when there were so many more sensible reasons to hate people.

Jimmy crossed the street, taking care to keep his pace even and unhurried. Running attracted the eye and he really didn't need to run into any gang bangers regardless of shape. The streets were almost empty of people as most were still sensibly in bed.

Crescent had a few shops, mostly electronics and thrift shops, along with a few odds and ends. Jimmy slid into the alley between a cell phone store and a residential block. It was poorly lit and there was a fair amount of trash overflowing the cans in the alley.

Empire Eighty Eight liked to keep out undesirables and the trash men sometimes skipped their territory for a week to encourage them not to harass their employees, as a good number of them weren't of the gangs preferred racial type. It was a low risk strategy the city's sanitation department employed to make sure city workers weren't harassed by gang members and so far it seemed to be working.

Maple was more industrialized, mostly small businesses and a few restaurants. Jimmy considered checking the dumpsters in the area, but wrote it off as too risky. Some places were rumored to add a little something to the food they threw out to reduce the… pest problem. If there ever was a big enough bastard to poison homeless people Jimmy figured they'd live in Empire territory.

"Luck seems to be with me today," Jimmy muttered as he made it out of Empire territory unmolested. Of course it was still early enough that most people were still in bed, so it really wasn't that big a surprise, he simply expected things to go wrong because they so often did.

There was one of the new super saver mega marts just a few blocks away that was easy to find. He stuck to the darker parts of the parking lot as he circled around to the back of the store. Just because security was lazy didn't mean they wouldn't get up off their ass if they saw something they couldn't ignore.

The store was big enough to have several dumpsters, and not small ones either. Jimmy climbed up the ladder alongside a massive blue dumpster and looked inside. He was relieved to see it was over three quarters full, otherwise it'd be a bitch to climb out of.

He dropped onto a pile of flattened boxes, falling on his ass as they slid out from under him. Jimmy sighed and climbed up onto his knees before crawling further in to see what he could scrounge up. His nose wrinkled at the smell. He checked the top layer first, knowing that the further down he dug the older the food would be and the longer it had sat in the dumpster.

"Fresh or rather not so fresh produce," Jimmy muttered as he found where they'd dumped yesterday's fruit and vegetables. "I'm going to need a shower after this." The smell of overripe produce wasn't really noticeable drowned out by the stench of curdled milk and molding bread, so he mainly had to sort by sight to try and find what was salvageable.

In the end he decided to take his chances with some brown bananas and questionable looking oranges, as most of the rest was a mix of rotting and mangled. He set the fruit on a clear section of cardboard and moved to another area to dig through.

"Shirts," he noted, finding a small bundle of red and green shirts that had been thrown out. Holding one out he found that it was for some marathon that had been held the year before and looked like someone had slashed it with a knife. "Why… Because they didn't want anyone being able to wear them," Jimmy realized. "God forbid some homeless person get some use out of their trash. People are dicks."

Another five minutes of searching added a half-crushed box of saltines and an almost full bottle of coconut dream shampoo. Jimmy decided he'd spent as much time here as he dared and emptied a store bag filled with receipts to stuff everything in. He took one of the slashed shirts as well. He could use it for rags if nothing else, he just really felt the need to find a use for one to spite whoever had damaged them.

He peeked over the edge of the dumpster, making sure no one was waiting to ambush him when he climbed out. Security at some places liked to take out a little of their frustration at having a dead-end job on the homeless to discourage them coming around and upsetting the more upwardly mobile customers with their presence.

Jimmy pulled himself out of the dumpster and climbed down, keeping an eye out as he made his way back to the street and headed for the docks. There was a half-sunk tug in the ships graveyard where he could wash up and eat, provided no cape was lurking about testing some destructive power anyway.

If not for that potential danger he'd have made his home there, but a near miss from a tinker testing some type of energy blaster the week before had convinced him that it was actually safer to stick to sleeping in the streets.

His mind drifted back to an incident just last month...

Jimmy flinched back as a beam of bright blue light shot past barely missing him as it slammed into a rat.

"Baaa!" the former rat bleated, before it found its coat jarringly white and fluffy as it fled.

"Sorry, my bad!" the tinker called out as he and his friend worked on adjusting something on the cannon they were building, as if they hadn't just turned a wharf rat into a sheep.

Sure you could get stabbed or shot sleeping on the street, but at least you could be fairly sure no one could turn you into a sheep on accident.

"Fucking tinkers," he muttered grumpily as he continued on his way.

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Jimmy locked the door to the tug's interior behind himself and let out a relieved sigh. It may not have power or any form of temperature control, but it had thick walls and a door that he could lock, so it was the closest thing to home and safety he had.

He climbed down the stairs to the engine room. The room had been completely gutted leaving a large empty space that opened into the bay. The floor and lower sections of the walls near the back of the room were missing, probably torn off by whatever had taken the engine, letting in water and what sunlight leaked in from the bay itself. The water in the bay was not exactly a fresh mountain spring, but it was clean enough for Jimmy's purposes.

"Better wash my clothes while I have the chance," Jimmy decided rinsing the fruit off in the brackish water before scarfing them down, it was far from the best meal, but overall he was satisfied with it. He tossed the peels in the shopping back and took out the shampoo. "It's going to take forever for my clothes to dry," he realized with a sigh as he started getting undressed putting everything he didn't want to get wet on the one surviving bench that was welded to the bulkhead.

It took nearly half an hour before he was satisfied with the state of his clothes. It may have taken a bit of effort to rinse out the shampoo, but it made a surprisingly good laundry detergent.

Carrying his wet clothes, he made his way back up to the wheelhouse and spread them out to dry. Lacking anything else to wear he put on the slashed-up shirt and looked around for something to occupy himself while he waited.

Whoever had once owned the ship before it had been run aground had amassed a decent amount of fantasy novels and back issues of Playboy, so Jimmy relaxed in a chair and settled down to read for a few hours.

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Sophia slipped into the boat graveyard, the hood on her dark gray sweatshirt pulled up to hide her mask. She didn't have the funds for much of a costume, but a hockey mask and pair of sweats would do until she could afford better.

Shifting into her shadow form she passed through the hull of a ship to throw off any possible tails. She'd had an idea about a new use for her power and didn't want to take the chance of some scrub spotting her practicing with it and carrying word back to the gangs.

Spotting a tugboat that was half in the water she decided to practice inside it where no one could see. She phased through the hull and floated up through the floor into the bridge and froze, staring in surprise.

Jimmy stared at the girl in the hockey mask for a second before recovering. "I just read it for the articles."

Sophie tilted her head down to look at his waist before realizing what she'd done and blushing heavily behind her mask.

"He likes the pictures," Jimmy drawled out, refusing to be embarrassed, despite his state of dress and… condition.

Sophie quickly ghosted through the wall and vanished.

"Fucking capes," Jimmy said shaking his head before checking his clothes to see if they were dry yet.

"Another hour," he decided before retaking his seat and seeing what Miss April thought was a good first date.

 **That evening**

Jimmy collected his wool cap and pocketed the small amount of money people had tossed in. It was getting late and he needed to find somewhere safe to bed down for the night. Spotting a few merchants on the edge of the park, plying their wares, he decided to chance some place on the edge of ABB territory.

Normally he'd avoid it, but he'd heard the rumors, The Merchants would grab homeless people and forcibly addict them to their stuff so they'd have no choice but to join them. There was never any hard evidence, but it seemed like something they'd do, so Jimmy wasn't taking any chances.

Keeping an eye out for anyone that was paying too much attention to him, he exited the park and kept to the main streets which were well lit and populated by people he was fairly sure weren't going to kidnap him. He was a little out of place and drew some looks, but most were too preoccupied with getting home to pay much attention to a homeless boy.

Living on the streets made you more and less visible to people at the same time. People would watch you out of the corner of their eye if you got too close, just in case you turned out to be dangerous since there was an almost universal assumption that something had to be wrong with you to end up this way, while at the same time not really seeing you as you weren't really a person to them just a potential problem.

Being homeless hadn't done Jimmy's view of humanity any favors, that was for sure.

"You holding?"

Jimmy froze and realized he'd lost track of what was going on around him, a mistake.

Two large men with shaved heads blocked his path, Empire goons, easily identified by the tats and piercings which displayed common symbols of their hateful ideology.

Jimmy held his hands out to show they were empty before taking off his battered leather jacket and extending his arms.

"What's that for?" one of the thugs asked confused.

"Show's he ain't using," the other said. "He ain't a Merchant bringing poison into our community."

"Good on you, kid. The Jews invented that shit to weaken our people."

Jimmy nodded and put back on his jacket.

"You a believer?" the first one asked.

"I prefer to hate people on an individual basis," Jimmy admitted. "Most people are assholes in my experience."

The two laughed.

"Can't say I disagree, kid. Have a nice night."

"You too," Jimmy said as they parted to let him through. He mentally breathed a sigh of relief, he hadn't meant to disagree with them, but his mouth tended to move faster than his brain when he was nervous. Thankfully those two had been a lot more personable than the gang bangers he normally ran into.

He paid a lot closer attention to his surroundings as he passed through Empire territory and a few blocks later he spotted fresh red and green tags that let him know he was in the clear… at least from the Neo Nazis. Of course now he was entering AZN Bad Boy territory where his skin color could get him jumped if he was lucky and stabbed if he wasn't.

Jimmy ducked down a side alley, carefully skirting the area until he found what he'd been looking for.

The dumpster behind Zag's electronics wasn't locked, as someone had busted the latch on it long ago. It was even odds whether it was a junkie looking for something to sell or a tinker looking for supplies, but either way it was exactly what he was looking for.

Jimmy looked around to make sure he was alone before climbing inside. The trash was mostly broken electronics and empty cardboard packaging, and with a little work he made himself a comfortable bed, out of the weather and the eyes of anyone who might take offense to his existence.

Covering himself with loose sheets of cardboard he relaxed. Sure the sun had just set a little over an hour ago, but he found it was a lot safer to be out and about in the early hours of the morning rather than at night when the gangs came out to play.

He yawned and let himself drift off to sleep… only to be awoken an indeterminate time later by the screech and rumble of someone moving the dumpster. Jimmy froze, his heart hammering against his chest as he tried to figure out what was going on.

"...block the alley," a voice continued as the noise of the dumpster being shoved across the ground stopped.

"They could just ram the dumpster," someone complained.

"Ain't happened yet and we've pulled it off plenty of times," the first voice assured him. "Now, let's get to our spots."

Jimmy sighed softly, it was just his luck to pick the only dumpster in the alley that some pricks were going to use to rob someone. He really wished he could say it surprised him, but if there were two things he was sure of it was that most people were assholes and his luck sucked balls.

After a few minutes of waiting Jimmy felt himself beginning to doze off once more and pulled some more trash over himself so no one would see him if they opened the dumpster. His last thought before he fell asleep was that at least he didn't snore.

He awoke with a start as he heard a shout from outside the dumpster, "Get out of the car!"

Apparently the ambush they'd set up had finally happened. Hopefully it'd end quickly so he could go back to sleep.

"You're a pretty little thing," one of the gang members said with a leer that Jimmy could actually hear.

Jimmy gritted his teeth and tried to tell himself that it wasn't his business, shit happened all the time in the bay.

"Why don't we fix that for you," someone said and the snick of a knife being flicked open echoed loudly in the alley.

'Fuck', Jimmy thought to himself as he heard the girl whimper while a male voice tried to plead with them to leave his daughter alone. He felt around in the dumpster for something he could use as a weapon and found a rubbery cylinder with some weight to it.

Jimmy took a deep breath and got his feet under himself. Hearing a scuffle he threw back the lid of the dumpster and leapt out. The girl was wrestling with an Asian teen who had a knife while a second one was holding a gun on a middle-aged man in a nice suit.

Jimmy cracked a third gang member in the head with his makeshift club sending him to the ground. He quickly followed it with a boot to the thugs head, knocking him out. The gang member with the gun turned toward Jimmy, but a hockey masked figure in dark sweats came out of nowhere and landed on him feet first, crushing him to the ground.

Jimmy rushed forward and cracked the final thug across the face, breaking his nose and causing him to drop his knife. The red haired teen took the chance to knee him in the groin making him stumble back where the figure in sweats slammed a right into his jaw, knocking him out.

There was silence for the moment before the man said, "Oh, thank god!" like an actual prayer, hugging his daughter tightly and the two teen girls turned to Jimmy and looked at him before finding their gazes drawn to the weapon in his hand.

Jimmy could practically feel their incredulous stare and looked down at what he was holding… a two-foot-long neon pink dildo as big around as his wrist. He flung it over his shoulder, it landed in the open dumpster with a heavy thunk. "It was the only thing nearby I could use as a weapon," Jimmy said. He looked at the masked girl. "You again?"

"At least you have pants on this time," she said with a snort.

"I was doing laundry," Jimmy said before one of the gangsters groaned and he kicked him in the head, knocking him unconscious once more.

"Sure you were," she said with a smirk he could feel. "What are you doing here?"

"Sleeping," Jimmy said honestly, "I just had the bad luck to pick the only dumpster in all of the bay that was going to be used in a crime." He knelt down by the first guy he'd knocked out and patted him down with an ease that spoke of long practice, retrieving two knives, a wallet and a couple of small plastic bags filled with brown powder. He pocketed one of the knives and all the cash from the wallet before moving onto the second thug and stripping him of his possessions as well.

The girl in the mask knelt down and searched the third one, mimicking Jimmy's actions. "You a cape?" she asked cautiously.

"Not unless bad luck and a general disdain for humanity is a superpower," Jimmy said, piling the weapons and drugs on the ground for the police to find. He tossed half the cash the second guy had on him to the masked girl.

She chuckled. "If they're not, they should be." She pulled out a handful of zip ties and restrained the criminals.

The redhead, who couldn't have been more than fourteen, wiggled out of her father's arms and stepped up to the pair. Jimmy absently noted the tear tracks on her face. "Thank you," she said, "I thought they were going to kill me."

"Maybe, but you'd have gotten some licks in," the masked girl said with approval, "you're a fighter."

"I've called the police, they'll collect these monsters shortly," the redhead's father said. "I don't know how I can ever repay you."

"Emma," the redhead said offering her hand to the masked girl.

"Shadow Stalker," the young cape replied almost crushing her hand as she shook it, before they turned to Jimmy.

"I'm… the fuck outta here," Jimmy said suddenly, quickly turning and leaving, the last thing he heard before he rounded the corner was Emma asking, "Why did he smell like Coconut Dream?"

 **AN: I had a crazy idea for a story I shared with Mist-of-Shadows and he pointed out that the main character would end up as a character-in-name-only if I did it as I'd planned. My response was 'Well, then why don't we take his name as well?' The next chapter will make it pretty clear who he is, just as this chapter made it pretty clear where he is. Hope you enjoyed it. Remember to review!**

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: As soon as he grabbed the "weapon" in the dumpster I figured it would be something like that, the color was a touch unexpected, but in hindsight wasn't really surprising, because of course it would be neon pink.**


	45. Random Starts

**Random Starts**

 **AN: Looking at everything I've written you may guess I have ADHD, but for every chapter I've written there's at least half a dozen failed ideas or partial chapters as I work out what I want to write. I decided to toss them up so you can all see some of my writing process and possibly get inspiration for your own stories. Enjoy!**

 **Late Shift**

Xander reached up and felt around for the releases so he could get his helmet off. With some awkward fumbling and muffled curses he found the switches to depressurize and release his helmet. "Air," he muttered, though he found the air to actually be warmer and more sterile than the air in his helmet.

"Xander, what's going on?" asked a nervous female voice from beside him.

Snapping his head to the side so quick he almost got whiplash Xander found himself looking at a smaller stormtrooper in a decidedly femine set of armor. "Dawn?" he asked.

"Yeah," she agreed before fumbling her own helmet off. "How and why are we… here?"

Xander stopped and looked at where they were before glancing down at his chest and seeing the name tag he'd worn: Hello my name is XN-Der-1 Welcome to the Death Star commissary. "I think we're in the Death Star commissary," he admitted. "The How would probably be magic and I'm not sure of the Why."

"I-I… my head is stuffed with stuff," Dawn said quietly with not a little awe.

 **AN: A weird idea I had based on a conversation in Clerks about contractors on the Death Star, no plot in sight, just a random scene. Revisited the idea and wrote 'A Long Walk'.**

 **Scoobs on Film - Dune**

"The plot was complicated enough for about a dozen books," Buffy said. "Not that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it should have been a trilogy."

"Dune is actually a series of books," Willow said. "I haven't followed it, but I've heard good things. I doubt the movie was half as good as the books. I liked it."

"So what did you think Xander?" Buffy asked.

"I think the entire movie was one huge metaphorfor gay sex and not the good kind involving women," Xander said.

"What?!" Willow exclaimed.

"The women are all shown as having secret powers and trying to control everything," Xander explained. "And the whole sister/mother thing in a nunnery showed a subliminal fear of his female relatives."

"Could you make less sense?" Buffy asked rolling her eyes.

"Ok fine, a giant phallic worm, swimming through the ground and providing the 'water of life' to the women, whoshow their evil by monopolizing it, is not at all a metaphor for a penis and a gay one at that," Xander said sarcastically.

"I… huh," Buffy said thoughtfully.

"Don't tell me you're buying this!"

"I'm not saying that… but I can see where he's coming from," Buffy admitted.

"How about the part where the old Jabba the Hutt looking dude ripped off the young guy's nipple and sucked out all his blood?" Xander asked.

"That was a heart plug," Willow argued.

"That was one guy sucking the fluids out of another guy," Xander said, "and let's not forget the climax of the film has Paul riding a sandworm triumphant."

"Ok, it was one long metaphor for butt sex," Willow admitted.

"And there is a series of books?" Buffy asked.

"Apparently, butt sex sells," Willow said with a shrug.

 **Scoobs on Film - I am Legend**

"Loved it," Buffy said. "Good guys win because of heroic sacrifice and they discover a cure for vamps. It's the feel good movie of the year."

"You gotta love the irony of his blood turning out to be the cure in the end," Willow said. "What do you think Xander?"

"Hated it," Xander replied in a sing song.

"What?!" the girls chorused.

"The story it was based on was so much better. They butchered the story so much the title doesn't even make sense anymore."

Willow thought about it for a minute and frowned. "What did the title have to do with the story?"

"I thought he was a legend for finding the cure," Buffy said.

"The original story had him immune to vampirism because he'd been bitten by an infected bat while in South America in the military when he was younger. The fact that his blood was the key was so obvious it was a no brainer and the original main character was a retired plumber figuring this out, not a scientist with a lab."

"So he just whipped up a cure to the mutant cancer treatment?" Buffy asked.

"No, it was anti-fat treatment if I remember it right," Xander said trying to recall the details, "and the saner vamps figured out how to live with their condition. He was the last human alive and staked them during the day, which made him the legendary monster of the story from their point of view. The title doesn't even make sense the way they did it."

"Sounds like a downer of an ending," Buffy said.

"I don't recall him killing his dog when he could have just locked it up, since he was searching for a cure anyways," Xander complained, "so it was at least a little brighter."

 **AN: Was planning a MST3000 type fic, but all I was really doing was complaining about films so I scrapped it.**

 **Curb Stomp/Crush fragment**

"Cool tat," Oz said, a hint of emotion actually leaking into his voice.

Of course a touch of wonder was understandable as Galatea had a pair of large silver wings tattooed on her bare back, starting at the top of her shoulders and extending down to her waist.

"How'd they get it to look like metal?" Buffy asked.

"It is metal," Xander said.

"It's magical," Willow said. "Some type of… control?"

"Kinda," Xander admitted. "Her cousin once got hit with the mind mojo by an evil prick and it's kinda made the entire family antsy about it because of how powerful they are. Knowing the hellmouth is target rich in evil mojo types, this was the best protections we could beg, borrow, or steal."

"She tattooed like thirty percent of her body, just to be with you?" Willow asked in shock.

"And to never have to worry about the mind mojo," he agreed.

 **AN: Failed chapter start for Crush, decided not to give Power Girl a tat that completely covered her back.**

 **Perceptions**

As they watched the chopper take Marcy away Xander was struck by a sudden epiphany, if she had been made invisible because of everyone overlooking her, than what was the common perception of him and what effects did it have?"

"Are you ok?" Willow asked, noticing the shocked expression on Xander's face.

"Just having my mind wander to some truly horrible places," Xander replied as he recalled Cordelia saying appearance was everything and that people lived and died by their reputation. Did this mean she was right?

"Like what?" Willow asked.

"We had an invisible girl prowling the school," he replied, shaking his head.

"Relax Xan," Buffy said trying to lighten the mood, "I doubt she spent all her time watching you shower, there's also the rest of the boys to consider, like the football team."

"Not quite what I was worried about," Xander said, as Buffy waxed poetic about the various sports teams and some of the boys on them with Willow turning redder and redder.

"Yes, I believe this is where I depart," Giles said, quickly making a break for it.

"She probably didn't watch you for very long before moving on to greener pastures," Buffy said cheerfully, before dragging Willow off, leaving Xander standing there alone, watching the chopper shrink in the distance.

"Yeah, that's not insulting at all," Xander muttered, knowing Buffy hadn't meant it that way, but had said it because she didn't see him as anything but one of the girls. "And how does her perception of me affect me?" he wondered aloud.

He shook off his moment of introspection and left, the entire subject made his head hurt.

 **After a 'Dance' with Buffy…**

Xander watched Buffy walk away, leaving him frustrated, confused, and publicly humiliated in the middle of the Bronze. He felt about two inches tall and as he recalled what had happened to Marcy he wondered if he went and measured himself now, would he be an inch shorter?

He was surprised to see Cordelia chase after Buffy as he returned to the booth they'd grabbed, Willow giving him a sympathetic look as the teens around them laughed at his misfortune.

"She didn't mean it," Willow said, upset and confused at Buffy's actions herself.

"Not sure that makes a difference at this point," Xander replied, causing her eyes to widen.

"Wh-what do you mean?" Willow asked.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," Xander said, "let's get out of here."

"Ok," Willow said, unhappy with Buffy herself, but not wanting her friends to fight. She racked her brain for some way to fix things, but came up blank.

 **After a vamp delivers a ransom letter to the library**

"I shouldn't have bothered forcing Angel to lead me to the Master's cave," Xander said after Buffy gave a speech about not being able to handle having civilians involved in the slaying.

Buffy paused, but then continued on her way to the Bronze ignoring Xander's warning that it was a trap.

 **AN: a bit too dark and gloomy for my tastes, though an interesting concept to work with.**

 **TN: and I bet Buffy sure as hell wouldn't have been so dismissive of an invisible guy watching her or other girls showering.**

 **Sleepless: Chap 2 - later**

Xander paused in the hall as he saw that Amy was almost in tears. "Are you ok?" he asked.

"Yeah… I'm just frustrated," she admitted. "No matter what I do or what diet I try I can't seem to lose the weight. I've been exercising for hours each day and eating like a bird and it's done nothing!"

"That's because both of those are the wrong things to do to lose weight," Xander said the information he'd been programmed with by Coach Martin coming to the forefront of his mind. "If you starve your body it slows down the rate you burn off fat cells because it thinks you are in a food poor environment. Exercising every day may offset that some, but it sabotages your physical development making exercises a lot harder than they need to be."

"Really?" she asked doubtfully.

"Really," he said seriously. "If you want to lose weight and tone up you have to do the right thing at the right times. You have to eat enough so that your body doesn't go into emergency starvation mode for one, though most of it is going to be plants and you're going to drink a lot of water."

"Vegetarians aren't exactly the healthiest of people," Amy said frowning.

"That's right," Xander agreed. "Because you need vitamins and nutrients that you can't get from plants alone, but we eat too much meat to be healthy. Eat and drink the right amounts combined with alternating days of exercise to give your body time to repair and build muscle and you'll see results."

"My cheerleading coach's advice is almost the complete opposite of yours," she admitted.

Xander began unbuttoning his shirt.

"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm going to show off my chest, now that I have one worth showing, that I gained from following the advice I just gave you." Xander grabbed the bottom of his white undershirt and pulled it up. "Does this look like I was giving you bad advice?"

"Whoa," she said. "Weren't you rather pale and flabby a couple of months ago?"

"I was pale and flabby a month ago," he said seriously. I"m not saying a month will get you this because we aren't the same person, but three months should." He put down his shirt and buttoned back up. "The only part I really hate is that I can't eat junk food anymore. No soda, no twinkies, no pie."

Amy felt his stomach. "Damn!"

"I know," Xander said proudly.

"I don't suppose you'd help me develop a personal exercise program?" she asked leaning into him.

 **Four days later**

Xander was not a happy camper…

 **AN: I had a slow buildup planned, but as you've seen I decided to go another way as Catherine had already replaced Amy at this point in the timeline, so I had to scrap it.**

 **A small... erm minor disagreement**

 **AN: Idea I had for the formation of an adventure group in your typical D &D type world**

"Stop calling me Tinkerbell!" the small fae protested.

"What's your name then?" the mage asked.

"Ripsaw the rover of the meadow drenched in the blood of the unwashed and their allies, The third," she proclaimed proudly.

"I think I'll stick with Tinkerbell, it's easier to remember," The fighter replied.

The mage decided to intercede before it became another meaningless quarrel. "How about we call you TB. it could stand for Tinkerbell which the fighter easily remembers, but it actually is an abbreviation of the name of an infectious disease that kills most of the people who catches it and cripples the rest?"

The tiny fae smiled widely. "I like it!"

"How about Ripsaw for short?" the fighter asked.

"Nah, I like TB better."

"Ok, Ripsaw," the fighter agreed cheerfully, sparking another argument.

If it wasn't for the species differences The Mage would swear it was UST between the two.

 **Senshi vs Hasbro**

Tuxedo Mask loosened the collar on his tuxedo and adjusted his domino mask as he strode forward, his cape blowing in the wind and his cane tapping against the ground at a measure pace.

Moon, Mars and Mercury took cover as the Dark General ordered his youma forward and the half dozen monster transformed toys attacked.

"This feels so wrong," Moon complained as she flung her tiara at a winged yellow pegasus with a cry of "Moon Tiara Activate!"

"Do it anyway! Fire Soul!" Mars called out sending a bird of flame to intercept a blue pegasus.

Mercury's fingers rushed across the keys as she scanned the attackers. "I can give us a battle shroud, but it won't last long."

"Do it!" the other two girls yelled.

"Mercury Bubble Blast!" Mercury called out sending a wave of fog to cover the area.

 **AN: interesting scene but no plot to hang it from. I just like the idea of the two groups fighting. The Elements of Harmony vs the Silver Millennium crystal would make for an interesting explosion.**

 **Shelter from the elements**

"That was stupid of you," a grey coated pegasus with a blonde mane said, startling Gilda who had just crossed the cloud layer.

"What?!" the young gryphon spun around and got her wings tangled up sending her spiraling across the cloud.

"You upset the holders of the elements," the pegasus said taking a bite of her muffin.

Glinda untangled herself and glared at the pony that had caused her to crash. "What would you know about it?!" she demanded.

"I know that normally I'd have laughed at your crashing and offered to share a muffin with you, but notice the lack of laughter and kindness," she pointed out. "It's not because I'm mad at you or anything like that, it's because these two elements are avoiding you."

"H-how do you know this?" Gilda asked nervously.

The blonde pony turned to look at her revealing that one of her eyes pointed off to the side. "I keep my eyes open."

"And why are you telling me?"

"Dash is a friend of mine," the pegasus said proudly, "and the thing to remember about loyalty is… it goes both ways."

Gilda thought about that for a moment and turned to ask the grey pony what she meant, but she had already left.

"Loyalty goes both ways," Gilda said to herself, before nodding. Dash was a loyal friend so Gilda was one back, she just had a bit of a temper like all gryphons. "So judging by her words... as a loyal friend… I have to make some apologies, well that or she was saying Dash is bi."

The lack of laughter in what should have been a funny joke made her sigh. "Ok, apologies are definitely needed… then I'll tease Dash!"

 **AN; Random pony scene! But seriously, what effects would the wielders of the elements have on the world around them?**

 **On the back of the turtle**

Xander stopped and tilted his head as he examined a strange looking Superman outfit that was missing the cape and appeared to be damaged besides. "Only two bucks?" he muttered.

"Originally it was supposed to be a Bizarro Superman outfit," the shop's proprietor Ethan Rayne spoke up, startling Xander, "but the bottom half got torn and the cape lost."

"Eep! If I had a decent leather jacket I could go as Superboy," Xander quickly pointed out, quickly covering for his less than manly shriek.

"I've got a leather jacket and some face paint left over from a partial Lobo outfit," he offered, "since it's a partial outfit and more plastic than leather, I can let it go for five bucks with the Bizarro bits and you could go as Bizarro Superboy."

"I like it," Xander said.

 **Later at the Summers' residence…**

Dawn looked at the tag with Lobo's face on it while Xander went to the bathroom to change. Opening the black and white jars of face paint, she set them down confident she could paint his face the way he wanted.

Straightening the Tinkerbell outfit that her mom had resized she found a pin and said a word that would have caused Joyce to reach for the soap while shaking her hurt finger before sticking it in her mouth. Unnoticed a drop of her blood landed in the black face paint and seemed to glow for a moment as it soaked in.

"Ready?" Xander asked as he returned dressed as Conner Kent with a Bizarro version of the Kryptonian symbol for the house of El on his chest.

 **Later…**

A wave of power rolled over Xander causing him to fall to his knees, Bizarro Conner Kent-Lobo standing up a moment later as Czarian healing, able to regenerate an entire person from a single drop of blood, met the fractured physiology of a Bizarro world Kryptonian and attempted to heal it.

In a single second the crystal-like angles of a Bizarro hybrid Kryptonian rounded out into the normal curves of a Kryptonian or a Czarian.

A second later the internal flaws that corrupted what should have been a superior intellect into a parody of itself were reversed, leaving behind a mind that quickly strove to weave together multiple sets of memories and mindsets into a unified whole… it didn't succeed.

A handful of seconds later, an eternity at the speed the mind was working at, a consensus of sorts was reached and Xander moved…

A wind blew through Sunnydale and demons fell apart in its wake. Every vampire bar one found a toothpick lodged in its heart and all it's valuables removed in a split second.

A book on demon identification dropped onto a pile of money and jewelry in the Sunnydale High library.

 **0o0o0o0o**

"You are a threat to the balance," a chorus of voices announced as the new being found itself in two places at once, standing on a black plane in a circle of light surrounded by forces both light and dark, and in California removing every single hair off a vampire with a pair of tweezers.

"I am a mortal and outside your control," he replied, the mental group examining every book Xander had even glanced at and figuring out what was going on.

"You force us to release a true demon to balance the scales," the voices chorused.

The body of the mayor had barely begun to warp and deform before it left the atmosphere on a direct course for the sun. The Wolfram and Hart building in LA crumbled into dust as everything valuable was removed and hands far stronger than steel crushed all that was left to powder.

 **0o0o0o0o**

Giles looked around the library in shock as he found himself buried waist deep in gold and jewels, which rapidly deepened, causing him to try and swim like Scrooge Mc Duck.

 **0o0o0o0o**

Three of the dark figures vanished as all connections to the plane was lost, making the remaining members shift nervously. "You leave us no choice but to release Illyria the god king."

 **AN: This was my first attempt at what I later remade into 'On the Back of the Turtle'. I decided starting after Sunnydale was better to reserve a little mystery in how he'd ended up there.**

 **Let me introduce myself…**

 ***POP***

Xander Harris, teenage slacker extraordinaire, looked up from the Superman comic he was reading, hidden inside a book on demonology, and stared at the three-foot-tall figure that had appeared on top of the table directly over the Hellmouth.

Buffy blinked a couple of times before asking, "Giles, didn't you tell me Leprechauns didn't exist?"

Seeing Mxyzptlk about to get angry, Xander quickly spoke up, "In this reality you were partially based on the myths and legends of Leprechauns."

The short man took off his bowler hat, revealing he was as bald as a cue ball and played with it idly as he thought. "Ok, fair enough, just don't make that mistake again," he said sounding remarkably like Gilbert Godfrey.

"You know what he is?" Giles asked surprised.

"Higher dimensional being, often referred to as an imp of the perverse, a muse of mischief, aka Mr. Mxyzptlk," he said like a fight announcer.

"What does that mean in practical terms?" Giles asked as Mxyzptlk beamed at Xander's intro for him.

"Powers of a god, restraint of a preschooler, sense of humor of well, me," Xander finished.

"B-but his pranks are really mean!" Willow protested.

"Only on the surface and he lets Superman win."

"I thought Superman outsmarted him," Willow replied.

Xander and Mxyzptlk shared a laugh.

"Muscle head ain't bad for a mortal, but he ain't all that," Mxyzptlk replied.

"How do you outsmart someone who can see the future?" Xander asked. "No, Mxyzptlk is either teaching Supes to think outside the box or has placed bets with others of his kind on what trick Superman will use to 'win' this time."

"Both, plus I'm balancing a couple of universal forces you've never heard of," the imp admitted.

"So, what brings you here?" Xander asked, offering Mxyzptlk a twinkie which he accepted.

"Saw the drain below here and thought I'd play plumber since it looked backed up."

"And you are the universe's handyman," Xander said in understanding.

 **AN: Didn't know where to take it, but it helped develop the basic concept I use with the character.**

 **I hope you've all enjoyed this trip into my story graveyard, I'll be posting another one as soon as I go through and sort my suitcase full of notes and ideas!**

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: Always nice to see some of the earlier drafts/ideas on things.**


	46. Connections 2

**Connections 2**

 **Part 1:** **And Now Yet Again Still Even More Fragments: Chapter 44**

Jimmy was rudely jostled aside by a man in an expensive suit who muttered about vagrants under his breath before he stepped up to the counter and placed his order.

Jimmy's anger seemed to explode out of him and the man's hair suddenly turned blue. He quickly turned and left the donut shop before anyone noticed and commented. This was the third time this had happened and while Jimmy wasn't upset about having powers, the ability to turn people's hair blue was distinctly underwhelming, especially as it seemed to be somewhat random unlike what he'd heard about most parahuman abilities.

Of course he hadn't intentionally tried to use it yet, the first time it had happened he'd thought it was just a coincidence that he'd been trying to kill someone with his mind when it had occurred because he'd never heard of a parahuman with a power that weak, it was only during the second time that he'd accepted it was him doing it.

"Lamest power ever," Jimmy muttered as he moved down the block to find another donut place to eat at.

It'd been two weeks since he'd rolled the thugs in the alley with Shadow Stalker and between that and his usual panhandling, he'd been able to avoid eating out of dumpsters, but dealing with the fine upstanding citizens of Brockton Bay was really making him wonder if that was a wise decision.

'Dealing with spoiled food is better than dealing with spoiled people', he thought to himself, before his stomach grumbled its dissent and he entered another shop. It was a small place with an old woman behind the counter who eyed him suspiciously as he entered. She had three customers, none of which were under fifty.

"A dozen plain," Jimmy said as he stepped up to the register.

"Sure you can afford it?" she gestured to the board.

"I can handle four dollars," Jimmy replied, pulling a five dollar bill out of his pocket.

"How about two dozen assorted day old for five?" she offered.

"No tax?" he asked, not wanting to pull out the rest of his cash, which he kept in an inside pocket so if anyone mugged him they'd just get the five.

"No tax," she assured him and received a nod in return as he handed her the money. She pocketed the money and vanished into the back room returning a minute later with a large brown bag. "I usually have 'day olds' on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"I'll try to stop by," Jimmy said, pleased with the deal. He turned and left, deciding to eat at the tug. He could relax and catch up on his reading, plus his clothes could use a good wash and so could he.

Jimmy carefully skirted gang territory, keeping to the main streets, until he could reach the boardwalk. It was a pricey tourist area and had private security that would run off vagrants with special encouragement applied to those that resisted via their nightclubs.

One of the enforcers casually headed towards him as Jimmy walked along the railing above the beach. "Just passing through, sir," Jimmy quickly said, "not planning on causing any trouble or hanging around."

"What's in the bag?" the large well built black man asked, with a voice that was remarkably similar to James Earl Jones.

"Donuts, day old," Jimmy said, opening the bag so he could see.

The man nodded. "On your way, don't dawdle."

"Yes, sir," Jimmy said, closing the bag and continuing on.

A lot of people disliked the enforcers and some of them were complete pricks, but Jimmy really couldn't find fault with them in general. They served a purpose, making sure the tourist areas remained profitable by keeping out those that would interfere in that goal.

The city had little enough honest work available and tourist dollars kept a number of people employed, so Jimmy understood and did his best to keep out of the way. The boardwalk was filled with overpriced ritzy stores, so it was remarkably easy for him to do.

He let out a sigh of relief as he passed beyond the edge of the boardwalk, relaxing as some of the tension left him. Running into the wrong enforcer could leave you with more than just bruises and there was always the chance they could get the authorities involved.

Keeping an ear out for any strange noises that indicated a cape testing something Jimmy made his way to his tug.

He scarfed down a donut, jelly filled, the moment he locked the door behind himself. Setting the bag on the captain's chair he went to wash up, now that he was paying attention to it, he realized he was more than a bit whiffy.

A good thirty minutes later Jimmy was relaxing in the chair as his clothes dried catching up on his reading. He'd just opened a bottle and taken one of the pills inside when a voice said, "I thought you weren't a druggy."

Jimmy almost choked and had to take a quick drink of water to clear his windpipe. He glared at the hockey masked girl and tossed the bottle of pills to her.

"Multivitamins?" Shadow Stalker asked, surprised.

"I don't exactly have a balanced diet," Jimmy reminded her, catching the bottle of pills as she tossed it back to him.

"I can see why you'd take multivitamins," she admitted. "I've stopped by a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and haven't seen you."

"I don't live here, too dangerous," Jimmy replied, "I only come here to relax and wash up."

"I can see that," she says, forcing her eyes to stay on his.

"Why have you been looking for me?" he asked tossing his magazine on the console.

She leaned back against the wall. "It's not often I find someone who's not like the sheep."

"Sheeple," Jimmy replied with a nod, the word coming to his mind unbidden. "Yeah, most people are like that, easily lead and only dangerous in large numbers."

"I have a hard time seeing sheep as anything to fear," she replied.

"Herd animals are easily spooked, but a herd of prey animals will stomp a lion to death if they're not cautious. Beware stupid people in large groups, you may be able to take out half a dozen, but you'll still get stomped," Jimmy said. "I avoid them for the most part."

"There are people who aren't sheep mixed in," she pointed out, "hard to find and you have to test them, but they're there."

"I know," Jimmy admitted, "I just find it easier to live like this than to deal with the sheep. Besides, the last thing I want is to end up in the system and be forced to spend all my time surrounded by a bunch of dumbasses. In a couple of years I'll be legal, then I can do what I want."

"Figured you had no family," Shadow Stalker said bluntly, "but the system ain't that bad."

"For you maybe," Jimmy said with a sigh, "but me? Faced with stupidity I can't let it slide, so I get in trouble and having shit on my record would complicate things when I'm an adult. Nah, better to lay low until I can legally handle my own life and make enough money to get a cabin in the mountains somewhere."

"Sounds kinda lonely," Shadow Stalker said, shoulders slumping for a moment before she straightened up and pretended she hadn't said that. "I meant dull," she corrected herself.

"I'm not adverse to taking a few people who aren't assholes with me," Jimmy said.

"You fought pretty well for not being a cape," Shadow Stalker said, changing the subject.

"I beat a couple of idiots with a massive dildo," Jimmy deadpanned making her laugh, "it's not like they were well trained or anything."

"You got any training?" she asked curiously.

"I've picked up some things on the street," he replied, "nothing major."

"You may not be a cape, but it's not like they check," Shadow Stalker pointed out. "Put on a mask, take out some thugs, make some money. Why sleep in a dumpster when you can live comfortably in an abandoned property with the right bribes?"

Jimmy looked at her not quite sure what she was getting at.

"There's properties that aren't legal to rent, but the caretakers are willing to overlook squatting for a little cash. Rolling gang members even just once a week is enough to afford some decent digs."

Jimmy frowned in thought. A safe place to sleep and some decent food and clothes was worth a lot, just not enough to deal with the system. Was it worth beating up some brainless thugs once a week? He slowly nodded. He'd get jumped at least twice a month on average as it was, being able to choose the place and time did make it safer.

"I hadn't considered running around in a costume before, but I like your idea," he admitted. "What do you have planned?"

"No hard plans, just thought that when I had the right target I could use a little backup," Shadow Stalker explained.

"I can probably handle that," Jimmy agreed, "simple ambushes and the like, not storming entrenched positions."

"If I'm hitting a stash house I'd just need help distracting them while I ghost in and rob the place," Shadow Stalker said, "I'm not stupid enough to hit them head on."

"I can work with that," Jimmy said.

"How can I find you when I need you?" she asked.

"I'll hang out here a bit more," Jimmy offered, leaning back in his chair, "catch up on my reading."

"Yeah, probably a good idea," she said, a smirk in her voice as she gave him an obvious once over and phased backwards through the wall.

Jimmy sighed as he realized he'd been naked the entire time. He glanced down and shook his head. "fucking hormones."

 **Four days later**

One good thing about spending more time at the tug was it was easier to clean up, Jimmy thought as he relaxed and worked on some math problems from a battered textbook he'd gotten from a school dumpster.

"Somehow I knew you'd be naked," Shadow Stalker said, "though doing schoolwork is new."

Jimmy snickered. "I wouldn't be surprised to find that part of your power is surprising people while naked, but since this is where I come to wash up and do laundry..."

"Yeah, I can see that," she agreed, "along with everything else." Shadow Stalker unlocked the door and opened it, sticking her head out. "Come on in, Emma."

"I really should get some more clothes," Jimmy decided as the red-haired girl he met two weeks ago entered the wheel room and blushed nearly as red as her hair, but did not, he noted, turn away.

"Hi, it's good to see you," Emma offered.

Shadow Stalker laughed and locked the door once more. "Why don't you have more clothes anyway?"

"And why do you smell like my shampoo?" Emma blurted out.

"Things get stolen or destroyed by assholes," Jimmy explained, deciding his clothes were still too wet to put on and the pair had already seen everything he had, so he might as well not bother, "and I use coconut dream shampoo to wash my clothes. I like the smell and it's a pretty effective detergent."

Shadow Stalker pulled back her hood and took off her mask, revealing an attractive black girl. "Sophia," she introduced herself.

"Jimmy," he said offering a hand.

Sophia grabbed his hand and bore down on it, but he only smiled. "Got some strength to you," she said with approval.

"Are you a cape?" Emma asked eagerly, while she tried and failed to subtly look him over, noting the scar on his forehead and on his right arm halfway between the elbow and shoulder.

"If I am, I have the weakest powers ever," he replied. "I jumped those guys because I have a mental problem, not because I'm a cape. If I know someone's in trouble, I can't not help them," he explained.

Sophia laughed. "Most people wouldn't consider that a mental problem."

"It's heroic," Emma said licking her lips and moving closer to him.

"It's a pain in my ass at times," Jimmy said with a sigh. "I've jumped into situations without thinking about it where it would have been better to let people work it out among themselves. I've gotten better about it, but it is what it is."

"If not for you two I don't even want to think about what would have happened to me," Emma said moving to his side. "Math problems?" she asked surprised.

"When I turn eighteen, I'm going to take the GED," he explained, "hard to get a decent job without one, so I study in my spare time, of which I have a lot."

"Sounds like a lot of work for a useless piece of paper," Sophia said with a frown.

"You're looking at it the wrong way," Jimmy said. "Anything you can't do yourself you are forced to rely on someone else to do for you. You are conceding power over your own life to someone else and trusting them to take care of that aspect."

"Seriously?" Sophia asked looking a little doubtful.

Realizing he had the girls' attention he explained, "If you can not cook for yourself, you are dependent on others to cook for you. If you can not protect yourself, you are relying on others to protect you. Every single task you can not perform you must have others perform for you. If you want to be independent, be your own person, you have to be able to rely on yourself."

"There aren't enough hours in the day to learn everything," Sophia said shaking her head.

Jimmy nodded. "True, but the more you know the more control over your own life you have and you don't need to be an expert to make sure someone you've hired is doing their job, you just have to be competent. You've heard about how celebrities were screwed over in contracts and lottery winners have gone broke."

"And?" Emma asked eagerly.

"And ignorance was their downfall," Jimmy explained. "They should have been on top of the world with their futures set, but because they couldn't understand contracts or do basic finance, they lost it all. The more you know the more power you have over your own life."

Jimmy suddenly found his seat a bit crowded as Sophia had squeezed in next to him and Emma was sitting on his lap.

"What are we learning today?" Sophia demanded.

"Didn't you two come here for some other reason?" Jimmy asked, trying not to focus on how good it felt to be squeezed in between them.

"Going to have Emma play spotter while you arrange a distraction, maybe jump a guy, but probably just set off some car alarms, while I do a snatch and grab with a little arson tossed in for flavor at an Empire stash house," Sophia explained. "Now make with the teaching. What are we learning?"

"Basic algebraic equations," Jimmy replied, deciding just to roll with it and wondering where his little speech had come from.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: Now if only the source material was this good without being depressing and full of terrible things happening to people over and over.**


	47. Connections 3

**Connections 3**

"That was easy," Emma said, sounding surprised.

"A lot easier than I was expecting," Sophia agreed.

"Easy on you, hard on me," Jimmy said dryly.

"Hard?" Emma jumped up face red, as she realized what he meant, she'd been so focused on what he'd been saying she'd completely blanked on the fact he'd been naked.

Sophia forced herself to get up slowly, ignoring the blush she was sporting.

"Maybe I should get dressed," Jimmy said. They'd been studying math for over an hour and he was pretty sure his clothes were dry by now.

"If you must," Sophia said, trying to sound casual and making Emma giggle.

Jimmy couldn't keep from snickering himself as he got dressed. "So, what's the plan?" he asked.

Sophia's grin was full of teeth. "Located an Empire stash house, not a big one, but one they keep at least two people guarding at all times. They try to keep things quiet, so if you can make some noise and draw them out, break some windows and duck into an alley, I can ghost in, rob the place and ghost out without them even knowing I was there."

"They probably have two shifts, though three would be smarter," Jimmy said. "If you know a good spot we can stake it out for a day and see. Maybe cause a fuss and see if they call in other people or handle it themselves, so there aren't any surprises."

"Good idea for a larger target, but this one is a simple in and out," Sophia argued, "and I'm the one taking all the risks."

"Your risk, your call," Jimmy agreed, making her smile.

"Doubt they're running four shifts, but even it they are two AM is the best time," Sophia explained, "cause I know they aren't running six."

"Yeah, I may be over preparing," Jimmy said. "Fine, I need a couple of good sized rocks, a brick, a paper bag and a quick visit to the park."

The two girls looked at him, confusion on their faces, but he just grinned.

 **1:55am**

Shadow Stalker and Emma laid flat on the tar and gravel roof of the three storey apartment building overlooking the duplex they were watching.

"Get ready, Jimmy's in position," Emma said before repeating her instructions, to make sure they were both on the same page and to settle her nerves, "I'll text when they take the bait, one text if they stay, two for if only one chases him, and three if he gets both. Any texts past that is a warning they're returning."

Shadow Stalker tapped her left breast to make sure the phone was in position. "Fuck yeah," she said excitedly before throwing herself off the building, her form turning into a shadow and sailing invisibly through the night sky.

Emma watched as Jimmy checked his watch, barely visible in the alley between two apartment complexes. As he stood up, she got out her phone and hit record, they were both going to want to see this later and it was good intel, she told herself with a grin.

Jimmy walked up to the front door of their target, pulled out a lighter, lit the paper bag he was holding on fire and set it on the welcome mat before pushing the doorbell and rushing back down the driveway, smashing a brick into the passenger side window of the car as he passed it, shattering the window, but not setting off an alarm.

The phone shook with laughter as Emma kept it pointed at their target. Two skinny white men with shaved heads rushed out the front door.

"What the fuck?!" the first skinhead shouted as he noticed the fire at their feet and they both instantly started stomping on it, trying to put it out and spreading the contents everywhere.

"What is that smell?" the second asked as they got the fire out and noticed the mess.

"It's shit!" the first one exclaimed disgusted and started looking around for who could have done it, quickly spotting the shattered side window on the car and the boy in the gray hoodie who cheerfully waved and started running.

The two immediately gave chase, rapidly gaining on him, but he had enough of a lead to duck into an alley and kick over a few cans to slow them down.

Emma stopped recording and sent a smile emoji to Shadow Stalker, waiting a moment before sending a second and then a third another second later as she watched for the Empire goons to return.

 **0o0o0o0o**

Jimmy laughed loudly, the sound echoing in the alley as he heard the two cuss and kick things out of the way as they chased after him.

He hung back a little to let them get closer as he turned and lead them down another alley, banging the lid of a dumpster before squeezing through a small gap in the tall wooden fence that lead to the backyard of an abandoned house.

He forced himself to take slow deep breaths, sweat beading on his face under the hockey mask he was wearing beneath the hood, making his nose itch as he listened for sounds of pursuit.

"He's not in the fucking dumpster and I don't see him anywhere!" one of the thugs yelled.

Jimmy kept still in the shadow of the house, its faded grey paint a half decent match for the sweats he was wearing that should allow him to escape detection as long as no one shined a light on him.

"There's a gap in the fence here," one of the two thugs called to the other, trying and failing to squeeze through.

Jimmy kept still… until the back porch light came on.

"What's going on here?" a cranky old man asked as he opened the back door of the poorly maintained, but apparently not abandoned, house.

"There he is!" the thug shouted, easily spotting Jimmy. He quickly yanked out a gun and brought it up to fire.

Jimmy wished fervently he was anywhere else but where he was as the muzzle raised. Suddenly he felt as if he was being squeezed into a narrow tunnel, he heard a gunshot, and everything was dark.

Jimmy frantically patted himself down, but he didn't feel any pain and as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he realized he was standing in the wheelroom of the tug.

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Emma heard the sound of a gunshot a block or so away and hoped that wasn't one of the Empire goons. She reminded herself that Jimmy had told her not to worry, he had prepared an escape route in advance and would meet them back at the tug, besides gunfire wasn't exactly rare in Brockton Bay.

The sound of gunfire in the opposite direction was actually comforting as she relaxed, sure that he'd gotten away as planned. Several minutes went by before the two returned, arguing loudly about something and stopping to pick up loose sheets of newspapers from the floor of the alley to wipe off their boots while she sent a frown emoji to Shadow Stalker, realized her job was done and waited for her friend to return.

"Psst," Shadow Stalker hissed just a few seconds later, making Emma jump, "I'm here, let's beat feet."

Emma crawled back from the edge before getting up and looking at her. Shadow Stalker had a duffel bag on her back and was holding out a hand for Emma to grab so she could ghost them back to the ground. "No problems?" Emma whispered.

"Nah," Stalker said with a grin, "snuck up on the guard they'd left behind, knocked him the fuck out, and cleaned them out."

Emma was surprised to hear there had been a third person in there, but was unsurprised that Stalker had been skilled enough to handle things. She grinned as the world took on a sharper contrast and Stalker pulled her along into her shadow world.

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Jimmy piled the grey sweats and hockey mask on the counter and went down to the engine room to rinse off the sweat, making sure to bring along his sliced up shirt and boxers. The last thing he needed was to have the girls walk in on him naked again.

He easily found his way through the dark halls by touch, used to the dim and sometimes completely absent light. He placed his things on the bench and quickly entered the water. The water felt like it was freezing cold as he ducked under it before quickly resurfacing, shivering, and wiping himself down to get all the water off. He quickly got dressed and climbed up the stairs back to the wheel room.

"I need some lights in here," Jimmy said before yawning. He sat down in his favorite seat and closed his eyes for a moment.

"He's wearing clothes," Sophia said, startling him awake.

Jimmy blinked in the light from Emma's phone. "We should probably take this downstairs," he said while stretching, "I don't want the light attracting attention to this place."

"What is downstairs?" Emma asked curiously.

"Below decks," Sophia corrected the two.

"That too," Jimmy agreed, "but since this tug has been beached and the engine room is actually missing, it's more a building than not."

He led them down the stairs and into a cabin. It wasn't a large room, about half the size of the wheel room and a third of that was the bed. There was a porthole on the left-hand side of the room, covered by cardboard that had been cut to fit.

Sophia tossed her duffel bag on the bed. "Surprised you don't sleep here," she said, as she unzipped it.

"There's only one way out and do you see the patch of tape on the wall?" Jimmy asked as he flipped a switch on a battery-operated light that lit up the room.

"Yeah?" Emma replied, turning off her phone.

"A cape was testing his powers," Jimmy said, "I was sitting at the desk at the time."

"Ouch," Emma said with a wince, realizing how close he'd come to getting hit.

"And here is our take for the night," Sophia said proudly as she dumped out the bag, revealing bundles of cash and a number of leather billfolds.

"Billfolds?" Jimmy said curiously before picking one up and examining the contents. "Oh!"

"Oh?" Emma repeated as she picked one up and looked inside. "IDs without pictures and gift cards?"

"So, they can slot in their own pictures and the gift cards can be used to buy things to fill out their cover without leaving a paper trail," Jimmy explained. "Looks like the stash house was in case they had to have somebody do some traveling, for one reason or another, without being connected to the Empire."

"What do we do with them?" Emma asked.

"Doubt we know anyone safe to fence them to, so drop them off with the police," Jimmy suggested. "It'd keep them from using those IDs in the future, which probably cost them a mint to set up."

"Half the cash is foreign," Sophia said, annoyed.

"Yeah, you can exchange it at the bank, but I'd hold off on that for a while, as any Empire sympathizers at the bank would tip them off as to who was exchanging European currency in suspicious amounts," he said as he examined a bundle.

"Too much to spend all at once anyway," Sophia said, pleased that it was still worth something.

"This is a lot of money," Emma said in wonder.

"Yeah," Jimmy agreed, "but we can't exactly flash it around or go buying out the shops, because that sends up all sorts of red flags to the cops, the capes, and the IRS."

"But we could buy some new gear," Sophia said with a grin, "some decent weapons and costumes to start."

"Yeah, the grey sweats let you blend in, but heroes need to stand out. If you aren't instantly identifiable on sight you could draw friendly fire."

"It also helps the villains realize how fucked they are," Sophia added with a grin.

"Where do capes buy their gear?" Emma asked.

"No clue," Sophia admitted. "Any ideas?" she asked Jimmy.

"Easiest way is to ask one of the independent heroes or rogues," he said, "they have to buy their own, so they would know."

"There are a lot of verified capes on PHO," Emma said, "I could make a throw away account and use one of the school computer to ask around."

"Works for me," Sophia said with a nod. "How do we split this up?" she gestured to their take.

"Half to you, since you were at the most risk," Jimmy suggested, "a quarter to the spotter and distraction."

"You were in a bit more danger than I was," Sophia pointed out, "all I had to do was knock out one idiot, you had to deal with two who were chasing you."

"Turned out to be easy," Jimmy said, deciding that if they were going to be friends, he'd have to trust them. "Rile them up, lure them off, teleport back here."

"Teleport?" Sophia said with a slowly growing grin. "Hah, knew you were a cape!"

"I knew I was a cape too," Jimmy agreed, "I just thought all I could do was turn people's hair blue when I was pissed off."

"You have more than one power?" Emma asked.

"When I'm angry I turn people's hair blue and when I'm about to wet myself staring down the barrel of a gun I can teleport," Jimmy said.

"Better than the other way around," Sophia offered, making him laugh.

"I wonder what other emotions do," Emma said thoughtfully.

"Fight or flight are the two strongest," Sophia said, "but since it's powers it might be something else altogether. Could be you can do either whenever you get emotional or you develop them based on what you need at the moment. Powers are weird. I had to look up a lot of things after I triggered, to get a handle on it."

"Triggered?" Jimmy asked.

"All capes get powers after having the worst day of their life, unless one of their parents was a cape, then they can trigger from just having a really bad day," Sophia said visibly uncomfortable with the topic.

"Huh," Jimmy said. "Lost my parents in a car accident, the same one that gave me this scar, so I can't ask them." He tapped his forehead.

"You could have triggered then," Emma pointed out.

"Nah, I was pretty numb," Jimmy replied, "and my parents seemed more resigned than anything, possibly even amused. They told me to run and hide as there was a battle between a couple of gangs going on around us."

"Sounds like capes," Sophia offered, "so I'm guessing you're second gen, probably from the UK since you still got a bit of an accent."

"You're probably right," Jimmy said with a nod.

"So, your powers could be anything," Emma said. "How do you test something like that?"

"Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks," Sophia said, trying to move things onto a lighter topic. "We can test that out once we get a place."

"We?" Jimmy asked.

"Need a place to crash now and then," Sophia explained. "Mom knows what I'm doing, but doesn't want my little sister to get caught up in it, so I need to keep some stuff someplace else and be able to sleep during the day, so I'm not tired at work, mostly on the weekends."

"Sounds good," Jimmy agreed. "Got some place in mind?"

"Depends," Sophia said, "do you like dogs?"

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**


	48. Sons and Daughters of Sineya

"I need a vacation," Buffy said with a groan as she collapsed into a chair.

Xander looked across the table. "I'd invite you to visit Narnia with me, but you'd probably take it the wrong way."

"Is that some kind of weird come on?" Buffy asked confused.

Xander nodded. "As I said." He returned to reading the tome Willow had handed him.

Buffy looked at Willow who shrugged. "He's invited me a couple of times when we were younger, but I'd already grown out of make believe."

Giles sighed. "Normally I wouldn't ask, as I'll no doubt regret it, but how is Narnia used in this context?"

"Well," Xander said, "you can stay there for years and return to the moment you left, so it's perfect for taking a week off or even just catching a quick ten-hour nap before school."

Buffy and Willow just stared at Xander, wondering if he was serious.

"He never seems to lose any sleep even when we are up all night researching," Willow said thoughtfully. "I just figured he was the rare person who didn't need a lot of sleep."

"Are you saying you actually have a wardrobe that leads to Narnia?" Buffy asked Xander.

Xander stopped reading, looked Buffy dead in the eyes and nodded. "It's how I accepted vampires and all the rest so easily and why I take woodshop."

"What does woodshop have to do with anything?" Willow asked, still unsure if Xander was pulling an elaborate prank or not.

"Well, the wardrobe leads into a snowy forest and I didn't want to sleep on the ground. I used to use a tent, but the talking animals are a pain in the ass, always trying to help me get somewhere safer, plus it is really cold," he explained, "so I had to make something warmer and more durable."

"So, what? You made a log cabin?" Buffy asked.

"Made one years ago, upgraded to more of a stone igloo the year before last and finally got a proper cottage done last year," Xander finished.

"So, you have a wardrobe that leads you into a land of eternal winter filled with intelligent, talking animals and you never told anyone?" Giles asked.

"I told Jesse and Willow," Xander replied. "No one was ever interested in going."

"And you built a cottage there," Giles said, "which you only use to catch up on missed sleep?"

"I use it for more than that," Xander said. "I also use it to catch up on schoolwork, heal up bruises or sprains, and for when I just need a break."

"I thought you healed abnormally fast," Giles said thoughtfully.

"You have a wardrobe to Narnia," Buffy said in disbelief.

"Yes, as I've said," Xander reminded her.

"And you've never mentioned it," Buffy said with a frown.

"I told you just now and you thought I was hitting on you," Xander reminded her. "No one's ever wanted to go, so I stopped bringing it up."

"You actually have a wardrobe that leads to Narnia or something close to it, no one believed you, so you stopped mentioning it," Buffy said to herself.

"It's Narnia," Xander assured her, "the otter mentioned it by name when he was waking me up one morning begging me to go to one guy's house where I would be safe. Naturally I told him to fuck off."

"It's still winter, so the evil queen is still alive?" Willow asked.

"Alive and kicking," Xander agreed, "but I'm not the child of Adam they are looking for, nor do I have brothers and sisters to bring with me, so I've left it alone."

"Isn't it dangerous?" Giles asked concerned.

"Not really," Xander said, "the most you run into in the forest is one of the wolves who work for her and they don't like dog mace at all."

"So, every day when you go home you duck into Narnia, bed down in your cabin, sleep for eight hours and then come back and go to school," Giles said.

"I also do my homework and relax a bit," Xander added.

"All this time I could've just asked to go with you to Narnia and we could have spent a week together in a winter wonderland," Willow said with a groan, realizing what she'd passed up.

"Bed would have been a bit crowded," Xander said, "I only just got a king size mattress put in last summer."

Willow turned red and her eyes lost focus.

"So, if I wanted to take a week off, like right now, you'd take me to Narnia?" Buffy asked.

"Sure," Xander agreed perking up at the thought of being able to show off his cottage. "Just remember to bring a change of clothes and food and drink, because there is no Quick-E-Mart in Narnia."

"How about I order a couple of large pizzas and we grab some coke," Buffy suggested. "I can wear some sweats and get some sleep. That should work for a night, we can plan for longer trips later."

"And me!" Willow exclaimed, not wanting to be left out.

"Grab some decent footwear too," Xander said, "it's not far to my cottage, but you at least need sturdy sneakers for walking through the forest."

"Already got some on," Buffy said, "Giles got me some steel toed boots so I wouldn't ruin my nice shoes." She leaned back and lifted up a foot to show she had on some low-rise hiking boots.

"I'm wearing sneakers," Willow said quickly, not even trying to match Buffy's flexibility, as she was pretty sure she'd hurt something, "and I can grab sweats from my locker."

"Excellent," Xander said with an excited smile. "Sneak up my trellis when you guys are ready, all my stuff is in my room." He hopped to his feet and packed everything into his backpack. "I'll return this later," he told Giles waving the leather-bound book he'd been reading and shoved it into his backpack as well.

Once Xander was gone Buffy turned to Willow. "Sure it's not a prank?" she asked.

Willow shook her head. "He's acting too serious and he really has asked me to go to Narnia before."

"In that case, let's go get our gym clothes and order some pizza and soda," Buffy said, "cause I hear the siren call of twelve straight hours of sleep!"

 **0o0o0o0o0o**

Xander looked around his room and started straightening things up, stuffing dirty clothes in the hamper and straightening his bed. Willow's room was always neat as a pin, but he could at least get his somewhat close to Buffy's with her pile of shoes and magazines lying about.

The thought of magazines had him quickly looking about for any errant playboys that might be laying out. Thankfully there only appeared to be a couple and they were easily dealt with as he stuck them under a stack of comics.

He glanced down at his floor and decided it may need to be vacuumed, but he didn't have the time for that at the moment. He grabbed a sock out of his hamper and wiped the dust off his bookcase and dresser, before tossing it back.

He looked around. "Okay, looks good. What am I forgetting?"

Willow ducked in the window followed by Buffy, who was carrying a small stack of pizza boxes and a backpack.

"Hopefully not us," Buffy said.

"Jackets," Xander said as he looked at the two.

"What?" Willow asked.

"Jackets, it's winter over there with a capital W," he said. "I have some old jackets you can wear, but your legs are going to get cold." He eyed the short skirt Buffy had on.

"Yeah, didn't think about that," Buffy admitted, before setting the pizzas down and digging in her backpack for her sweatpants.

Xander opened the wardrobe while Buffy pulled on her sweatpants under her skirt and pulled out a pair of old navy pea coats. "Put these on."

The two girls took off their backpacks and put on the heavy wool coats, before loosening the straps on their backpacks to fit over them.

"I am swimming in this," Buffy said, "it's practically a tent."

"Yeah, but they're really warm," Xander said as he put one on himself and pushed the rest of the jackets to the sides of the wardrobe. "They come with the wardrobe and have really come in handy."

Buffy picked up the stack of pizzas. "Lead on."

Xander grabbed his backpack off the bed and lead them into the wardrobe, the girls cautiously following him.

The darkness of the wardrobe quickly gave way to the light of a setting sun showing through the trees and the two girls looked around them in wonder.

Willow turned around and saw the wardrobe was gone, but the shadows between two large pines behind them looked deeper than they should and both trees were marked with an X carved into the bark. "We're in Narnia," she said in wonder, her breath clouding in the air.

"And it's cold," Buffy said, passing the pizzas to Xander so she'd have her arms free in case any wolves showed up.

"It's winter," Xander said, "with a capital W, now follow me." He set off with sure steps and a bright smile, the two hurrying after him.

"Why not build the cottage around the entrance?" Willow asked as she looked around and noticed someone had carved slashes on the trees at eye level along the path they were following.

"Because I wanted running water," Xander replied. "I am not dealing with an outhouse if I can help it and you would not believe how heavy a toilet actually is, but I managed to install one."

"So, you built it next to a river?" Buffy guessed.

"Yep," Xander said proudly. "It took nearly a year of carrying in bricks and cinder blocks, to say nothing of bags of cement, but I managed to make myself a place with a modern bathroom and a shower. The shower is cold as hell, because even if I could carry in a water heater there aren't any gas lines to connect it to, but I have one."

"I thought all your interest in home repair was because you wanted to fix things, not build them," Willow said, hurrying to match Xander's brisk pace.

"Actually, I discovered I liked being able to fix things," Xander said, "but the original reason was so I could build this."

The ground sloped downwards as they turned to the right, following the markings on the trees and the sounds of falling water could be heard.

"Did you build it in a cave under a waterfall?!" Buffy asked excitedly.

"I'd have died of pneumonia if I did that," Xander said, "besides the waterfall isn't that big."

The trees gave way to open ground and they reached the banks of a river. Turning upstream they could see a small waterfall, maybe a dozen feet high, and a door set into a hillside between a pair of mismatched circular windows set at head height.

"Port holes?" Willow asked curiously as they approached.

"I needed sturdy glass, so I scrounged them off a couple of boats," Xander replied. "It's hard to relax if you're worried about wolves breaking in, in the middle of the night." He passed the pizzas to Willow when they reached the door.

"How did you deal with them before you got everything built?" Buffy asked as Xander took out a ring of keys and unlocked three deadbolts, one on the top of the door and two more along the side near the top and bottom.

"Made a nest in the trees until I got something strong enough to keep them out while I woke up," Xander replied as he braced his shoulder against the door and shoved, causing it to slowly open.

The two girls quickly pushed past him, eager to get inside, while Xander pushed the door shut, re-locked it and then barred it with a pair of four by fours.

"Lights?" Buffy requested as the place was nearly pitch black with the door closed.

Xander walked over to a table and turned on an electric lamp, illuminating the room.

The room was about the size of Buffy's living room with a king size bed on one side and a beat-up wooden table in the center. There was a fireplace opposite the bed and two doorways leading off the back wall, the walls were made of cinderblocks and there were bookshelves everywhere!

"I never took you for a reader," Buffy said as Willow set the pizzas on the table and they started poking around.

Xander stacked wood in the fireplace and stuffed a handful of wadded up paper under it. "There are really only two things to do here when you're all alone."

Buffy grinned and Willow blushed.

Xander grabbed a box of matches off one of the shelves and lit the fireplace. "Sleeping and reading," he finished as he poked the paper and made sure it caught.

Willow scolded herself for having a dirty mind while Buffy just smirked as she discovered a stack of old Playboy magazines on a shelf.

"The doorway to the left leads to the storage room, and the one to the right the bathroom, though I'll warn you now the toilet seat is cold as hell," he said, warming himself in front of the slowly growing fire.

"I can't believe you made all this," Willow said, joining Xander in front of the fire as the place while warmer than outside was still pretty cold.

"There was a good sized cave, which helped a lot," Xander said, "plus the floor isn't as smooth as I'd like it."

Buffy examined the cement floor, seeing the uneven sections and ripples in the concrete. "Looks better than what I can do," she offered, before opening up a pizza box and wolfing down a slice. "What's the sleeping situation? Because after I check the bathroom, I'm going to be sleeping for days!"

"It's a big bed and there are plenty of pillows and blankets, you just have to share the space," Xander said.

"Works for me," Buffy said, pulling a two liter of soda from her backpack and setting it on the table.

"You'll have to take the lantern to the bathroom, but there's more than enough light from the fireplace that you won't be leaving us in the dark," he pointed out.

Buffy took a swig from the bottle. "Excellent, then I'm going to go change."

"I can't believe you had a door to Narnia and I never listened," Willow said. "It would have been so great to just hang out and read for a couple days in the middle of the week!"

Xander grinned. "Yeah. I considered simply picking you up and carrying you through the wardrobe a time or two, but it just seemed wrong somehow."

Willow giggled. "I wouldn't have minded."

"Cold!" Buffy squealed, from the bathroom.

"There's no door to the bathroom, but I build it farther in, so I wouldn't have to buy so many pipes to connect it to the water," he explained, "so it's got plenty of privacy, but is a bit harder to heat. Plus, as I mentioned, the water is always cold."

"The fact that you have water at all is amazing," Willow said. "I mean, this entire place is amazing. I really regret not listening to you, I could have helped build it." Willow stepped closer to Xander and slipped an arm around his waist. She could just picture the two of them alone together for days at a time…

Xander put his arm around Willow and she leaned into him as they watched the fire in comfortable silence.

"You really understated how cold the toilet was," Buffy said as she returned dressed in sweats and set the lantern on the table along with a pile of clothes and her shoes, stepping quickly as she was only wearing a couple of pairs of socks and the cement floor was ice cold.

"It wakes you up quick," Xander said with a grin as Buffy checked the door and smiled. "Solid."

"Solid all the way through with a metal core," Xander said proudly. "Got it from a house they never finished building before the owner met with an 'accident'. I used it as a sledge to bring in the bed."

"We really are safe here," Buffy said, wonder in her tone.

"Completely," Xander agreed, sensing she needed something more. "The cinder blocks that make up the walls are filled with concrete and rebar. This isn't the Hellmouth, it's as far as you can get from a Hellmouth, but I still built this place like it was. You'd need a bank vault to be safer."

Buffy beamed and bounced over to the bed, where she started straightening it up and fluffing the pillows before climbing in and snuggling down, "I'm going to sleep forever!"

"We'll probably be joining you in a couple of hours," Xander warned her.

"Hands above the waist and I get the center," Buffy said, causing the two to stare at her wide eyed. "Night!" she called out, eyes already closed.

Willow and Xander looked at each other.

"I thought she'd insist I sleep in the middle," Willow said.

"She must really be tired," Xander offered.

"And the bed's kinda chilly," Buffy called out.

The two laughed and Xander retrieved a couple of chairs from the table along with a pizza and a two liter. "Bon appetit," he said.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **AN: In Wood it Work, the gang are preteens pre-Buffy trying to reach Narnia, which I'm not sure they will ever do, but people keep asking when they will reach it. It made me think of what would have happened if Xander had found his way to Narnia. Just because he found it doesn't mean anyone would believe him and with its nature you couldn't force anyone to come through the gate or provide proof, they had to be willing to believe. Xander knows how the story goes and doesn't have a big enough ego to believe he could take the place of the four children destined to end winter, so he would make his own little niche in the world and take full advantage of it, while avoiding any attempts to make him part of the plot.**

 **As for Buffy… Buffy has been under a lot of stress since she became the slayer and it started in her dreams, so not even being at home snuggled in bed was safe, but here she is far from Sunnydale and the constant fight to keep humanity safe and since time doesn't pass she doesn't even have to worry about what's going on at home or feel guilty about taking time off. This is the first good night's sleep she's had since she was fourteen.**

 **TN: Nice story so far, and yeah, can totally see Willow disregarding Xander's claims since she would think she's too mature, and he was just playing pretend, plus the fact he's never been gone long. And not sure what the future ratings will be, but I'm honestly half expecting if there's another chapter, whoever wakes up first is going to find that it was Buffy's hands that wandered below the waist and Willow being half asleep holding Buffy somewhere and realizing she likes that sensation, with a 50/50 chance of Buffy holding the hand in place herself in her sleep.**


	49. Sons and Daughters of Sineya 2

"We should have brought marshmallows," Willow said.

"I probably have some in the store room, but good luck finding them," Xander said. He took off his jacket as the room had warmed up enough for it to be comfortable in front of the fire.

Willow quickly followed suit, scooting closer to Xander and pulling his arm around her. "Messy back room?" she guessed, snuggling into his side.

"Just cluttered and unsorted," Xander replied with a smile. "I tend to store a lot of stuff back there, since I never know what will come in handy."

"I'll help you sort it later," Willow said, laying her head on his shoulder.

"It's a pretty big job," Xander warned.

"We've got time," Willow said happily. Normally she'd be worrying about getting her homework handed in and making sure she got to sleep on time, but Narnia wasn't connected to their clock, so she could relax. It was a pretty heady feeling for the scholastically driven red head.

"Which is why I love this place," Xander said, "Plenty of time to slack off."

Willow giggled. "Slacker heaven."

Xander yawned before getting up and poking the fire with a fireplace poker and placing a couple of logs on top. "That should keep this place comfortable for a while."

Willow yawned as well, already missing the warmth of him by her side. "I'm going to change into my gym clothes and crawl into bed."

"Good idea," Xander agreed as he sat back down and untied his shoes. "I think I'll just stick to boxers and a shirt."

Willow got up and grabbed her backpack, forcing herself not to watch as Xander took off his pants, though it was a struggle. She quickly vanished into the bathroom.

Xander folded his pants and left them on the chair, unbuttoning his shirt and dropping it on them. He left on his socks to keep his feet warm and stretched before letting out an enormous yawn and turned to the bed.

Buffy was fast asleep, the diminutive blonde barely a lump in the massive pile of blankets and pillows on the bed, with the top of her head poking out.

Xander slid under the covers, finding them nice and warm. He was careful not to crowd Buffy as he got comfortable.

"That bathroom is really cold," Willow said as she returned and set her backpack and clothes on her chair.

Xander couldn't help but stare as Willow stretched in front of the fire. She was wearing a white shirt and blue shorts, both of which looked a size too small. It struck him that he hadn't realized she had legs before. Well, of course she had legs, but these were legs!

"I thought you were going to wear sweats," Xander whispered as she climbed into bed on the other side of Buffy.

"Too heavy to sleep in," Willow whispered back. "Fortunately I had my old gym clothes from eighth grade in my locker."

"Yeah," Xander agreed, as the bed shifted with her movements, as Willow tried to get comfortable without bumping into Buffy, "fortunate."

Buffy quickly solved that problem as all the wiggling woke her up just enough for her to pull Willow against her and snuggle back into Xander so they were all spooned up.

"Night," Xander whispered.

"Night," Willow responded and the two closed their eyes and tried to fall asleep. Surprisingly they both dozed off within just a few moments.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

A lone hunter stalked through the grasslands, the sun beating down overhead. Recent rains had caused the foliage to grow thicker than she was used to, but her quarry left huge clawed tracks in the moist earth, ones easily the size of her head.

Most threats to her people took care to hide their tracks, this one seemed not to care. She followed it into the deeper grass of the plains.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Buffy slowly woke up, her dream swiftly fading. She was warm and comfortable, situated between Xander and Willow, their scent filling her nose as she breathed in. It was a comforting smell. She found her arms were wrapped around them both and someone had their hand cupping her crotch.

"Best sleep ever," she said aloud, causing the two to stir.

"Um," Willow muttered nervously and pulled her hand out of Buffy's pants.

Buffy giggled. "And here I thought Xander would be the one getting handsy."

Willow tried to pull away, but Buffy's arm refused to release her. "Sorry," she apologized, red faced.

"You should be," Buffy teased, "and your punishment is to continue cuddling."

"That's pretty tame as far as punishments go," Willow noted.

"Well I'm warm and comfy," Buffy said, "And I don't plan on moving until I have to pee."

Xander mumbled and shifted a little, his right arm moving to pull Willow closer so they were both squishing Buffy between them. He woke up enough to take in his current position and decided it was good. "Morning," he muttered and gave the two a squeeze.

"What time is it?" Willow asked curiously.

"It's now," Xander said. "Time doesn't exist, it's just now."

"Time doesn't exist?" Willow asked, confused. "When did that happen?"

"Just now," Buffy replied with a giggle as Xander finally came fully awake.

"It's always now," Xander said, "Sunnydale time doesn't change while we're here."

"This place is perfect," Buffy said.

"Say that after you take a shower," Xander joked. "It's very, very cold water. After a shower I feel like I've gone through puberty in reverse."

The girls giggled.

"It really wakes you up," Xander said, "but you get used to it."

"Tonight I get the middle spot," Willow said.

"How come you get the middle spot?" Buffy asked with a pout.

"Cause I'm calling it, just like you did last night," Willow said.

"And what if I want the middle spot?" Xander teased.

"Then you'd have to call it," Willow said, "and I already did."

"Fine, then I'm voting on a strict rotation," Xander said, "so we each take turns."

"I second that," Buffy agreed. "First night is mine, second is Willow's, and third is Xander's. All in favor?"

"Aye!" they chorused before bursting out laughing.

"Wait," Willow said, "is that per visit or night spent here?" At their confused looks she explained, "I mean do we have a strict rotation or does it reset every visit?"

"It resets," Buffy said, "so we're just going to have to stay at least three nights every visit."

"I…" Xander's voice trailed off for a moment. "Actually that's a pretty good deal," he decided, looking forward to spending so much time with them.

"What if we switched spots in the middle of the night?" Willow asked. "I mean, if someone gets up to use the bathroom and they come back, trying to squeeze back in the middle could be awkward."

"Pee before you get in bed," Buffy suggested, "and the rule only counts for when we go to sleep, waking up is another matter."

"Good, I'm claiming the middle," Xander decided and tried to climb over Buffy who tightened her grip on Willow so he couldn't slide between them and the three wrestled for a minute amidst a lot of giggling until Xander admitted defeat, lying on top of both of them. "This is comfy," Xander said. "I'm not crushing you guys am I?"

"Nah, only half your weight is on me," Buffy said. "You are just a big extra blanket."

Willow blushed but didn't say anything, just laying there smiling.

"You guys make a comfortable mattress," Xander said with a grin.

"We aim to please," Buffy said. "Now, who wants to get me a piece of pizza?"

"That would require moving," Willow said smugly, "and sadly I am completely pinned down."

Buffy grinned. "Oh, Xander…"

"Hold on, let me see if I've developed telekinesis in the last five minutes," Xander said as he wrinkled his brow and seemed to be concentrating.

After a few seconds Buffy rolled her eyes. "Don't think you've got it, Xan."

"Shhh, you're breaking my concentration," Xander said as seriously as possible while trying not to smile. "I almost had it."

Buffy waited, wondering what Xander was up to for a minute before it hit her. "You're just stalling, hoping I'll get impatient and get up."

Xander opened his eyes and looked at her, slapping a surprised look on his face. "Have you developed telepathy?!"

Willow giggled as Buffy lost patience and began tickling Xander before a free for all broke out and everyone tickled everyone else. When it was all over Xander actually did manage to get in between them and now they were laying on him as all three panted for breath.

"We're going to starve to death, aren't we?" Buffy asked as solemnly as possible.

"I'm afraid so," Willow said just as solemnly. "It looks like we're doomed."

"If only there were some big, strong man to save us," Buffy said melodramatically.

Xander grinned knowing they were just messing with him now. "I'm willing to try telekinesis again, why don't you two try as well?"

Buffy stuck her tongue out at him.

"Come on, give it a shot," Xander said. "Who knows, maybe it will work!"

He glared at the pizza across the dimly lit room.

"Fine, but if that fails you have to get up and retrieve the pizza," Buffy said.

"Alright," Xander agreed, knowing he was going to end up getting the pizza but putting it off as long as possible," but you two have to actually try and see if you've developed telekinetic powers in the last five minutes."

"Okay, on the count of three," Willow agreed. "One, two, three…"

The three glared at the pizza with looks of intense concentration on their faces and after a second it inched slightly towards them. All three stared wide eyed.

"I didn't just imagine that, did I?" Willow asked.

"If you did, so did I," Xander assured her.

"I think we moved the pizza… about a centimeter," Buffy said, after a few seconds of silence she added, "and it's still out of reach, so…"

Xander turned to look Buffy in the eyes. "We just made an object move by our will alone and you're more concerned with pizza than trying it out?!"

"It's pizza," Buffy said, "and I'm hungry."

"Okay, fair point," Xander conceded. "Fine, I'll get up and get the pizza, but I'm accidentally groping you both on the way out of bed."

"In that case grab the soda too," Buffy said.

Xander grinned and slid out from under Buffy and Willow, both yelping as his hands took brief liberties to get them to move. He yelped and practically leapt out of bed as someone goosed him.

"Cold!" he complained as the two girls huddled together under the blanket with matching smirks. He hurried over to the fireplace and tossed a couple more logs on the fire, before snatching up an unopened pizza box, a two liter, and dashing back.

Willow held up the edge of the blanket so he could get in on her side as he dropped them on the covers and practically dove in.

"My hero," Buffy said with a smile, opening the box and snatching up a piece of cold pizza.

"Does it count as heroic if there's groping involved?" Willow asked.

"It got us pizza and we didn't have to get out of bed," Buffy pointed out, "so I'd say yes, if just to encourage him to do it again."

"Good idea," Willow said, pulling Xander tightly against her, surprised she was being so forward. "My hero!"

"Heroic Xander, that's me," Xander joked as Willow wiggled against him, getting situated as he warmed back up.

"How long does it take for the room to heat up in the morning?" Buffy asked, noting how the room brightened up as the logs caught.

"An hour or so," Xander guessed, grabbing a slice for himself as he realized he was hungry.

"I really wish I'd listened to you years ago," Willow said, "this is awesome!"

"Thanks," Xander said, "I am proud of this place."

"I think she means being able to spend time away from the Hellmouth with friends," Buffy said, "though your cottage is amazing. I had no idea you could build something like this."

"You should have seen some of my early attempts," Xander said, "but thankfully I found some really good books on basic construction and outdoor living that made it loads easier."

"How much time have you spent here?" Buffy asked curiously.

Xander considered her question and tried to puzzle it aloud, "Let's see… about two to twelve hours a day every day or two since I was twelve or thirteen… makes it… a lot. I've spent a lot of time here. Thankfully it doesn't seem to make me older or anything, just like in the books."

"How is it the books are written about the White Witch being defeated decades ago and she's still undefeated now?" Willow asked.

"My guess is that this Narnia has more than one entrance and it's still waiting for the kids to show up from their world," Xander replied. "From what I can gather it's still pretty early in the story, so I'm staying out of it. I know what's going to happen and I'm not going to screw that up."

"And if you're wrong?" Buffy asked.

"Sniper rifle," Xander replied instantly. "I can get modern firearms and train some of the animals. If they can wield swords, they can throw grenades, but I'm not going to interfere unless I have to. For the most part it's a cold war, no pun intended, with little actual fighting. Think occupied France during World War Two. Of course I could be wrong and it's a seasonal thing, where each side takes over from the other and it goes back and forth. There's also the possibility that this place is set up to run whoever shows up through the same adventure, like a magical mystery tour, and it all resets."

"Spent some time thinking about it?" Willow asked.

"I've had plenty of time to do it," Xander agreed. "My first thought was to grab you and Jesse and then we'd pick up a fourth and become Kings and Queens just like in the books, but that didn't work out like I thought it would, so I decided to just make my own place and take a wait and see approach."

"Makes sense," Buffy agreed. "If you were really the chosen one, they'd bust down your door and drag you off. Trust me, I know."

Hearing the exhaustion in Buffy's voice, Xander pulled her into a hug, squishing Willow between them, "Exactly, and here you aren't the chosen one, daughter of Eve. You are just my friend Buffy who gets too little sleep."

"Thanks," Buffy said, sounding relaxed once more, her worries forgotten. "You know if you'd told me yesterday that I'd be in a cottage in the woods, spooned up with my best friends eating cold pizza, I'd have thought you were high, but I gotta say, I'm hoping to do this a lot."

"Me too!" Willow quickly agreed. "Though I do want to bring some more lights and maybe a sofa for in front of the fireplace."

"Find one that can fit through the wardrobe and I'll carry it," Xander offered, "though we may have better luck building our own and just bringing the cushions for one."

"Or we could just get a bunch of cushions and a rug," Buffy said. "We can build a big nest of blankets and cushions."

"Also good," Willow said.

"You really just sleep and read?" Buffy asked Xander.

"And build," Xander said. "No TV or videogames, but then I come here to relax and chill."

"Well, you certainly have enough books," Buffy said, looking at all the shelves.

"Books, comics, and magazines," Xander said.

"Magazines?" Buffy asked with a smirk.

"Okay, skip the magazines," Xander said, embarrassed.

"I'd like to read some magazines," Willow said 'innocently', trying not to laugh.

"I hear they have great articles," Buffy agreed before Xander started tickling her.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: "Find one that can fit through the wardrobe and I'll carry it," Xander offered.**

 **That's what Ikea is for. That, and beanbag chairs.**


	50. Sons and Daughters of Sineya 3

**Sons and Daughters of Sineya 3**

 **Part 1: ANYASEMF Ch48**

 **Part 2: ANYASEMF Ch49**

"As much fun as this is, I need my morning shower," Buffy reluctantly said. "How does the shower work anyway? I mean, I looked in, but it's stone everywhere and no drain on the floor and a weird nozzle thing on the ceiling."

"The floor slopes a little to the side so the water drains through a thin crack where the wall meets the floor," Xander explained, "and the nozzle is an old firehose nozzle. Push up to stop the water, pull down to turn it on."

"It's kinda up there," Buffy said with a frown.

"Yeah, it's built for people my height," Xander said, "and I'll warn you again, it's fresh ice melt, about as far from warm as you can get."

"I can probably jump up and reach it," Buffy said thoughtfully. "Towels?"

"Air dry," Xander replied. "The water is so cold that just stepping out warms you up and I usually just drip dry in front of the fire."

"Wow," Buffy said shaking her head, "you really don't have any privacy here."

"Actually, I have a lot of privacy here," Xander replied, "we are the only humans."

"What about Santa?" Willow asked. "Oh my goodness, I just realized, Santa is real here!"

"And not human," Xander said, "a jolly old elf is he."

"Oh yeah," Willow said, "but still… Santa."

"He ever drop off any presents?" Buffy asked curiously.

"Not even coal," Xander replied. "Not sure if it's because of the way I built this place or because I'm not part of the cult."

"Cult?" Buffy asked with a grin, knowing this was going to be good from the way Willow groaned and buried her head underneath the covers.

"Cult," Xander said firmly. "There are a bunch of rituals you have to perform, like the sacrifice of milk and cookies, not to mention the decorating of a pine tree. It's all very cult like."

Buffy pulled the covers from over Willow's head. "Any comments?"

"He's technically correct and it was originally a pagan tradition, but it's not a cult," Willow argued.

"Sacrificial offerings, seasonal rituals, chanting," Xander listed off with a grin.

"Chanting?" Buffy interrupted.

"Christmas carolers," Willow answered.

"Not to mention the plethora of Christmas songs," Xander added.

"It is kinda cult like," Buffy agreed, amused.

"And it's a cult I'm not a part of," Xander replied, "thus no presents."

"His parents don't really celebrate it and I'm Jewish," Willow added, "though getting presents from Santa would be really cool."

Buffy was a bit surprised Xander didn't celebrate it but decided it would be rude to ask why so she changed the subject, "Back to showers. How do we handle this?"

"You take a shower, making all kinds of squeals and curses that makes sure Santa will never visit," Xander teased, "and then you stand naked in front of the fire while I pretend not to look."

Buffy stared at the ceiling and weighed her options.

"You're seriously considering it?" Willow asked in disbelief.

"Xander has saved my life," Buffy told her, "that gives him almost as many brownie points as putting up with me when I am being a complete bitch."

"Almost?" Xander asked surprised.

Buffy shrugged. "I'm a bitch a lot more often than I am in danger of dying," she admitted, "it adds up."

"You may be a bit touchy at times, but you're rarely that bad," Xander assured her.

Buffy pulled them both close, closing her eyes and enjoying the warmth. "You guys put up with me even when I'm being a bad friend and that means a lot to me."

"We love you too, Buffy," Xander said, squeezing the two.

"No telling people you've seen me naked," Buffy told Xander, deciding she would air dry in front of the fire.

"I don't exactly hang out with anyone but you two," Xander pointed out, "and bragging to Willow would backfire, as she can top it."

Willow puffed out her chest and smirked. "Summers? Yeah, me and her get naked and soaped up together nearly every day," she said, lowering her voice in a poor attempt to make herself sound like a boy.

Buffy and Xander burst out laughing at the uncharacteristic joke from their normally shy redhaired friend.

Willow blushed but grinned, proud she'd actually made a dirty joke without using any bad words.

"Just promise me what happens in Narnia stays in Narnia," Buffy told Xander.

"So I swear," Xander said solemnly then grinned.

"Okay, then… off I go," Buffy said, crawling over Willow and slipping out of the covers. "Not as cold as I thought it'd be," Buffy noted as she got up, wincing a little at how cold the cement floor was on her feet and wondering when she'd kicked off her socks.

"Thick walls make it easier to heat," Xander said, "and speaking of heating. I'll throw a couple more logs on the fire." He got out of bed and stretched, long used to how cold the floor was.

"Soap?" Buffy asked.

"Small shelf set into the wall," Xander said, "you have to be in the shower to see it."

"Shampoo?" she asked hopefully.

"And creme rinse," Xander added, "it's with the soap. I don't have any extra toothbrushes, so you'll have to use mine, it's on the sink."

"You are a noble and generous host," Buffy said formally and gave a mock curtsey. "I shall return after my morning abuelitas."

"Ablutions," Willow corrected her, amused.

"What did I say?" Buffy said.

"The Spanish word for grandmothers," Willow replied.

"Close enough, I'll be right back," she said and bounced off with a spring in her step, smiling at their laughter.

Xander grinned. "We should probably plug our ears."

Willow didn't say anything just waiting and less than a minute later there was a high-pitched squeal and a lot of cursing that caused her to stare at the darkened doorway that led to the bathroom. "Wow, I don't think all those are even in a human tongue!"

Xander laughed. "Pretty sure at least half of those are demonic."

"I wonder if she knows what they mean or she's just repeating things demons have said after encountering her," Willow said thoughtfully. "She could just be saying different variations of 'It's the slayer, run!"

Xander laughed and picked up the fireplace poker, poking at the logs to stir them up, because Buffy was going to need the heat in a minute. He added a few chunks of wood and put the poker back, satisfied.

Willow reluctantly got up and joined him in front of the fire, watching the flames and listening to Buffy curse. It seemed like only a minute had passed before a naked and wet Buffy practically teleported in front of them.

"Cold!" Buffy exclaimed, standing directly in front of the fire, hair still dripping. "Fire good!"

Xander took off his shirt and handed it to her. "Use this to dry off a little, I know it takes some getting used to."

Buffy was completely unconcerned with modesty as she patted herself down, giving the two quite a show. "I couldn't shut off the water, it's too high to jump with everything wet and… I forgot."

"I'll get it, I need to take my shower anyway," Xander said.

The two turned to stare at him.

"What?" Xander asked.

"You're going to walk away while I am naked, right here where you can ogle?" Buffy asked in disbelief, turning to face him so she could warm her butt.

"It's a riveting sight," Xander said honestly, "but it's not like this is going to be a onetime thing and I don't want to be creepy about it."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Buffy said with a warm smile, "but we are totally going to be creepy when you get out of the shower."

The two girls burst out laughing at the look of surprise on his face.

Xander couldn't help but chuckle. "With how cold the water is, there isn't going to be much to ogle. Be back in a couple of minutes."

"I get to see Xander naked," Willow whispered excitedly to Buffy, bouncing on her heels.

"Just before he gets to see you," Buffy teased.

Willow froze and bit her lip, chewing on it in thought. "It's by firelight… I can handle it," she decided, wondering where she was getting the courage from and guessing it was hormones.

"Narnia, a land of magic, where all your dreams come true," Buffy said, wringing out her hair.

"I think that's Disneyland," Willow said, "Narnia is… Narnia. They don't have a tourist bureau, so no slogans."

"Narnia where you can get a good night's sleep and cuddle in bed with friends before huddling naked with them in front of a fire," Buffy said.

"Catchy," Willow said. "If we ever start a tourist bureau for here, that will be our slogan."

"I am so bringing towels next time," Buffy decided, "my hair is going to take forever to dry." She turned to Willow and saw the redhead was watching the doorway to the bathroom. "Watching isn't going to make him come out any faster."

"It might," Willow argued, "this is Narnia."

Buffy grinned. "If we had towels you could offer to help him dry off."

Willow blushed hard enough to be visible in the firelight.

"Next time we'll plan better," Buffy said, "maybe bring enough food for a week."

"An extra week of just the three of us," Willow said quietly. "No parents or homework being due."

"No demons or patrolling," Buffy added. "This place is a wonder."

"Bracing, that's what I would say if I were British," Xander said as he came out of the doorway and joined them in front of the fire, "but since I'm a Cali boy, I will simply say penis shrinkingly cold."

"You're uncircumcised?" Buffy blurted out surprised and unable to keep herself from looking.

"No, it's just that cold," Xander replied, forcing himself not to cover up.

"It's normally a lot bigger," Willow said. "I mean from what I can tell through his jeans," she quickly added.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Xander said, trying not to laugh. "By the way, shower's free."

"Yeah," Buffy said, "your turn to strip and freeze, then you can join us."

"I'll be back," Willow said, taking a deep breath and whipping off her shirt, before tossing it on the table quickly followed by all the rest of her clothes and hurrying to the bathroom.

After a few seconds of silence Buffy said, "Well, at least I can tell you're not circumcised now."

"Yeah," Xander agreed absently, eyes glued to the doorway to the bathroom.

"Are you just warmer now or is it because it was Willow?" she asked curiously, wondering why he hadn't reacted to her like that.

"I think it's the context," Xander said.

"Huh?"

"There is a big difference between cold, wet, and having no choice but to be starkers to avoid freezing and simply stripping in front of your friends," he explained. "Plus… I am warmer now."

"Okay, I can see that," Buffy agreed.

"I still think you're hot as hell, but I was trying not to think about it, helped by being very, very cold," Xander said as he worked things out in his head. "What Willow did was… out of character and really… brave? Yeah, I'm going with brave. She's always been really shy, so it took me by surprise and I had no time to brace myself."

"She's been a lot more comfortable in her skin here," Buffy said thoughtfully, "and so have I."

"Could be the situation, could be Narnia," Xander offered with a shrug. "I know I'm always more relaxed here, but a good part of that is because I built some seriously strong walls."

"That does help," Buffy said. "Eh, whatever the reason, it's good to see her this way."

"I can certainly get behind that," Xander agreed.

"Yeah, I can tell," Buffy agreed, making a show of looking at his groin.

Xander snickered. "Your shower was pretty fast, did you actually have time to shampoo?"

"Yes, but no conditioner," Buffy replied. "I am not staying in the cold that long. I think that was the fastest shower I've ever taken in my life."

"I know the feeling," Xander said, "I learned to wash quickly here. I suppose I could get one of those big metal tubs and wash like they did in olden times, but I'd rather just put up with a little discomfort and spend my time relaxing."

"Yeah, we have better things to not do than try and build a primitive water heater," Buffy agreed, "and I can't believe I'm saying that. Normally I'd be the first one demanding for room service to fix the water heater and send up extra towels."

"You have to have your priorities in order," Xander said, "and here the priority is to relax."

"Amen to that," Buffy said. "I think I'm almost dry."

"Same here, but hold off on the clothes until Willow can get dressed too," he suggested.

"Good idea," Buffy said, "I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable."

"Cold is an understatement," Willow said as she joined them, pale and shivering. "I skipped shampooing my hair and it still took way too long to get clean!" She grabbed Xander and Buffy and pulled them to her like a blanket. "Warm me!"

"Ack! You're freezing!" Buffy complained.

"I think that's her problem Buff," Xander said as they squeezed her between them.

"If I wasn't so wet right now I would drag you both to bed," Willow swore. It was only after the two burst out laughing she realized what she'd said. "You know what I meant!"

"We do," Buffy assured her, "though that would certainly warm us up."

"I refuse to comment," Xander said, rubbing Willows arms to help her warm up.

"I can feel your comment behind me, mister," Willow said, blushing but not letting the two go.

"So, what are we going to do once we're all dry and warm again?" Buffy asked. "I'm not sleepy at all for once."

"Play cards," Xander suggested, "we can play reverse strip poker and get dressed again, cause there's no way I can concentrate enough to read with you two like this."

"I left my clothes in the bathroom," Buffy said, remembering how she'd rushed out to warm herself in front of the fire.

"That reminds me, I couldn't shut off the shower," Willow said, "it's a little too high."

Xander groaned. "Okay, I'll be right back, looks like I've gotta get wet again."

"Hurry back," Willow said, reluctantly letting him go.

"I'll be just a second," he promised before rushing off.

"Next time towels," Buffy said firmly.

"Towels," Willow agreed. "The naked cuddling will be a lot more comfortable while dry."

"Not quite what I meant, but yeah it would be," Buffy agreed. "I am surprised you're so… okay with all this."

"The cold has really helped," Willow said as Xander returned.

"The cold has helped?" he asked.

"Yes," Willow agreed. "Being in fear of having bits freeze off has made it easy to ignore my shyness and being shy just seems all sorts of silly now."

"Point, a very good one," Xander agreed, stoking the fire to increase the heat as he was cold and wet once more.

"Huddle around Xander," Willow told Buffy as she hugged him.

"Your butt is cold and wet," Buffy told Xander.

"Yeah, I think I may have to either find an easier way for you two to turn off the shower or just shower with you," Xanser said.

"If it leads to a faster shower I won't complain," Buffy said.

"Once we get all dry again, I say we go back to bed and warm up," Willow said.

"I second that," Buffy agreed. "While we're there we can talk about what we're going to dress as for Halloween."

"We could go with a Narnia theme," Willow suggested.

"Nah, that's just tempting fate," Xander disagreed. "I say spandex!"

"Good luck on that," Willow said. "I am not nearly comfortable enough wearing something like that in public, it makes me feel like I'm naked."

Xander and Buffy stepped back to look at her.

"This is private, I can be naked in private," Willow said firmly. "It's just the three of us and dim lighting from the fireplace."

"Yeah, I'll agree with that," Buffy said. "I was thinking medieval princess type myself."

"Medieval is good," Xander agreed. "I could dress up like a hunter."

"I like my ghost outfit, it's very traditional," Willow said.

"How about something different?" Xander asked. "I don't think we could find armor for Joan of Arc or King Arthur in your size, but you could dress like a plague doctor or something."

"That's not a bad idea," Willow said with a smile, getting enthused at the idea. "I could make one of those leather bird masks they wore."

"Leather bird mask?" Buffy asked confused.

"Plague doctors in the middle ages thought the smell of sick people made you sick, so they had these masks with little sachets of herbs they'd breathe through that looked like beaks," Willow explained.

"Sounds very historical," Buffy said. "We'll have to see what's available. Are we dry enough for bed now?"

Xander checked himself and looked at them. "Close enough for government work."

"Then to bed," Buffy said, quickly pushing them towards it.

"I've had dreams that started off this way," Xander joked.

"Really?" Buffy asked doubtfully.

"Well, no," he admitted, "at least not yet."

"Less talking, more moving," Willow said, looking forward to being cuddled up and warm again.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**

 **TN: That is a level of cold water I never want to deal with, dead hot water heater in winter cold is bad enough, but fresh ice/snow melt is another thing altogether.**

 **TN2: Would be less fun, but they could also just shower in set order; Buffy, Willow, Xander, Buffy can jump and turn it on, Willow goes in once Buffy is done, then Xander goes last and turns it off when he's finished. But then again, if he joins them, he can turn it off mid shower so they're not under a constant stream while soaping/shampooing, turn it back on to rinse, then turn it off when done.**


	51. Connections 4

**Connections 4**

 **Part 1: ANYASTEMF 44**  
 **Part 2: ANYASTEMF 46**  
 **Part 3: ANYASTEMF 47**

"I'm very pro dog," Jimmy replied, "why?"

"To keep junkies from stripping the place, the owner got a handful of dogs and let them loose," Sophia explained. "It wouldn't be so bad if he'd trained them, but really all he does is feed them, so there's basically a pack of wild dogs running around inside the fence."

"I'll feed em," Jimmy said, "as long as I toss in some food every now and again, they should ignore me."

Sophie nodded. "Good, because it's the best place I've found to set up shop. Plenty of space and you don't need to worry about people breaking in."

"So… where is it?" Emma asked.

"Couple of blocks from the boardwalk," Sophia said. "I already talked to the owner. For five hundred he'll ignore us as long as we don't set it on fire or anything."

"How's the utilities?" Jimmy asked.

"Still connected, I've checked," Sophie said. "Plenty of bathrooms, but kinda short on places to shower. That's the only real downside. It was never set up for people to live there."

"You've been very careful to avoid telling us what the place is," Jimmy noted.

Sophia smirked. "I wanna see your face when you see it for yourself."

Jimmy and Emma exchanged glances, neither had known Sophia for that long but she seemed unusually cheerful and smug.

"Trust me, you'll love it," Sophia said, her eyes glittering with amusement.

"Alright, let's take a look," Jimmy said, his curiosity aroused.

"Are the dogs going to be a problem?" Emma asked.

"Nah," Sophia waved it off, "I can ghost you past them, it'll just take two trips."

Jimmy nodded. "I didn't know you could take people with you when you shifted like that."

"It's a bit tiring and I can't do it for long," Sophia explained, "but it makes getting into places easy."

"It's cool as hell," Emma offered, "the world looks like an old black and white movie."

"Then let's pack up and take a look," Jimmy said. "I don't know about you, but it's getting about time for me to sleep anyway." He yawned. "Past time," he corrected himself.

The three quickly sorted everything, the girls' shares going into their backpacks while Jimmy simply stuffed his into pockets and grabbed an old seabag that held the rest of his things.

The walk from the ship graveyard to the boardwalk went quickly as the two practically had to jog to keep up with Sophia, who had pulled up her hood and put back on her mask, prompting Jimmy to do the same. Emma made do with a pink ski mask that was at odds with the dark sweats they were all wearing.

"We really need to get some decent costumes," Jimmy said as they crossed the alley behind the boardwalk.

"Sweats are cheap and blend in," Shadow Stalker said, "they also soak up blood, so you don't leave a lot lying around."

"I'd rather have armor that prevents bleeding in the first place, but you've got a point," Jimmy agreed.

"How much farther?" Emma asked before yawning. It was late enough at night to be just before early morning at this point and she was almost dead on her feet.

"We're coming up on it now," Shadow Stalker said as they exited the alley and she gestured towards the large chain link fence.

The two stared at the fenced off and closed down two story parking garage, damaged and dead vehicles scattered around the first floor from what they could see, and then turned back to Shadow Stalker, both clearly thinking she'd picked the wrong place.

Shadow Stalker laughed. "Not the parking garage, the building connected to it."

There was a growl as a Doberman Pinscher came out from under a van with four flat tires and a shattered windshield.

The girls instinctively stepped back, but Jimmy moved forward, crouched down, and placed the back of his hand against the fence.

"Careful," Shadow Stalker warned him, "they're pretty vicious."

The dog cautiously approached, teeth bared, but Jimmy held his ground and waited. Eventually the dog relaxed and sniffed at his hand through the fence before making a chuffing sound and returning to its den beneath the abandoned van.

"Pretty ballsy," Shadow Stalker said with approval.

"Nah, I get dogs," Jimmy said, "she's probably got a litter of pups under the van. She just wanted to make sure I wasn't a threat."

"I'll take Emma first," Shadow Stalker said, "be back in five."

Jimmy nodded and crossed the street to wait in the alley while Shadow Stalker grabbed Emma's hand and the two figures faded into black smoke that flowed through the wire fencing.

His stomach growled a little, so he opened his seabag and brought out a half full bag of stale donuts. A maple bar quieted his stomach and he'd just finished and put back on his mask when Shadow Stalker returned. "Thought it'd take you longer than that."

"Gates keep the dogs on the first level, so Emma said to grab you so we can all enter at once," she replied, holding out a hand.

Jimmy grabbed her hand. "You sure they can't get up there?"

Stalker nodded. "No piles of dog shit like the lower level, and I've checked it out in daylight. You ready?"

"Yeah, let's do this," he said, eager to see the shadow world Emma had described.

Shadow Stalker activated her power, pushing it to include him with a silent grunt. She gave him a firm pull as the world shifted around them, the colors fading away into sharply contrasted shades of gray.

Jimmy pushed himself to keep up as Shadow Stalker made them run, each step bounding them forward, passing through the fence as if it were a cobweb, quickly followed by a couple of wrecked vehicles and a security gate leading up to the second floor.

Shadow Stalker dropped his hand and rested with her hands on her knees, panting for a second as she regained her breath. "It's a trip, isn't it," she said proudly.

"It's cool, but it seems… familiar," Jimmy said thoughtfully.

"Really?" Shadow Stalker asked.

Jimmy nodded. "It just feels familiar for some reason."

"You two ready?" Emma called down, poking her head down the ramp.

"Just catching our breath," Sophia said, taking off her mask.

Jimmy took his off as well, the early morning air cooling his skin. "So what is the building connected to this place?"

"Right this way," Emma said, waving for them to come to the second floor.

Jimmy put his mask in his seabag and walked up the ramp. The handful of vehicles on the second level were in worse condition than the ones on the first, shattered windows having let in wind and rain, he noted as he glanced around before looking at the two story building connected to the parking garage. "Willowbrook Mall?"

"Not all that large as malls go and the riots caused some major damage, not to mention all the looting, but it'll keep the rain off and give us plenty of space to lair in," Sophia said proudly.

"What's the inside look like?" Jimmy asked as the three approached the second story entrance, the glass doors covered in cracks and dirt but still mostly intact.

"Like a riot happened," Sophia said bluntly. "It ain't the Ritz, but it beats the hell out of a dumpster. Come on, I'll pull you through."

Sophia grabbed Emma's hand and the two quickly became shadows that passed through the doors into the darkened interior.

Jimmy waited and a few seconds later Sophia stepped back through and turned to him, offering her hand.

Jimmy's form turned into black smoke and smacked into glass, turning him solid once more and dropping him on his ass.

"What the fuck?!" Sophia said, hand still extended.

"I… I didn't grab your hand," Jimmy realized.

"Yeah, new power?" she asked eagerly.

"I guess so," Jimmy said. "Okay, impatience and curiosity lets me bang myself against windows."

Sophia grabbed his shoulder and quickly pulled him through into the mall, feeling drained from extending her power so much in so short a time.

"What was that?" Emma asked.

"He tried to go shadow and pass through the door without me," Sophia explained. "You turned into black smoke."

"Another power?" Emma asked with a smile.

"It doesn't let me walk through walls, but yeah," Jimmy replied as he squinted in the little light leaking through the door and a broken skylight set in the middle of the mall, dimly illuminating the damage the place had taken years ago. "This looks like the set for a post apocalypse movie. Anyone got a torch?"

"Be better to get a flashlight," Sophia said, "a torch could set off the fire alarm, if it still works."

Jimmy chuckled. "Torch is what we call a flashlight back in England."

"Well, I remember they had a Hallmark store on the first level," Sophia said. "Pretty sure there is a candle or two left in there. You guys wait here, I'll be right back."

Emma stepped closer to Jimmy as Sophia vanished, her shadow form impossible to see in the darkness. "This place is kinda spooky," she admitted nervously.

Jimmy slipped an arm around her. "No worries, luv," he said, playing up his accent a bit, "it's just deserted, not haunted or anything."

"You believe in ghosts?" Emma asked, leaning into him and taking comfort in his presence.

"Sure," Jimmy said, "but all they can do is bitch and give people jump scares until they get bored and move on." He was pretty sure he'd seen some ghosts when he was younger, but he couldn't recall the details and didn't care enough to try to remember.

"What about poltergeists?" Emma argued, recalling a scary movie by that name that had been imported from Earth Aleph.

"Those aren't ghosts," Jimmy said, "it's just the mischievous presence of tons of kids collected in one spot. I think I read about it once. They are pests but not truly dangerous, just annoying. Besides, since the place has been empty for so long, any ghost or poltergeist would have moved on from boredom."

Emma relaxed a little, taking comfort from how certain he seemed.

"Anyone got a lighter?" Sophia asked, causing them both to jump. She chuckled at the startled squeaks and mild cussing she'd caused. "I found some candles, but I don't have a lighter on me."

"Let me dig one out," Jimmy said as he let go of Emma, who'd practically jumped into his arms, and searched his pockets. He found a Bic disposable and extended it to Sophia, accidentally poking her in the tit with it.

Sophia wasn't concerned as she quickly found his arm and followed it to his hand, taking the lighter from it and lighting the middle candle in a three-candle candelabra.

The three blinked and looked around, their eyes adjusting to the glow of the candle flame.

"I really could film a horror movie here easy," Jimmy said with a grin, "but it's a good place to set up shop. You seen a furniture store anywhere, one with beds? Cause I am going to bed down for a couple of hours. I'll help you look around when there is some proper daylight leaking in and I'm not half dead."

"Yeah, I already scouted out a place to sleep. The floors are mostly clean, but watch where you step, there's still crap scattered about," Sophia warned them, leading them farther into the mall. "The home furniture place is just a few shops in."

The three walked closer together, the lit candle providing a small circle of light as they avoided scattered trash from an overturned trash can and a pile of mannequins.

"Here it is," Sophia said, stepping into the trashed furniture store through the shattered front window as the security gate was down over the entrance.

Glass crunched underfoot as they entered, taking in the mess that had been made of the place.

Sophia righted an end table and set the candelabra down. "Let's just grab a bunch of bedding and pillows, I don't feel like trying to put together a bed by candlelight."

"That looks like a good mattress," Jimmy said as he moved some chairs out of the way and dropped his seabag, so he could lay down a box spring and mattress set from an overturned bedroom set.

"I'm not bothering with sheets," Sophia said as she collected pillows.

"Not like I'm picky," Jimmy agreed as he aligned the mattress on the box spring and moved some furniture around to block anyone that passed by from seeing them. Sure, it was a closed down mall with a group of half feral dogs guarding it, but why take chances?

Emma stripped comforters from several different beds, finding most had blankets that were little more than sheets. Collecting half a dozen she spread them on the bed with Jimmy's help.

"That should be thick enough to keep me warm," Jimmy decided as he moved a dresser to act as a headboard so the pillows wouldn't fall off the bed.

"Even warmer with all three of us," Sophia said bluntly as she took off her boots.

"Pardon?" Jimmy asked.

"You gay?" Sophia asked, sliding off her socks and stuffing them in her boots.

"No."

"Seeing someone?" she asked before taking off her hoodie, revealing a thin white T-shirt.

"No," he replied as she slid off her sweat pants, revealing her slender but muscular legs.

"Find us ugly?"

"Not remotely," Jimmy said, unable to keep his eyes from roaming up and down her in the flickering candlelight.

"Then you really have anything to complain about?" she asked as she pulled down the covers and crawled in.

Jimmy opened his mouth, paused, and shrugged. "Not really, I just don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone."

Sophia laughed. "If anyone's in charge, it ain't you, it's me, and we aren't at that stage yet. Now, strip down and climb in, pulling you both through the shadows has got me wiped."

Jimmy laughed. "Yes Ma'am!" He stripped down to his boxers and slid in next to her. Sophia immediately pulled him close to her and snuggled in. He could hear from her breathing and the slight trembling in her arms that she wasn't as confident as she sounded, but as he slid an arm around her, she relaxed.

Emma was surprised by this turn of events, but the thought of sleeping next to her protectors made her smile, so she quickly blew out the candle and got undressed. As she nervously slid under the covers she wondered if she should move close or give them room, but Jimmy's arm pulled her in and for the first time in weeks… she felt safe.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Tapping into the movies now? I never understood where the creative license for the Death Eater's smoke form even came from. The books never hinted at it at all…**

 **AN: I like the visuals, so I decided to use it or at least something similar.**


	52. XD Squared 1

**XD Squared 1**

Xander 'woke' in the sewer beneath Sunnydale. He was chained in place, but they had done a piss poor job and he could tell it would be easy to slip loose. It only took him a few seconds to figure out what had happened, he'd been grabbed and turned when he'd helped Buffy rescue Jesse, which conflicted with his memories of Jessie being turned and helping Buffy.

He was broken from his introspection when he heard Jesse and Buffy approach.

"Bro!" Jesse called out in relief.

"It's a trap!" Xander warned them, as Jesse rushed over and pulled at his chains.

"What?" Jesse asked.

Xander freed himself from his chains. "Jess, this whole thing is a trap, you have to get out of here."

"Okay, let's go!" Jesse said.

"Dude, I'm already dead and turned," Xander said. "Feel my pulse."

Buffy rushed at him stake first and Xander casually dodged her, finding it ridiculously easy with his vampiric reflexes and familiarity with her fighting style.

"Hey!" Jesse complained, upset that she'd tried to kill his best friend.

"No, she has the right idea," Xander said, leaning back to avoid a kick, "see a vamp, stake a vamp."

"But the vamp is you!" Jesse pointed out.

"Yeah, and I'm a lot more dangerous than the average vamp," Xander said, deflecting a punch with one hand and striking the nerves in her wrist to make her lose her stake. "Now, we've got to get you guys out of here, the others are coming."

"But what about you?" Jesse demanded.

"Already dead," Xander reminded him. "Let's move."

"Why are you helping us?" Buffy demanded as she recovered her stake, making sure not to turn her back on him.

"I'm helping Jesse," Xander said, "you're just incidental."

"Vampires don't act like that," Buffy argued.

"Most are brain dead morons," Xander replied. "Let's go!"

A vampire leapt out of a side tunnel and Xander grabbed it and slammed it into the sewer wall hard enough to stun it, letting Buffy stake it with barely a thought. More vampires came out of the darkness. Xander kicked one hard enough to break something in its pelvis while Buffy hit another with a right cross that snapped its neck, the two bodies falling to the ground and tripping a number that followed.

The three retreated into a small room with a metal door and a ladder leading up. Xander forced the door shut and braced himself. "Go, I'll keep them back," Xander said as the monsters on the other side threw themselves against it, making the metal shake.

"But, what about you?!" Jesse demanded.

"I'm already dead," Xander told him again, showing his game face, causing the two to jump back, "I don't have a life to save, now go!"

Buffy had to force Jesse up the ladder and when it was her turn, she paused. "They're going to tear you apart," she said almost sadly.

"I'm a vamp, I probably deserve it," Xander replied, shoving hard against the door to regain ground lost as the demons on the other side threw themselves against it.

"No one deserves that," Buffy said. She drew her stake and thrust it forward, before turning and leaping for the ladder, the screech of the door being forced open covering the poof of a vampire dusting.

She barely avoided being pulled back down into the sewer thanks to Jesse stomping on the grasping hands pulling at her legs.

"Xander?" Jesse asked, his voice holding little hope.

"Bought us time," Buffy told him softly. "I made sure they couldn't torture him."

Jesse winced and Buffy laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I couldn't save him."

He nodded. "At least you tried."

The two watched the sun rise in silence for a minute, the stress of what they'd just lived through slowly fading.

"I don't know how I'm going to tell Willow," Jesse said with a sigh, "she's totally in love with him."

"I'll help," Buffy promised, "but for now we should probably go home and get some sleep, it's going to be a long day."

 **After School**

The four were gathered in the school library, Willow waiting patiently for the details of what had happened, not sure she wanted to know, but desperately needing the knowledge all the same.

"It was a trap, Xander had already been turned," Buffy told Willow and Giles.

"But why did he save us?" Jesse asked. "I'm still confused about that. You said vampires kick out the soul and seek to kill everyone they cared for in life, but he sacrificed himself to keep us safe."

"He did?" Giles asked Buffy, surprised.

"He did," Buffy confirmed. "I've never seen a vampire act like that before. He even told Jesse I was right to try and stake him.

"See a vamp, stake a vamp," Xander agreed.

"Xander?!" Willow exclaimed as the group spun around searching for him.

"I'm a ghost," Xander told them. "I'm not sure if it's a step up from vampire, but at least I don't have a voice yammering in my head to do a bunch of stupid evil things."

"Ghosts?" Buffy asked Giles. "I have to deal with ghosts now?!"

"Ghost as in uno, singular," Xander told her, his voice coming from somewhere over the table. "As far as I know I'm the only one haunting you."

"Bro… you okay?" Jesse asked.

"Feeling pretty good for someone dead twice over," Xander assured him.

"This situation is unprecedented," Giles said, "I'll have to do some research."

"Xander?" Willow asked, eyes red.

"I'd say in the flesh, but… it'd kinda be tasteless," Xander replied as he moved closer to Willow, not that anyone could tell.

"You're dead," Willow said softly.

"But not gone," Xander assured her. "I've been following Buffy around since she woke up this morning. Of course I had to move her alarm clock so she'd stop hitting snooze every five minutes."

"Hey!" Buffy exclaimed. "I need my beauty sleep."

"Is this how haunting normally go?" Jesse asked Giles, feeling a bit better about things now that he knew Xander wasn't gone, even if he was dead.

"Nothing about this situation is normal," Giles told him. "Ghosts are normally hostile supernatural entities and vampires are typically pro-vampire, not encouraging you to 'stake them all."

"Vamps suck in more ways than one," Xander told them, "and I'm not so much hostile as annoyed at getting staked, since I completely agree that it needed to be done and quickly."

"What's it like being a ghost?" Jesse asked.

"Pretty chill," Xander replied. "I can see everywhere around me, move small objects… possibly go into… people or things? Not real sure on that one."

"You can Beetlejuice it?" Jesse asked eagerly.

"Not quite," Xander replied, "he had millions in special effects and a sound and light crew, I'm pretty sure I'm a lot more limited."

"Can you make yourself solid?" Willow asked hopefully.

"If you've got a stuffed animal I could probably possess it," Xander offered.

"How about Teddy Ruxbin?" Jesse asked.

"Probably, but those things still kinda freak me out," Xander admitted.

"When you say follow me around…" Buffy's voice trailed off.

"I plead the fifth," Xander replied.

"You were in the shower with me, weren't you?" Buffy demanded.

"Hey, don't blame the dead guy," Xander quickly said, "I'm stuck following you, I wasn't exactly given a choice here."

"You were in the shower with us?!" Willow squeaked out.

"Not willingly!" Xander exclaimed. "Where she goes, I go."

"Giles, how truthful is he being?" Buffy demanded.

"Ghosts are tethered to our world by things connected to their deaths," Giles replied, "if you are his tether he will have no choice but to follow you."

"Can we switch the tether?" Willow asked hopefully.

"I'm not sure, I'll have to research it," Giles said.

"Your afterlife is following hot girls into showers?" Jesse asked in disbelief. "Is this because you were good or bad?"

"Jesse!" Willow exclaimed, still red faced from the thought of Xander having been in the shower with her.

"Neither," Xander replied, "I'm pretty sure someone made a wish about you not getting turned into a vamp and time got messed about with, cause I remember having to stake the vamp running around with your face and… a bunch of other stuff that's getting kinda foggy about the future."

"What?" Jesse asked.

"I think someone got a monkey paw wish," Xander explained, "and wished you hadn't been turned, so I took your place. I can remember a bunch of stuff about the next couple of years, but that's getting fuzzy, like Amy's mother being a witch who tries to switch bodies so she can become a cheerleader and our replacement science teacher turning out to be a praying mantis demon looking for virgins to father another generation."

"That sounds ridiculous," Buffy said. "I deal with vampires, you know those things that go poof when you stake them, not… all that."

"While vampires are the main threat dealt with by Slayers, they are by no means the only threat," Giles told her, "else a Slayer would have little use for a dedicated researcher."

"Plus, this is the Hellmouth, so it attracts all types of things," Xander replied, "It's like a magnet for badness."

"A Hellmouth? Are you certain?" Giles asked anxiously.

"What is a Hellmouth and is it as bad as it sounds?" Jesse asked.

"It's a gateway to dimensions we would consider akin to Hell," Giles explained.

"That would be a yes then," Willow said with a shiver.

"It actually wasn't all that bad," Xander said, "we researched and watched Buffy's back, she slayed, we partied on."

"Partied on?" Buffy and Giles chorused as if they'd practiced it.

"Yeah," Xander said, "We… enjoyed making a difference and keeping the world spinning. We'd hang out at Buffy's and watch bad movies and… it's fading a bit, but I remember dancing at the Bronze, patrolling at nights…"

"That would be incredibly dangerous and foolish," Giles snapped out. "The Slayer works alone!"

"No, the Slayer dies alone," Xander disagreed. "Buffy never fought all that hard when by herself. When protecting friends, she'd tear through vamps like they were nothing."

There was silence for a few seconds as everyone digested that.

"We became friends?" Buffy asked hopefully, latching onto the one part that made sense.

"We were the three amigos, plus Giles," Xander assured her.

"What about me?" Jesse asked.

"Turned and I ended up staking you to keep you from killing Cordelia," Xander said, "and unlike me, your ghost did not hang around."

"And someone made a monkey paw wish making us switch spots," Jesse said.

"Can you provide any proof about any of this?" Giles asked.

"Proof?" Xander asked. "Well, I know some pretty embarrassing secrets about everyone here."

"Bro!" Jesse exclaimed nervously.

"I'm not going to tell ones about you and Wills, those wouldn't prove anything," Xander assured him.

"Not sure I want mine revealed either," Buffy said.

"You had a crush on a guy named Ford in middle school and used to listen to the song 'When I Think About You I Touch Myself' not realizing what the song meant at the time," Xander said. "That's pretty non-embarrassing but secret."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah, that's accurate and still a bit embarrassing."

"And myself?" Giles asked.

"Back in England you hung around with a douche nozzle named Ethan," Xander said, "there was badness and demon summoning and sex."

Giles paled. "Yes, when I was young and quite a bit less intelligent I did become embroiled in some distasteful events. I believe I'm satisfied now."

"Winning lottery numbers?" Jesse asked hopefully.

"No clue," Xander admitted, "I never paid attention to them like Cordelia did."

"Cordelia?" Willow asked.

"We ended up dating, but it didn't work out," Xander said. "You were dating… a guy with blue hair who didn't talk much, very mellow."

"I… don't know how to feel about that," Willow said.

"I seriously doubt things will work out the same way now," Xander said, "I mean, I'm a ghost and Jesse is alive, those are some mondo timeline changes right there."

"And you knowing about the future is going to change things even more," Jesse added.

"If I can remember them," Xander agreed, "but like I said it's getting kinda fuzzy and I'm not sure if that's because of the time travel thing or the ghost thing."

"How do you feel?" Willow asked.

"Kinda spacey," Xander replied, "almost like being drunk, though that may be the floating thing and seeing in all directions is kinda weird, plus I can feel where Buffy is like there is a bungee cord connecting us."

"Can you move the cord to someone else, like me?" Willow asked hopefully.

"Let's see…" Xander muttered and Willows sweater suddenly changed from its soft blue into a riot of orange and yellows.

"Bro, did you just possess Willow's sweater?" Jesse asked, while Buffy poked it with a finger causing Xander and Willow to giggle.

"That is the ugliest sweater I've ever seen," Buffy said as Willow leaned back to avoid her attempts to poke her again.

"I feel more solid now and warm," Xander said as Willow stroked the arm of her sweater, his voice coming from her chest.

"Do you feel tethered to Buffy now?" Willow asked.

"Yes, but it's just a thread now, like I can ignore it," Xander replied. "This feels much better than just floating around."

"What exactly can you feel now?" Buffy asked suspiciously.

"Willow," Xander replied, making the girl in question blush but the shy redhead didn't complain as she smiled and hugged the garish sweater tightly.

"I suppose that's better than following me everywhere," Buffy decided, seeing that Willow had no objections.

"Am I supposed to feel sad?" Jesse asked. "I mean, I just lost my best friend, but he's still here."

"I wouldn't," Xander said, "but then I prefer not to be all mopey."

"I'm afraid my training didn't cover any of this," Giles said.

"I still feel bad I couldn't save Xander, though a bit less since he was watching me shower and made me get up early," Buffy admitted.

"If you begin to feel bad, let me know and I'll annoy you out of it," Xander told her.

"It kinda tickles when you talk," Willow told him. "We'll have to see what all you can possess and what the effects are."

"Unlike Beetlejuice I didn't get a handbook," Xander said, "but I think I can move things around if I'm in them."

Willow made a soft sighing sound and her eyes closed as the shoulders of her sweater started moving on their own.

"That checks out," Jesse said with a grin, deciding to follow Xander's advice and not worry about it.

"I have a lot of research to do," Giles said and started shooing the children out of the library. "Buffy, we'll have to discuss patrol routes later."

"Probably a good idea," Buffy said, privately admitting that it looked like she wasn't going to be able to escape being the Slayer, but feeling better about having friends to share it with.

"Well see you guys tomorrow," Willow told them before leaving with Xander.

"I can't believe she wants him haunting her," Buffy said shaking her head. "I wonder what she's planning on having him possess."

"I'm trying not to think about it myself," Jesse replied.

"What? Why… Oh!" Buffy said, her mind immediately going places she wished it hadn't. "I'm… going to go repress. Catch you tomorrow?"

"Catch you tomorrow," Jesse agreed with a chuckle. "This has been the weirdest day."

"Yeah I hear you," Buffy said, "Hopefully tomorrow will be better."

"Unless Willow brings in charts of her tests," Jesse said.

"Yeah," Buffy said before quickly fleeing.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **AN: We really need some more Beetlejuice type stories.**


	53. A New Beat 3

**A New Beat 3**

 **Chapter 1: ANYASEMF 33  
Chapter 2: ANYASEMF 34**

"What's it like being a girl?" Nabiki asked as the three prepared dinner.

"I think you'd know that better than I would," Ranma replied, hiding her grin and making Kasumi giggle.

Nabiki nodded. "Alright, you've got me there. What I mean is, what is it like switching genders?"

"I'm not sure it's like anything but itself," Ranma said honestly.

"Huh," Nabiki said, "I see what you mean, I can't think of anything remotely similar a normal person could experience."

"That's not to say you're abnormal," Kasumi quickly assured Ranma.

"Normal means average and I am anything but that," Ranma told her. "Trust me I am under no delusion that the label normal applies to me. I've lived a life straight out of myth and legends."

"Really?" Nabiki asked, eager to hear more about her prospective spouse.

"Really," Ranma assured her. "I wasn't kidding when I said nearly everything you know about reality is wrong. Whatch this." Ranma tossed half a dozen vegetables in the air and her hands flashed blue before she caught the neatly sliced vegetables in a bowl. "The Neko-ken or Cat Fist, a legendary martial art thought lost and famous for driving anyone who tried to learn it insane."

The girls looked from the bowl back to Ranma in disbelief.

"Fortunately I came through it unharmed, but don't let Pops know, I've convinced him I'm terrified of cats and mentally turn into one when exposed to them," Ranma said with a grin. "It's what happens to almost everyone who goes through the training and made him a bit more cautious in what he put me through."

Kasumi accepted the bowl and added the vegetables to the wok.

"What is the training?" Nabiki asked cautiously.

"You have to learn it as a young child, it doesn't work if you've hit puberty," Ranma explained. "You dig a pit, fill it with starving cats, wrap the trainee in fish products-"

"You've got to be joking," Nabiki interrupted her.

"Watch my eyes," Ranma said. She closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them again they were slit like a cat's. Once she was sure both had seen them, Ranma closed her eyes and returned them to normal. "Anyway, you can guess what the rest of the training consists of."

"That's horrifying," Kasumi said with a shiver.

"A martial artist's path is fraught with peril," Ranma quoted. "By faking insanity, I got Pops to be a bit more careful, so expect me to act nervous any time something feline is brought up."

"But… you're older now," Nabiki pointed out, "he can't put you through anything like that anymore."

"True," Ranma agreed, "but it's a bit of a laugh."

Nabiki giggled. "Cruel, but there's a purpose for it, and it's a well deserved reminder of his actions," she said, knowing how Kasumi thought.

"That is true," Kasumi agreed as she cooked.

"I'm letting you two know because when I go cat only two things 'snap' me out of it, activating my curse or taking a nap in the lap of someone I trust. That's how I snapped out of it the first and only time it affected me. I woke up with a nice old lady stroking my hair."

"Can you even fit in my lap?" Nabiki asked with a grin.

"Thanks to the Neko-ken I can curl up like a cat," Ranma told her, "it's a form of magic, like the claws and eyes."

"How much do you know about magic?" Nabiki asked eagerly.

"I've picked up quite a bit," Ranma replied. "Interested in learning?"

"Of course," Nabiki said.

"It takes years of practice just like any other art, but you can manage cantrips in just a few weeks," he told her.

"What are cantrips?" Kasumi asked, as she transferred the stir fry to half a dozen plates.

"Very basic spells," Ranma replied, "often called household magics, like mending clothes and repairing glassware."

"That sounds very useful," Kasumi said, too polite to ask but the question clear in her eyes.

"Would you like to learn?" Ranma asked. "I can teach you when we go out on dates. It's at least a year and a half until I can marry, but I don't think that's going to stop our fathers trying to force things if they think we aren't taking things seriously, so expect a lot of dates."

"I'd like that very much," Kasumi said with a smile.

"I'd like to learn as well," Nabiki added, the idea of learning something unknown to most of humanity a tremendous draw. "What's the end point? I mean, what does magic lead to?"

"I've never had anyone ask that," Ranma said with a bit of surprise as she snapped her fingers, cleaning all the cookware in an instant and causing both girls to stare in shock. It was one thing to be told magic could be used to do chores, but quite another to see it actually done. Ranma put them away while she talked, "Much like science, it leads to whatever you choose. People have natural inclinations and things they are better at of course, but the more effort you put in, the more you can do, just like any other art. Basically, it leads where you decide it leads."

"Where has it lead you?" Kasumi asked curiously.

Nabiki was surprised at her older sister's question, as it was much more perceptive than her older sister normally displayed.

"Everywhere," Ranma replied. "I've studied a little of everything and tried to learn everything I can. I'm a bit of a Jack-of-all-trades, or Jill at the moment."

"Can you break your curse?" Nabiki asked.

"Jusenkyo curses rank right up there with curses cast by minor gods," Ranma explained, "plus it has a karmatic component, so if I can break it I'll have to wait a number of years as it corrects whatever imbalance I have first."

"What kind of imbalance could you have that requires you to become a woman?" Kasumi asked thoughtfully.

"Pops thinks men are superior to women and has been yelling at me not to be a weak little girl for over a decade, trying to make me as manly as possible," Ranma replied, "that's bound to have some effect on my personality, but I think its discouraged me from believing any of that nonsense, so I don't really know."

"If you don't buy into it and he really believes it, maybe the curse on you is to punish him," Kasumi suggested.

"That makes perfect sense," Ranma said thoughtfully.

"So why does he turn into a panda than?" Nabiki asked.

"Maybe to help make up for the fact that I'm cursed to turn into a girl, because I'll be honest, I find it hilarious," Ranma said with a grin.

The girls burst out laughing before they gathered the dishes and went out to enjoy dinner.

 **The Next Morning**

Ranma caught the school bag Genma threw at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Since we're going to be staying here for a while I enrolled you in school," Genma said, preparing for an argument.

"Good thinking, Pops," Ranma said, taking all the wind from his sails. "I was planning on enrolling and looked up where the school was. Good to see you're on top of things. I'd best hurry so I can take the entrance exam."

Genma just stared as Ranma left, Kasumi giving him a bento box before he made it out the door. Nabiki and Akane quickly retrieved their school supplies and followed, receiving their own lunches as well.

Soun put down his paper. "You look like you were expecting an argument."

Genma nodded. "The boy has become a lot more polite since we were cursed. It still takes me by surprise sometimes."

"At least there are some positive aspects to it," Soun told him.

"He's far more sarcastic at times, but also a lot more polite and a better cook," Genma said thoughtfully. "It's strange how the curse has affected him."

"Have you noticed any other changes?" Soun asked curiously.

"His skill in the art has increased by a fair margin," Genma said. "Learning to compensate for fighting in a different body has done wonders."

"Really?" Soun asked curiously. "It makes sense, but isn't something I'd considered before."

"As you saw this morning, he fought me to a draw," Genma said proudly. "I've been having to increase my own training to keep him in his place."

"He's going to make a fine husband for one of my girls," Soun said. "What do you think Kasumi?"

Kasumi nodded. "Younger men are usually boring, but that's not something you can say about Ranma."

The fathers chuckled and exchanged grins, pleased that their plan to unite the houses was going so well.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Ranma hopped across the rooftops, mostly avoiding the ladle lady who had splashed him so often in his first life. As he approached the school he saw the Hentai Horde was out in force with Kuno waiting in the rear as always.

If you know how Kuno thought it was actually a rather endearing display of devotion, however if you were sane it was simply a massive pain in the ass for all involved. Ranma made a mental note to assist Kuno in his courtship, but for now he had to get to the main office. Ranma leapt over the horde, bouncing off a head or two in the process, but treading them lightly enough that they barely noticed. Kuno opened his mouth to say something, but Ranma vanished into the school before he could speak.

It was a simple matter to find the office; lord knows he'd seen it enough before.

"Hello," Ranma said, attracting the school secretary's attention when he entered the office, "I'm here to take my entrance exam."

"Mr. Saotome?" she asked, glancing down to make sure he was the only one scheduled.

"That's me," Ranma agreed.

"We have you testing in first year," she said to confirm.

"That should be second," Ranma said, planning to take classes with Nabiki so they could spend more time together.

"I'll make a correction and have the tests ready for you in a moment," she replied, going to a filing cabinet.

"Thank you," Ranma said politely.

 **An hour later**

Ranma stepped into the classroom and passed the teacher a slip of paper.

Mr. Jian read the paper and nodded. "If you'd care to introduce yourself to the class, Mr. Saotome."

Ranma turned to face the class. "My name is Saotome Ranma and I've just returned from a martial arts training trip to China. Please treat me well." Introductions complete, Ranma took a desk to the left of Nabiki, who was surrounded by empty desks except to her right where Kuno sat.

"I thought you'd be in Akane's class," Nabiki said.

"I've kept up on my studies while training," Ranma replied, "and I can hardly get to know my intended if I was in a different class."

Nabiki blushed despite herself, pleased that Ranma preferred her over Akane, a rare occurrence in her life.

"You are engaged?" Kuno asked, surprised.

"It's a bit up in the air as to whether I'll marry Nabiki or Kasumi, but yes," Ranma agreed.

"Excluding Akane?" Nabiki asked, surprised as she'd thought her younger sister would be up for consideration until Ranma got to know her better.

"She feels more like a younger sister than a prospective bride," Ranma replied, "which is fitting since once I'm married she will be my younger sister."

"So… she'll poison you and hit you with blunt objects?" Kuno asked, confused as he considered his own younger sibling.

Ranma blinked. "Exactly," he said with a nod. "I think that'll cover our interactions nicely."

"I can see that," Nabiki said with a slow nod, slightly amused.

"And just to insure there are no misunderstandings," Ranma said, taking one of Nabiki's hands in his own, "I swear on my honor that I have no intention of marrying your younger sister and shall treat her as my own sibling."

Nabiki's blush was understandable as was the smile that lit up her face. "I'll hold you to that," she teased, making no move to release his hand.

"Please do," Ranma said, pleased to see the softer side of Nabiki, one that he rarely got to see as it was normally buried in the chaos of the normal timeline.

Kuno looked away, feeling a bit embarrassed to have witnessed such an intimate exchange.

Noticing their inattention, the teacher called the pair up to solve a couple of equations on the board, which the pair easily accomplished before returning to their seats. The pair turned their attention to the lesson and didn't speak again until the bell rang signaling lunch.

"Lunch?" Ranma asked. "My treat."

"I'd like that," she agreed with a smile. It had been quite some time since someone had invited her to lunch without having an ulterior motive, "but it's going to be hard for you to treat me when Kasumi prepared both our lunches."

"I'll buy drinks," Ranma replied as they left the classroom, ignoring the curious looks and whispers from the surrounding students.

The pair settled under a tree outside and opened their lunches.

Ranma smiled as he saw the winged horse design in his rice and cucumber.

"If you're looking for a proper housewife, Kasumi is leagues beyond me," Nabiki admitted as she ate her rice. "I plan on going into business."

"Nothing in my life is proper," Ranma replied, "and if I want someone to cook and clean I can always hire someone. That's not to say I don't appreciate the traditional skills, just that they are in no way a requirement."

"So what are you looking for in a wife?" Nabiki asked.

"Compatibility and a high resistance to the insanity in my life," Ranma replied.

"I have yet to see anything I'd consider a negative," Nabiki offered with a smile. "Even your cursed form has its benefits."

"Just wait until the baggage following my old man and me shows up," Ranma said, smiling back at her. Nabiki's smile was infectious.

"Like what?" she asked.

"let's see," Ranma said, "there will be numerous master level martial artists who will show up to challenge our school, situations tend to spiral out of control around me, even when I'm not egging things on for my own amusement and I'm currently being hunted by a Jusenkyo Amazon who has given me the kiss of death."

"Kiss of death?" Nabiki asked, wide eyed.

"I defeated the village champion during their annual tournament so she gave me the kiss of death, it's a promise to hunt me down to the ends of the earth and kill me," Ranma casually replied. "They don't like being defeated by outsider women."

"But… You defeated her in your female form," Nabiki realized.

"I've been entertaining myself by flirting with her when she tries to attack me," Ranma said with a snicker. "It's left her confused and flustered like you wouldn't believe. She's actually started trying to learn Japanese so she can explain to me what's going on. I expect it'll take her a couple of weeks, possibly a month or more to locate the red haired girl and continue her quest."

"And you're not worried?" Nabiki asked, noting how relaxed he was.

"Nah," Ranma waved it off. "While she is skilled, I'm out of her league and it's a point of honor for her to announce herself before she attacks, besides the rules regarding the kiss of death have a lot of wiggle room, so I'll eventually be able to talk her down."

"How do you flirt while someone is trying to kill you?" Nabiki asked.

"Quite well, thanks," Ranma replied, startling a giggle from her.

"You know what I mean," Nabiki chided him with a grin.

"Well…"

 **One long explanation later…**

Nabiki wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "You like to live dangerously."

"What's life without any risk?" Ranma asked rhetorically. "But honestly, there isn't a lot of danger except to nearby property."

"Well please try not to wreck the house, repairs are expensive," Nabiki said shaking her head, "As is, our budget is carefully balanced and I don't want to have to redo everything."

"Don't let our fathers know, but I have a good quantity of uncut gems and Chinese currency I picked up in China that should make things a lot easier on you," Ranma told her.

"Intelligent, handsome, and loaded," Nabiki said with a grin. "Maybe father didn't make such a bad choice after all," she teased.

"And I even come with a trained panda," Ranma said, making her snicker before the bell rang, sending them back to class.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: I would imagine switching between male and female suddenly would primarily be a sudden shift in balance, leading to falling over at first if you hadn't gotten used to the sensation enough to compensate quickly, with the difference between falling forward or backward mainly depending on the direction of the shift in genders. Forward for male to female, backward for female to male. That, and an odd but far less noticeable looseness around the front of your underwear, or finding the front a bit tight suddenly, potentially painfully so. Boxers will likely be a must.**


	54. Nothing Wrong with your TV 4

**Nothing Wrong with your TV 4**

 **Previous chapters ANYASEMF003, ANYASEMF010, ANYASEMF022**

"Isn't Spike at your place?" Alex asked.

"Yes, however my presence should calm him down and show there's nothing to fear," Rarity explained, "then we can put all of this behind us."

Alex pulled at his pants to keep them from falling off his much thinner frame. "I'm still very upset with him."

"And understandably so," Rarity said reasonably, "but he's still just a child and shouldn't be worried he's about to be eaten."

Alex sighed. "A little fear will teach him not to eat other people's stuff, but… you have a point."

"I always do, darling," the white unicorn said with a smirk as they reached her shop.

"Besides the horn," Alex said with a chuckle, getting the joke.

"Miss Rarity, look out!" the small purple dragon yelled as he rushed out of the shop, leaping in between them and spreading his arms to try and cover her.

Alex sighed. "Relax Spike, I'm not going to eat anyone, I was just upset that you had trapped me here, far from home for who knows how many years."

"Seriously?" he asked cautiously.

"Seriously," Alex said. "You destroyed every single tool I needed to get home, so now I have to recreate all of them from scratch and I don't know everything I need to know to do that and neither does anypony here. It's going to take years before I can find my way home… if ever."

"Geez," Spike said, drooping. "Sorry man, I didn't mean to separate you from your family."

"You didn't, because I don't have one," Alex replied. "I'm an orphan. All I had was Kenny my Tamagachi… Which you also ate."

Spike winced. "Sorry, didn't expect anyone to have all their tools made out of candy."

Alex sighed. "They weren't. Your diet is a lot different than mine is, it'd be like claiming everyone is made out of burgers because I could eat them."

"Yeah," Spike agreed, embarrassed. "I gotta go help Twilight," he said, making an excuse so he could leave.

"Have fun," Alex said.

Rarity lead him into the shop. "Thank you for being so kind to him, I know he caused you a lot of trouble."

"He's a child," Alex said, "I can't really hold it against him, though I doubt we're ever going to be friends."

"He can be quite endearing," Rarity said, "but I won't push. Now, come behind the screen and remove your clothing so I can make the necessary adjustments."

Alex stepped behind the screen and was surprised to find Rarity following him, before realizing she had to measure him so she'd know what adjustments to make. Of course the floating measuring tapes were a big clue.

"My, you certainly are in shape," Rarity said with approval.

"I was in shape before, that shape just happened to be round," he deflected, unused to compliments.

"Well, regardless of what you looked like before, you currently are impressively built," she offered with a smile.

Alex blushed and changed the subject. "Why do you have privacy screens when you don't have any nudity taboos?" He tried to hold still as the measuring tapes slithered over him as if they were alive.

"So I can unveil a new look all at once, darling," Rarity replied as she telekinetically wrote down her measurements. "To get the full effect it has to be beheld in full, not simply a piece at a time while they get dressed."

"That makes perfect sense," Alex said thoughtfully.

"Your clothes do not have a pouch for…" Rarity cleared her throat and gestured.

"We allow a little extra space down one leg. I dress right, for instance," Alex explained.

"Oh, that should be no problem. Back in a moment." Rarity left with his clothes.

 **A few minutes later…**

"Thank you, I can't tell you how good it feels to be properly dressed once more," Alex said, amazed at how well everything fit.

"It was no problem at all," she assured him, "Now, what can you tell me about fashion?"

"I never took classes in it, but I had to do some research to develop my signature look," Alex admitted, "so I have picked up quite a bit without meaning to."

"It is quite distinctive," Rarity complimented him.

"If you have any books on fashion I can compare them to my own and point out the differences," he suggested.

"That would be a perfect starting point," Rarity agreed excitedly. "Come to my room, I have my fashion library and desk in there."

"Sure," Alex agreed. "Do you just want to know about the legit successful styles or do you want to hear about the crazy stunts and spectacularly bad disasters?"

"Oh darling, you simply must tell me everything!"

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Peter set down the piece of rebar he'd tied into a knot. "I don't know why getting bit by a spider caused this, but I'm positive it did."

"Oh my," Aunt May said, picking up the rebar and examining it.

"This is incredible," Uncle Ben said, stunned.

"There's more," Peter said, "I can sense danger, walk up walls, and leap dozens of feet."

"Like a giant spider," Ben said with a nod.

"No webs, but that's kinda a relief," Peter said, "considering where the web spinners are located on a spider."

Ben chuckled and Aunt May tittered.

"I wasn't bitten by accident though," Peter said seriously, "a man deliberately dropped the spider on me, saying he'd 'explain it to me later' when I asked why."

"This is bad," Ben said, causing the two to stare at him. "Peter," he paused, "your parents weren't just scientists, they worked for the government. I was given a certain number to use in case anyone came after us, trying to gain access to their work."

"And you think that's what this is?" Peter asked.

"They didn't share what they were working on, but I caught enough hints to know they were trying to recreate the super soldier formula that was used to make Captain America," Ben explained. "Oscorp has a lot of military contracts, someone could have figured out who your parents were and decided either to use you as a demonstration of their formula or it's unfinished and they need your parent's work to stabilize it. Either way, something is rotten in Oscorp and I should call this in so they can help you."

"Unstable?" Peter asked nervously.

"It's a possibility, that's why we need to check and make sure you're alright," Ben said. "I don't think there's any reason to panic just yet."

"Alright," Peter said, calming down. "So, you have someone to call?"

"Yeah, let me find the card they left."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"You look worn out," Twilight noted as Alex returned to the library.

"Rarity squeezed all the knowledge of fashion I had out of me," Alex replied. "I didn't even know I knew everything she got out of me."

"Fashion is her passion," Twilight replied brightly.

"Tell me about it," Alex said with a laugh. "She actually got me interested in it, so much so that I didn't realize how long we'd been at it till my well of knowledge ran dry."

"So you had fun?" Twilight asked.

"Quite a bit," Alex agreed, "but now I'm exhausted and hungry."

"Spike is making lunch," Twilight said. "What kind of dietary requirements do you have?"

"I can eat vegetables, grains, fruit, and meat," Alex listed off. "I can't eat hay, grass, or flowers. I also can't eat rocks, gems, or metals, but I think that's standard for non dragons."

"Avoid the gems in the cake and the hayburgers and you should be fine then," Twilight said. "Spike's a talented chef.

"I hope he made extra," Alex said, "because I haven't had any solid food in days."

"I told him you'd be eating with us," Twilight assured him.

"Cool," Alex said. "Now, let's talk tech."

"Tech?" Twilight asked curiously.

"Technology," Alex replied, just before Spike came in and served them all cake, sliced fruit, and a sandwich filled with flowers. "Thanks, Spike."

"Don't mention it," Spike said, "it's the least I owe you."

"So, tech?" Twilight said quickly wanting to steer things away from a painful subject.

"Yes, technology," Alex said as he cautiously picked at his food. "Do you have transistors?"

"Is it anything like resistors?" she asked hopefully.

"No, but the fact that you know what resistors are means you are much more advanced than I feared," Alex said excitedly. "Do you have… televisions?"

"Distant viewing?" Twilight tried to puzzle out what the word meant.

Alex sighed. "I'll take that as a no then."

"Tell me about them," Twilight demanded eagerly.

"Alright," Alex said, amused at how excited the little purple unicorn was. "Imagine a box with a window in it that allowed you to watch news, weather, sports, and plays from all over the world."

"Dude, that sounds pretty sweet," Spike said.

"It is," Alex agreed. "There is an electron gun in the back of the device that shoots electrons at the screen, lighting up individual pixels. It does this rapidly enough to create a picture on the wire mesh screen just behind the glass."

"Like a video game," Spike said.

"Cathode ray tube?" Twilight asked with a grin.

Alex just stared.

"The 'tech' is new and we use vacuum tubes, but we do have them," Twilight said with a smile.

"Really?" Alex asked, eyes lighting up.

"Really," Twilight assured him. "I don't think anyone has considered using them the way you suggested, probably because the graphics aren't that complex; everything looks blocky."

"We have an arcade with some pretty sweet games, like Pong, Golden Hooves, and Buck Mare. Buck Mare is the best," Spike said, "you play a pony bucking apple trees while Timber Wolves chase you through an orchard."

Alex grinned. "I might not be stuck here after all; I've traveled through video games before. This is great!" His stomach growled loudly.

"How much do you eat?" Spike asked as he saw that Alex had eaten everything in front of him and was still hungry.

"About four times what you served me and probably twice that right now, since I'm in recovery," Alex admitted.

"That's why you eat meat, you need the calories," Twilight said.

"Yeah, since our brains developed, we needed to eat meat to fuel them," Alex said, dimly recalling a biology lecture.

"Twilight has a huge brain, but she doesn't eat that much," Spike said.

"My brain is the same size as any other pony," Twilight said, blushing slightly.

"We have vastly different biologies," Alex replied. "Can you fry up half a dozen eggs? That should tide me over while I go fishing. I can't really hunt since every animal is sentient here."

"Sure," Spike said, leaping to his feet, "I'll have them done in a jiffy!"

"I'm glad you're not going to be trapped here, though I am a bit sad I won't get to learn more about your science and culture," Twilight said.

"Let's not count our chickens before they hatch," Alex said, "I don't know that your video games have a complex enough mythology behind them to support travel yet."

"Mythology?" Twilight asked curiously.

"My form of travel is powered by stories and myths," Alex explained, "imagination and wonder are the key."

"Those are powerful forces," Twilight said wide eyed. "You can tap into them?"

"Just like my father before me," he agreed. "Of course the format is different, he used movies projected on the screen through celluloid."

"I have a projector and dozens of movies," Twilight offered.

"They don't work for me, I've checked," Alex told her.

"Could someone use books?!" Twilight asked excitedly.

"Libriomancy? It exists, but it's kinda weak. Each step up in complexity is more powerful and it's near the bottom rung. It's also something I can't do."

"But it exists!" Twilight squealed. "Tell me everything!"

"Alright, calm down," Alex said cautiously. "Libriomancers will sit down and read a book, getting lost in the story, and when their focus is completely on the book they can reach in and pull things out. Things, not people. Pulling anything with a mind out pretty much drives them insane."

"Can you go into a book?" Twilight asked, practically bouncing in place.

"Yes," Alex replied, "you can go in and visit, but it's not the real thing. If you read a book about a hundred years ago, you wouldn't go back to a hundred years ago you'd simply visit what the writer and all his readers thought the place was like a hundred years ago, though it may contain actual details both are unaware of."

"That would be so wonderful," Twilight said. "How about books written about places that don't exist?"

"Just as the writer described," Alex replied.

"This is so exciting!"

"It has its downsides," Alex warned. "When you pull things out you are simply creating a copy of the item using your own magic, so you can't just pull things out willy-nilly. Also, the older and more well known a book is, the more you can pull out before char sets in."

"Char?" the purple unicorn asked with a shudder, instinctively disliking the word.

"Char is what happens when you pull things out," he explained. "The books will look normal to everyone, but libriomancers will see them as burned. Now, books will recover over time. If you pulled a mundane item out of popular series, the char wouldn't even be noticeable and would probably heal in an hour. Naturally, pulling out powerful magical items is harder and causes a lot more damage."

"I'd hate to damage a book that way, even if I had multiple copies," Twilight said with a shudder.

"It wouldn't matter, char affects every copy of the book from that particular printing and if you pull out something powerful enough it may affect other printings as well."

"That's awful!" she exclaimed, wide eyed.

Alex nodded as Spike slid a plate of eggs in front of him and quickly dug in, devouring it in seconds.

"But… visiting books doesn't cause char?" Twilight asked hopefully.

"None at all," he assured her.

"That's a relief," Twilight said. "So, I could write a story about… the world's largest library and visit it?"

"No," Alex said flatly. "Trying to enter your own creation would drive you insane. Writers cannot enter their own books. Also, books that are popular and well known are the easiest to enter, you are piggybacking on the imagination and excitement of the readers."

"That still sounds pretty wonderful," Twilight decided. "I could visit famous literary characters and get their autographs."

"That's a pretty safe and reasonable use of it," Alex said, "as long as you don't overdo it. Some libromancers vanish and we're all pretty sure they either died in the book or just decided not to come back, if they didn't get lost or go nuts anyway. You are dealing with some pretty powerful forces, so it's not entirely safe."

"Could I pull out a futuristic invention and make a blueprint of it, so I could build my own?" she asked.

"The item would work, but it'd work because of magic, not actual scientific principles," Alex replied.

"I don't suppose you know how to perform libriomancy?" Twilight asked, already knowing the answer from how he spoke of it, but hoping otherwise.

"Not a clue," he admitted, "it's not where my talents lie, but it was close enough I researched it to help figure out my own."

"I'll figure it out," Twilight decided cheerfully, "after all, it has two of my favorite things, magic and books, in it."

"Just keep the dangers in mind," Alex warned her. "If you start hearing the voices of fictional characters in your head it's time to take a break for a few days."

"I simply must write all this down, while it's fresh in my brain," Twilight said, telekinetically retrieving a quill and some parchment.

"The food was great, Spike," Alex told him as he got up.

"Thanks, its nice somepony notices," the little dragon said, rolling his eyes at how oblivious Twilight was when she was writing.

"And I'm off to fish," Alex said. "Um, where exactly is the best place to fish?"

"Check with Fluttershy, she's the only pony who fishes around here," Spike suggested.

"Good idea," Alex said, "I want to thank her again for helping me when I was sick. See you later, Spike."

"Bye and… sorry," he apologized. "For… you know."

"Just don't do it again, alright?" he said with a wave as he left.

"Promise," Spike called out.

Alex stepped out into the cobblestoned streets of Ponyville, smiling at how fresh and clean the air was compared to a modern city as he strolled along. Feeling a tingle of approaching danger from behind, Alex sidestepped a blue blur that shot through the space he'd just been occupying. There was a crash as a rainbow maned Pegasus smacked into the side of a building and he continued on, ignoring the stares and whispers from the local ponies who had no doubt never seen a human before.

The tingle returned, this time from the side, so he stopped and stepped backwards and the Pegasus crashed into a tree. He resumed heading for Fluttershy's place, wondering exactly how many times Rainbow Dash would try to tackle him before either giving up or actually trying to speak to him first.

As he bent down to tie his shoe and she overshot and went through someone's window, he figured the answer would be quite a lot.

Oh well, it wasn't like he was in a rush, it was still early in the day and he had plenty of time to get to where he was going.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	55. Going Solo 4

**Going Solo 4**

 **Previous chapters: ANYASEMF008, ANYASEMF013, ANYASEMF026**

"What kind of deal?" Angel asked suspiciously.

"I'm told vampire blood can fix just about anything," Ford said, recalling what Xander said about vampire blood preserving human brains.

"While true, it has some major downsides," Angel cautioned, realizing why Ford was asking to make a deal.

"Like?"

"It's addictive," Angel said. "Once you've drunk enough to cure you, you wouldn't be able to live without it."

"So, not so different than what I'm currently going through," Ford said bluntly.

"That bad?" Angel asked sympathetically.

"Brain cancer," Ford replied, "you don't want to know how bad it is."

"You'd also be under the control of the vampire who fed you three times or more," Angel added.

"So I'd have to find a vampire who can be trusted," Ford said, looking directly in Angel's eyes.

Angel nodded and considered that.

"How much would I have to drink?" Ford asked.

"A mouthful a week," the cursed vampire said, trying to figure out if there actually was a downside for Ford, considering his condition.

"So, what do you say," Ford asked as Xander returned with three drinks and set them on the table, "do you want to save my life?"

Xander kept quiet. They'd let Ford know what was what, it was up to him to make the decision now and maybe as his sire, Angel could order the vampire who replaced Ford to help them.

"Alright, I'll do it," Angel said as Ford took a long pull on his drink.

Ford slumped in his seat and let out a relieved sigh. "Thanks man, you have no idea how much this means to me."

"Actually, I think I do," Angel said, pulling Ford's drink over to his side of the table and pulling out a pocket knife.

As Angel bled into the glass, having to twist the knife to keep the blood flowing, Xander realized what they'd agreed to.

Angel pushed the now crimson drink back towards Ford and Xander held up his glass. "A toast," he said, waiting for the other two to pick up their glasses, "to beating the odds."

The three tapped their glasses together and drank, completely draining their glasses in one go.

"A bit salty but not bad," Ford offered, before falling silent, a slowly growing smile on his face. "The pain is fading."

Xander gave Angel a respectful nod, which seemed to surprise the vampire. "Just wait until the superhuman strength kicks in, it's a pretty handy power."

"Superhuman strength?" Ford asked.

"The servant of a master vampire, which Angel is, gains a portion of his physical capabilities," Xander explained, "that's why people become blood servants."

"When you said hanging around you guys would end up with me developing superpowers, you weren't kidding," Ford said in disbelief.

"Yeah, but I was planning on teaching you telekinesis," Xander answered honestly.

"I wasn't sure you were serious about that," Ford admitted.

Xander grinned. "It's a handy skill to have." He finished his drink. "I'll get us some cokes." At Angel's raised eyebrow he explained, "A single alcoholic drink is fine, but more than that on the Hellmouth is a bad idea."

Angel nodded, conceding the point. Once Xander had left, he turned to Ford. "No dating Buffy. We just broke up and as your Master, I share your senses."

Ford looked a little disturbed by that, but stopped and thought about it. "I can see how awkward that would make things."

"I'm glad you understand," Angel said.

"This senses sharing thing… is it always on?" Ford asked, trying to sound casual.

"I sleep from two hours after sunrise to two before sunset," Angel said, knowing what the teen in front of him would be concerned about, "and I can ignore most things, it's just Buffy…"

"No, I get it," Ford assured him. "I can work with this."

"Good," Angel said, relieved.

"Man, it feels so good not to be in pain," Ford said with a smile. "It's even easier to think now."

Xander returned with their cokes. "You know, you're going to have to get a place in town and it'll probably be easier if you both live together."

"I value my privacy," Angel said. "It's been decades since I lived with someone."

"I return home in good health and tell my folks I have to stay in Sunnydale to continue treatment and they'll buy me a mansion here," Ford said bluntly. "With a big enough place it'll be like you're living on your own."

"Threshold protections would be nice," Angel admitted as he considered the idea.

"Some place with a phone we can call you at rather than waiting for you to show up," Xander suggested.

"I have a phone," Angel said.

Xander just stared at him for a moment before sighing. "None of us have asked for your phone number, have we?"

Angel simply nodded while Ford grinned, amused.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Give me all your money and I'll let you go," Willow said.

"Willow!" Buffy exclaimed.

The floating vampire scrabbled through his pockets, tossing everything at the red-haired witch.

"What? He's a master vampire, he's obviously got cash to spare," Willow said as she collected the wallet, loose bills, and gold ring.

"Yes, but we're supposed to stake them, not mug them," Buffy complained.

Willow dropped the vampire as she counted the cash. "No, you're the Slayer, you're supposed to stake them, I'm just an innocent witch with empty pockets."

The vampire climbed to his feet nervously.

"Besides, I said I'd let him go, not that you would," Willow pointed out.

"Oh," Buffy said brightly as the vampire's eyes widened.

There was a brief scuffle as Buffy swept the vampire's feet from under him and dropped down to stake him.

"Over two hundred dollars," Willow said cheerfully, "though the ring looks fake."

"You are going to split that, right?" Buffy asked.

"Of course," Willow agreed, passing her half the bills.

Buffy grinned and ran her thumb across the edge of the bills, enjoying the sound it made before handing it back to Willow. "For the boat fund," she said.

"For the boat fund," Willow agreed, adding her own money to it and slipping it in her pocket.

"Hey, Willow?" Buffy asked, a trace of nervousness in her voice.

"Yes, Buffy?"

"Have you noticed any changes since Halloween?"

"We've all changed since Halloween," Willow replied. "I mean, it's pretty obvious."

"I'm thinking of a specific change," Buffy said, looking around the graveyard, though the entire place was empty.

"And that is?"

"I've been… noticing the girls in the locker room," Buffy admitted.

"Kinda hard not to… Oh," Willow said as she realized what Buffy meant.

"Yeah, 'oh," Buffy said with a heavy sigh.

Willow took a deep breath. "I'm… noticing them, but then I kinda always have."

"Oh," Buffy said, surprised.

"Yeah, 'oh," Willow fired back with a grin.

Buffy giggled. "Well, it's kinda new for me."

"Just because you notice them doesn't mean you have to do anything," Willow offered. "I mean, it's not like I've stopped noticing Xander."

"You've got a point there," Buffy said, relieved.

"He's been dressing better," Willow said with a smile, "more darker hues and tighter jeans."

"He has been scarring my retinas less lately," Buffy noted. "Now, picture him in Leia's chain mail bikini."

Willow burst out laughing. "With his hair in buns!"

Buffy laughed so hard she had to take a second to catch her breath.

"I think I'd rather see him in a loin cloth," Willow said.

"Chained up, like in Miss French's basement?" Buffy teased.

"Oh yeah," Willow said, licking her lips.

Buffy considered it. "Suddenly, I feel like having ice cream. Let's go get some ice cream."

"Good idea," Willow said, "I'm normally not one to sublimate into anything but studying, but ice cream sounds like a good idea about now, otherwise I may jump him the moment I see him."

"Are you going to make a move on him soon?" Buffy asked hopefully, as they left the cemetery.

"I've ordered a slave Leia outfit," Willow replied, "the creds for that bounty are in the system as soon as it arrives and I invite him over."

"How- Shit!" the vampire cursed as he stepped out from a dark alley and spotted the Slayer.

Willow lifted him in the air with a gesture. "Your money or your life," she demanded.

"I'm broke!"

 ***Poof!***

Buffy put her stake away. "Still feels like we're mugging people, especially when you say things like that."

"That's why I do it," Willow said with a grin, "it makes it more fun!"

Buffy snickered. "Okay, put like that, I can see why you do it."

"If you're not having fun you're living life wrong," Willow said.

"I think Han had more of an effect on you than he did on me," Buffy decided.

Willow shrugged. "I'm still figuring some things out, but you have to admit, we were all wound a bit too tight."

"Can't disagree with you there," Buffy said, "but I won't fully relax until we've got a ship beneath our feet."

Willow smiled. "Into the black, or the blue in this case."

"Spirit's the same," Buffy said as they entered the coffee shop.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Han got around," Xander said, "but he was never the lady's man he pretended to be. One night stands are not seduction."

"It feels so weird to be talking about this like its real," Ford said. "Kinda blows your mind."

"More than vampires?" Angel asked dryly.

"Way more," Ford said. "We are talking about countless planets filled with life here, not just a couple of myths and legends turning out to be true."

"You have a point there," Angel admitted. "Imagine a universe filled with life, where here we have only one planet, as far as we know."

"As far as we know," Xander agreed.

"I remember getting excited about Mars having canals and what might have been living there," Angel said. "It was a big disappointment to find out it was barren."

"Now it's barren," Xander said, "but NASA says it once had an atmosphere and life. Pretty sure it's where Venus flytraps came from."

The two turned to stare at him.

"Venus flytraps, guess where you find them," Xander said.

"The Amazon," the two chorused.

"North Carolina," Xander told them.

"Are you sure?" Angel asked.

"Positive," Xander said. "Venus flytraps are unrelated to any other plant on Earth, as far as they can tell and if you follow the pattern they've spread from to the center, you'll find a meteor crater. I figure a comet whacked into Mars at some point, knocking a chunk of the crust into space and eventually some of it crashed here."

"And plant seeds are something that could lie dormant, until it crashed into Earth," Ford said, following his train of thought.

"Wouldn't it make more sense for something to strike the Earth and it just took a few million years to get caught in Earth's gravity and come back down?" Angel asked. "I mean, even if Mars had atmosphere it would have been radically different from Earth's."

"A prehistoric plant makes more sense," Ford agreed.

"Maybe," Xander conceded, "but I prefer to believe that some life existed on Mars and continued here."

"It's possible," Angel agreed, "just less likely."

"With all the crazy things I've seen, I'll bet on long odds," Xander said.

"That's not surprising," Angel said thoughtfully, "beating the odds seems to be your thing, or possibly is the thing of your group."

"What am I missing?" Ford asked.

Angel turned to Ford. "Most Slayer's last six months before they're killed, human hunters even less, but the Scooby Gang, Xander's term not mine, has been actively hunting, on a Hellmouth no less, for longer than six months without losing a single person."

"Do I have to hunt?" Ford asked nervously.

"No," Xander said, "you seem more like a money guy. Throw money at us and we'll kill things for you."

Ford smiled. "I am perfectly okay with that. I mean, I want to help, but I also don't want to die."

"Perfectly understandable," Xander agreed. "But hey, for every battle we get into, we spend twenty times as much reading dusty books to figure out what to kill. You can help with that."

"I can read dusty books," Ford agreed.

"I think it's the fact that you guys spend so much time on research that allows you to survive," Angel said thoughtfully. "Most hunters go in blind or with little backup."

"You can only make blind jumps so many times before you become one with a star," Xander said, "and that number is usually one."

"Research sounds boring but safe," Ford said.

"That sounds about right," Xander agreed, "Though we try and have fun too. You never know what interesting fact is going to save your life later, so we share them as we read and eat donuts. Actually, it's kinda fun when we aren't racing the clock on how to stop something."

"Some of the ideas you come up with," Angel said, shaking his head.

"Like what?" Xander asked.

"Altering a nail gun to shoot wooden nails," he pointed out.

"Yeah, it's a bit bulky and has to be used at close range for any sort of accuracy, but that one vamp running off with a dozen wooden nails in him was funny," Xander said.

"Sometimes the old ways are the best," Angel said.

"Only because we haven't come up with something new that works better and the only way to do that is to test things out," Xander countered.

"Like the stake made out of petrified wood?" Angel asked.

"I have no idea why it didn't work," Xander said, "but we can all agree it has much better penetration than a wooden one."

Angel swiveled his head to the side. "I'll be right back."

Xander turned to see where he was looking and spotted a pair of guys escorting a couple of girls out the back of the club. "Two on two is a lot easier to handle," he suggested as he got up. "I'll distract one while you deal with the other."

Angel considered it for a moment before nodding. "Alright."

"Hang tight, we'll be right back," Xander said.

"Yeah, no," Ford disagreed getting up, "I've seen this part of the horror movie before and I'm not going to be the guy left on his own to be picked off. I'll stick behind, but close enough to yell if anyone attacks from the rear."

"Suits," Xander agreed and hurried after Angel.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: Never knew that about flytraps. Had to google to learn more at that point. Pretty interesting stuff, though it seems scientists are claiming they're relatives of sticky trap plants now.**


	56. Sons and Daughters of Sineya 4

**Sons and Daughters of Sineya 4**

 **Parts 1-3 :** **And Now Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 48-51**

The three Sunnydale teens laid together with Xander in the middle (he'd won the latest wrestling match) and enjoyed the warmth and closeness.

After a few moments Buffy glanced over at Xander.

"What?" he asked, finding her unbearably cute, looking up at him with a small smile and tousled hair.

"I gotta do something," Buffy said shyly, before her hands shifted beneath the covers.

"Wha-um?" Xander's eyes widened in surprise.

"Wow Xander, you're thick," Buffy said impressed.

"Buffy!" Willow hissed in shock. "He's not thick, he just doesn't study enough!"

Buffy rolled her eyes and shifted a little, grabbing Willow's hand and dragging it beneath the covers.

Willow's eyes practically bugged out of her face. "Wow! You are thick!"

Buffy burst out laughing.

"Far be it for me to complain but..." Xander's voice trailed off.

"But?" Buffy asked curiously.

"I have no idea where I was going with that," Xander admitted. "I'm feeling a bit confused."

"Because?" Buffy asked distractedly.

"Because my two best friends have their hands someplace unexpected that is really making it hard to think, but it's not like I can complain, because I really, really don't mind even if it seems a little sudden," Xander babbled.

Buffy nodded. "Perfectly understandable, I'm feeling a bit confused myself. I mean, it was an impulse and it became an action because I was feeling really curious and I knew you wouldn't mind, then I had to drag Willow's hand over because I didn't want her thinking I'd insulted you and I still really like the idea of you two together," Buffy rattled off as she puzzled out her own motivations.

Xander nodded. "I get that," he agreed and fell silent.

After a few seconds Buffy said, "I should probably let go now." A few seconds more passed and she shifted under the blankets. "Better?" she asked Xander.

"Somewhat," Xander agreed, "and somewhat not. I think my brain isn't getting enough blood to figure things out yet."

Buffy looked over at Willow. "You're still holding him aren't you?"

Willow nodded. "Yes, yes I am," she agreed with a small satisfied smile.

"Shouldn't you let go so he can think?" Buffy asked, trying not to laugh.

"You'll have to pry him from my cold dead hands," Willow swore, making Buffy burst out laughing.

Buffy leaned over Xander and dug her fingers into Willow's sides, making her squeal and lose her grip on Xander before climbing half on top of him to launch a counter offensive while Xander laughed and tickled them both equally, it took several minutes before they all settled back down in their former positions once more.

"Xander is thick when it comes to girls," Willow said.

The two turned to stare at the smug redhead, dimly visible in the light from the fireplace and what was leaking through the portholes in the front of the cottage.

Xander turned to Buffy. "Okay, you gotta admit that was a good one."

Buffy nodded. "Pun and sex joke, perfectly timed and executed," she agreed, "ten out of ten. If I wasn't so comfortable I'd hit her with a pillow for it."

Willow just grinned happily, snuggled against Xander.

"What are we going to do today?" Buffy asked.

"A whole lot of nothing," Xander suggested.

"Besides that," Buffy said, rolling her eyes but making no move to get up.

"I was going to help you organize your storage room," Willow reminded him.

"Forgot about that," Xander said. "No rush, but it is something interesting to do."

"Organizing your storage room is interesting?" Buffy asked doubtfully.

"I've been sticking all the stuff Giles wanted me to dispose of in there," Xander replied.

"Dispose of?" Buffy asked, confused.

"Cleaning up everything after we beat the baddies," Xander replied. "You know, policing the site so no one stumbles over anything strange and asks inconvenient questions?"

"You do that?" Buffy asked, surprised.

"You didn't know?" Xander replied, confused.

"Um… no," Buffy admitted. "I'm usually either wiped or jazzed after everything's said and done, so not in the right… frame of mind to do cleanup?" she offered lamely.

Xander laughed. "It's no problem Buff, clean up is easy, entertaining, and sometimes profitable."

"Profitable?" Willow asked.

"Half the time I have to make it look like a robbery," Xander reminded them, "so I have to empty wallets and purses. How do you think I afforded all those donuts?"

"I had wondered about that," Willow said, "but I figured you had a deal with the shop."

"So, you stuffed everything back there like… Ted?" Buffy asked nervously, eyes darting to the covered doorway.

"No," Xander said, shaking his head, "Ted and Moloch both got stuffed in the trunks of cars that were going into the car crusher at my uncle's wrecking yard. I wasn't taking any chances on either one of them coming back."

"Good Xander," Buffy said, giving him a squeeze.

"Very good Xander," Willow added as she hugged him as well. "So what all is in the storeroom?"

"Clothes and personal effects from Mrs. Madison, Mrs. French, that zookeeper, Marcie, and Ampata," Xander listed off, "along with a lot of dried food, and odds and ends."

"That's where Ampata's stuff went," Buffy said. "I asked Giles about it and he just said it was taken care of."

"Well, we couldn't leave it at your place or your mom would have wondered why Ampata had left all her stuff behind when she'd been called home for a family emergency," Xander explained. "Your mom would have wanted to send it to her."

"So you made it look like they were all robbed?" Buffy asked.

"No, in some cases I made it look like they'd packed their bags and fled," Xander said.

"Which is never looked into too closely in Sunnydale," Willow realized.

"Exactly," he agreed. "So, the storage room is a mess of stuff."

"Couldn't you just dump it all somewhere?" Buffy asked.

"I didn't want to get caught dumping it, in case the police asked questions, and Giles could have needed to look at something later, like Mrs. Madison's spellbooks. Plus, I have plenty of room, so I just stuffed it all back there," he said.

"I can't believe we didn't notice you doing all that," Willow said.

Xander shrugged. "You guys leave after all the excitement is over and it's not that hard to move boxes of stuff to Rory's truck."

"You had Rory help?" Willow asked.

"Nah, I just borrowed his truck," Xander replied.

"You have a license?" Buffy asked, surprised.

"Nope," Xander replied, "I just know the police patrol routes and where they avoid."

Both girls stared at him for a second before staring back up at the ceiling.

"What?" Xander asked.

"Your 'little' job is getting larger and more complex by the minute," Buffy said. "I can't believe you've memorized the police patrol routes so you can clean up after me."

"Clean up after us," he corrected her, "and that's not why," Xander said. "Tony's too drunk to drive... often, so I have to drive him to the liquor store a lot. It's been this way for years, don't worry about it."

Both girls climbed on top of him, hugging him tightly.

"Huh?" Xander asked as his arms automatically moved to hold them.

"You shouldn't have to live like that," Buffy told him.

"Okay," Xander said, wondering what they were so upset about.

"They really are bad parents," Willow said firmly.

"Oh, woe is me," Xander said melodramatically as he slid his hands down.

"Are you taking advantage of our sympathy for your horrible homelife to squeeze my butt?" Buffy asked in disbelief.

"And Willow's," Xander said, sounding offended.

"Oh, sorry- Wait a second!" Buffy exclaimed. "I don't owe you an apology for not knowing you were groping both of us!"

"Do you really think I would neglect Willow?" Xander said sadly.

"Well, no but- Hold up, you're doing it again!" Buffy realized and tried not to laugh at his outrageous behavior. She turned to Willow, but the red haired girl had a huge smile on her face and it didn't look like she'd be complaining anytime soon. "Fine," Buffy said with a melodramatic sigh, "you have five minutes." She laid her head on Xander's chest and tried not to giggle.

"Soft and squeezable," Xander noted happily.

After about ten minutes Buffy asked, "How long has it been?"

"There's no time in Narnia," Xander reminded her.

"Yes, but there are still bladders," Buffy said reluctantly, "and I have to pee."

Xander released her. "Remember the seat is cold."

Buffy slid off him and out of bed. "And the floor," she agreed before quickly running to the bathroom.

"You are very good at distracting me Mr," Willow said scooting on top of him and lifting herself with her arms so she could look him in the eyes, "but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget your problems."

"Wills, we both have bad parents," Xander said, "but… it is what it is and any time I don't feel like dealing with them I can come here, though mostly I go to your house."

"I know, but I didn't know it was that bad at your house," Willow said, ignoring Buffy's squeal from the bathroom.

"This is my house," Xander said, "I just stay with my parents sometimes."

"You aren't going to distract me that easily," Willow said. "How bad is it?"

"Distract you?" Xander asked. "What made you think I was trying to distract you?" He thrust upwards with his hips.

Willow's eyes closed and she bit her bottom lip to hold back a moan. "X-Xander," she gasped out, "I care for you too much t-to let you change the subject." She took a deep breath and regained control of herself, opening her eyes and staring into his own. "I love you enough to question you while I'm losing my virginity and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but if that's what it takes." She wiggled on top of him.

Xander slid his hands down and held her in place. "You win," he said, "I'll talk about it."

"Good," Willow said as Buffy returned and slid under the covers, rubbing her feet back and forth to try and warm them up.

"My parents are lousy parents," Xander admitted, "my dad once tried to sell me to some Armenians and my mom has complained about drinking away the abortion money. They both also used to be a lot more violent. Remember when I broke my arm when I was ten?"

Willow began to tear up.

"That was a turning point for the pair, instead of being physically abusive they restrained themselves to just being loud and insulting," Xander said. "I consider it a huge improvement even if they won't touch me anymore."

Buffy wrapped her arms around the pair, her hug almost painfully tight.

Xander sighed heavily. "Yeah, my home life sucks," he said bluntly, "but the rest of my life is fucking awesome!" He smiled broadly as the girls stared at him in surprise. "I live in Narnia and I fight demons with two of the most wonderful women on the planet! As far as I'm concerned I don't have a single thing to complain about and if either of you try to tell me I should feel sad about my life I'll call you liars, beautiful liars, but liars all the same, because my life rocks!'

"Fighting demons kind of sucks," Buffy offered, but couldn't stop herself from smiling.

Xander laughed. "I've been told my entire life that I was a loser, I'd never amount to anything and that nothing I did matters, but every demon we kill makes a difference, every person we save… There is no greater difference you can make in a person's life than that. I say once again, my life rocks!"

"You really think that?" Buffy asked, a trace of wonder in her voice as she considered her calling in a new light.

Willow turned to look at Buffy, smiling broadly through the tears. "I didn't think he could have kept hard through saying all of that if he didn't mean it."

Buffy removed her arm from atop them and slid her hand under the covers, getting a slight moan from the two. "Sorry, impulse control," Buffy apologized, withdrawing her hand.

"No need to apologize, Buff," Xander said.

Willow slid off of Xander so she was no longer straddling him. "I don't think either of us minded," she agreed snuggling into his side.

"You should have been the chosen one," Buffy told Xander.

"Nah, I'd have abused it for petty amusement," Xander said. "I'd still save the day, but I'd be giving out wedgies to Snyder and the football team in between."

"I've abused my powers to do something similar," Buffy said, recalling slamming a football player against the lockers in her old school when he'd grabbed her ass. "But… maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. I've been worrying about what I've been missing in life and not enjoying what I have." Buffy climbed over Xander and squeezed in between the two, using her slayer strength to pull them both on top of her. "My life rocks and I didn't even notice it."

 ***Bang*Bang*Bang***

The three jumped, the moment broken and Xander groaned and slid out of bed. "I'll get it."

"You'll get it?" Willow asked, confused.

"How is somebody knocking on your door here?!" Buffy demanded.

"Who is it?" Willow asked.

Xander grabbed a pea-coat and put it on, grabbing a can and a small bag off one of the shelves and slipping them in his pockets, before removing the four by four, unlocking the three deadbolts, and cautiously opening the door. "Fenris," Xander greeted a large humanoid wolf, "how's you brother?"

"Still limping after getting his leg caught in that trap you set out," Fenris replied with a growl.

"I told him I was in no mood for his games or the witch's threats," Xander reminded him. "Maugrim had fair warning. Now, why are you here, as if I didn't know."

Fenris gave out a resigned sigh. "Same orders as always," the wolf growled out, "spy on you and try to capture you if I get the chance."

"I'm not foolish enough to give you the chance and you're going to see fuck-all while I'm in here," Xander said bluntly. "Though by knocking you at least get a chance to talk to me and learn something new, which shows you're smarter than your brother."

"My queen would like me to remind you that her door is always open," Fenris said formally.

Xander nodded. "I will keep that in mind, but I have passed the age of the one who will take her up on her offer."

Fenris blinked and slowly nodded.

Xander reached into one of his pockets and the wolf tensed, but his hand came out with a small bag that he tossed at the wolf's feet. "A snack. Have a nice day." Xander closed and locked the door before moving to the fireplace and adding another log.

"What was that?" Buffy asked, getting up to join Xander and shivering in the cold that had been let in by the open door.

"That was one of the queen's wolves," Xander replied.

"They visit you?" Willow asked, concerned.

Xander nodded and took the can out of his pocket, returning it to its spot on a shelf by the door, before dropping the coat on a chair and returning the four by four to its bracket. "It's pretty obvious where I am, but they know not to attack me, not that I take any chances on that end."

Buffy's eyes glanced at the shelf next to the door. "Is dog mace really that effective?"

"It really is," Xander assured her.

"You're still hard," Willow noted.

"You're still naked," he replied with a shrug.

Buffy laughed. "Okay, let's get dressed and take a look at the storage room."

The three got dressed and Xander picked up the lantern and pushed aside the gray wool blanket that he used to keep the heat from leaking out of the room. The girls followed him into an enormous room, several times the size of Xander's front room.

The walls were rough stone that he'd done his best to smooth out, unlike the roof of the cave which was untouched and at least a dozen feet overhead. There were stacks of boxes lining the walls along with a random assortment of luggage scattered around them.

Buffy and Willow turned to stare at Xander.

"What?" he asked.

"Did you leave anything in their houses?" Buffy asked in exasperation.

"Furniture and kitchen appliances," Xander replied.

"I can't believe you managed to sneak all this past your parents," Willow said as she poked around.

"When they pass out not much wakes them," Xander replied unconcerned.

"I say we go back to bed and try and sort all this some other day when we have more lamps," Buffy decided.

"Seconded," Willow agreed, following Buffy back into the main room.

Xander grinned and followed them.

"So what was in the bag you tossed to him?" Buffy asked.

"Milk Bones," Xander replied as they stripped back down.

"Only you," Willow said as she claimed the coveted middle spot on the bed and the other two quickly joined her.

"Xander?" Buffy asked sweetly.

"Yes?" he replied cautiously.

"Pizza," she replied.

Xander looked over at the table and realized someone had returned everything to the table. "Pizza, soda… a jedi needs not these things," he assured her.

"I always assumed if I was naked with a guy I'd be the one calling the shots," Buffy grumbled good naturedly as she got back up.

"Don't forget the soda," Willow added.

 **Typing by: fyrewolf5**


End file.
